Snowfall

I did miss my mother and father, a great deal in those first days. It was not so difficult for me as it might have been for some. I was used to be alone as an only child, and I was well accustomed to my only companions being adults. I found the Brothers to be a friendly bunch for the most part. They quickly became the family I\'d never truly had. In some ways a few spoiled me rotten, giving me extra portions of food, allowing me to slip away from my studies, covering for me while I went fishing. In truth life was not so bad. I even found some of the chores familiar and enjoyable. Father John had me work with the few animals that the Abbey had to help support and feed the monks.

The only unpleasant portion of this task was the rooster. He was a cocky little bird. No pun intended, ok, so it was intended, but this is my story and if I want to remember it with cheesy jokes I am allowed to. Now back to the rooster, he believed the entire churchyard belonged to him, especially the hens and the eggs. I can\'t fault him for wishing to guard those but it meant that every day I had to get the eggs for the morning breakfast while being attacked by an angry rooster. Don\'t take these birds lightly, people don\'t watch cock fights for nothing. They can be quite viscous. I had many a cut and scrape to clean up, eventually I started finding ways to sneak in to the coop without him noticing. Most often I would feed him grain on the far side of the churchyard and then hurry to the coop, scooping eggs at a frantic pace, hoping to be out of the coop before he noticed where I\'d gone.

I did run into the group of boys again, of course, this was the church for the area and though people did not always go to mass each Sunday, especially the farmers far afield, we saw them eventually. I was amazed to find them frightened of me. I had become this unknown thing. A being saved by God is what I heard them whisper. They feared the wrath of the Almighty and I managed to sneak close enough to hear a few confessions. A thing which would have gotten me a beating even by kindly Father John. The boys feared that God would punish them for harming one of his chosen. To my suppressed glee the answer they were given was that this was indeed a great crime against the Lord and they were all given lengthy Hail Marys and Our Fathers to do. I felt kindly disposed to the one who had come looking for me that one morning and I did try to speak to him once after Mass. It did not go well as I recall.


\" I am glad to see you are well.\" I told him quietly.


\"Ah! Brother Albin!\" He cast his gaze down and still looked guilty. \"I...I am glad to see you well also.\"

\"I am not a brother yet, I have not taken my vows. I am in training to become a priest.\"

It did not seem to change things, I was still some strange creature to be feared.

\"That sounds wonderful. I wish you well.\" He stammered and then looked about for his parents. \"I must be going, my mother is waiting. \"

\"God bless you.\" I sighed and turned back inside the Abbey.

Many times later I think of that small conversation and I wonder. If my father had not chosen to send me to the Abbey would things have changed? I believe from the look that had been on the boy\'s face that day in the field that things might have changed for me on their own. I don\'t think he would go back to hitting me and perhaps he could convince some of the others that it was wrong as well. That had been my hope that day, but my father saw fit to send me to the Abbey instead. I have mixed feelings on this, some days I regret not having the normal life of a farmer, to grow up, find a girl to marry, have children of my own. Then I think of the things I have seen and learned in my time on this earth and I think knowing the choices I would still give up that normal life for knowledge. I am such a curious creature. It gets me into trouble.

For instance, several years went by and my life with the monks had grown quite comfortable to me. I grew curious however for I had not seen my parents at church in months and that was odd. It was not the winter when conditions might make such travel difficult. They should have come to a service by now. It weighed on my heart more and more, until I devised a plan. I slowly started gathering extra food, a few extra eggs, snitching a few of the hard rolls, in a few days I had enough for a several day journey to my father\'s farm and back, if I was sparing with the rations. I even managed to get an extra hunk of cheese. I was feeling rather good about this adventure. That was how I saw it. It never occurred to me the dangers of this journey or that there would be the Brothers and Father John concerned for me. I waited until nightfall when I had the most hours between times I was be expected to be somewhere, I had to be careful though. There was a constant vigil in the Abbey which meant that someone was always awake. It would be difficult to get the large church door open without making a sound to alert the monk on vigil.
I snuck to the door, holding my breath I reached out and carefully pulled on the handle. It didn\'t budge. I yanked a little harder and it made a scraping sound as it pulled free. I held still and listened. Nothing, I let my breath out slowly from my aching lungs and willed my heart to slow down. One last look around and I slipped out and slowly slid the door shut behind me. I was not completely free, I still had to make it out of the churchyard without alerting the animals, especially that evil rooster.
I could see him perched a top the coop with his head under his wing. Moving slowly I crept across the yard, all the while berating myself for not thinking to bring some grain in case he was awakened. Almost there, almost, just a few more yards. The bird crowed! This time I did not stay still, I broke into a run. Let me say now that life in the abbey had not hampered my ability to run. I was still quite fast. I don\'t know whether the monk was alerted by that blasted bird or not, this time I did not look back.

I remembered the way home perfectly. I began to get into the spirit of my adventure. I even made bold plans to tell my parents that I would like to come home and stay. I envisioned them taking me back, a learned boy who could read and write. Imagine what a help that might be? I could not think of where it might be helpful but perhaps I could learn new ways to farm. I would have made this journey safely, surely I would prove to my father that I was capable of taking care of myself and eventually the farm.
The first night I made a small shelter of branches and felt rather proud of myself. I lay with my head out of my little home and watched the stars, thinking up big plans for my future. In the morning I had a small breakfast and started on my way again. By evening I would be at my old home. No doubt I should wait until morning to present myself to my parents but I would get to that when the time came. Seeing some wildflowers growing along side the road I decided to pick a few to take to my mother. I saw the familiar farm as nightfall approached, it looked rather frightening in the dark. The plants looked black and the field could hold any of a number of things. I was not used to seeing it at night, one went to bed early on a farm in order to be up early. Some how the predawn field did not look so sinister, perhaps it was knowing that the sun was rising. This time there were many hours of darkness left to go. I quickly made my way to the house. Deciding I will just sleep next to the building to be there when father woke in the morning. Leaning against the wall of the small home I could hear my parents speaking inside. A weight was lifted from my shoulders; this whole plan of mine involved my parents being safe and sound but a part of my mind had worried that their absence had been because of some disaster. I leaned my back against the wall of the home and listened contentedly to my parent\'s voices. It was then that I heard a sound I had not expected to hear, it was a baby\'s cry.

\"He\'s hungry. Hand him here.\" Said my mother\'s voice.

\"Yes, Little Alin is a hearty little fellow knows what\'s good for em.\" My father\'s voice carried clearly through the walls. \"He\'s going to grow up nice and strong, this one. I just hope he doesn\'t wear you out too terribly, Anne. I know you had a difficult time with him.\"

\"He was a lot bigger than Albin so it is no wonder.\"

I listened with growing despair. My family would never take me back, they had little Alin. Who it seems was already not so little. There was no need of me, I was the sickly son. To weak and timid to be a real man but now my father and mother had the child they had always wanted. I stood up on shaky legs, placing a hand on the house to steady myself. Slowly, I gathered my things and found the flowers that I was going to bring to my mother. With a sad sigh, I left the bundle just outside the front door and started the slow way back to the Abbey. Father John was going to be furious with me for sneaking out but I didn\'t care anymore. The Abbey was the only home I had now and my only family.
I had not planned on coming back. I reached the Abbey hungry and tired but too heart sick to really feel like eating. Father John met me at the front door. I later heard that he had taken to standing at the tower windows in order to be able to watch for me. The priest looked like he was about to say something, I don\'t know what, a reprimand?, He changed his mind. Father John asked one of the brothers to fetch a bowl of soup and some bread. He then pulled me aside and asked me quietly where I had been. I didn\'t want to repeat it that would make it more real but Father John was a priest and they had ways of getting people to talk. Its a talent, a gift from God perhaps. For whatever reason I found the whole story tumbling out of me in a jumble of words and sobs. Somehow he made sense of it all, and pulled me close. I don\'t know how long I lay there crying into his cassock but eventually he convinced me to eat the soup and the bread. The priest sat with me while I ate and spoke to me.
\"I believe that the Lord intended for you to be here, Albin. He would not have made you as he did if that had not been his will.\" He smiled at me.
\"You\'re a bright caring boy, Not meant to be a rough farmer. I see how you read, soon there will be no books left in the library that you have not read! Would you have read as a farmer, Albin?\"
\"No, Father.\"
I understood what he was telling me and I began to believe it was true. This was my home and always shall be. That day I resigned myself to the church. I was still not ready to take my vows but in my heart they were already given. I threw myself into my learning and ceased trying to make friends with the other children and even stopped looking for my parents at mass. I saw them, of course, with my younger brother. He was just as they had said, a healthy child, rosy cheeked and good natured. Over the years I watched him grow; at first I felt a hatred for him, a jealousy for the love and pride my family showed him that I never saw for me. As the years went by, I found I had a strange fascination with him. I watched him whenever I could and over time I felt protective of him. This was my brother, my real flesh and blood brother. I wondered if my parents ever mentioned me to him, ever said that he had an older brother. Several times I thought to try to talk to him but I always stopped short. I think I was scared to find out what they might have told him or not have told him. So instead I imagined that they had told him he had a brother who was going to be a priest, I tried to imagine them proud of me but I just couldn\'t quite stretch my imagination that far.