Big Poppa

19.



The rest of the group stared up at Poppa, too stunned to be polite. Even Elizabeth seemed impressed, but Delwyn knew that wouldn’t last very long.



“Poppa, these are my friends. Joseph, Barney and Elizabeth. This is Big Poppa, guys… He’s my… We’re…” Delwyn cleared his throat, and tried again. “We’re colleagues, and he’s my lover. I’m in love with him. We’re lovers,” he added for good measures.



Jean slapped his shoulder. “They get the point now, Del. Calm down. Have a seat, there’s plenty of space. Uhm… At least I thought so.”



Poppa smiled at him, and spread out another blanket. “Now there is, Jean. Don’t worry about it.”



Delwyn had to put down the tray, as he was trembling too much. The silence was getting on his nerves. Taking a seat between Poppa and Jean, he glanced nervously at the others, trying to determine what they were thinking. “Speak, guys,” he eventually begged. “I’m having a nervous breakdown here…”



“You’re gay?!” Finally, a reaction. It was Elizabeth who cried out. “All this time I’ve been trying to get your attention, and it turns out you’re a faggot? You’re with him? Fuck!” Before anyone could stop her, she jumped up and ran over the pier, away from the group but not too far, of course. She would still be able to hear them.



“Well, that was a bit dramatic,” shrugged Jean. “But expectable.”



Barney and Joseph exchanged glances. “Wow,” said Barney. “You have fooled me, Del. You were the last person in the world I expected to be queer.”



“Could we please refrain from different expressions,” said Jean sternly. “Just ‘gay’ is clear enough. No use in getting insulting. You know I’m gay too.”



“Of course you are,” said Barney. “You’ve always been gay. But Delwyn? Did you ever notice anything?”



“I knew, yes.” Jean patted his friend’s hand, sitting comforting at his side. “Most gays know about each other, unquestionably. And you only knew about me because I told it from the start. Come on, I don’t behave differently, do I?”



“Yes, you do! Del is the manliest man I ever saw! How did you manage, Del? All the gays I ever saw have something about them that is a giveaway!”



“It takes a lot of effort to be a man,” grumbled Delwyn. “You have no idea how much it takes not to raise any suspicions, ever, without having a girlfriend to make it obvious.” It would’ve been a lot easier if he’d just gone into Beth’s advances. But keeping girls at a distance without telling why was hard work, and keeping up appearances to the rest even more. He hadn’t been just neutral or asexual. He’d been sexy without being approachable.

Quite a relief to drop his mask, actually…



The attention turned to Poppa. The big bear was peacefully drinking coffee and eating his breakfast, without interfering. Noticing they were watching him now, he looked up. “What?” he asked. “Am I a fag too? Obviously gay? A fairy?”



Mouths opening and closing a few times, the two tried to find the right words. Jean beat them to it. “Oh, you’re just a bear,” he said, feigning mockery with a dainty movement of his hand. “Don’t even start, girlfriend.”



Delwyn almost choked on a sip of hot coffee, when he saw Poppa’s stunned expression. “He’s joking,” he said quickly. “I promise. Well guys, now you know. I’m still Delwyn, though… It’s just that you know a bit more about me now. It shouldn’t change anything.”



“But it does! You’re not the Del I respected and admired!” Joseph jumped up, trembling a bit. “I looked up to you! And now… now you turn out to be gay! It’s unfair!”



“Jo!” Delwyn wanted to follow him, but Jean pulled him back on the blanket.



“Leave him alone, for a moment. You have to understand it’s always a shocker, to find out you don’t truly know someone when you’re supposed to be friends.”



“I ruined everything now, didn’t I?” Delwyn felt terrible. His shoulders sagged and he bowed his head. “I shouldn’t have told it…”



“You should’ve told it earlier,” corrected Poppa, beating Barney who’d just opened his mouth to say the same. “It’ll be okay, once they’re used to it, but you’ve disappointed them.”



“They’ll come back,” said Barney. Joseph had joined Beth on the pier, sitting with their backs towards the others and looking out over the water. “You can apologize later.”



“Apologize?” Poppa wiped his hands. “For what? For loving a man?”



“No!” Barney backed away a bit, raising his hands. “For lying to us…”



“I never lied to you, as such,” protested Delwyn. “I simply stayed away from the truth. Really, I never told a lie, did I? You never asked me if I liked women… You simply drew the wrong conclusions yourself.”



“Uh…” Barney had to give it some thought. “Yes… I guess so…”



“That’s not how those two see it,” said Jean, looking at the pier. “I think now is the time to go to them, and tell them you’re sorry. Not about what, just tell them you’re sorry and they will fill in the blanks. They always do.”



“I know. That’s how it was possible to keep up my charade all this time.” Delwyn hadn’t eaten anything yet, but had lost all appetite. He stood up, pulled the shirt down modestly, and walked over the pier.



The two had been talking, but were quiet at his approach. They didn’t look back, carefully ignoring him, staring over the water. Delwyn repressed the urge to just push them into the lake.



“Guys… Jo, Beth, I’m sorry.” It was easier to say it than he’d expected.



“So you should be,” mumbled Beth. “Leading me on for years. I don’t know what you were thinking, Del, but it’s been totally unfair.”



Whatever. Delwyn didn’t argue; he wasn’t in the mood to defend himself. He looked at Joseph, who was still quietly staring. “You too, Jo… I’m very sorry.”



“You’re gay!” Joseph turned around, staring up with red, swollen eyes. Delwyn was shocked to see he’d been crying, while Beth was so obviously angry. “All this time, I thought I would be alright, that I could be normal as long as I followed your steps, and now it appears you like men like Poppa! My life is ruined!”



“Jo…”Delwyn shook his head, trying to understand it. “What the hell are you talking about?”



“This!” Joseph stood up, pointing at the shore with a trembling finger. “Big Poppa! He’s a bear, just like Barney, and you love him. You love him, Del, which means I can no longer deny my own feelings!”



“Uh… Are you sure you want to yell it like that?” Oh nice, he thought. Another confession. At least it would take away the attention from him. “You mean you’re in love… with Barney?”



Joseph shut his mouth, taking a step back. “I wasn’t… I wouldn’t… I’m…”



Elizabeth groaned, and fell flat on her back. “My three male friends!” she cried out to the sky. “All my friends are fucking gay! Argh!”



“Isn’t life unfair,” smirked Delwyn. He reached out a hand to Joseph. “Come… Let’s go to the others. I believe you have something to explain, just like me.”



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