Passion, Proof, Power
Chapter 19
Passion, Proof, Power
Chapter 19
I need to make the first move, when it comes to Ryan. Maybe he's not the obvious type. Maybe he doesn't even like me that way – he may or may not be gay, and I may or may not be his type of guy. I'm just afraid that if I come out too strong, that he'll be uncomfortable and won't work with us. But after this meeting, I wanted to be more intimate with him.
~
We left the restaurant and he gave me another hug. Yeah, yeah, I know. People hug each other; it's not a sign of being gay, or straight, or bisexual, or whatever. But I didn't want it to end, and once again, I was horny as fuck on my way back home.
I headed for Kevin and Xue's apartment, hoping for a quickie. With Kevin's work though, I had no clue if he even was around. I still had to try. I knocked on their door and waited patiently for one of them to open, but nothing. Ah well. Maybe they're both out
I flew up the stairs and threw my coat on the couch, then ran to my bedroom. I took my pants off, kept my shirt on, and let myself fall on the bed. Damn, it's comfortable. I could picture myself in Ryan's room, on his bed, with him towering over me...
Two sessions in a day, yeah, Ryan does a lot to me.
I grabbed my cellphone, because porn is an awesome thing, along with the lube from the end table, then I settled on the bed. I think I need a dildo. It's not another man, but it does hit the right spot.
I watched as I poured some lube on my hand, and then closed my eyes. I wrapped my fingers around my shaft, and imagined it was Ryan again. His calloused hands over my erection, over my thighs, my stomach, all the way to my shoulders. His five o'clock shadow grated against my skin as he kissed my neck and shoulder blades.
I dragged my hands across my body, pretending they were his. My right hand went back to my hard-on.
"You like when I jerk you off, huh? Naughty boy."
His hand went to my shaft, painfully slow. He went up and down with the same damn slow speed.
"How about when I finger you?"
I imagined his fingers running down my thigh. They settled by my ass and penetrated me. Slowly, at first. His long, calloused fingers worked me from the inside. My back arched as he hit my prostate. I let out a loud moan.
"Ryan..."
My feverish left hand got a hold of my cellphone. I managed to unlock the screen, but I took a while to open my browser. I also took a lot longer to type the first few letters of the website than what it should... and so on, until I found something worth watching.
But... something was missing. Of course, it had to be a human presence. The movie barely helped. Sure the guys were hot, but they weren't exactly whom I was looking for.
I wanted Ryan.
He did leave me his phone number. And I did enter it in my contacts.
I took a few seconds to gather myself. I wasn't going to call it while I was jerking off. No way.
And yet... I needed to hear his voice. Of course I was going to sound like a complete creep if I called him now, but maybe I'd be able to control myself.
Crazy. Dumb. Pervert. Go ahead.
I flipped through the screens and landed on my contacts list. This could have cost so much to the band and to me... but goddamnit, I was tired of being passive. I was now determined to tell Ryan exactly how I felt.
The phone dialed for me, and it rang. Once. Twice. Three times.
"You've reached four-five-zero..." That was his voice, at least. My hand went back to my erection. "Please leave a message and your phone number after the beep. Thank you."
"Hi... it's... Sammi..."
I took a deep breath. I couldn't believe I was doing this.
"Ryan... I need to see you." I chewed my lower lip and closed my eyes. "I keep thinking of you. I'm craving you. I'm craving your hands, your touch... I wanna meet you again... alone. I want you to fuck me and-..."
I stopped mid-sentence. There was no way I just said this.
Fuck. I did.
I hung up.
For a moment, the only sounds in the entire damn apartment were my loud breathing and my heart pounding in my ears. I didn't dare move. I couldn't even blink. So I just laid in bed, shaking like a leaf. I dropped the phone. My eyes watered.
I fucked up. I fucked us up. That's it. He was gonna find this message, call back, tell me I'm a fucking creep and that he'd be cancelling everything.
And all I could do was shake. I couldn't even breathe right anymore. I felt dizzy and nauseous. My hands balled into fists as I tried to calm myself, to focus on something else. Anything else. My knuckles hurt, but I couldn't move them anymore.
Paralyzed.
~
All I remember was suddenly feeling so tired. Naked. Cold. I don't know where I found the strength to curl up, but I did.
Honestly, I couldn't tell you if I slept or not. Or how long I spent in this position.
A guitar solo woke me up, along with a faint buzzing sound. My phone? Yeah, my phone.
I didn't have the guts to answer. I let the song play, hoping this would all magically go away. That the message I left on Ryan's phone would get erased. I held my breath, hoping this would make the noise stop.
And it did. I waited until the screen dimmed and finally went off to slowly pick it up. I unlocked it, and looked at the last call in. No new messages.
Ryan. Oh fuck.
He's calling back.
I jerked and threw the phone a few inches away, only to pick it up again, tentatively. I brought the phone to my ear and waited.
"Hello? Sammi?"
Oh my god. I winced. My entire body was sore as fuck, and I didn't even get to fuck... and considering where this is going, it might never happen again.
"Hello?"
I couldn't utter a word. Not a single one. But I breathed pretty loudly, so I gave myself away.
"Sammi, it's Ryan." His voice wavered a bit as he spoke. "I think we need to talk." He marked a pause, but it didn't last long. "I'm not mad, Sammi. I'm a little worried but definitely not mad."
The line went silent. My heart skipped a beat.
"Sammi?"
"Yes?"
He sighed... in relief? "I thought you were going to hang up. Is there any way we can meet soon? I really think we-"
I hung up again. I was afraid if he saw each other now... that I couldn't help myself. I told myself that this was just a dream, a nightmare, and that soon I'd open my eyes.
The phone rang for the third time. I froze, yet kept my eyes on it, staring at it as if it was the source of all evil.
That's when I saw the name of the caller: Ieva. The only person I honestly cannot afford to avoid.
"Yes?"
"Sammi! I just spoke to Ryan. What have you done?! He's saying you left an explicit message on his voice mail and that his wife heard it?" The volume of her scream garbled her voice.
His wife?! Oh my god. No way.
I'm so dead.
"You damn well knew not to blow this opportunity, Sammi!" At that point, she sounded on the verge of tears. I fucked up. Bad. "You, the whole band and I have worked on this so fucking hard. If Ryan cancels the deal, I can bet your ass that the label is going to cancel the band's contracts."
My head shot left and right. I needed an exit. I needed to fucking run away.
I didn't fucking intend for this shit to happen. I just wanted him to finally know how I felt.
I heard Ieva take a deep breath. "Okay. Ryan's on his way to your apartment." Her voice was still shaky, but she wasn't screaming anymore. "I'm gonna go there too, and maybe we can minimize the damage." And with this, she hung up.
No, no. Just no. There was no way I could escape. The best I could do was hide.
I left the cellphone on my bed and thought about just hiding underneath a pile of blankets. I caught sight of the closet. It's the best place.
Beggars can't be choosers. So I jumped off the bed and darted for the closet.
And I waited.
~
Listen, I knew it was a dumb idea that didn't make a lick of sense to anyone else. For some reason, it did to me.
The doorbell rang once. Twice. I sat on the ground, damn well knowing that they couldn't come inside if I didn't open.
I was wrong.
Hell if I know how, but I heard someone knock on my door.
"Sammi?"
Shit! Ryan. His voice was muffled a bit, but it was definitely him.
"Sammi...?" His voice came in again. "Are you home?"
There were five more rushed raps – I counted them. Then, nothing. I sighed. Maybe he gave up. I buried my face in a blanket and listened. I just wanted him to go away, but that silence only lasted a minute. Maybe two.
"Sammi?"
That wasn't Ryan... The knocking came in more powerful and hurried. For a very, very long minute, I listened. All I could hear was the beating of my own heart. My doorknob rattled...
That's when the footsteps came in.
"Sammi?!"
That was Kevin. His voice was clear now. They were inside my apartment, and I was fucking naked, hiding in my closet like a five-year-old.
The footsteps drew closer and closer.
"I can't find him. He has to be somewhere..." That was Kevin. He was in my bedroom, at the door. He lit up the ceiling light, and I buried my face deeper in my blanket and hope to turn invisible.
Ryan spoke up. "There's another room here. Sammi?" I was so damn scared. If anything, they would soon figure out I'm in the damn closet. And then... who knows?
So of course the doorbell had to ring again. And of course Kevin opened the door from inside, I heard the loud buzz. I brought my knees up to my chin and remained as quiet as possible.
"He's not in this room either... what's going on?"
Kevin made a few steps inside the room, then back out. He turned the lights off as he exited.
A third voice chimed in. Feminine and high-pitched, with a slight Finnish accent. "What's going on? Sammi?"
So Ieva came here to put an end to my life on her own. Great.
I cowered. My upper body shook. I whined, and prayed they wouldn't find me.
"What's going on here?" she insisted. "And who are you?"
"I'm Kevin, a friend of Sammi. I live right downstairs. And you are?"
"I'm his manager. Ieva. So... where is he?"
I couldn't take this anymore. I covered my ears with my hands. If I didn't hear their voices, they couldn't get to me. They'd disappear. I'd deal with them later, if no one killed me. One-on-one. Fair fights.
The closet's door opened.
I didn't lift my head, just my eyes. Kevin stood in front of me for a moment, before he knelt down to my height. "There you are," he spoke in hushed, soft tones. He turned his head to the door, then back to me. His smile was sympathetic, his eyebrows raised just a bit. "Do you have pyjama bottoms or underwear?"
I nodded, but that was all I could manage. My arms hurt. So did my chest and my head. I didn't move until Kevin brought back some pants, and even then, he helped me get up. I nearly crashed in his arms. My legs had gone numb and I didn't even notice.
I leaned onto him to get to bed, then he reached for the door and pushed it closed. He sat beside me and covered my left shoulder with his large hand. Warm. Yet, I couldn't take my eyes off my feet. In my head, hours had passed. Judging from Kevin's face, it couldn't have been more than a minute, maybe two. I slowly reached for the pyjama pants.
Kevin got up and offered his arm. I reluctantly accepted – not used to this sort of treatment – and leaned on his sturdy frame while I struggled with those fucking pants. Once done, he wrapped the same arm around my waist and led me to the bedroom door.
I froze.
"They sounded worried."
They? Which would include Ieva? Well, she did worry about me when my father died so... I ought to give her more credit.
"Come on."
After that, he didn't say anything. He kept his arm around my waist, but didn't force me to go ahead. That, I did on my own.
No more hiding.
I took a deep breath and pushed the bedroom door open. Kevin followed me closely, but removed his arm once we were out. It felt odd - uncomfortable, even. I was now in the spotlight and I was wearing nothing but my pyjama pants. I was sweaty, my hair was a wreck and my damn feet were getting cold.
Ryan and Ieva were on the couch. In a sitcom, I'd have expected them to shout 'intervention!' But this wasn't a sitcom, and there wasn't an ounce of levity to be found between them.
I like being the centre of attention, but not like this. The feeling of their pitying eyes on me made me squirm. I felt naked and vulnerable.
"Sammi..." It was Ieva who broke the heavy silence, but it only lasted a moment. She was at a loss for words. I could feel her discomfort from clear across the room.
I awkwardly sat in my computer chair. I wrapped my arms across my chilled frame. My eyes flitted around the room at anything but them and came to rest on something in the corner.
I hugged my knees to my chest. How do I justify my actions without sounding so damn desperate – even if desperate was the right word? "I don't know... I just did it."
Ieva opened her mouth to say something, but she closed it almost right away.
So I kept going. "I felt like it. I... I needed to know. I wanted him to know how I felt. For once. Instead of wondering over and over..."
All the hugs, the so-called dates my brain insisted on making up, the hesitation... My gut feelings were right. Maybe I need to listen to myself more often, or maybe not. I don't know anymore.
Surprisingly, it was Ryan who spoke up next. "I just acted like I would have with everybody." You'd think that it'd play against me, but nope. He continued, his voice calm and sympathetic. "I didn't think anything of it. I have enough gay friends to know they hate it when you treat them differently. And yeah, sometimes it gets misinterpreted. It happens. Some are more quiet about it, some are more open, and some only learn when they meet my wife and daughter."
Heh, he said it better than I ever will. Then, there's guys like me, who don't even realize until their boss yells at them about it. Hell, if I had known he had a wife, trust me, I wouldn't have done anything about it. I'd have moved on a lot faster.
Ieva looked much calmer. I know she just wanted to vent about the whole thing still, and by the looks of her pinched lips, I was right. She sounded definitely less angry though. "Still, Sammi... you really need to think it through before you do such a thing."
Did she ever try doing anything while she's horny?
Wait... I'm not sure I wanna know.
I winced at the mental images creeping up in my head, before I resumed my little fuck-up of a story. "Look, it's not like I planned to do it, I wanted to see Kevin-..."
Second fuck-up of the night. I watched as Ieva's stern eyes glared right back at me, while Ryan looked genuinely amused, if not interested.
My shoulders dropped and my arms fell limp to my sides. I was in for it now. "Okay, okay. God. Kevin's my fuck buddy. Nothing wrong with getting some every now and then, right?" When I got no replies, I hammered my point in. "I'm a fucking rock star! It's my job to sleep around and-"
"Sammi, you're gay-"
"I don't wanna fucking hear it!" I yelled, exasperated. My hands balled into fists and I shot up from my chair. "Oh sure it's fine for the straight guy, but the gay one does it and he's a fucking manwhore."
Ieva recoiled. Her eyes widened and she closed her mouth shut. I scared her... Good. I sat back down and muttered a "sorry," more out of habit than actual regret.
Ryan looked around and gently put a hand on Ieva's shoulder. He gave her a soft smile. "Ieva, I know you have his best interests in mind. You do care about him, I can see it, and I think he knows. But he's an adult. In a band or not... he has the right to his private life. I don't think you need to worry about this part of it." He paused and shifted positions. "I came here because I wanted to talk to him before he got hurt. I had no intention of backing out of that project or anything. Others might have-"
She opened her mouth again, probably to say 'See? I told you!', but he continued his spiel.
"-But I'm not that kind of guy. Sammi's fine. He's lonely and he saw all of this as more than something professional. I'm not mad at him. I kinda feel responsible because I should have told him I was married."
She sighed. I'm not sure she believed me... but she looked like she believed him. She didn't get mad at him though, oh no.
"I think we should go," he added. "I'm pretty sure we all could use some rest."
Ieva sighed again as she got up. "He's right. Sammi... I'll call you later on."
This was the first time I've ever seen her so... tired. I expected her to be madder than she was; or maybe she was so mad she didn't know how to express it. She left quietly, followed by Ryan.
Before he left the apartment, he turned to me. "I'll call you in a few days."
I nodded and smiled back to him. "Alright. Thank you, Ryan."
"You take care now, huh?" he added with a sheepish smile.
And again, I nodded. I watched as he closed the door, then turned back to Kevin. "Sorry I dragged you into this. I didn't really think it'd end up like this."
He wrapped his arm around my shoulders in a friendly hug. "All things considered, you're taking this pretty well."
I didn't believe it myself, honestly. I've fawned over Ryan for a while now... and strangely, I was at ease with not having him as a boyfriend. Maybe it's because I still have him as a friend of some sort, and that I still get to work with him.
I couldn't wait for my date with Logan. At least, this one was going to be a real date. "You see, there's this other guy I met..."