Institutionalized

Important A/N:: First off, sorry for the long wait. I’ve been conflicted about this story, but I’ll explain that at the end of the chapter. For now, I just wanted to say that this chapter is a major turning point in the story (I hope). This is about the middle of my story, and a lot happens in this chapter. Also, Salem’s thoughts about Kieran in this chapter probably seem nonsensical and random. I wrote it like that on purpose to show how conflicted he’s feeling.

Also, frkshw your last review was dead on! And Lisa although that's not my story, it sounds awesome, lol! Let me know what it's called if you find it ;) I'm glad you like my story so much and I loved the review, thx! And bringing up how the name Lucius reminds you of Harry Potter is so funny, as I was just thinking that the other day. I probably should have clarified at the beginning but it was meant to be pronounced lou-shh-us...lol, if that makes sense! In one chapter it says how his name, Lucius Vicious, rhymes but I never really explained it.

And thanks to everyone else who's reviewed, and to everyone who's read my story! Sorry for the long A/N('s)!


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The following morning I woke up late with the sun shinning in my face through the small window. As I sat up my head gave a spin but I just shook it off and rolled out of bed. I disregarded Lucius, who was sitting at the table watching me while eating his breakfast, and stumbled into the washroom. I relieved myself and washed my hands before leaning against the sink to steady myself. I felt shaky and jittery which wasn’t surprising considering the coke I’d snorted…and the E...All of a sudden the day before started coming back to me.

I let out a groan as I remembered how pathetic I acted about Kieran’s letter. I can’t believe I was actually starting to doubt my own feelings because I was jealous of Kieran’s girlfriend. I left the washroom but my mind continued to race as I tried to decipher which feelings were real, and which were just delusions brought on by the loneliness I felt at being replaced.

I slid into the chair opposite Lucius and inspected him for a moment. He wouldn’t look at me. He looked tired and awkward and...like he wished he could still hide behind his hair. I brought my hand to my head and felt at my freshly cut hair while observing Lucius and wishing I hadn’t let him talk me into cutting his hair too. The whole experience now seemed very far away, and I was having trouble coming to terms with what had really happened between us yesterday.

I couldn’t really blame him for being withdrawn considering how manic I’d been acting the night before. Now I felt so stupid for actually crying over Kieran and it was so embarrassing to even think about it that I suddenly found I couldn’t look at him anymore. It was weird and confusing considering he actually seemed to be flirting with me yesterday. Then again, maybe he was too naïve to realize what he was insinuating.

I turned to my plate and frowned at the soggy toast and watery scrambled eggs. I stuffed a piece of toast down my throat and washed it down with orange juice. I grabbed my coffee and pushed my plate away before standing and making my way back to my bed. I drank my coffee silently while trying to ignore Lucius. He was distracting, however, as he moved around the room.

I pulled my MP3 player out of the nightstand and slipped the headphones over my ears. I searched through all the songs and albums and couldn’t really find anything that suited how I was feeling. I set a play list of Tool songs to play and turned the volume up, blocking out any background noise. I grabbed a notepad and pen and started drawing, effectively shutting out everything around me.

A while later a nurse came to collect the breakfast dishes. After she left Lucius set down the book he’d been reading and I could sense him watching me from my peripheral vision. There was tension in the air and I didn’t really know what to make of it. Either way, neither of us said anything. The only noise in the room was probably the music blasting out of the headphones I was wearing. A while later I could sense that Lucius attention had shifted towards the door. When I looked up I was surprised to see Seth standing there with a lost look on his face. I slid the headphones from my ears until they rested around my neck and clicked the pause button on. The room went quiet.

“Seth?” Lucius asked, obviously noticing his friend creeping around the doorway.

“What are you listening to?” Seth asked me, a crease appearing in his forehead.

“Tool...you want to listen?” I asked, examining him. I didn’t know this kid very well but he was Lucius friend and I’d been around him enough the last 7 weeks to notice that something wasn’t right. I stood up and approached him a moment later when he didn’t reply. “Hey, are you alright? You look like you’ve seen a...” before I could finish the thought he’d reached out for the headphones. I let him remove them somewhat roughly from around my head and watched confused as he slipped them over his own ears. I pressed play and the muted music filled the room once again. Seth seemed to space out as he listened to the song. I exchanged a look with Lucius for the first time that morning. He gave me a slight shrug and shook his head.

As I turned back to look at Seth I barely had time to register his eyes rolling slightly before he started to fall backwards. I reacted just quick enough to keep his head from smacking off the floor, but the rest of his body hit with a thud. He went totally limp and the whites of his eyes were showing. Not knowing what to do I removed the headphones and turned to Lucius panicking.

“Jesus fuck! Go get Jackie or someone!” I yelled. Lucius looked shocked and only stood there for a moment. “Go!” I prompted before he dashed out of the room.

“Seth?” I asked, patting at his cheek. I grabbed a shirt off the floor sliding it under his head. I’d never seen someone faint before, I mean I’ve seen people get knocked out and overdoses but someone just dropping out of nowhere was something I wasn’t prepared for. I patted his cheek some more and when I got no reaction I slapped him sharply across the face. I looked guiltily at the door – hoping no one had seen me.

Suddenly he sucked in a sharp breath before blinking rapidly. As he opened his eyes he was trying to sit up but I held him down with a hand on his chest. His eyes met mine and I could see that something in him had shifted.

“I don’t know if you should move,” I said worriedly.

“Salem?” He asked looking at me confused.

“Yeah, are you okay?” I could hear footsteps quickly approaching.

“I-I-I remember,” he said, his voice wavering slightly. It wasn’t so much the words he’d said but the way in which he’d said it that had my eyes widening in surprise.

“You mean...”

“Oh Seth, you’re okay! Don’t sit up too quickly,” Jackie advised, looking visibly relieved, as she rushed into the room followed closely by Lucius and several others who were crowded by the door. Jackie looked us both over. Seth looked as if rather than fainting moments ago, he’d just won a fucking Oscar; I was white as a sheet however and probably wore an expression of total shock. “What is it?” she asked concerned. She kneeled on the ground opposite me and helped Seth sit up. She checked his eyes and felt his head.

“I want to go home,” Seth exclaimed suddenly. His voice seemed loud in the small room.

“What?” she asked confused.

“I-that song...the music snapped me out of it. Me and my brother saw Tool in the spring about a month before,” he paused and we all looked on in wonder, “my accident. He was there when I had my accident. I remember everything,” he said softly staring into Jackie’s eyes with a look of pure conviction. The room fell silent as everyone exchanged perplexed looks. Several of the people crowded around the door took off presumably to spread the news. The silence seemed to stretch until another nurse appeared in the doorway, having to calm the pack of people who’d congregated outside of the door.

“Have Dr. Taylor paged immediately!” Jackie barked at the other nurse who quickly took off back down the hallway.

“I’m okay. Can I stand up?” Seth asked, sounding bewildered.


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After Jackie had taken Seth out of the room and the pandemonium had died down; Lucius and I were left alone again.

“I can’t believe that just happened. You snapped him out of it,” Lucius said in awe, finally breaking the silence between us which had lasted since the night before.

“I wouldn’t really say that, it was just a coincidence,” I said shrugging it off. I mean, sure, it’s remarkable that he can suddenly remember but it’s not like I ‘healed’ him or something. Either way, Seth never belonged here. If he’d been with his family all this time something else would have triggered it months ago. Also, the fact that I’d chosen that band to listen to was purely a fluke and I couldn’t see it as any more than such.

“Still...it’s unbelievable,” he responded with a far-away look on his face. I glanced at him briefly while wondering why he was so talkative all of a sudden.

I didn’t say anything to him as I turned away and hid myself in the washroom. I showered in the cold water, no longer noticing the frigid temperature. I was both thinking of and trying not to think of, Kieran. I was afraid that I was deluded in the way in which I viewed our relationship. I never thought about him romantically. We weren’t a couple; so why had I reacted so badly yesterday? I was so devastated that my heart had actually hurt. Did I truly have feelings for him that had matched his own? It was difficult to conceive it considering now I felt anything but heartbroken. I felt more jilted than anything; like I was suddenly the third wheel in a situation that was out of my control. I was jealous, absolutely, but I was also resentful that he’d replaced me. His reliance on me was the only thing that I thought I had over him. Now I felt unneeded, and without purpose. If he really was so in love with me, why is it so easy for him to move on? That’s what bothered me the most. And minutes after someone has just recovered from amnesia, why is it that Kieran is the only person I can think about?

I sat down in the tub and absently shut the water off. I manoeuvred so that I could lie down and curl up in the cold bathtub. I closed my eyes tightly as I tried to ignore my discomfort. I let out a shaky breath and tried to clear my head.

I jumped, knocking my elbow and knees off the side of the tub. I sat up slowly but jumped again when there was a loud banging at the door. I slowly stood up and stiffly got out of the tub. I figured I must have fallen asleep because I was completely dry and covered in goose bumps. I absently wrapped a towel around myself before jerking the door open; surprised to see Jackie on the other side.

“What were you doing? I’ve been knocking for five minutes!” Jackie scolded before looking me up and down. “You look terrible – is everything okay?” she asked, her voice softening with concern. I looked over her head at Lucius but he refused to look at me.

“Uh...yeah. I’m great,” I tried to make it sound convincing but failed. She eyed me suspiciously but seemed to let it go.

“Get dressed then, I need to talk to you in my office in ten minutes,” she said it curtly and started back towards the door before she stopped and turned back to me, “and Salem, stop drawing on the walls. I mean it,” she added, gesturing at the walls before leaving the room.

I retreated back into the washroom and slowly got dressed. After, I stood staring at my reflection for a few minutes. It really was hard to recognize myself. The bruising from my fight with Kieran was fading considerably but still looked stark in contrast to how pale I was. Even my eyes looked dull; no longer a vibrant green but more of a murky grey. I rubbed at my chin which was quickly starting to resemble a full beard and I couldn’t even remember the last time I’d shaved. It was more than a week ago, at least. Even my newly cropped hair looked tired and dishevelled. And in the light of day I noticed that it was completely uneven and sticking out at odd angles. I tried to fix it with some water but it was useless.

I went back into the room but stood just outside of the door still deep in thought. After several moments Lucius turned and looked at me. We stared at each other uneasily before I finally turned away. “So…what do you think she wants?” I asked conversationally as I dug around in my dresser and pulled out a sweater and pulled it on, zipping it up as I turned back around to face Lucius. He still hadn’t responded and I was starting to think he hadn’t heard me at all.

“Maybe it has something to do with Seth,” he said at last, looking thoughtful. “She’s probably waiting for you.”

“Right,” I muttered before turning towards the door. “See you later,” I added as I headed through the door. I hovered just inside the door for a moment before turning back to Lucius. “About yesterday...I feel stupid for acting the way I did regarding the letter...and picture. I don’t want you to think I’m lovesick for him because I’m not. I was just...feeling confused.” I stopped talking, realizing that I didn’t really know what I was trying to say. Lucius simply looked at me though, and when he made no move to respond I turned to leave again.

“Salem wait,” he said from behind me, causing me to pause and turn back towards him. He was now standing near the foot of his bed and was fidgeting slightly. “Uh...” He hesitated, “I’m not sure what to say right now but...are you really okay?” he sounded completely genuine when he asked but somehow his concern annoyed me more than comforted me. I didn’t want him to think I was soft and in need of sympathy. Again a surge of embarrassment shot through me at the remembrance of the day before.

“I’m terrific,” I replied somewhat sarcastically before turning and walking out of the room; but not before catching the wounded look on his face. A pang of guilt shot through me at that but I ignored the urge to turn around and actually apologize.

I was halfway down the hallway before I heard my name being called again. I stopped and waited for Mona Lisa to catch up to me. “Hey, where you going?” she asked, being generally nosy as usual, once she’d caught up to me.

“I have to meet Jackie,” I explained vaguely.

“Oh...” She looked disappointed, “I was going to ask if you wanted to hang out with us; we haven’t talked in a while.” I wanted to say no but-

“I will. After,” I agreed and she gave me a cheeky grin in return before I turned and headed back down the hallway.


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“So...” I said after what I felt like was a considerable wait. Besides letting me into her office and asking me to sit down, she hadn’t said a word for the past five minutes as she shuffled papers around her desk.

“I’m sorry,” she said, “just so unorganized,” adding the last bit under her breath while she finally stopped shuffling and turned her attention to me. “I wanted to talk to you about a number of things,” she paused again and rummaged until she found a paper folder and added it to one of the other indiscernible piles. “First off, Dr. Savage would like to know if you still want to meet with Kieran next week,” she looked up from her papers and awaited my response.

“Yeah,” I replied easily but internally I wasn’t without conflict. The thought of seeing him again so soon was a terrible idea to me. I was afraid of what or how he might make me feel; I didn’t know if I could handle it. Either way, if it had of been a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ question, I would have said yes so there was no point in prolonging the inevitable with thoughts of doubt.

“I’ll let him know,” she responded, oblivious to the rising tension I was feeling, “and it goes without saying that you’ll be appropriately punished if you exhibit any violent behaviour,” I nodded absently, letting her continue. “Now, you’re also probably wondering about how Seth is doing,” she trailed off and I nodded again only this time much more excitedly, “It seems as though he remembers everything. He’s being evaluated by his doctor but it appears as if he no longer has any gaps in his memory and he will likely be released tomorrow morning upon his family’s arrival.”

“That’s awesome,” I replied sincerely, smiling genuinely for the first time since yesterday.

“That was the good news; now I don’t necessarily have bad news but I do have to ask you to do me a very big favour,” I didn’t respond - instead I regarded her with curious apprehension. “Dr. Savage has received a new patient who will be joining M9.” She stopped and looked at me expectantly but I could only stare back at her, confused.

“What does that have to do with me?”

“This patient, his names Jesse, is having a very difficult time accepting his new life here and Dr. Savage thinks that Jesse would have an easier time if he had someone who he could relate to. That’s you,” she stopped talking and looked at me pointedly.

“Are you fucking kidding?” I spit out, still not sure of what she was asking yet already not liking where this was going.

“Dr. Savage also thinks that this will act as an exposure of sorts in order to help you become more empathetic towards others which is a crucial aspect in your recovery. We both believe that this is a good therapeutic opportunity for you.” She looked self satisfied when she said it which bothered me more.

“What do I have to do?” I asked reluctantly, giving in easier than I thought possible. Even Jackie looked surprised that I didn’t put up a fight.

“Well, it’s simple really. We, Dr. Savage and I, would like you to meet us at the main entrance to the ward tonight at 11:15 pm. After introductions are made it is up to you to show Jesse to his room and to calm him down before you leave, at which time you are to go to bed,” she explained. I assumed they wanted to meet past 11, which was lights out, for a reason. They brought me in at night too, come to think of it.

“Okay, sounds easy enough,” I ground out, silently acknowledging how inconvenient and awkward this was for me.

“Great!” she replied, totally disregarding the doubt in my voice. “Now I trust that you won’t fall asleep on me and that you will be welcoming and informative to our new patient.”

“Whatever you say,” I muttered in compliance. She gave me a sympathetic look.

“I really appreciate you doing this Salem, and I think it will benefit you in the long run. I’m glad you didn’t put up a fight but there is one more thing, the real bad news I suppose, that we need to talk about,” she gave me a serious look before opening a drawer and removing a small cup that had my name written across the side in black ink. She set the container of pills in front of me and I stared at her absolutely flabbergasted.

I looked into the cup and examined the three pills, a blue and white caplet a small white tablet and a brown oval shaped something.

“Why are you giving me Prozac?” I demanded, surprised more than anything. “And what’s that?” I added pointing to the other pills.

“They’re just vitamins,” she explained. “Dr. Savage prescribed the Prozac. He thinks that it’s a starting point.”

“A starting point for what?” I asked sceptically, trying to shake off the feelings of disbelief.

“For your treatment, your recovery,” she said it slowly and in such a way that it seemed as though she thought it was obvious that I needed medication but that I can’t see it that way. Wait, what was I thinking?

“I’ve been here for almost two fucking months and I’m only now starting treatment?”

“Not at all; I only meant that this is the beginning of drug therapy for you. You’ve reacted well to cognitive treatments and we feel that this will further your chances of success,” she explained calmly giving me a patronizing look. I felt cheated somehow and thought it was ironic that she’d mention cognitive therapy in relation to my appointments with Don. Nothing he had done up to this point had come across as being any specific form of therapy. Nothing either of them had done lately seemed very professional at all in regards to psychological rehabilitation.

Although I was feeling a spectrum of emotions I managed to keep my mouth shut and just nodded at her numbly. She looked like she was scrutinizing my lack of retort before brushing back her dirty-blonde hair and the look vanished. I reached forward on some sort of will that didn’t seem to belong to me and plucked up the paper cup and tossed the pills into my mouth before dry-swallowing them.

“Thank you,” she seemed apprehensive but looked pleased with herself regardless of my sudden capitulation.

“Can I go now?” I replied in a bored voice that had a slight pleading quality to it which was completely unintentional and made me cringe slightly.

“Of course, Salem, I’ll see you tonight – don’t be late,” she said, effectively dismissing me. I didn’t waste any time getting out of her office, if anything just to get away from the concerned expression she had turned on me.


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Halfway back down the hallway, I paused outside of Mona Lisa and Lexus’ room. I had nearly walked by it, so distracted by my meeting with Jackie that I’d hardly remembered myself agreeing to stop and talk with them. I hesitated for a moment outside of the closed door. To be honest I didn’t feel like talking to anybody right now but I also had no excuse not to. I took a deep breath, letting a neutral expression settle over my face as I battled my natural desire to flee from any uncomfortable situation.

I grabbed the door handle and swung open the door without warning before I had a chance to waver any longer. I was inside the room with the door shut behind me long before my confidence in the situation had returned. Both girls had abruptly looked up at me as I entered the room. They looked startled but otherwise unsurprised by my sudden entrance. Lexus gave me a short once over before turning away with a haughty look. Both girls were sitting cross-legged on Mona Lisa’s bed with a large book between them. Lexus hand was rested on the flat surface as Mona Lisa leaned over her hand as she carefully applied nail polish to Lexus’ fingers. She looked up at me with a smile that seemed to warm the room and overwhelm the feelings of scathing tension directed at me by Lexus.

“Bonjour!” she exclaimed, “Come, sit,” she invited simply. I moved across the room and settled down across from the girls on Lexus’ bed. I mimicked their actions by crossing my legs. “So,” Mona Lisa began, looking away from me and continuing to concentrate on painting the other girls nails. “Why have you been avoiding us?” she asked it slowly, briefly glancing over at me.

“I was under the impression that you were both mad at me. Clearly you’re still bent out of shape Lexus, but I didn’t intend to offend you, and I just assumed Mona Lisa was taking your side on this,” I said it to Lexus but she wouldn’t look at me so I turned my attention to Mona Lisa, “you seemed like you were avoiding me too, so..." I trailed off, not knowing what to say. I didn’t exactly have a way with women, per say. I never really knew what to say or what they wanted to hear and I always seem to rub them the wrong way. Metaphorically speaking, that is.

“I was a bit mad, I admit, but I rather make amends because I feel like you make a more interesting friend than acquaintance,” she replied casually; however anything she said sounded sophisticated and poised due to her accent. I thought about what she said but it only brought about more confusion. What did she really mean by saying that and how should I respond?

“And about Lexus?” I asked feeling like it was my responsibility to address the awkwardness between us.

“She’s mad that you poked fun at her body. We both are, but I don’t think you meant to hurt her so I’d rather we get over it. Forgive and forget,” Mona Lisa once again smiled at me but it was more guarded this time as if she was worried that I might only make the situation worse. I was worried about the same thing.

“I wasn’t making fun of you. I mean, I didn’t intend to. I really meant to say that...you’re crazy to think that you don’t look good. The fact that you actually think that you’re fat or unattractive doesn’t make sense to me,” I said it carefully, hoping I wasn’t heading in the wrong direction with this.

“Then why didn’t you say that instead?” Lexus snapped at me, finally turning to level a glare in my direction. I caught her eyes for a brief moment and felt some form of remorse for the hurt that I saw there. “You basically made me feel like an idiot in front of everyone. If you had an eating disorder you’d know that being fat isn’t just about how you appear to others, it’s a state of mind! If I didn’t feel like a fat worthless loser I wouldn’t be here!” when she finished her outbreak she looked on the verge of tears but it was hard to tell as she abruptly turned away from me and hid her expression.

“I didn’t want to make you feel that way; it’s just hard for me to sympathize with other people. I don’t really know how to differentiate between harmless commentaries or harsh criticism. That’s...kind of why I’m here,” I said it but even to myself it seemed like I was making excuses but the truth was that I really didn’t know how to appropriately interact with people without offending them. It funny though, how not even a week ago I’d been convinced that I was only in this situation directly because of Kieran. At least now I could come to terms with the fact that I have other issues besides Kieran although it seemed they were all related to him in some way. It’s like I suddenly realized that it’s not all him; we’re both screwed in the head. The girls looked at me but I couldn’t tell what they were thinking.

“That seems surprising, I’d figure you were here for more obvious reasons,” Lexus said it in such a way that I could have construed it as an insult but I didn’t bother overanalyzing it. “I think you at least owe us an explanation of why you’re really here.” She added the last part pointedly and they both turned to stare at me patiently waiting for what I would say.

“I...don’t know what to say. It’s a number of things really. Surely my parents thought that it would be embarrassing if I died from an overdose or killed myself. That’s probably the number one reason why I’m here. My parents were always afraid of what other people said about me and how it reflected on them. I come from a small town and my parents are superficial country club loving yuppies and they think I’m a total disgrace. Lets just say that I don’t have a flare for social cues and they were sick of me tarnishing their family name with my lack of tact when dealing with people,” I stopped talking and shrugged. While it may not have been the whole story, at least it was true and I didn’t have to lie.

“That’s all?” Lexus asked, eyebrows raised and completely recovered by her near emotional breakdown. They were both looking at me quizzically; there eyes seemed to hover over me, examining me, possible judging me because of my scars but in reality I had no desire to even bring them up.

“That’s all I want to say,” I replied uneasily. “Are we good now? I’m sorry that I implied that you were any less gorgeous than how I really see you,” I felt stupid for saying that and it sounded corny and lame and like a backhanded compliment. But it was true. I really did think she was gorgeous in a way. Almost hauntingly beautiful and tragic, yet also physically appealing in her uniqueness of flawless ivory skin and fiery red hair. Instead of looking pleased with the compliment, she snorted in disbelief.

“How would you know? You’re gay,” she said it so matter-of-factly that the comment caught me off guard. Mona Lisa simply nodded her agreement and they continued to scrutinize me.

“Why would you say that?” I replied slowly and almost defensively. The two girls exchanged a look that I couldn’t interpret before turning their eyes back to stare at me as if it was obvious why she’d said that.

“You kissed that guy, your visitor, before you were sent to D-lot,” Mona Lisa replied carefully, looking me over.

“I told you he was my brother,” I said shortly, while feeling paranoid as they exchanged another look.

“I thought you were just saying that, I mean, you don’t exactly look alike,” she countered.

“He’s adopted.”

“Wait...why would you kiss your brother like that?” Lexus asked, sounding more bewildered than ever. She looked at me with curiosity; all traces of her previous animosity were completely gone.

“Well I...” I paused, not really knowing what to say to that. As if I had fucking kissed him in front of everyone, or at all for that matter. It seemed especially stupid now after reading his letter. At this point I’d rather kill, than kiss him. Regardless, it had happened and I didn’t really know how to come up with an acceptable response and after a moment of silence they both seemed to sense it.

I felt trapped during that long stretch of silence as we all stared at each other. I felt a sudden grip of fear over the situation and regretted ever agreeing to come here. It seemed obvious to me why I couldn’t respond. There wasn’t anything I could say that didn’t seem entirely incriminating. How would they actually feel if I confirmed that what they’re probably already thinking?

“It was...circumstantial,” I finally replied lamely. Another look was passed between the two of them and I dropped my eyes to the floor.

“You don’t have to explain, it’s none of our business and I shouldn’t have pried,” Lexus reassured me but it was clear that they were both curious and were already probably coming up with their own conclusions.

“It’s not how it seems,” I said it like I was trying to convince all three of us. “I mean, we’re not like...it isn’t...it’s not typical. I can’t explain,” I winced as I said it, realizing that I was only further incriminating myself.

“Wow, I didn’t think I’d ever see you get flustered,” Mona Lisa observed.

“Does it have something to do with why you weren’t allowed to talk about him in group?” Lexus asked before I could react to Mona Lisa’s comment. However Lexus’ inquiry nearly made me fall off the bed. How could I possibly respond to that?

“Uh...I don’t know how to talk about this. I have to go,” I said it abruptly before standing up and moving away from them.

“Don’t go, Salem, please,” Mona Lisa pleaded as Lexus reached out for me and I quickly evaded her.

“We didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable,” Lexus agreed. She seemed much more interested in me then when I first walked through the door and I suddenly felt like I was being circled by vultures.

“Well, I am,” I mumbled in reply before hastily exiting the room without a backwards glance.

I rushed down the hall feeling panicky and paranoid about the assumptions that they were probably making about me. I burst through the door of our room and closed it behind me, leaning heavily on it as if I could somehow block out the situation. Leave it at the door so to speak; but that was impossible. My heart was beating rapidly and I felt short of breath. Especially now that Kieran had moved on, I didn’t want anyone knowing that I’d been fucking my brother, rather, letting him fuck me, for the past six years. It was almost as bad as if someone were to find out why I tried to kill myself. I shuddered at the thought.

I looked up and inadvertently met Lucius concerned gaze from across the room. I tried to look away but somehow I couldn’t tear my eyes away from him even though I could tell that I had a slightly desperate and scared look about me. I didn’t move from the door after a long moment and Lucius got up, setting his book down, and moved across the room until he was standing in front of me. My eyes were still locked on his and his worried expression was starting to unnerve me.

“What happened?” he asked carefully but I could only shake my head in response. “Was it something that happened when you met with Jackie?” he tried again but I only shook my head once more.

I let out a shaky breath and brought my hands up to rub at my face. I needed to get a hold of myself and I concentrated on breathing and slowly my heart stopped beating so fast and my hands stopped shaking so much. I brought my hands away from my face and gave Lucius a weary look. I was able to calm down but I could still feel the last vestiges of panic clinging to my insides.

“It’s okay,” I said in a surprisingly even voice. “Just a momentary lapse in judgement...” I trailed off uncertainly as I watched Lucius’ eyebrows screw together as he gave me a once over, clearly bewildered by my actions. “I...” I stopped talking, again unsure of what to say but suddenly a completely different emotion gripped me, anger. “I hate him.” I said resolutely and the confusion on Lucius’ face only intensified.

“Who’s that?” he asked simply. He moved out of my way as I walked towards my bed and threw myself on it. He followed me and sat across from me, his azure eyes traced over my face but he no longer displayed the concern that was there only moments before. He had suddenly regained the vacant look that I was generally accustomed to but I could sense that he was still curious.

“Kieran,” I explained, “I’m such an idiot. I feel foolish for getting so upset about him yesterday, it was embarrassing to actually cry over him, but even worse because you were here...”

“That’s okay, I didn’t think anything of it...” He tried to say but I cut him off, not wanting to listen to him.

“I felt hurt for some reason, I don’t know. Now I think it might have just been jealousy but it doesn’t matter because I said things that I don’t mean. I’m not upset about it like I was then. I don’t want anything to do with him like that anymore anyways and him finding someone else was what I’d wanted,” I said it all as a random jumble of words as I buried my face in my pillow in humiliation.

“You don’t love him...romantically?” Lucius asked awkwardly.

“No,” I affirmed, “which is why I felt so stupid this morning after the way I acted.”

“It’s okay Salem, I didn’t think any less of you for it. Is that why you were so upset when you came back?” he asked the last part after a moments pause as if he was unsure of how I might react to the question.

“No I...practically told Mona Lisa and Lexus’ about Kieran. I mean, inadvertently. I didn’t say too much in particular but I’m sure they were thinking it,” I sighed, realizing after I said it that it wasn’t that big of a deal. It didn’t matter what these people thought anyways, and they hadn’t said anything and I hadn’t confirmed anything, so...

“I wouldn’t worry too much about it. I don’t think it’s that weird anyways,” he said reassuringly. We didn’t say much after that; we didn’t even discuss my visit with Jackie, the new patient, the Prozac or anything else. I was exhausted after talking so much about things that put me on edge and I eventually rolled over and closed my eyes.

I barely gave the fact that I had to meet Jackie and Don tonight a second thought as I slowly started to drift to sleep, hoping to erase the memory of this entire day from my mind.


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A/N:: Hope you liked the chapter, and I’m anxious to hear what you think! This story has been at a standstill because I’d like to rewrite the first half of it and I’m not sure of how to go about it yet as I lack inspiration and time. I started writing this many years ago and I feel like I can’t connect with my characters the way I’d originally intended and it’s making it harder for me to continue to write it when I know there are so many flaws that I’d like to fix.

I may update again, but likely I’ll focus on rewriting what needs to be fixed and posting all the completely reedited chapters at once. I’m not sure yet. I’ll also be condensing the chapters to make them all similar in length which will involve combining some together. I’ve worked it out and when I’m done, this chapter (19) will eventually be chapter 14. I hope to do this ‘relatively’ quickly as well as write the next chapter at the same time.

Also, if you noticed, I changed my penname (s/n?) so that it’s the same as the one I use on FictionPress. I hope that doesn’t confuse anyone. Anyways, thanks for reading, I love the reviews and appreciate every one of them, so thank you.

Much love,
Lindsay!