The Gay Man's Matchmaker

Chapter 2

Are you fucking kidding me?!?! I screeched to myself as we all sat around the table. I haven’t even begun to recover from Tommy’s threats and there I sat in a fairly nice restaurant, complete with snowy white tablecloths, glittering silverware and gleaming crystal glasses, while my date went over the menu for the hundredth time … looking for something vegetarian in a STEAKHOUSE!

“I’m so sorry,” Lauren said to the guy sitting next to me.

“No problem, Hon,” he cheerfully replied. “Tommy didn’t remember that from our conversation, but you have to forgive him. After all he’s a straight guy.”

I laughed at that. I had to give him credit. The guy had a sense of humor … even if he did dress like my sister … well, maybe not MY sister, but someone’s. I looked him over while he read. His bright pink tank top clashed with his green and red striped pants, and the yellow clogs on his feet looked precarious to say the least! Even though they gave him a three-inch boost in height, he still only came up to my shoulders. His riotous orange curls were pulled back into a yellow headband that didn’t quite match his clogs … but hey, that seemed to be the least of the outfit’s problems. His blue eyes were by far his best feature, in my opinion. Too bad he caked on so much purple eye shadow and brown eyeliner.

I wanted to bang my head against the table but the Emily-Post-like manners my mother had instilled in me wouldn’t let me hurt the poor thing’s feelings. So I settled for discreetly glaring dangerously at my so-called best friend. Why the fuck would he do this to me? Did he seriously think this was an appropriate match? I swear, sometimes I wholeheartedly agreed with female talk-show hosts when they and their guests complained that men know nothing about relationships. Straight men really don’t, as far as I’m concerned.

The waiter stopped by our table … for the fifth time … to see if Genie (I’m not fucking kidding, his name was Genie) had come to a decision. Thankfully, he had.

“I think I’ll have a salad with a baked potato on the side,” he chirped.

“Sour cream and onion?” the waiter asked in a bored voice.

“Please!”

Genie happily handed the menu back to the waiter … who was probably en route to the kitchen to gleefully rub my ribeye all over his ass before the chef grilled it. I met Tommy’s apologetic eyes again and scowled deeply.

“So … Kee,” Genie began in a high-pitched voice that would put my cousin Vera to shame. “Tommy tells me you’re a photographer.”

“Yeah,” I sighed. I was waiting for the other foot to drop.

“Would you be interested in using me for any of your upcoming shoots?”

Ker-plunck! I knew it! I knew it! It never fails.

“Right now I’m mostly working on food shoots with Gourmet and Bon Appetit. I also have a Food & Wine shoot coming up. Nothing with people, though.” I dutifully pasted an apologetic smile on my face to punctuate the sentence. And I wasn’t lying either. I did focus on culinary projects. Food is easier to work with.

“That’s too bad,” Genie sighed. Then he suddenly brightened and I got a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. “Do you think you could take some shots of me anyway … for my portfolio?”

NO! Hell no! Fuck no!

“I’ll see if I can pencil you in,” I said with a forced smile … and a sharp kick to Tommy’s shin. “But I’m pretty booked for the next couple of months.”

Tommy winced but didn’t yelp. Damn! I didn’t kick him hard enough!

“That’s okay!” Genie laughed. “I can wait as long as I need to.” He picked up his fancy, fruity Mai Tai and took a delicate sip.

I sighed in resignation before downing half of my beer. This guy wasn’t going to be easy to get rid of. Damn! Lauren, a petite brunette with wide green eyes, smiled politely at Genie and began a conversation about fashion magazines. God bless that poor girl! She’s going to need it after she marries my best friend. I should know! We’ve lived together for almost three years. He may look like a GQ reading yuppie, but at home he’s a lazy slob! And whatever fungus is growing on his feet should be studied by the government and developed as a secret weapon. The smell could bring a large battalion to its knees!

Our waiter brought our plates and stoically served us then asked if we wanted any cracked pepper. Not wanting to piss him off any more than he was already, I declined, as did Lauren and Tommy. Genie, on the other hand, enthusiastically accepted … and made the poor guy grind half a pepper mill over his salad and potato. How could he eat that much ground pepper? When the waiter was finally able to escape, Genie excused himself … to the little boy’s room! I shook my head at his retreating form.

“Here,” I grunted shoving my plate at Tommy. “Smell this!”

He looked at me funny before shrugging and complying. “Smells good to me, Kee! … Why?”

“You sure it doesn’t smell like angry waiter ass?”

Lauren dissolved into a fit of giggles, snorting and sniffling while Tommy grinned.

“It’s fine, Kee.”

“You’re positive?”

“Yes!” Tommy growled playfully. “Now eat it! Anyway, he’s really not that bad!”

“Are you fucking kidding me?!” (What did I tell you about thinking it then saying it? This time it was a delayed reaction.)

“Kee …” he whined in reply.

“He’s a walking psychedelic nightmare!” I hissed in a hushed tone. “I’m just curious … pal. How exactly did you decide he would be a good date for me?”

“I … um …”

“Tell him!” Lauren swatted Tommy’s arm. “Now! Before Genie gets back!”

Tommy sighed and looked me in the eye. “He was kind of the first guy I saw when I went into Kelly’s.”

I almost spat my mouthful of beer in his face. What the fuck?!

“What the fuck, man?!”

“See?” Lauren chided her fiancé. “I told you not to rush the first guy you saw.”

“But he’s gay!” Tommy whined pitifully.

“And …?” I pounced on that. “So, he’s gay! So the fuck what? That doesn’t mean I’ll automatically be attracted to him!”

“That’s true,” Lauren nodded.

Tommy looked perplexed.

“Are you automatically attracted to any woman you see?” I demanded. “Like, say, my cousin Vera?”

Tommy frowned and shook his head. “Not fair, dude. She’s your blood so I can’t respond to that.”

“Who’s cousin Vera?” Lauren asked curiously as she speared a green bean with her fork.

Finally feeling brave, I cut into my ribeye albeit warily. “She’s the one on my mother’s side that I always refer to as ‘The Owl’.”

“The Owl?”

“She tends to screech like an owl,” I explained. “And she’s had a wicked thing for Tommy-boy since high school.”

Lauren smirked. “I have competition?”

“You certainly don’t!” Tommy insisted. “Not from Vera!”

“The point is,” I shot Tommy a fulminating glare, “that just because I’m gay doesn’t mean I’ll be attracted to any other gay man? Got it?”

“Really!” Lauren joined in. “Kee’s been single for three years for a reason, Tom. He has some standards in mind. I was trying to tell you that before you went to Kelly’s.”

“You didn’t go with?” I asked her.

“He wouldn’t let me!” she shrugged.

“Well this explains everything!”

Tommy rolled his eyes before taking a drag from his beer bottle. “Fine! You can come with me next time!”

“I can?” Lauren and I both chimed together.

“She can!” Tommy groused. “You would do everything in your power to thwart my goal. You stay home!”

“And wait for you bring me another … specimen?”

“The rule has been invoked.”

“That doesn’t mean I can’t have a say!”

“Okay!” Lauren interrupted us. “Look … how’s this? I go with Tommy for the next run, and we’ll see how it goes.”

She gave me a pleading look that she knew I wouldn’t refuse. But I have a reputation to protect. Difficulty is my middle name. Okay, it’s Edward. But don’t fucking tell anyone!

“Fine! But if it’s another disaster, I either go with next time or we cancel the rule!”

“No way!” Tommy hissed, narrowing his eyes at me. “I know you! You’ll pull something to get us all kicked out! I get five tries before you’re allowed to step in.”

“Five?!” I countered. “Even in baseball there are only three strikes!”

“This isn’t baseball!”

“Three, Tommy! And that’s my final offer!”

“Fine! Three! But this one doesn’t count!”

“It does so!”

“Does not!”

“Does so!”

“Okay!” Lauren said again. “Three, and this one does count!”

She glared at Tommy, daring him to argue. He opened his mouth to oblige her when Genie came sashaying back from the restroom.

“Sorry I took so long!” he greeted us. “I had to powder my nose.”

I looked closely and groaned inwardly. He actually had powdered his nose.

“So, how is the food?”

“It’s great!” Lauren smiled encouragingly. “Try it!”

Genie took a small bite of his potato and frowned. “Oh, it’s gone cold,” he sighed. “I guess I’ll have to call the waiter over here to have it reheated.”

Visions of the waiter angrily pissing in the beer I was about to order filled my head and I squeezed my eyes shut briefly to exorcise them.

“Oh, that’s a shame,” Lauren sighed sadly. “With how long that would take we’ll be too late to get into Gigi’s tonight. That line starts early”

Gigi’s?!?! The hot dance club? Oh, hell no!

“That’s okay,” I said. “I have an early start tomorrow anyway.”

“Gigi’s?!” Genie squealed. “I’ve been dying to go there!” He looked at me excitedly, apparently ignoring my statement. “Eat up, Kee! We have a night to dance away!”

Oh fucking hell!