Inside the Fire

I didn’t see him again until the next weekcoulcouldn’t stand the emptiness of my house now that my parents had left for Greece for two weeks. The relief of not having to deal with Danae, that bitch who had tried to replace my mother, was something indescribable, but I was lonely and needed to talk to Gavin. I went for a walk and headed half-knowingly to the Piggly Wiggly down the street where his mother worked. Where I had first seen him.

That day I had passed the time during the short drive to the store counting how many squeaks I heard from the wiper blades. My father had pulled into the parking lot and wordlessly cut the engine. The tapping of the rain on the car roof and windows were ticking away at my nerves and I had contained a shudder. My eyes stayed intensely focused on my hands clamped together, nervously writhing in my lap. Robert’s eyes skipped in my direction before he removed the keys and stepped out of the car. The dread I had been holding deep inside my stomach like vomit released and I pulled my legs up on the seat, wrapping my arms around them and resting the side of my face on my knees.
Through the streaky glass I watched endless people enter and exit the Piggly Wiggly. My eyes became droopy as the exhaustion from the day’s tensity set in. My thoughts slowed and I felt the steadiness of sleep fill my muscles and my expression relaxed.
A slender figure hunched his shoulders against the rain and jogged up to the entrance of the store, hands in pockets. He ran the last few steps to the shelter of the cy hay hanging above the sliding doors. He withdrew a pack of cigarettes along with his bony hand from the right pocket of his slacks. His uneven black hair hung in bulky strands and dripped onto the cement as he leaned forward to light his cigarette. He leaned his left shoulder against the wall as his head tilted back and he released a stream of smoke. He crossed his arms over his chest, the silky white button-up shirt clinging to his lean torso. His eyes traced the skies and then jumped down the parking lot and he gazed lazily around as he brought the cigarette back to his mouth.
And that was when he saw me.
Gavin hesitated the second before he inhaled and his eyes focused. He inhaled as he sed, ed, putting his right hand in his pocket after shifting the cigarette to his left. His straggly hair hung in his small, peircing eyes. And I couldn’t take my eyes off of him.
I watched, completely enticed as he brought the cigarette back to his mouth..inhaling deeply…puckering his lips and blowing the smoke down only to have it drift up again, wafting around his strong jawline. And then I was looking at him and he at me…and I couldn’t have stopped looking for the world.

Thinking about that day made my face flush and I felt more confused than ever. I’d been hesitating getting ahold of Gavin because I didn’t want to ask him about that night…if it had been a dream. Now that I had experienced something so amazing, I realized now I had wanted it from the beginning. I felt ashamed and horribly afraid that I might have only dreamt it. If I knew such intense feelings and sensations were possible but had never actually happened, how would I be able to stand being next to Gavin and not feel his soft skin and lips on every part of me. The idea of never having him like that again, just the idea, drenched my body in cold, unbreakable loneliness.
Today the Piggly Wiggly was packed with shoppers getting things for Labor Day weekend barbecues. I began randomly walking up and down aisles, lost in worries. When I heard Gavin’s mother, Martha’s, voice next to me, I almost jumped.
“’Scuse me…” she whispered apologetically. “I didn’t mean to bother you.”
“No, it’s all right,” I said, looking down at the short woman. “My fault.”
“Thank you.” She responded, grinning amiably. “You’re looking for Gavin, right?”
“Um…yeah I am.”
“I thought so. I was just about to finish my shift if you would like a ride over. Gavin’s at home.”
I smiled down at her kindness. “Sure.”

We stood together out in the warm sun, all the shoppers walking past us, heading out to make some happy holiday memories. We didn’t say a lot to each other. I told her she was very nice to give me a ride. I wouldn’t have minded walking. She smiled her friendly grin and only replied,
“Thank you.”
Her husband’s beat up Chevy Celebrity pulled up and she stepped forward, hands clasped in front of her tightly, to ask him if she could give me a lift. He leaned forward and eyed me for a minute or two. He muttered to her that I should get my own car. She whispered something and I caught Gavin’s name. He shrugged and she turned to me and grinning said, “Come on.” She went around the side of the car and climbed in, squeezing in next to her husband. I got in and shut the groaning door, sitting as close to it as I could.

The house was a clean little duplex with the smell oldewldew and stale cigarettes in the air. Gavin’s dad sat down on the little blue couch in the living room and took a cigarette out of his pack as soon as we entered the house. Martha set her purse on a small end table and smiling said, “I’ll show you his room.”
Gavin and I had met and been friends for a few months now, and yet I had never been to his house. We usually walked around town or went over to my house together. Rob didn’t like Gavin, but hey, Rob didn’t like me either and I wasn’t going to stop being with Gavin because of him.
We went down the narrow hallway which had two doors on the left and one at the end of the hallway. I could hear the band A.F.I. blaring from the room at the end of the hallway. I started to smile, remembering that since their new CD came out, Gavin hasn’t listened to anything but it. But, remembering what I had to ask him, my smile vanished, replaced by a nervous trickle in my gut.
Martha left me standing in front of his room and went back to the living room. I reached up and knocked on the door. I heard him shuffling around, then watched the doorknob turn and the door yank open.
Gavin had looked as if he were about to start screaming when he had opened the door, but then recognition clicked on and he smiled at me. “Hi.” He stepped back and opened the door wider. I stepped in.
Gavin turned the stereo down and sat down on his bed. I stood, waiting to hear myself start asking him what the other night had been about, but I simply stood there, my hands in my jacket pockets, staring at his posters. I felt him staring at me, and I began blushing.
“So did you come here to tell me to keep my hands to myself?” said Gavin.
I swallowed and looked over at him. “Not exactly.”
He waited.
“I..I came here just to…check. I mean, did that…what we did…really happen?”I stared at the floor, terrified.
He smiled again. “Yeah, it did happen.”
“I…I never knew. That it could be like that.”
“So you liked it, did you?” he asked, eyes twinkling.
“I…it..” I was looking at him, speechless at seeing that needy look in his eyes again.
“Michael?”
I waited.
“It wasn’t a dream. I went into your room that night because I knew you wanted me to, even if you hadn’t realized it yet.” His eyes were drilling into me, hungrily scanning my body.
“I haven’t stopped thinking about it. About the way…we touched.”I blushed. “It hasn’t ever been like that with…a woman…with anyone.”
Gavin stood and came over to me. He grabbed my hips and pulled me next to him, grabbing my lips hungrily in his. I put my hands to his face and kissed him back. We pulled away slowly, and I looked at his eyes, lids hanging lazily over them.
“I don’t want to be here.” He said. “Let’s go to your place.”
I nodded.
“Please.” He added.