Double Angels
Chapter 2
* * * Chapter 2 * * *
“Well, well, well.” Kabos crossed his arms and gave a rather nasty smile to the figure clad in white. “If it isn’t the proverbial Papa’s boy come to grace us with his unwelcome presence.”
Deanna stared open-mouthed at the tall blonde man standing before her. Unlike Kabos, he was dressed in a pristine white suit, so clean and bright that it hurt just to look at him. White buttoned up shirt, white tie and even white shoes completed the rest of his ensemble. His hair was cropped short, a platinum blonde that actually looked natural, like he was born with it. His eyes were the signature baby blues of cornflowers, sparkling like trick birthday candles. And sure enough, he had the glowing outer ring of golden light and feathered ivory wings that accompanied a typical angel. Deanna just gawked. Yeesh, were all angels such delicious eye-candy?
“It is not my presence that is unwelcome,” the glowing angel said angrily. His voice was edged with an upper-crust accent that Deanna couldn’t place. British, maybe? “What are you doing out of your district, Kabos? You have no right to be here.”
“Oh contraire, actually I do.” Kabos produced a scroll from the air and tossed it to him. “Read it and weep, prick. Paragraph number four, section thirteen. Not only do I have diplomatic immunity to be here, but I got a mission to complete.” He smiled as the bright angel frowned over the document.
“You can’t be serious.” He read over the document again, golden brows furrowed in disbelief. “But with my ward? That’s preposterous. She’s never done anything to merit this sort of test. There’s not a single mark on her record.”
“Exactly. It’s always the innocent and sheltered ones that are the most susceptible to temptation. Lucifer fucking loves that. Besides, there’s also some discrepancy as to whether she had any outside help to maintain such a spotless record. You wouldn’t know anything about that, would you?”
“If you’re suggesting that I would falsify holy documents for self-interest, then you are terribly mistaken.”
“Oh right, I forgot. I mean, just look at you.” He waved his hand out to encompass the blonde’s appearance. “You look like the fucking poster boy for the Nazis. A goddamn boy scout with wings.”
“Um hello?” Deanna’s light voice brought the attention of both angels to her. “Uh yeah, um anyone care to tell me what’s going on because I am really confused?”
The blonde angel smiled a bit sheepishly. “Forgive me, Deanna. I suppose I should introduce myself. I am Jonah, Messenger of Peace and your protector.” When she just frowned, he clarified. “I am you’re guardian angel.”
Deanna blinked. “No way! Really? Cool.” Then she frowned again as she looked over to Kabos. “But if you’re my guardian angel then who's. . .?”
Kabos smiled wolfishly. “I’m Kabos, Second Lieutenant to His Darkness, Lucifer The Fallen. Also know as Satan, the Devil, Beelzebub, tempest, demon, evildoer, and the list goes on and on.”
“I thought you said you were an angel.”
He shrugged. “I am. A dark angel. I got cast aside with the rest of the revolutionaries who followed Lucifer and got on God’s bad side. And by the way, just for the record, I got my own set of set of larger-than-life wings.” He gave Jonah a meaningful glance. “I just prefer not to flaunt it like some prima donna.”
Jonah’s fair face flushed slightly. “It is protocol that an angel appear before his ward in the form often associated with our kind. To do otherwise would be unprofessional.”
Kabos sighed. “Always sticking to the rules, aren’t you, prick? Well, can’t really blame you if doing the Almighty’s grunt work is the only thing you’re good at.”
Jonah shook his head, exasperated, and turned his attention back to his ward. “In any case, Deanna. There seems to be a misunderstanding as to why you were selected for the Transitional Snare, but do not worry. I will speak to the Lord and have this little mistake corrected immediately.”
“I’m telling you. There’s no mistake. If you talk to God, you’re going to get the same answer.”
Jonah ignored him and clasped his hands in prayer. Kabos rolled his eyes heavenward and mouthed ‘why me?’ “Oh Lord, please thou give me a sign that this scroll which I hold is no forgery. That it is truly the word from thy gracious lips and thy will. However, if the devil’s swine thus is baring false witness unto you, may no sign come and may thee banish him from the mortal world.”
A long pause. Nothing. Deanna raised one eyebrow to Kabos. He just leaned against a headless mannequin and examined his nails. A small, satisfied smile tugged the corners of Jonah lips just before a horrendously loud shriek came from the cosmetic section and a women, robust and in her mid-fifties, skidded by them across the plush carpet as though it were as smooth and slick as a waxed linoleum floor. She crashed headlong into the pole modeling black crotch-less panties. One landed on top of Deanna’s head like lopsided beanie.
“Well, I’d say that was a pretty obvious sign,” Kabos said between chuckles as a hoard of store clerks rushed by to help the woman. He walked over to Deanna, grinning like the Cheshire cat on steroids. “Hmm, never would have considered black to be your color.” He hooked a finger under the panties and blinked. “Or this style.” His grin widened. “You look cute with crotch-less panties on your head. I think I’m getting a hard on.”
Deanna glared at him. “Aren’t angels supposed to be sexless?” she said sarcastically. She snatched the underwear off her head and not knowing where else to put it, draped it over a nearby mannequin’s arm.
Kabos snorted. Though how he made a snort look graceful and sexy, Deanna had no clue. “Jesus fucking Christ, who filled your head with that bull.” Jonah threw him a warning glance, but Kabos just ignored him. “If I can guarantee you one thing babe, it’s that I am not a walking androgynous Ken doll.”
She frowned. “So all that stuff I read about angels being these sexless, celibate beings and saw in Dogma with Matt Damon and Ben Affleck wasn’t true?”
Jonah shook his head adamantly. Kabos nodded. “Yup. I’ve got all the plumbing and accessories that comes with every guy.” He smiled wickedly. “And a little more. If you still don’t believe me, I’d be more than willing to give you a demonstration.” He sneaked a hand around her waist and quickly pulled her to him.
Deanna gasped and placed a hand on his chest to stop him from pulling her closer. Jonah fumed.
“Do you delight in raising havoc on the whole blasted world?” he scolded, wings rustling like an angry dove. “Do you even have any idea the danger you put us in by revealing that we are, in fact, gender-defined beings?”
“Why is it dangerous?” Deanna asked, temporarily distracted. Kabos took the opportunity to slide his hand lower and grabbed her ass. She yelped and slapped his hand away, glaring at him. Kabos mouthed an innocent ‘what?’ Deanna turned and made sure a good five feet were between them.
“It is dangerous,” Jonah said slowly, tossing Kabos a disapproving look. “Because we would lose the trust and comfort many people find in angels when they are in times of great need.”
Deanna looked genuinely intrigued. “How so?”
Jonah’s cheeks flushed slightly. She had the impression he’d never been the center of anyone’s attention before. “Well. . .how shall I put this delicately? Suppose a rape victim for example. How would a vulnerable woman feel if her guardian angel, her only confidante, was equipped with the same means as her attacker to cause her pain? Would she not feel uncomfortable and God forbid, even scared, wary of his motives? Where would we angels be if not for this illusion?”
“But isn’t that lying?”
Jonah thought about that. “Not necessarily. Although baring false witness is against the commandments, we angels are after all humanitarians and find that occasionally bending the rules—sort of speak—benefits our wards more than harms them.”
“Yeah, too bad that only applies to ass kissers and yuppies.” Kabos suddenly appeared next to Deanna and she yipped, hand over her pounding heart. “Now about that demonstration. . .” He leaned down to kiss her.
Deanna turned her head and crossed her arms, ignoring him. Kabos just smiled and settled for giving her cheek a quick lap like a dog. He moved away before she could knee him in the groin.
“Oh that’s disgusting!” Deanna grimaced as she wiped her cheek. Since when did angels produce saliva?
“Oh, we produce a lot more than that, cupcake.” He winked, and Jonah ran a hand over his face, shaking his head.
“Stop reading my thoughts! It’s unnerving and an invasion of privacy.”
Kabos feigned a bewildered expression. “Gee, and here I thought women wanted a man who could read their minds.” He sashayed closer to her. “Know their every want, their every need.” Way too sensuous lips curved into a half-smile. “Their every desire.” He lightly ran his hands over her shoulders “Ever heard of the term cosmic orgasm?”
“Oh for heaven’s sake!” Jonah glided over and extricated Deanna from the smiling devil. “Will you cease and desist? We have a dilemma on our hands, such as how to proceed with the Transitional Snare.”
“The Transitional Snare?” Deanna asked.
“Apparently, for some divine reason or other, the Lord has chosen Kabos as the proctor for this—well, I suppose ‘examination’ would be a good term to describe it. Basically, you will be tested, Deanna on how well or not so well you respond to certain temptations.”
“So wait, you’re saying that Kabos is going to be my tempter and that I’m being judged on how well I resist him?”
“In a manner of speaking, yes.”
“Well, that sounds easy. I mean, all I have to do is just ignore him and never do what he says, right?”
“Oh I don’t think it’s quite that simple, babe.” Kabos sauntered over and draped an arm around her shoulders. Deanna tried shrugging it off but found that his arm was stuck there like it was super glued on. She elbowed him, then yelped rubbing her funny bone.
“Yeesh, what are you angels made of? Holy bricks?!”
He chuckled. “Honey, I wouldn’t be complaining if I were you. It’s not very nice to sock someone in the gut. Besides, I can read your thoughts, remember?”
“Yeah, yeah,” she mumbled, nursing her arm. Jonah just shook his head at the stupidity of it all and gave Kabos another one of his warning looks. “So why won’t it be that simple?” Deanna asked after a while.
Kabos answered her. “For one, not everything is clean cut black and white, meaning there’s no definite right or wrong answers to the ‘tests’ I’m gonna give you.”
“I’m confused.”
“Well, for some of them,” Jonah explained, “there is a definite morally correct answer. For example, if he were to ask you to kill a person for no apparent reason, then of course, the answer would be no. But say he offers you—oh I don’t know—a brownie or some treat. If you’re hungry and taking the brownie doesn’t harm anyone, then there is no real reason to reject his offer. But remember, your behavior and actions affect not only your place in line for heaven, but also the remainder of you life as of today.”
“So basically I make the call, and whatever he asks me to do is ambiguous and up to me to decide?” Jonah nodded. “Why am I being tested?”
“’Cause,” Kabos interrupted, “you’re at a time in your life where you’re very susceptible to change. Hence, the shitty name ‘Transitional Snare.’ You either transition to become a more liberated person who lives life to the fucking fullest, or you get caught up in a nasty web and join yours truly down under.” He smiled when he said the last. “Don’t worry, it’s not so bad down there. Kind of warm actually.”
She turned towards Jonah, face pale. “When do I start?”
“As soon as I leave. However,” he looked at Kabos, “I’d like to exercise my right as a guide for my ward if she is uncertain during the Transitional Snare.”
Kabos did a mock bow. “Be my guest.”
Jonah nodded and tucked the scroll into his coat pocket. “If you ever need any assistance Deanna, do not hesitate to ask. I’ll check up on you often to view your progress.” His gaze lingered a bit longer than was necessary on her, then he disappeared in a quiet, reluctant snap.
Kabos’ brows furrowed, wondering what was up with that glazed look in Jonah’s eyes. But he pushed that thought out of his mind when he felt Deanna shuffle her feet next to him. He glanced at her and grinned. “Boy, you and I are gonna have lots of fun.”
“I hate brownies, you know. They make me hyper and gain weight.”
“Cupcake, even if you yapped all night like a puppy and gained a hundred pounds, you’d still be cute. Sort of like a sexy Cabbage Patch Kid.” Deanna just blinked like a deer caught in the headlights while he steered her out the double doors of Victoria’s Secret and onto the paved sidewalk. He brushed her arm lightly with his fingers. “So any sexual proclivities?”