Playing with Prodigal Sons

So, this thing was going to be a one time deal, but I decided to continue it. I just didn't like to leave it. Anyway, the quotations contained in the first section are legitimate, they come from a bo hap happened to find in my house.. and they were amusing. The generalizations that are made are just too perfect, gotta love late seventies psychology! Anyway, enjoy, allons-y.

***

The library was not as quiet as it should have been. Last period on Friday afternoon was a sort of purgatory, between the grind of the week and the ecstasy of the weekend. The study carrels were all abuzz with snickering and lewd conversation as Derek sat reading, sequestered off by himself in the furthest corner, away from the gaggle of boys, unnoticed. The librarian, his tie hanging loose, sat behind his desk and read in fuming silence, shooting infuriated glances in their direction. But he knew that his battle was already lost, with Friday night looming, so he saved his breath.

Derek sat sideways, his back to the wall and his elbow propped atop the surface of the carrel. The book in his lap was new-old. New in that its grey cover was clean and unmarked, the spine uncracked. But old in the sense that the date inscribed inside the cover was 1979. The book had stood the test of time because the average teenage boy had no use for the Reader's Digest Family Medical Advisor. God only knows why the school even had it. The volume would be more at home in the hands of a hypochondriac new mother fretting over every whimper and rash.

He flipped past Rabies, past Rhinitis, Scarlet Fever and Schizophrenia, until he happened upon what he was looking for.

Sex: What to Tell Your Child, and a sidebar discretely labeled Homosexuality. He skimmed the slim three paragraphs, picking out phrases to mock in his head.

"Because of their early and strong sexual drive, it is not uncommon for boys to experience homosexuality and this is something their fathers need to discuss with them."

(Funny, his father had never mentioned it. Even when my brother caught me making out with a guy. Not one word.)

"It especially happens at boys' boarding schools and may worry any boy who is not prepared for it."

(Perhaps they should put it in the recruiting brochure.)

"Attractive young boys may enjoy being admired and made a fuss over."

(Oh, I do, do I? That's news to me.)

"Guilt feelings about homosexuality are very destructive and an important part of growing up is coming to terms with sexuality whatever it may be."

(Get fucked.)

He shut the book and left it balanced on his knees, his fingers tracing the title idly. Alexis was two tables over, in profile to Derek. He was twisting a curl of hair round and round one index finger, and chewing on the end of his pen as he stared down at an open notebook in front of him. As if he could somehow sense that Derek was looking at him, one hand strayed down to rub at his knee through his regulation uniform trousers.

Even though he couldn't see it with his eyes, Derek could picture with utter clarity a crescent-moon shaped bruise just below the other boy's kneecap, a very particular looking bruise that one can only get kneeling on hard surface (for instance, the tile floor in the bathroom in the math wing) for an extended period of time. It had probably darkened to a sickly looking tinge of purple by know, it having been a few days since that which seemed now like a hallucination had happened.

And then he made up his mind.

****
The hallway was half-lit, as it was well past curfew, being ten o-clock on weeknights. When the door clicked behind him, Derek's watch read four past midnight. But no one was out to see him. If his roommate had not been a curfew-skipping delinquent, Derek might not have had the audacity to embark on this pilgrimage. But having no one to explain his slipping out so late to had given him a certain reckless courage.

He padded down the long hall in his bare feet, having overlooked putting his shoes on in the euphoria of devilishly sneaking out of his room past curfew. He was still wearing his uniform, minus the blazer. His tie was still intact, if loosened a bit.

The stairs at the end of the end of the hall were darker, with only one bulb lit high up in the corner of the center landiThe The dorm complex was three identical strands of identical double rooms, stacked on top of one another, staircases at each end. He climbed quickly and nimbly, glancing back furtively over his shoulder like an agent involved in the deepest, darkest espionage.

The top floor was as quiet as his own. He paused in front of the second door down on his left, hand frozen in the pulled-back-to-knock position. He drew in a hissing breath through clenched teeth and rapped, the sharp sound seeming to echo piercingly through the whole building, the whole city, the whole world even. And then there was the expected moment of unqualified panic.

What if this was the wrong room? He was suddenly convinced that it was, and in a split second came up with a thousand excuses all at once.

But it was the right room. He had checked the number a hundred times.

But what if the roommate was in? Fuck. He hadn't even thought of that. How could he not have? Of course the roommate would be there. It was the middle of the night and not every roommate was a curfew-ignoring bastard like his own.

He was seriously considering racing back down the stairs, taking them two, nay, even three at a time, when his fit of neurosis was inteted ted by the opening of the door.

Alexis peered out at him from the dark inside of the room, one eye clenched totally shut and the other merely a slit against the shock of the hallway light.

"Whhe hhe hell time is it?" There was an audible croak in his voice. He tugged his fingers through his mussed hair, and rubbed his palms against his cheeks.

"I have to talk to you." Derek tried to recover his wits.

"Well, I have to take a piss." Alexis bent over to wedge a shoe between the jamb and the door to stop it from locking behind him. He brushed past Derek, who stood for a second before following. He noted for no particular reason what Alexis wore to bed: boxers (plaid, one pocket at the back, badly frayed) and a grey sweatshirt, much too large, with a kangaroo-pocket in the front.

"You coming along?" As Derek caught up to him, Alexis, even in his groggy half-awake state, managed a wink and a jaunty grin. Derek's sudden look of revulsion made him roll his eyes.

"Tough crowd." He shrugged and pushed against the door.

"I'll just wait out herDereDerek leaned back against the wall with simulated ease. In truth, his hands were shaking. He crushed them behind his back in an attempt to quiet them, feigning an expression of detachment and calm.

"What, he thinks I'm going to fucking escape out the window to avoid.." Alexis' muttering was muted as the door swung shut behind him.

Almost as if on cue, two boys appeared at the top of the stairs. Boys that he knew. But Derek stood his ground, as if it was the most natural thing to be lounging outside the bathroom two hours after curfew without another soul around.

"Waiting for your date?" one of them said as they passed, punching Derek on the shoulder in what struck him as a very locker-room sort of way.

"Yeah, you're mom's just finishing up her makeup." Derek surprised even himself with this witty retort, most likely dredged up from his subconscious list of snappy comebacks suitable for lewd macho-banter. But the boy who he had said it too quite suddenly took on a pale, sick look and stalked off without another word. Derek glanced at the other boy confusedly.

"His mother is dead, you asshole." He walked off after his friend, leaving Derek with his mouth open and a particular word on the tip of his tongue.

Fuck.

"What?" Alexis reappeared beside him and noted his stunned expression.

"Nothing." He shook his head suddenly tempted to burst into laughter. The extreme awkwardness of the exchange that had just transpired made this one seem much less grave and threatening. He looked at Alexis with a genuine smile.

"Okay, who the hell are you and what have you done with Derek?" Alexis furrowed his brows, smiling as though he was playing a game with no knowledge of the rules.

Derek stared back at him, picking up little details that he could only be caught under close examination. He had obviously splashed water on his face. His eyelashes were matted with water and the damp still clung to his face in the creases of his eyes, at his temples, and most distinctly in the hollow of his cupid's bow. The bottom hem of his shirt was damp and Derek somehow knew that he had lifted up his shirt to dry his face, like a little boy. How desperately endearing. He had also attempted to tame his hair with the water, slicking it straight back from his face. The ends were already beginning to rebel and curl.

"You know what you look like with your hair like that?"

"What?" Alexis had obviously decided to go along with Derek's leaps of logic, but his face was still amusedly suspicious as they began to walk back towards his room.

"You know that movie with the teenagers, the fifties greaser-boys in leather jackets and stuff?" The incoherency of this explanation obviously did not strike any bells for Alexis.

"Uh, okay.." Derek suddenly had second thoughts about bringing it up at all, but he soldiered on, too proud to give up. "..there's singing and stuff." And against his better judgement, he began, dreadfully out of tune. "Summer lovin', had me a blast. Summer lovin', happened so fast. Met a girl, crazy for me.."

"Met a boy, cute as can be." Alexis finished the song for him, decidedly more on pitch. He snorted with laughter. "How fitting."

Derek blushed, suddenly very conscious of himself, and dreadfully tense again. "You just look like one of them. Whatever." He said quietly, stumbling over the words.

"Not John Travolta, right? He's all fat and washed up. I don't want to think that I have that to look forward to." Alexis was obviously trying to lighten the mood, rambling in an offhand way as he kicked the shoe out of the way and opened his door. But Derek just looked at the floor for lack of anywhere else to look, only halfway in the door, concentrating on the blood pounding in his temples.

"Jesus!" Alexis suddenly whirled around to face him. "I don't know what the fuck is wrong with you. One minute you love me and the next you can't stand the sight of me." He blinked and blinked and blew a puff of air at the damp curls which had fallen onto his forehead. "Are you going to come in and talk or what?"

Derek started suddenly, remembering his panic about roommates. In his absorption he hadn't looked around at all. He took in the whole room in one glance. One bed looked lived in, with a tangle of sheets and blanket. The other was a bare mattress, haphazardly piled with books and clothes, in keeping with the state of the rest of the room.

"You don't have a roommate?"

"No."

"Why?"

"Fuck, is this you you came here? To ask about my sleeping arrangements?" Alexis tugged his sweatshirt over his head and dropped it onto the floor. He sat cross-legged on his bed, kicking the sheet and blanket onto the floor with his bare feet, to join his shirt.

"No, it was just a quen." n." Derek suddenly felt very foolish standing half-in half-out the door, so he carefully shut it, and walked stiffly to the unused bed, successfully clearing himself a space without starting an avalanche. He on ton the edge, back straight and stiff. Alexis watched his every move without another word. "I wanted to talk about what happened."

"You mean that blowjob in the bathroom?" Alexis really had no tact to speak of.

"Yeah, that." Derek managed to keep his gaze steady, and was surprised by the strength he found in the anger that rose in him at the flippancy of the comment. "I was wondering what the fuck the deal with that was. Just wondering, you know."

Alexis seemed to be taken aback by the sudden hostility, and he shrugged, dropping his eyes. "I don't know, it just happened." He made a sudden darting reach for the table at the end of the bed, , fishing up a bag of candy. Skittles, in a rustling, red package. "It was a spur of the moment thing."

"Oh, and how many times has it 'just happened' before?" Derek hissed this at him, genuinely angry all at once.

"Oh, jealous, are we?" Alexis' temper flared to meet Derek. "Well, I could give you an estimate, just a general idea, but I wouldn't want to hurt your bloody huge ego," he hissed right back, stunning Derek into silence.

Alexis concentrated ferociously on his candy, slitting the bag up three sides. He smoothed it flat and began to sort methodically into piles by colour. Derek stood up uneasily, his mind running in dark, cloudy circles.

"Never." He was almost to the door when Alexis said this, quietly.

"What?"

"Never. It's never happened before." Alexis was still sorting, in a way which seemed almost obsessive-compulsive to Derek, but was probably just an elaborate ruse to avoid eye contact. "You're the first one since I came here."

Derek hesitated.

"Yeah." Alexis looked up, almost comical in his sheepishness. "I'm sorry, I was just screwing with you. Don't leave. Come have some candy. We'll talk."

"Twist my arm." Derek sat down facing him on the bed stiffly, trying not to jiggle the meticulously sorted candy. He caught Alexis looking strangely at him, a half-grin on his face. "What?"

"You have fallen into my trap." The grin spread into a full-fledged smile. "My diabolical plan to lure you into my bed. With candy."

"How very Hansel-and-Gretel."

They sat for a minute in silence, content to eat candy and find creative ways to avoid eye contact. But Derek finally spoke up.

"Were you telling the truth?" He stared down at his crossed legs, picking at the pleat in his pants. "Earlier, I mean. When you said that I was the first guy here that you did anything with?"

"Yes" Alexis ced ced up for a split second, a piercing glare in his eyes. "I don't just mess around with every cute guy I see. I'm not a slut."

"I wasn't saying that. I just .. don't know you very well at all. I don't know anything about you except.."

"That I like to be on my knees, right? Yeah."

"No.." Derek struggled to find something to say to break the painful, caustic silence. He watched Alexis eat, a pattern emerging. Yellow-purple-red-green. Back to yellow, skipping orange entirely. "You don't like the orange ones?"

"Nope."

"Why?"

"Uh.." Alexis looked up quizzically at him. "Because.. they taste bad? I dunno. Is this why you came here, to make small talk?"

"No, no. I meant why me? Why me out of everyone here?"

"Oh." Realization crept into his face. "Okay, now we're on the same wavelength." He stared off into space for a moment that stretched past Derek's patience.

"So.." he urged.

"Give me a minute, I'm thinking." Alexis did seem to be pondering quite hard.

"Oh."

"Do you want the truth or do you want the kind, non-ego-crushing answer?"

"The first one." Derek said this less decisively than he meant to.

"Honestly, I thought that you needed to be knocked off your high horse."

"Ouch."

"Yeah, I know, but it's the truth." Alexis shrugged. "It may hurt, but it needs to be said." Derek rolled his eyes but made no argument. "You really can be a pompous prick when you want to." Derek smiled wryly at this barb.

"But.. how did you know. I mean, that note you dropped on my desk and all."

Alexis just looked at him, lips pursed and eyes comically wide.

"What?"

"I didn't know!" He began to laugh. "I was just bluffing to freak you out!" He snorted, which only made him laugh harder. Derek didn't know whether to be outraged or to join in the laughter. He decided on the latter.

"But you were dead on, I guess." Derek wiped tears out of the corners of his eyes, trying to catch his hitching breath.
"Yeah." Alexis suddenly sobered up, face shifting in an instant from mirth to grave seriousness. "I was so afraid that you were going to blow me off. Or beat the shit out of me. So scared, but I did it anyway."

Derek was a bit taken aback by the sudden change. Alexis seemed to slip from extreme to extreme so quickly, like a ship caught in opposing winds.

"It's hard, you know. To approach someone, to be with someone that you're not supposed to. When you know that if anyone found out, they'd ostracize you anuldnuldn't try to understand. Or wouldn't want to understand."

Derek opened his mouth but found he had nothing to say. He nodded.

"You don't have to do this if you don't want to." Alexis looked at in in utter seriousness that Derek found stifling. "You can walk away and deny that it ever happened. I won't rat you out."

"No, no." Suddenly Derek felt an overwhelming need to get out of the small room. He felt he couldn't breathe. "I really just need to think about this on my own for awhile." He got up and stood awkwardly. "I'm sorry to just leave, but somehow I just have to right now." Alexis got up to face him, nodding.

Derek left quietly, letting the door latch softly behind him. He stood staring at it, the closed door, for a moment, trying to catch his breath in the dark hallway.


****
Thanks for slogging through this, I apologize for the extreme levels of tedious angsty conversation and the shitty ending. If you have a minute, leave me a review or drop me a message (kohl_boys_rule_all@yahoo.ca, einthintherainxp on AIM, sweetsickboylivelivejournal and MSN, www.angelfire.com/ex/murron/main.html.. Got all that?). Thanks, xo.