Take Me From This Pain, Brian's story

Brian watched with envy as Matt slept in the next bed peacefully. The shadows played across his face and no one would ever guess that this sleeping angel used to be Brian\'s biggest problem in school. But that had suddenly changed earlier today and Brian was still trying to figure out why. Matt just kept answering his question the same way.

\"You have to live.\"

What the hell does that mean? Why did Brian have to live? What did he have to live for? Kevin was safe now and away from Gary. That had been the only thing that got Brian out of bed in the mornings. Now that he was out, well Brian had hoped to end his pain forever. Why would the boy who made his school life so miserable take that chance away from him? The emptiness hadn\'t gone away. Brian still felt numb inside. How did that song go? \"I\'ve become so numb. I can\'t feel you there.\" It was the story of Brian\'s life.

Matt turned over in his sleep and was facing away from Brian now. Maybe, if he was really quiet, Brian could make a cut or two and relieve the torment. But he somehow knew that if Matt caught him he would be in trouble. Brian still wasn\'t sure of the parameters of this new relationship. He silently slipped out of bed and pulled the blade out of his duffle bag. Matt had been busy sifting through Brian\'s closet when the other boy palmed the blade from where the jock had tossed it and hid it in the bottom of the bag. He couldn\'t very well leave his most cherished possession.

Now the blade glinted in a sliver of moonlight shining through the curtain. Brian quickly glanced at the other bed to make sure Matt was still asleep and facing away. He was. Brian pulled down the sweats he was wearing to reveal his thighs.

The sweats were Matt\'s. Most of Brian\'s were tattered rags, as Gary rarely let them buy clothes for themselves and most of Brian\'s clothes were very old. The only times Brian and Kevin were permitted to spend money on clothes were when they absolutely couldn\'t fit into the ones they had. When Matt saw them, he tossed them on the floor and declared that Brian would be shopping for new clothes this weekend.

\"But I don\'t have that much money,\" Brian had protested.

\"I do,\" Matt replied.

\"You can\'t be serious!\"

\"I\'m always serious,\" Matt had grinned as he hefted Brian\'s two bags and headed for the door. Brian scooped up all of his books and threw them in his backpack before running to catch up with him.

\"Matt, you can\'t buy me new clothes,\" Brian said when they had loaded his things into the car and started off to Matt\'s house.

\"Why not?\"

\"Because it\'s weird!\"

\"Why?\"

\"I don\'t even know why you\'re making me come with you,\" Brian gasped in exasperation. \"I\'m not even your friend!\"

\"Yes, you are.\"

\"When and how did that happen?\"

\"About an hour ago,\" Matt turned quizzical blue eyes on him as the care slowed tro a stop at the light. \"You were there, you know.\"

\"Stop kidding around!\"

\"Why? I have a feeling you haven\'t had enough of that lately.\"

\"Matt, you can\'t buy me things and keep me in your house!\"

\"I don\'t see why not.\"

\"Because I\'m not a girl!\"

Matt\'s lips quirked up into a smirk and he leered suggestively at Brian, waggling his eyebrows.

\"Will you cut that out?\" Brian couldn\'t help the smile that punctuated that statement.

\"Made you smile.\"

When they got to Matt\'s, he pulled his mother aside and spoke to her for a few minutes. Brian tried not to look like the orphan he felt like, but it was hard. When Virginia Henshaw came back into the kitchen smiling, Brian instantly took a liking to her. She welcomed him into her home and told him he could stay as long as he needed. And Matt chimed in that he would be staying in his room. Brian\'s eyebrow quirked up at that. When Virginia went to take a phone call, Brian rounded on Matt.

\"Why are you keeping me in your room?\"

\"You know why,\" Matt replied. \"I just kept you from committing suicide. I won\'t feel comfortable unless you\'re in my sights at all times.\"

\"A little weird considering how we started out this morning, isn\'t it?\" Brian asked incredulously. \"I don\'t think I\'ll feel comfortable with you watching my every move.\"

\"You\'ll get used to me,\" Matt smiled and picked Brian\'s bag up to take to his room.

What else could Brian do but follow him? He was beginning to think he preferred Matt as his bully rather than his captor.

Now Brian held the knife in his hand and readied himself for the first cut. He closed his eyes and made a small incision on his upper thigh. The stinging felt good and he sighed quietly. He held a tissue to the cut so it didn\'t drip onto Matt\'s grey rug. He was about to make the second cut when the light suddenly switched on and Matt glared at him from his bed.

\"I-I,\" Brian stammered. But the words wouldn\'t come to him. He stared back at Matt fearfully not knowing what punishment the other boy may decide to dole out for this.

\"Don\'t worry about the rug,\" Matt finally said, getting up and grabbing a small towel he kept on his desk for impromptu workouts. He knelt down in front of Brian and held the towel to the wound, pulling the useless tissue away. \"The rug\'s old anyway.\"

Brian kept his eyes on Matt\'s face looking for signs of the bully returning. Matt raised his eyes back to Brian\'s face and stared at him thoughtfully.

\"Why do you cut?\" the jock asked.

Brian began to tremble with fear.

\"You don\'t have to fear me anymore,\" Matt said careful to keep his voice soft and unthreatening. \"I never realized what an asshole I was turning into until today, but I promise I won\'t do that to you again. We\'re really friends now, Brian. I just want to understand you.\"

\"I-I,\" Brian said again. Why wouldn\'t the words come?

\"Shh,\" Matt soothed. \"It\'s okay. I\'m not going to judge you. From I can tell so far, you\'ve been through a hell of a lot more than anyone our age should go through.\"

Brian\'s breathing became labored as he fought back tears. Matt saw this and instantly wracked his mind for something to deflect it. Brian needed pleasant thoughts now.

\"You remember gym class in sixth grade?\" Matt suddenly asked.

Brian furrowed his brow as he tried to call up the memories. He remembered he was happy. It was just before his mother told them about her illness.

\"You tried so hard to block me in basketball,\" Matt went on in a soothingly calm tone. \"You almost had me, too.\" He smiled then to show Brian that he remembered it well.

Brian looked at him wonderingly, his breathing slowing back to a normal level. \"Yeah, I think I do remember that.\"

Matt nodded. \"We were like what? Twelve?\"

\"Yeah.\"

\"I was taller than you then, too.\"

\"Everyone was taller than me then,\" Brian grimaced. \"I\'m still waiting for that growth spurt my mom promised me.\"

\"You know what I remember most?\" Matt asked. Brian shook his head and waited. \"I remember your smile. You used to smile back then, Bri.\"

\"Bri?\"

\"Yeah, Bri. Your brother the only one who\'s allowed to call you that?\"

\"No,\" Brian whispered. \"But he\'s the only one who does. I don\'t have any other friends.\"

\"Didn\'t,\" Matt corrected. \"You do now. Tell me why you rarely smile and never laugh, Bri.\"

Brian looked timidly back at Matt who kept applying pressure to the wound. Could he trust him? Brian wondered. The boy had been so cruel to him, that morning even. But did it matter anyway? Matt had saved him from ending his life earlier. And even if this was some joke, well Brian could always resume those plans later on he supposed.

\"When my mother died, Kevin and I lost the only person in the world who cared about us,\" he began, looking down at the rug. \"Gary had already made it clear that we wouldn\'t continue to have the life we were used to once she was gone.\"

\"Whatever happened to your dad?\"

\"He disappeared one night on duty,\" Brian looked back up for a moment but then resumed staring at the rug. \"He was an undercover cop. I think I was about five when it happened. They think the drug ring he was investigating found out about him and killed him. All they found was his bloody badge and wallet in a warehouse. Six months after he vanished, they declared him legally dead.\"

\"Oh man,\" Matt whispered. \"I\'m sorry.\" He couldn\'t believe the rotten luck this poor boy had endured. Brian just shrugged in response. \"So, this Gary guy. How did he get in the picture?\"

\"Mom met him in her class one night,\" Brian sighed. \"She taught night school sometimes to get some extra money. She worked as a librarian during the day and dad\'s pension filled in the rest.\"

The bleeding had finally stopped and Matt pulled out a box of large bandages from the desk next to Brian\'s bed. He also pulled out a bottle of antiseptic. After he dressed Brian\'s wound, he helped the boy up and pulled up his sweats. Brian felt like a child.

\"Look, I know this is all very hard for you to accept,\" Matt said as he picked up the blade and wiped it off. He then threw it into the top desk drawer and locked it. \"You didn\'t plan on living, much less moving in with me. I know you\'re hurting a lot and I only want to help you.\"

Brian stood mutely trying to figure out what to say. He couldn\'t think of anything, so he just nodded.

\"I know you\'re having trouble sleeping,\" Matt went on. \"Maybe if you stayed in my bed with me for a while, you can get some rest.\"

Remembering Matt\'s confession earlier that day, Brian quirked a skeptical eyebrow.

\"I promise to keep it all platonic,\" Matt laughed.

Brian looked at his own cold bed then at Matt\'s and then into Matt\'s eyes. He gave a small nod and allowed Matt to lead him to his twin bed.

\"It may be a little tight,\" Matt grinned. \"But don\'t worry. I won\'t let you fall off the sides.\"

Brian gave Matt a small smile and got into his bed. He closed his eyes for he thought would be a minute and opened them the next morning with Matt\'s arms wrapped protectively around him. The alarm was sounding and Matt reached over him to turn it off.

\"You can grab the first shower,\" Matt said, his unshaven cheek accidentally rubbing Brian\'s. The smaller boy sighed for a second then jumped out of bed and grabbed a pair of underwear on his way to the bathroom.

Matt chuckled as he watched Brian\'s retreating form. It had been an interesting night. He still remembered how his heart kicked when he turned on the light and saw Brian cutting himself. He knew that it wasn\'t another suicide attempt, but it still scared the crap out of him. He didn\'t know what else to do but bandage him up and pull him into bed with him. At least that way he\'d know if the boy tried to get up and cut himself again, though he\'d have to find another blade. It was a long night, though, and Brian\'s small body fit so perfectly beside his own. He sighed as he thought about it.

After Brian\'s shower, he came back into the room in his clean underwear and the sweats. Matt kind of liked seeing the smaller boy in his clothes. These new feelings for the kid were coming on so suddenly though. It scared him a little. When Brian exchanged Matt\'s sweats for his own pants, the other boy frowned, and it deepened when Brian picked up a weathered tee he\'d brought from his house.

\"Here,\" Matt said reaching into his dresser for one of his own tees. \"Wear this one instead.\"

\"Why?\" Brian asked taking the shirt curiously.

\"That one looked like it\'s seen the last of its good days,\" Matt said. \"And, if you won\'t let me take you shopping, you\'re going to start wearing my clothes.\"

\"But.\"

\"No argument,\" Matt said firmly. \"Put it on. I\'ll bet you like it better than the one you were going to wear.\"

Brian put it on reluctantly and looked in the mirror. It did look nice, he decided. The tee was roughly the same color of his eyes and it looked new and clean. He admired it for another minute before turning to Matt.

\"Thank you,\" Brian said softly.

\"No problem,\" Matt smiled grabbing his own shower gear. \"I\'ll be back in a minute.\"

When they went downstairs, Matt and Virginia reintroduced Brian to an old tradition known as breakfast. Brian had been used to not eating more than a school lunch and whatever he could scrounge from the kitchen when Gary wasn\'t home. Weekends were rough, as Gary wasn\'t often home and he wasn\'t concerned with food shopping. If there was a box of crackers and a can of spray cheese at home, that was dinner for the boys.

Matt watched Brian savor his eggs and toast sadly. He knew that Brian hadn\'t eaten all that much when he lived with his stepfather, but it seemed like he\'d never eaten breakfast before in his life. He looked at his mother and noticed she, too, was watching the smaller boy sadly. He was glad she had so readily accepted Brian into their home.

After breakfast, they drove to school in Matt\'s car and walked in together. They got a few odd looks, especially from Ryan, but Matt chose to ignore them for now. They stopped at his locker first, then at Brian\'s, where they met his brother. Matt noted Kevin\'s angry look as soon as they approached. He\'d never known before yesterday that Brian had a brother, and it appeared as if Kevin wished he didn\'t know Matt. When they went into the bathroom to talk, Kevin made his feelings known immediately.

\"What the hell is going on here, Bri? Why are you with Matt Henshaw?\" Matt felt his face redden with shame but he stood his ground. He was fielding curious looks from this guy that Kevin was with and he didn\'t like it at all. They were going to try to convince Brian to go with them and that couldn\'t happen. They wouldn\'t be able to stop Brian\'s cutting, he knew it and he wouldn\'t let them take him.

\"Things are complicated, Kev,\" Brian replied. Matt was a little disappointed that he didn\'t elaborate, but what could he expect? \"How are you? I assume this is the guy who got you out?\"

\"Yeah,\" Kevin gestured to his friend. \"Jason Brennan. Jay, this is my brother, Brian.\"

The two shook hands.

\"Nice to meet you, Jay,\" Brian said. \"This is my friend Matt, but I guess you figured that out.\"

\"Your FRIEND?!\" Kevin squeaked. \"He sprained your wrist last month!\"

Matt\'s inner shame grew. He had a LOT to make up for if he wanted to earn Brian\'s trust, and he did. It was vital to helping the boy.

\"So, you\'re staying with Jay and his parents?\" Brian asked his brother.

\"My sister,\" Jason bristled slightly and Matt looked at him curiously now. There was more to that story, he could tell.

\"Yeah,\" Kevin smiled. \"And she\'s expecting you to come, too. We can get your stuff today at lunch.\"

This was it. Matt\'s stomach muscles tightened. What if Brian agreed and told Matt he wanted to go with his brother instead? Matt wanted to be the one to help Brian. He needed to help Brian.

\"No,\" Brian shook his head. Matt tried to hide his sigh of relief but Jason\'s amused glance told him he hadn\'t been successful.

\"Why not?\" Kevin whined. \"You promised you would get out of there when I did.\"

Oh, no. The guilt trip! What would Brian do?

\"And I did,\" Brian said softly. \"I just don\'t think it\'s a good idea for me to stay with you right now.\"

\"Why not?\" Kevin asked. \"And where are you staying?\" Matt knew the younger boy probably suspected the answer already, but was praying he was wrong.

\"Because if he goes after anyone, it\'s probably going to me first,\" Brian said. \"And I won\'t put you in that kind of danger.\"

\'Well reasoned response,\' Matt thought.

\"Where ARE you staying, Brian,\" Jason asked quietly. Matt knew this guy was trouble. He wasn\'t an idiot. Unfortunately. But Matt was determined to keep Brian in his sights no matter what.

\"He\'s with me,\" Matt said firmly, staring a hole through Jason. \'Yeah, just TRY to take him!\' he thought.

\"WHAT?!\" Kevin exploded. \"Oh, no, no, no. No way.\"

\"Kev, this is my call,\" Brian said.

\"Can we talk over here for a sec?\" Kevin pulled his brother to the far side of the room. Brian looked up at the ceiling as Kevin began his little tirade keeping his voice low. Matt couldn\'t make out everything that was said but he knew the younger kid was pissed.

\"So, you\'re determined to keep him, huh?\" Jason asked.

\"What\'s it to you?\" Matt asked tightly. This kid rubbed him wrong from the start, acting all righteous.

\"Kevin doesn\'t like it,\" Jason said. \"And therefore, I don\'t like it.\"

\"Not your call,\" Matt replied evenly.

\"Could be,\" Jason said. \"Social services is only a phone call away.\"

\"You are NOT putting him in that hell hole!\" Matt growled walking close to Jason and getting in his face. \"He\'s been through enough!\"

\"Are you sure you aren\'t putting him through more?\"

\"He wants to stay with me,\" Matt growled back, enunciating every syllable. \"He\'s staying with ME.\"

\"If Kevin agrees, anyway.\"

\"Kevin has NO choice,\" Matt replied. \"It\'s BRIAN\'S decision. Besides, if Brian goes into the system, Kevin goes, too.\"

Jason winced but stood his ground. Matt knew he hit a nerve.

\"What\'s going on here?\" Kevin asked as he walked back over to Jason.

\"Nothing,\" Matt replied more harshly than he\'d meant.

\"Hey, can I talk to you for a minute, Matt?\" Kevin asked, earning a warning glance from his brother. Kevin gave him a glare in response. \"Alone.\"

\"Alone?\" Matt broke the staring contest and looked at Brian then back at Kevin. This didn\'t sit right. Alone meant Brian out of sight.

\"I\'d like to have a private word with Brian anyway,\" Jason smiled innocently. Oh how Matt wanted to rearrange that face.

\"What?\" Brian looked distinctly uncomfortable with the thought. Well, Matt was relieved to see that. At least Brian was showing a bit if trust.

\"You have a hell of a lot less to worry about with Jason than you do with Matt,\" Kevin sneered.

Matt\'s shame crept back to the surface but he masked it.

\"Cut it out!\" Brian had apparently had enough. This was also a relief. Matt liked to see Brian defending him, even if Kevin was right about their past. \"Matt\'s my friend now and you\'ll just have to trust me on it. I don\'t want you attacking him on my behalf.\"

\"Because you\'ve always been the one to protect me,\" Kevin finished for him.

Matt turned to Brian sadly. He had shouldered a lot before now.

\"I just want to ask you a few questions,\" Jason said to Brian.

\"He should stay with me,\" Matt protested. He didn\'t like being separated from the kid this soon.

\"I\'ll keep a close eye on him,\" Jason replied dryly. Matt wanted to punch him again.

He and Brian exchanged glances. Matt could tell the smaller boy didn\'t want to be separated yet either. That gave Matt a boost. It meant that Brian did feel safe with him.

\"Okay,\" Matt finally acquiesced. \"But you two go no further than that hallway.\" He gave Jason a severe warning glance before turning back to Kevin.

Kevin looked to Jason for an assuring nod before turning to Matt. It seemed Brian wasn\'t the only one who needed to feel safe. Matt didn\'t miss Jason\'s smile as he walked out with Brian.