Guide to Dirty Talk

From the creator of the popular "Guide to Dirty Talk"
comes:

Guide to Cybersex:

Hello again! Following the unaccountable positive reaction
to my last installment, I've decided to impart you with my vast know-how when
it comes to cybersex. As I depart my teenage years, I reflect back to my last
cybersex adventure (when I was 12) and think: "I wonder if that was really
a girl." Talk about sexy! A veteran to the virtual giddy-up, I'm here to
explain the finer points of cyber sex, and how to avoid those nasty iSTDs. Or
is it eSTDs? I think STeDs sounds coolest.

01) Lie about your age

Whether you're a 14-year-old boy just breaking into his
promiscuity or a 60-year-old woman looking for some candy, there's no better
lie than the nice, round: 17-year-old girl. All the boys want it because it's
prime and all the girls want it because, let's face it, any girl who cybers is
either bisexual or a man. The only inappropriate time for this lie is if
you're, ironically, that age. If 17 don't turn your crank, might I suggest 13?
It's not like it's REALLY pedophilia when you're actually 47. Though you do
still live with your parents in the room you grew up in. You're so perfect for
this.

02) Use the hottest new slang and pseudonyms

I'm almost embarrassed to be spelling words correctly
nowadays. If you want to impress people, you need to use language that would
crash a spell-checker. "Suck my dick" becomes "suk myz
dck". Generally, forget everything you thought you knew about vowels. Make
sure your name has "blonde", "xxx", "69",
"juicy", "sexy" or any combination of "2",
"hott" and "4u". Add in a couple of z's, make sure you use
obnoxiously long strings of mmmmm's and hey, you'll have "grrlz on yer
cooock mmmmm" in no time.

03) Ignore foreplay

The information super highway has no time for "I'm
touching your tits". If you're going to cyber, cyber at a respectable
pace. They didn't invent ADSL so some jagoff like you could romance
people. "I'm licking your fingers one by one" needs to be "I
just came. Sorry." Wait, don't apologize. And don't use capital letters. I
almost forgot about step two, my bad. Also, why did I spell it 'came'? Here's
what it looks like in the 21st century: "i cummed so hrd r u lickng
iy?" I think I just had five orgasms writing that.

04) Make it interactive

Come on now. This is the computer science age! Sex doesn't
stop with text -- you've got a whole rest of that computer to play with.
Luckily, since most people who cyber are men and have small peckers, the A
drive makes an awesome substitute. You thought you achieved that new level of
interactivity by enclosing your actions in brackets or stars, didn't you?
[chuckles.] Not until your dick is a 3-and-a-quarter will you attain cybersex
nirvana. *spanks*

And finally, bitch:

05) Close with an over the top lie.

I'll pause while you wipe down the screen. Now since you've
blown your load, it's time for you depart with some dignity. Try saying that
you're an eighty-year-old grandmother supporting her family with e-loving subscriptions.
With any luck, your 'woman' will reveal that her real name is Gregory and that
he has to go to be early since school starts in the morning. Damn you feel
horny just thinking about that, don't you? And, hey, if you're a woman who's
getting her jollies, just say you actually don't shave your pussy and
that you don't have a 44DD chest. That'll curdle a boy's blood.

If you haven't already fallen asleep, I suggest trading in
that Commadore 64 for one of those new Dell computers. Generally, cybersex
requires a modem. At least you can make an ass of yourself with any forum,
online or not. Happy e-trails!