Battle of the Sexes
folder
Original - Misc › Humour
Rating:
Adult +
Chapters:
3
Views:
1,312
Reviews:
0
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Category:
Original - Misc › Humour
Rating:
Adult +
Chapters:
3
Views:
1,312
Reviews:
0
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Disclaimer:
This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance of characters to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. The Author holds exclusive rights to this work. Unauthorized duplication is prohibited.
Battling Programs
WIFE(sitting on couch as HUSBAND enters): The VCR doesn\'t work!
HUSBAND: What? It was working this morning. What did you do?
WIFE: What did I do? I didn\'t do anything! I turned the TV on, then I tried to use the VCR. How dare you accuse me--!
HUSBAND: I\'m sorry. I meant, what happened? What button did you push, and what was the result? I need to know, so I can figure out how the machine messed up.
WIFE: Okay--that\'s better. I started by--
(THREE MINUTES DESCRIPTION OF BUTTONS BEING PRESSED AND RESULTING ACTION OR INACTION.
INTERSPERSE TWELVE MINUTE EXPOSITION ON MACHINES THAT NEVER WORK THE WAY THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO, GADGETS THAT ARE TOO COMPLICATED AND WHAT IS WRONG WITH TV SHOWS NOWADAYS.
COLORFUL METAPHORS MAY BE ADDED ACCORDING TO READERS\' IMAGINATION.)
HUSBAND: Okay, okay--I\'ve got the picture now. Let me show you how to do it again. Now, you press the Power button--
WIFE: Why should I press the Power button?
HUSBAND: Because it turns the VCR on.
WIFE: Then why don\'t they call it the \'On\' button?
HUSBAND: Because it turns the VCR off, too. It depends on whether or not it was on to start with.
WIFE: Then they should call it the \'On/Off\' button.
HUSBAND: Look, they do that on the newer models. This is an older one. Bear with me, okay? Now, we turn it on...
WIFE: But is wasn\'t off. The display is still on.
HUSBAND: The display is supposed to stay on. That way you know the machine is working.
WIFE: If the machine is off, how can it be working?
HUSBAND: The display is connected to an internal clock. The clock stays on, even when the machine is turned off. That way, the machine will know what time it is so it can turn on and record the programs you\'ve set it for. When it\'s finished, it turns itself off.
WIFE: That\'s nice. If the machine is so smart, why didn\'t it record my programs?
HUSBAND: We\'re getting to that. One step at a time. Now, you set the TV on Channel 3--
WIFE: I know that part--set the TV on Channel 3, turn on the VCR and hit Play--
HUSBAND: No, not yet. First you have to put the VCR in VCR mode.
WIFE: Put it in VCR mode? What\'s that?
HUSBAND: That tells the machine you\'re going to use it as a VCR.
WIFE: What else would I use it for? Making bread?
HUSBAND: No, you might use it in TV mode.
WIFE: Are you telling me it\'ll turn into a TV?
HUSBAND: No-o-o. In TV mode, you use the TV alone, not record or play back any tapes.
WIFE: Why go to all that trouble? Why not just turn it off? Oh, that\'s right, you can\'t turn it off. No, don\'t tell me--you can turn it off, but its clock is on, so it\'ll know when to turn the machine on and off.
HUSBAND: You\'re getting the hang of it now.
WIFE: Thank you. Except I don\'t understand a word I just said.
HUSBAND(sighing): Well, now that it\'s in VCR mode, you can program it.
WIFE: Don\'t tell me--there\'s a button to program it, but it\'s labeled something else?
HUSBAND: No, it\'s the Program button.
WIFE: Hey, marvelous! Someone actually thought of that!
HUSBAND(sighs again): You hit the Program button, it brings up the Programming Screen. Now you go through each part, then press the OK button.
WIFE: Oh, gee, how simple...fill in the blanks.(Pushes buttons.) All right, I\'m trying to, but it\'s not doing it. Now what?
HUSBAND: You have to put the cursor in the blank you want to fill.
WIFE: Fine--how do I do that?
HUSBAND: Push the proper button. See where it\'s marked Start Time, End Time, Date, Channel, and so on?
WIFE: Oh, okay. Which is the...what did you call it? The curse button?
HUSBAND: The cursor. It isn\'t a button, it\'s a pointer.
WIFE: A pointer? Like the mouse on the computer? Where\'s the arrow?
HUSBAND: There isn\'t any arrow. It\'s a blinking square on the Programming Screen.
WIFE: Is it a different color?
HUSBAND: No.
WIFE: Then how do I tell where it is?
HUSBAND: I told you--it\'s blinking.
WIFE: Oh. Oh, I see it. Okay, now that I see it, what do I do?
HUSBAND: You press the control to set it for the time, date and channel you want.
WIFE: I\'m trying that. It isn\'t working.
HUSBAND: No, you don\'t press the number buttons, you press the control buttons.
WIFE: Which are those?
HUSBAND: Look, I\'ll do it--okay? You look at the instruction booklet, and it\'ll answer most of your questions.
WIFE: That\'s the best suggestion I\'ve heard so far. By the way, which section are they in? The one written in Japanese, French or German?
HUSBAND: They\'re written in English.
WIFE: There\'s a section written in English? What kind of English? Most of what I read looked like English letters, but I couldn\'t make head nor tail out of it.
HUSBAND: Never mind. Which soap operas did you program it for?
WIFE: Soap operas! What, do you think I have nothing better to do than sit around watching soap operas? I wanted to record the shopping channels.
HUSBAND: The shopping--! Never mind. Just tell me the day and time.
WIFE: It isn\'t one day and time. Here\'s the schedule.
HUSBAND: What is this? You have programs outlined in three different colors.
WIFE: Yellow I\'m curious about, purple looks interesting, and orange is absolutely look at it.
HUSBAND: Arrrgh! This is too much to put on one tape!
WIFE: Well, all I have to do is change tapes when one fills, right?
HUSBAND: Not when you\'re recording that many programs back-to-back.
WIFE: Well, I guess you\'ll just have to buy another VCR.
HUSBAND(grumbling): Why did I buy this thing in the first place...?
WIFE: As I recall, you wanted to watch three basketball games that came on at the same time. Gee, in that case, maybe you had better buy two more VCR\'s. Don\'t worry--I\'ll find a nice cheap one on one of the daily specials. Hmmmm...maybe you should watch with me, so we get the right one. Hey! I can show you those bracelets I\'ve been drooling over--!
Author\'s Note: I really hope you liked it so far. Please please review and rate. Thank you so much!
HUSBAND: What? It was working this morning. What did you do?
WIFE: What did I do? I didn\'t do anything! I turned the TV on, then I tried to use the VCR. How dare you accuse me--!
HUSBAND: I\'m sorry. I meant, what happened? What button did you push, and what was the result? I need to know, so I can figure out how the machine messed up.
WIFE: Okay--that\'s better. I started by--
(THREE MINUTES DESCRIPTION OF BUTTONS BEING PRESSED AND RESULTING ACTION OR INACTION.
INTERSPERSE TWELVE MINUTE EXPOSITION ON MACHINES THAT NEVER WORK THE WAY THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO, GADGETS THAT ARE TOO COMPLICATED AND WHAT IS WRONG WITH TV SHOWS NOWADAYS.
COLORFUL METAPHORS MAY BE ADDED ACCORDING TO READERS\' IMAGINATION.)
HUSBAND: Okay, okay--I\'ve got the picture now. Let me show you how to do it again. Now, you press the Power button--
WIFE: Why should I press the Power button?
HUSBAND: Because it turns the VCR on.
WIFE: Then why don\'t they call it the \'On\' button?
HUSBAND: Because it turns the VCR off, too. It depends on whether or not it was on to start with.
WIFE: Then they should call it the \'On/Off\' button.
HUSBAND: Look, they do that on the newer models. This is an older one. Bear with me, okay? Now, we turn it on...
WIFE: But is wasn\'t off. The display is still on.
HUSBAND: The display is supposed to stay on. That way you know the machine is working.
WIFE: If the machine is off, how can it be working?
HUSBAND: The display is connected to an internal clock. The clock stays on, even when the machine is turned off. That way, the machine will know what time it is so it can turn on and record the programs you\'ve set it for. When it\'s finished, it turns itself off.
WIFE: That\'s nice. If the machine is so smart, why didn\'t it record my programs?
HUSBAND: We\'re getting to that. One step at a time. Now, you set the TV on Channel 3--
WIFE: I know that part--set the TV on Channel 3, turn on the VCR and hit Play--
HUSBAND: No, not yet. First you have to put the VCR in VCR mode.
WIFE: Put it in VCR mode? What\'s that?
HUSBAND: That tells the machine you\'re going to use it as a VCR.
WIFE: What else would I use it for? Making bread?
HUSBAND: No, you might use it in TV mode.
WIFE: Are you telling me it\'ll turn into a TV?
HUSBAND: No-o-o. In TV mode, you use the TV alone, not record or play back any tapes.
WIFE: Why go to all that trouble? Why not just turn it off? Oh, that\'s right, you can\'t turn it off. No, don\'t tell me--you can turn it off, but its clock is on, so it\'ll know when to turn the machine on and off.
HUSBAND: You\'re getting the hang of it now.
WIFE: Thank you. Except I don\'t understand a word I just said.
HUSBAND(sighing): Well, now that it\'s in VCR mode, you can program it.
WIFE: Don\'t tell me--there\'s a button to program it, but it\'s labeled something else?
HUSBAND: No, it\'s the Program button.
WIFE: Hey, marvelous! Someone actually thought of that!
HUSBAND(sighs again): You hit the Program button, it brings up the Programming Screen. Now you go through each part, then press the OK button.
WIFE: Oh, gee, how simple...fill in the blanks.(Pushes buttons.) All right, I\'m trying to, but it\'s not doing it. Now what?
HUSBAND: You have to put the cursor in the blank you want to fill.
WIFE: Fine--how do I do that?
HUSBAND: Push the proper button. See where it\'s marked Start Time, End Time, Date, Channel, and so on?
WIFE: Oh, okay. Which is the...what did you call it? The curse button?
HUSBAND: The cursor. It isn\'t a button, it\'s a pointer.
WIFE: A pointer? Like the mouse on the computer? Where\'s the arrow?
HUSBAND: There isn\'t any arrow. It\'s a blinking square on the Programming Screen.
WIFE: Is it a different color?
HUSBAND: No.
WIFE: Then how do I tell where it is?
HUSBAND: I told you--it\'s blinking.
WIFE: Oh. Oh, I see it. Okay, now that I see it, what do I do?
HUSBAND: You press the control to set it for the time, date and channel you want.
WIFE: I\'m trying that. It isn\'t working.
HUSBAND: No, you don\'t press the number buttons, you press the control buttons.
WIFE: Which are those?
HUSBAND: Look, I\'ll do it--okay? You look at the instruction booklet, and it\'ll answer most of your questions.
WIFE: That\'s the best suggestion I\'ve heard so far. By the way, which section are they in? The one written in Japanese, French or German?
HUSBAND: They\'re written in English.
WIFE: There\'s a section written in English? What kind of English? Most of what I read looked like English letters, but I couldn\'t make head nor tail out of it.
HUSBAND: Never mind. Which soap operas did you program it for?
WIFE: Soap operas! What, do you think I have nothing better to do than sit around watching soap operas? I wanted to record the shopping channels.
HUSBAND: The shopping--! Never mind. Just tell me the day and time.
WIFE: It isn\'t one day and time. Here\'s the schedule.
HUSBAND: What is this? You have programs outlined in three different colors.
WIFE: Yellow I\'m curious about, purple looks interesting, and orange is absolutely look at it.
HUSBAND: Arrrgh! This is too much to put on one tape!
WIFE: Well, all I have to do is change tapes when one fills, right?
HUSBAND: Not when you\'re recording that many programs back-to-back.
WIFE: Well, I guess you\'ll just have to buy another VCR.
HUSBAND(grumbling): Why did I buy this thing in the first place...?
WIFE: As I recall, you wanted to watch three basketball games that came on at the same time. Gee, in that case, maybe you had better buy two more VCR\'s. Don\'t worry--I\'ll find a nice cheap one on one of the daily specials. Hmmmm...maybe you should watch with me, so we get the right one. Hey! I can show you those bracelets I\'ve been drooling over--!
Author\'s Note: I really hope you liked it so far. Please please review and rate. Thank you so much!