Guide To The Best Porn Fic EVER!
folder
Original - Misc › Humour
Rating:
Adult ++
Chapters:
6
Views:
3,943
Reviews:
25
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Category:
Original - Misc › Humour
Rating:
Adult ++
Chapters:
6
Views:
3,943
Reviews:
25
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Disclaimer:
This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance of characters to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. The Author holds exclusive rights to this work. Unauthorized duplication is prohibited.
For An Advanced Writter
How to make the best porn fic EVER! (Part the second)
Well, it looks like people have brains and have been reading this guide, so now it’s time for step two in your training to write the best porno fan fic EVER!!! (More exclamation marks note just how serious and passionate I am about this stuff, so place your eyes all over this divinity.)
Ok so I covered the basics in the page before this, but you still seem to be struggling with something somewhere somehow. Don’t worry. I’m here for you. Last time I cover the general porn fic style, which is, pretty much non-existent. Yoai, which I shall expand upon. I shall once again strike deep into the bowels of Harry Potty, but not in the homosexual way… or am I!? How to make the best cross over ever, and a few other things, which I’m just going to wing it with my unboundless knowledge. (Run-on sentences build character and show just how much you are willing to jam into one line, so do it a lot.) Let’s see, where to begin.
1.) Expanding upon the general porno fic. (You may as well skip this.)
Here we find ourselves again wondering just how one can make this better. Ok so lets pretend that somewhere out there is an author weird enough to actually write one of these with a hope of getting recognized. Stop laughing; I said we have to pretend. Let’s say we are over in the world of Star Wars on whatever planet name George Lucus has managed to pull out of his ass this time. Han Solo and that chick with the Danishes on the side of her head. (Not Luke, that’s called incest. But since we’re on this note I’d like to applaud George Lucus on actually sneaking this into one of his films. For those of you that don’t know: Luke lays a French kiss on his sister and doesn’t even flinch.) Now we find Han Solo and that big hairy wookie thing on the ship talking about lord knows what because you can only actually make out half the conversation, but they’re talking about things and then things happen where as other things come up and things happen. Remember continuity means shit all when it comes to art, just get these two characters from point A to point big fluffy bed/broom closet. Either way Han is ‘thrusting into her wildly’ until his ‘thrusts became jagged’ and he becomes the one-man bukake. (Note: Bukake involves at least two guys and a single woman, but most commonly seen with twenty nine guys and one women all pouring their ‘hot seed’ across her… well… everywhere. Get it?)
Now that you’ve completed the scene you find yourself feeling a little empty with the scene. A little empty with all the events leading up to the climax. Or was that truly the climax? I THINK NOT! (Caps Lock is your best friend if you have either yelling, or desperately need to have the audience pay close attention to a certain word, like aardvark you see because it is actually spelled with two a’s in the beginning and that’s bound to knock some one’s socks off.) Remember that big hairy thing that waves it’s hands above its head and makes a weird bumpy groaning sound? We are now going to throw him into the mix because every on knows that if the event were to occur a wookie would come in and steal the show with interracial/interspecies hardcore, hot sweaty sex. That’s a lot of hair and one hell of a mess; so don’t hold back on explaining the gooey details. (Note: Remember that while writing a porn fiction of any kind, all and every character must be so blatantly out of character and promptly replaced with the nerdy personalities of all your D&D buddies, because every one wants to know about them and their love for Mountain Due and Doritos.) (Note 2: I have no fucking clue why.)
Now that the walls of the Millennium Falcon have been painted white lets move to the next expansion.
2.) Taking another stab at Yoai.
Boys will be boys and what boys do is stick it to each other every chance they get in only the most taboo of manners. Naruto… (Can I get a ‘fuck yes’?) Remember how you’re supposed to throw everyone out of character as much as possible? This is no different. Ever man, boy, and over developed being in anime must instantly be turned into the biggest flamer possible. I’m talking about feather boas, make-up, glitter, pink, lying in each other’s laps smiling uncontrollably, listening to Shania Twain, Madonna, Sarah Maclauclan and those noisy fourteen year old Japanese pop singers 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Do you get the picture yet or should I just show you an image of Liberachi right now? No I didn’t think so. Naruto and Sasuke, this pairing has never been done before so get to it and be the first one. This is a personalized gift from me to you and you’d be a fool not to close this window down and get all over this one like stink on shit.
If you’re still reading then you have a brain in your head and not up your ass. The key to every fan girls heart is to make a hot topic pairing, make it as unbelievable as humanly possible and throw in at least one scene involving food and sex at the same time. Also throw in some sort of off topic comment like, ‘While ‘blanks’ one-eyed pirate was thicker, ‘blanks’ was longer’ and make it out to be some sort of victory over the other because every one knows longer is better. Even if you’re a 27 year old virgin still living in your parents basement and you bitch about your parents going through your shit in your daily blog, you know for fact that longer is better. I asked my grandma once, I said, “Hey Nana, what’s better? Thicker or longer?” And she said, “longer dear.” And grandma knows best now doesn’t she? Nod, smile, now shut the fuck up and listen.
Over here we find ourselves with a dilemma of some sort. How can ‘A’ go with ‘B’ and how can this be solved without violence. We need these two guys to frost each other’s donuts so I’ll give you some universal examples right here.
- They end up in a secluded area for whatever reason.
- They end up taking a bath together for whatever reason.
- They join the army for whatever reason.
- They go shopping together and end up in a change room for whatever reason.
- They fall on top of each other for whatever reason.
- They confess some sort of secret love for each other out of fucking nowhere for whatever reason.
- They clean out the back of a car together for whatever reason.
- They go on a picnic for whatever reason.
As long as it has some sort of non-existent solid support as to why it happens then you’re on the right road to writing the best porno yoai fan fic EVER!
3.) Harry Potter and The Fan Girl With Moral Dilemmas.
Ok, so you’ve watched the first Harry Potter movie and now you’re king shit of AdultFanfiction.net. This is true I asked my grandma again and she verified this for me. So now you have these ‘kids’ going about doing whatever wizards do. ‘I assume they cast spells and fly on brooms.’ Now these ‘kids’ are in fact a bunch of ‘kids’. Well as an author with much moral dilemma with all these kids around you need to ask yourself how to write this fanfic without coming off as a pedophile. Easy answer as always. Here’s the line you start your first chapter with to ensure no flame reviews. “Six years had passed since…”
Now throw your arms into the air and scream, “IT’S A MASTERPIECE!” Because now instead of every one picturing a bunch of twelve year olds in a fifty way gangbang, now ever one will picture a bunch of eighteen year olds in a fifty way gangbang thus making it better in every way fathomable. I can just picture Harry at the age of eighteen with his youthful face, trademark circular glasses, long thick dark hair covering his forehead while walking to the Hogwarts wide orgy in the courtyard and eyeing up Drako with a sultry smile. See? Completely different picture from what you would have had the other way. That line up above is practically a blessing from me to you so use it as vigorously as you need to. Drako needs to be someone’s bitch and he needs to be Harry’s bitch on his eighteenth birthday, so go nuts people.
4.) Expanding on that really bitchin’ crossover.
Now the key to an awesomely kickin’ rad crossover fanfic is to is to prove your mental capacity with your apparent knowledge of everything. Are you just going to cross two things together and call it a fan fic? FUCK NO! What you are going to do is a mass accumulation of as many anime, movie, novel, video games as you possibly can and merge them all together into a single story. Who should the main character or characters be? None other then all your D&D buddies from before. Your summary should read sort of like this. (Three teens/authors sitting at there computers one night get sucked into the world of anime/Middle Earth/Harry Potter and learn to use magic and fight monsters blah, blah, blah with ponies and blah, blah, blah, starwars/startrek) To note now there should be a lot of slap-stick comedy involved as well as long winded humor. If you want a great example of this amazingly amazing cross-over style then place move your eyes ever so slightly down the screen.
In and alternate universe, anime worlds collide with real worlds (wtf? That’s a contradiction, but it doesn’t matter.) and form a single universe involving (Get ready for this) Akira, Big O, Card Captor Sakura, Transformers, Prince of Tennis, Pet Shop Horrors, Little Shop of Horrors, Rurouni Kenshin, Dragonball, Dragonball Z-GT, Trigun, Fruits Basket, Ranma ½, Gundam Wing, Naruto, Harry Potter, Starwars, Appleseed, Armitage III, Cowboy Bebop, Lord Of The Rings, Final Fantasy 1-11, Super Mario, Fooly Cooly, Golden Boy, Xenogears, D&D, Xenosaga, Rocky Horror Picture Show, Kingdom Hearts, Ninja Scroll, Big Wars, Venus Wars, Ghost in The Shell, that weird porno I saw with nothing but transvestites in it, Dance Dance Revolution, The Matrix, Conker’s Bad Fur Day, Evil Dead, Dracula, Beverly Hill Billie’s, That 70’s show, The Simpsons, Family Guy, Phantom of the Opera, Rocky, Ninja Gaiden, Galaxy Express 999, Polar Express, Hulk Hogan, Titanic, Attack of The Killer Tomatoes, and Revenge of The Nerds.
The story should consist of you and your friends traveling across the countryside occasionally meeting people from these crossover choices, fucking each and every last one until you fight some big bad guy and decide to either go home or stay with all your new friends. Sounds boring? Believe me no one’s going to read this for the story value; they just want to know how exactly you’re going to get all this bullshit into six chapters. Oh, and you may think that having a crossover list larger then your summary should cause concern, but as I said, no one cares what it’s about, they just want to know how you got all this shit to work.
5.) Water Writes: Never seen them, I honestly don’t think they exist.
If you do plan on making one of these, just have any style of porn you want and in the end make them take a leak on each other. Someone will find it sexually gratifying.
6.) Fics Set To Songs! A brilliant new idea!
For this to happen you must remember that any American made music should be immediately void unless it is Evanescence, Jewel, Simple Plan (or whatever the new emo band is), Enya, and essentially anything you can set some really fluffy, bubbly yoai to, or make it really out of character and covered in depression and angst. Oh yeah, screechy 14 year old Japanese pop singers are the way to go. Nothing says yoai love like ‘My Heart Flies Over Mountains’ By Uki and the Love Rockets. Every one loves that song.
7a.) Fine Tuning Your Fic!
Ok, you’ve just spent a month writing a chapter for your fic. It is three pages long in Word on front size nine, which is pretty small from twenty feet away. You’ve poured your heart and soul into this thing and now’s your chance to brag. Make an authors note about six pages long explaining how you made the fic, who beta tested it for you, who touched you inappropiatly while writing it, how late you stayed up to write it, how many bears you had, how many people you broke up with, how much of an asshole your roommate is, how many times you cried to make it, and about which Harry Potter H/D man sex fic inspired you to become a writer. Remember people want to know more about you then the bullshit you write about, so make them authors note freakin’ huge.
7b.) Fine Tuning It Even More!
Disclaimers are now needed so that nobody gets sued and are actually here so that you still have a place to post your material, but this doesn’t mean you have to put up with them! Show how outraged you are by throwing in some sort of witty comment, or edgy self-quote that’ll say ‘How fuking stupid these disclaimers are!!! THEY FUCKKING SUKC!!! But I guess I’ll put it on because every ones a dumb egoistical f*ker! I don’t own this sh*t!!! So don’t sue me you *ssh*les!!!’ See? Gets the point across, gets your statement across, and you just zinged the creators of Sailor Moon for being an ass load of butt pirates. You are truly an admirable person for standing up for what you believe in. Free speech! Hell they don’t even take down your fic if you don’t have a disclaimer. I’d like to note now that if you go to my profile you’ll see that I’ve written no less then a 183 Harry Potter fics and none of which have disclaimers and they’re all still there. Why? Because I rock.
7c.) Swearing issues!
As you may have seen up above I put stars where the vowels would be in fuck, shit, and asshole. If you have a problem with swearing then be sure to use it excessively, but with these stars. You’ll be a whirlwind of contradiction and linguistic genius in no time.
8.) Closing statement!
Remember to always talk about the ‘juices’ that pour out of your characters. Watching an alarming amount of hours of hentai can easily tell you that everything that comes out of the human body is of some neon white substance, and private parts are either blurry, glow gold, or are invisible. (Watch Level-C and you’ll know what I’m talking about.) Goodbye for now and good luck with the fanfics!
*******************************************************
Fun fact: Uki and the Love Rockets are not actually a band. For the love of god please don’t try looking for them, and if by some chance I’m wrong, please don’t tell me.
Well, it looks like people have brains and have been reading this guide, so now it’s time for step two in your training to write the best porno fan fic EVER!!! (More exclamation marks note just how serious and passionate I am about this stuff, so place your eyes all over this divinity.)
Ok so I covered the basics in the page before this, but you still seem to be struggling with something somewhere somehow. Don’t worry. I’m here for you. Last time I cover the general porn fic style, which is, pretty much non-existent. Yoai, which I shall expand upon. I shall once again strike deep into the bowels of Harry Potty, but not in the homosexual way… or am I!? How to make the best cross over ever, and a few other things, which I’m just going to wing it with my unboundless knowledge. (Run-on sentences build character and show just how much you are willing to jam into one line, so do it a lot.) Let’s see, where to begin.
1.) Expanding upon the general porno fic. (You may as well skip this.)
Here we find ourselves again wondering just how one can make this better. Ok so lets pretend that somewhere out there is an author weird enough to actually write one of these with a hope of getting recognized. Stop laughing; I said we have to pretend. Let’s say we are over in the world of Star Wars on whatever planet name George Lucus has managed to pull out of his ass this time. Han Solo and that chick with the Danishes on the side of her head. (Not Luke, that’s called incest. But since we’re on this note I’d like to applaud George Lucus on actually sneaking this into one of his films. For those of you that don’t know: Luke lays a French kiss on his sister and doesn’t even flinch.) Now we find Han Solo and that big hairy wookie thing on the ship talking about lord knows what because you can only actually make out half the conversation, but they’re talking about things and then things happen where as other things come up and things happen. Remember continuity means shit all when it comes to art, just get these two characters from point A to point big fluffy bed/broom closet. Either way Han is ‘thrusting into her wildly’ until his ‘thrusts became jagged’ and he becomes the one-man bukake. (Note: Bukake involves at least two guys and a single woman, but most commonly seen with twenty nine guys and one women all pouring their ‘hot seed’ across her… well… everywhere. Get it?)
Now that you’ve completed the scene you find yourself feeling a little empty with the scene. A little empty with all the events leading up to the climax. Or was that truly the climax? I THINK NOT! (Caps Lock is your best friend if you have either yelling, or desperately need to have the audience pay close attention to a certain word, like aardvark you see because it is actually spelled with two a’s in the beginning and that’s bound to knock some one’s socks off.) Remember that big hairy thing that waves it’s hands above its head and makes a weird bumpy groaning sound? We are now going to throw him into the mix because every on knows that if the event were to occur a wookie would come in and steal the show with interracial/interspecies hardcore, hot sweaty sex. That’s a lot of hair and one hell of a mess; so don’t hold back on explaining the gooey details. (Note: Remember that while writing a porn fiction of any kind, all and every character must be so blatantly out of character and promptly replaced with the nerdy personalities of all your D&D buddies, because every one wants to know about them and their love for Mountain Due and Doritos.) (Note 2: I have no fucking clue why.)
Now that the walls of the Millennium Falcon have been painted white lets move to the next expansion.
2.) Taking another stab at Yoai.
Boys will be boys and what boys do is stick it to each other every chance they get in only the most taboo of manners. Naruto… (Can I get a ‘fuck yes’?) Remember how you’re supposed to throw everyone out of character as much as possible? This is no different. Ever man, boy, and over developed being in anime must instantly be turned into the biggest flamer possible. I’m talking about feather boas, make-up, glitter, pink, lying in each other’s laps smiling uncontrollably, listening to Shania Twain, Madonna, Sarah Maclauclan and those noisy fourteen year old Japanese pop singers 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Do you get the picture yet or should I just show you an image of Liberachi right now? No I didn’t think so. Naruto and Sasuke, this pairing has never been done before so get to it and be the first one. This is a personalized gift from me to you and you’d be a fool not to close this window down and get all over this one like stink on shit.
If you’re still reading then you have a brain in your head and not up your ass. The key to every fan girls heart is to make a hot topic pairing, make it as unbelievable as humanly possible and throw in at least one scene involving food and sex at the same time. Also throw in some sort of off topic comment like, ‘While ‘blanks’ one-eyed pirate was thicker, ‘blanks’ was longer’ and make it out to be some sort of victory over the other because every one knows longer is better. Even if you’re a 27 year old virgin still living in your parents basement and you bitch about your parents going through your shit in your daily blog, you know for fact that longer is better. I asked my grandma once, I said, “Hey Nana, what’s better? Thicker or longer?” And she said, “longer dear.” And grandma knows best now doesn’t she? Nod, smile, now shut the fuck up and listen.
Over here we find ourselves with a dilemma of some sort. How can ‘A’ go with ‘B’ and how can this be solved without violence. We need these two guys to frost each other’s donuts so I’ll give you some universal examples right here.
- They end up in a secluded area for whatever reason.
- They end up taking a bath together for whatever reason.
- They join the army for whatever reason.
- They go shopping together and end up in a change room for whatever reason.
- They fall on top of each other for whatever reason.
- They confess some sort of secret love for each other out of fucking nowhere for whatever reason.
- They clean out the back of a car together for whatever reason.
- They go on a picnic for whatever reason.
As long as it has some sort of non-existent solid support as to why it happens then you’re on the right road to writing the best porno yoai fan fic EVER!
3.) Harry Potter and The Fan Girl With Moral Dilemmas.
Ok, so you’ve watched the first Harry Potter movie and now you’re king shit of AdultFanfiction.net. This is true I asked my grandma again and she verified this for me. So now you have these ‘kids’ going about doing whatever wizards do. ‘I assume they cast spells and fly on brooms.’ Now these ‘kids’ are in fact a bunch of ‘kids’. Well as an author with much moral dilemma with all these kids around you need to ask yourself how to write this fanfic without coming off as a pedophile. Easy answer as always. Here’s the line you start your first chapter with to ensure no flame reviews. “Six years had passed since…”
Now throw your arms into the air and scream, “IT’S A MASTERPIECE!” Because now instead of every one picturing a bunch of twelve year olds in a fifty way gangbang, now ever one will picture a bunch of eighteen year olds in a fifty way gangbang thus making it better in every way fathomable. I can just picture Harry at the age of eighteen with his youthful face, trademark circular glasses, long thick dark hair covering his forehead while walking to the Hogwarts wide orgy in the courtyard and eyeing up Drako with a sultry smile. See? Completely different picture from what you would have had the other way. That line up above is practically a blessing from me to you so use it as vigorously as you need to. Drako needs to be someone’s bitch and he needs to be Harry’s bitch on his eighteenth birthday, so go nuts people.
4.) Expanding on that really bitchin’ crossover.
Now the key to an awesomely kickin’ rad crossover fanfic is to is to prove your mental capacity with your apparent knowledge of everything. Are you just going to cross two things together and call it a fan fic? FUCK NO! What you are going to do is a mass accumulation of as many anime, movie, novel, video games as you possibly can and merge them all together into a single story. Who should the main character or characters be? None other then all your D&D buddies from before. Your summary should read sort of like this. (Three teens/authors sitting at there computers one night get sucked into the world of anime/Middle Earth/Harry Potter and learn to use magic and fight monsters blah, blah, blah with ponies and blah, blah, blah, starwars/startrek) To note now there should be a lot of slap-stick comedy involved as well as long winded humor. If you want a great example of this amazingly amazing cross-over style then place move your eyes ever so slightly down the screen.
In and alternate universe, anime worlds collide with real worlds (wtf? That’s a contradiction, but it doesn’t matter.) and form a single universe involving (Get ready for this) Akira, Big O, Card Captor Sakura, Transformers, Prince of Tennis, Pet Shop Horrors, Little Shop of Horrors, Rurouni Kenshin, Dragonball, Dragonball Z-GT, Trigun, Fruits Basket, Ranma ½, Gundam Wing, Naruto, Harry Potter, Starwars, Appleseed, Armitage III, Cowboy Bebop, Lord Of The Rings, Final Fantasy 1-11, Super Mario, Fooly Cooly, Golden Boy, Xenogears, D&D, Xenosaga, Rocky Horror Picture Show, Kingdom Hearts, Ninja Scroll, Big Wars, Venus Wars, Ghost in The Shell, that weird porno I saw with nothing but transvestites in it, Dance Dance Revolution, The Matrix, Conker’s Bad Fur Day, Evil Dead, Dracula, Beverly Hill Billie’s, That 70’s show, The Simpsons, Family Guy, Phantom of the Opera, Rocky, Ninja Gaiden, Galaxy Express 999, Polar Express, Hulk Hogan, Titanic, Attack of The Killer Tomatoes, and Revenge of The Nerds.
The story should consist of you and your friends traveling across the countryside occasionally meeting people from these crossover choices, fucking each and every last one until you fight some big bad guy and decide to either go home or stay with all your new friends. Sounds boring? Believe me no one’s going to read this for the story value; they just want to know how exactly you’re going to get all this bullshit into six chapters. Oh, and you may think that having a crossover list larger then your summary should cause concern, but as I said, no one cares what it’s about, they just want to know how you got all this shit to work.
5.) Water Writes: Never seen them, I honestly don’t think they exist.
If you do plan on making one of these, just have any style of porn you want and in the end make them take a leak on each other. Someone will find it sexually gratifying.
6.) Fics Set To Songs! A brilliant new idea!
For this to happen you must remember that any American made music should be immediately void unless it is Evanescence, Jewel, Simple Plan (or whatever the new emo band is), Enya, and essentially anything you can set some really fluffy, bubbly yoai to, or make it really out of character and covered in depression and angst. Oh yeah, screechy 14 year old Japanese pop singers are the way to go. Nothing says yoai love like ‘My Heart Flies Over Mountains’ By Uki and the Love Rockets. Every one loves that song.
7a.) Fine Tuning Your Fic!
Ok, you’ve just spent a month writing a chapter for your fic. It is three pages long in Word on front size nine, which is pretty small from twenty feet away. You’ve poured your heart and soul into this thing and now’s your chance to brag. Make an authors note about six pages long explaining how you made the fic, who beta tested it for you, who touched you inappropiatly while writing it, how late you stayed up to write it, how many bears you had, how many people you broke up with, how much of an asshole your roommate is, how many times you cried to make it, and about which Harry Potter H/D man sex fic inspired you to become a writer. Remember people want to know more about you then the bullshit you write about, so make them authors note freakin’ huge.
7b.) Fine Tuning It Even More!
Disclaimers are now needed so that nobody gets sued and are actually here so that you still have a place to post your material, but this doesn’t mean you have to put up with them! Show how outraged you are by throwing in some sort of witty comment, or edgy self-quote that’ll say ‘How fuking stupid these disclaimers are!!! THEY FUCKKING SUKC!!! But I guess I’ll put it on because every ones a dumb egoistical f*ker! I don’t own this sh*t!!! So don’t sue me you *ssh*les!!!’ See? Gets the point across, gets your statement across, and you just zinged the creators of Sailor Moon for being an ass load of butt pirates. You are truly an admirable person for standing up for what you believe in. Free speech! Hell they don’t even take down your fic if you don’t have a disclaimer. I’d like to note now that if you go to my profile you’ll see that I’ve written no less then a 183 Harry Potter fics and none of which have disclaimers and they’re all still there. Why? Because I rock.
7c.) Swearing issues!
As you may have seen up above I put stars where the vowels would be in fuck, shit, and asshole. If you have a problem with swearing then be sure to use it excessively, but with these stars. You’ll be a whirlwind of contradiction and linguistic genius in no time.
8.) Closing statement!
Remember to always talk about the ‘juices’ that pour out of your characters. Watching an alarming amount of hours of hentai can easily tell you that everything that comes out of the human body is of some neon white substance, and private parts are either blurry, glow gold, or are invisible. (Watch Level-C and you’ll know what I’m talking about.) Goodbye for now and good luck with the fanfics!
*******************************************************
Fun fact: Uki and the Love Rockets are not actually a band. For the love of god please don’t try looking for them, and if by some chance I’m wrong, please don’t tell me.