To Have And To Hate

Jennis crawled into bed that night with his stomach in nervous knots, next to Timory’s shadowy form, only hinted at by the night light. How strange to think that they both wanted to be here, or at least both considered wanting to be here; stranger still that they had both admitted it. That they had shared a tiny little kiss, no, two; awkwardly smiled at each other and not said anything to play it down.

Parts of him did want to play it down. Parts of him wanted to make some smartass comment even now, wanted to throw up some smoke to hide behind, and he couldn’t; not if he wanted this to work out. So he settled in and kept his mouth shut, because snide remarks were off limits, and nothing had come to replace them yet.

There was silence after Timory turned the light off, the silence of two people lying wordlessly, motionlessly; waiting for something they couldn’t name. Something they hadn’t seen coming, a day ago.

After a while he rolled over, to face the darkness that held his husband, and he couldn’t see the other but knew he couldn’t be too far away in this not-even-queen size bed. Extended a hand, slowly, not knowing where it would land. Found something that turned out to be an arm, an elbow, naked under his fingers, trailed down until he met a hand. Pulled away before he could be rejected. Realized after the fact that Timory had to be facing him as well.

There was no comment, no complaint. Just the soft rustle of the pillow as Timory shifted a little.

So he reached out anew, found that arm again, traveled upwards this time; reached a slim shoulder and stopped there because he didn’t know where to go from here. Found himself drawing tiny circles with his thumb. Maybe that silence was best, for now. They worked well together when they didn’t speak, maybe that was something to build on, and not bring the talking into it until a later point.

Back down. Back to that hand. This time he held on, waited to see what might happen, and it moved slightly. Squeezed his fingers, just briefly.

Jennis leaned in. Reached up. He blindly found Timory’s jawline and cupped a hand around the back of his head, fingers tangled into his hair; leaned forward until he felt soft breath on his face and brushed the other’s mouth. They’d done this before, had kissed, had pulled each other’s clothes off and clutched at the skin underneath; this wasn’t new. But it felt like it was. Felt like Jennis had never been so nervous to kiss someone before, so breathless to be accepted. Wanted to say something, but didn’t know whether that would break the spell.

He held his breath when Timory shifted a little further into his hold. They were suddenly close, touching in different places, and he felt himself stir; ached to reach down and find out if that was mutual. He couldn’t just claim unmet needs anymore, not after all he’d said today; no, he wanted this. Wanted Timory, his hands, his skin, his subtle sounds. His quiet kisses.

His stomach lurched when an arm slipped around him in the darkness and pulled him close, like Timory wanted this as much as he did.

Maybe there wasn’t a spell. Maybe there was nothing to break.

Maybe they would be fine.

They’d be fine.