Gender Dysphoria: How it Feels to Live a Lie

Okay, so I really wasn't supposed to update this chapter--I'm updating my stories in order according to since their last update so Truth Behind the Lies was actually supposed to be next--but I couldn't get out of my Gender groove, so I went ahead and posted another chapter. Hope you like, it has some light moments thrown in there too. ;-) Postings will hopefully come as soon as possible--with prepping for college and all the B.S. that goes along with it, I'm hardly home let alone in front of my computer.

And also:
bambi4real
DiSpOsAbLe aka CurbStompuh aka Chrysler
Anna Belle
Kasandra

Thank you for your reviews, you're wonderful folk.

Chapter XVIII


Gwen’s POV…

“She’s been cooped up in her bedroom for three weeks—depressed, confused, and not wanting to live anymore! And she refuses to talk to you, so that must mean you’ve got something to do with it! So what did you DO?!”

“I didn’t do anything to her!”

“Uh huh. So what’s with all the balloons and I’m Sorry cards everyday? If you didn’t do anything, you wouldn’t be doing all of this…..She wouldn’t be avoiding you either.”

“She’s avoiding me over something I wouldn’t tell her, but I doubt our little spat over that is causing such a problem.”

“Well, it has. She’s calling her transition a mistake, saying she’s just a boy with a stupid fantasy. Her confidence is down the drain and YOU planted that doubt in her mind!”

“I didn’t say anything that would make her think that! I love Gwen! You know that, Savannah! That Brazilian guy must’ve said that shit to her, not me!”

“………Brazilian guy? Carlos?”

“Yeah, that’s…….”

I awoke to the sounds of two strong voices going back and forth with each other. At first the sleep was clouding my mind so much it didn’t really register that there was an argument in my apartment. But after stretching, yawning, and blinking a few times, it clicked. Savannah and Marcus were going at it about me.

Getting out of bed, I walked to my bedroom door and opened it. Marcus had paused mid-sentence and they both looked in my direction. “What’s going on?” I asked.

Savannah turned to me with a stunned face. “You saw Carlos yesterday? He was the one who said all that stuff to you?” I nodded. “Well….what…..How did—“

“I’ll tell you about it later Savannah. I promise.” I turned my eyes toward Marcus.

“I need to talk to you.” He stated, balloons were in his hand.

I stepped out the doorway to let him in and before I shut the door, I spoke to my best friend, “You still gonna finish washing my dishes, right?”

The blonde glared at me then smirked, showing off her dimples. “Yes, princess. Anything for you.”

I smiled at her sarcasm. “I know.” Shutting the door behind me, I sat on the side of the bed while Marcus sat down at the foot. “So, you want to talk?”

“Yeah,” He passed the balloons to me. “Um, these were for you.”

I grabbed the small weight that was holding the two balloons together and set it on my dresser. “I guess I should put these with the pile of other gifts you’ve left me, huh? I bet the store you got them from is pretty tired of seeing you by now.”

Marcus nodded. “They are, but I don’t care. I’ll keep going there twice a day if I have to……I needed to see you, Gwen. We have to talk about the other night.”

I shrugged. “Why? You’ve made it crystal clear that what you do for a living is your business.”

“Gwen, I’m keeping this from you because I don’t want you involved. What I do is dangerous. Very dangerous. And if you start showing up, telling everyone that you’re introduced to that you’re my girl, you’re in trouble.”

“So it’s not because I’m transgendered?”

“No. I told you that doesn’t matter to me. Your safety is the only reason. If I were doing something else for a living, I’d have been taken you to my job.” He reached over for my hand and I turned my head to look at him. “I want to keep you separate from that part of my life, can you understand that?”

I nodded my head. I understood the reason behind not telling me his job. How it would put me in danger and hurt Marcus in the process. I understood now…….though I’m also realizing that because this ‘job’ is so dangerous, it will hinder the happily ever after I had dreamed about for us. I mean really, who can live their days happy and content with life, knowing that their man has this big ass secret clouding our relationship? What if this ‘secret dangerous job’ gets him killed and cops want to know what happened and I can’t even tell them what he does for a living?

My lover pulled my hand until I got up and he brought me around the bed to sit on his lap. “Well, what about you?” I asked, wrapping my arms around his strong neck. “If its too dangerous for you to bring me around, why do you do it?”

“Because it’s my life. It’s what I’m good at. I don’t know how to do anything else.”

I looked into his brown, beautiful eyes and ran my hand down his face. Touching the lightly stubbled skin of his high cheekbones, strong jaw, and his full lips, I leaned forward to kiss him. “I love you.” I whispered against his lips. “Don’t let what you do get you killed, okay? I don’t want to lose you.”

“You won’t.” he kissed me. “Now can I ask you something?”

“What?”

“You let Carlos plant shit in your head?” I sighed and rolled my eyes. “Don’t roll your eyes; Savannah already let me in on why you’ve closed yourself off from the world for almost a month. At first she thought I did it. For a moment there it looked like she wanted to take my head off. Do you want to stop your transition?”

“I just….I don’t know what I’m doing.”

“You do know what you’re doing. You’re just letting Carlos’ words get to you. He’s full if shit, baby, don’t listen to him. You’re beautiful, so don’t stop what you’re becoming.”

“Are you sure? Cause his words made sense to me.”

“So you don’t believe me, huh? Perhaps I should show you how beautiful you are…” Moving me off his lap and on to the bed, Marcus straddled me. Leaning down for a quick kiss, he lifted my oversized t-shirt, revealing my chest. “I love these…” My bra was still in the dresser, so he immediately started licking at my nipples. I gasped and shivered at the sensual feeling of his warm, wet, tongue. Then licking soon turned to sucking. His hands roamed all over my body, eliciting moans from me just by the mere touch of his fingertips. His lips moved down my stomach to my belly button, and he delved his tongue inside. “…and this…” Closing my eyes and biting my lip, I ran my hands over his shoulders and neck. It’s just an urge you can’t help but give in to, cause if you were to lay eyes on Marcus, you’d want to touch him too. Trust me.

He untied the drawstring to my pajama bottoms and pulled both it and my underwear down my legs, tossing them off the bed. He lifted one of my legs and set it on his shoulder. “I love these. Especially when they stick out of those sexy dresses you put on.” I smiled.

“You like the dresses?”

He ran his tongue down my calf to my knee. “Mhm. I really like that orangy-gold number you wear. It makes your eyes stand out.” He lightly grazed his fingertips down my inner thigh, tickling me.

I laughed. “So what else do you love?” Okay, so my confidence was boosting back up some.

Marcus smiled and I saw him eye my groin. He trailed one large finger down my member. “Well—“

*knock, knock, knock*

“Gwen? Someone’s on the phone for you.” I heard Savannah say.

“Tell’em I’m…” Marcus leaned down and ran his tongue over my neck. “Mmm...busy.” I kissed him.

“Okay, but he says it’s important.”

I groaned and Marcus pulled back. “Go answer the phone.”

“But—“

“No it’s alright. I need to go anyway. I have some errands to run.” He pulled my shirt back down and got off the bed.

“What? Well, will you be back?”

“Of course. As a matter of fact, I was planning on taking you out this afternoon and having some fun. And perhaps bring Savannah and Ian along with us. That is, if she's not still pissed at me." I rolled my eyes. "So what’chu think?”

My eyes lit up. “That sounds great. What time?”

“I’ll pick you up at 5:30.” He winked at me as he opened my bedroom door and walked out. Pulling my clothes back on, I left my room and walked into the kitchen where Savannah had just finished washing the last plate. The phone sat on the counter and I picked it up.

“Hello?”

“Hello again.” A deep and all too familiar voice said to me. Tony Jensen. “You haven’t forgotten about me, have you?”

I sighed. “How could I, you call everyday.” I murmured back, hoping Savannah wasn’t paying attention to my conversation.

“That’s only because you’re important to me, lovely.”

“Don’t…” I glanced back at my blonde headed friend as she dried the dishes and I took a seat in the livingroom. “Don’t call me that.”

“Why not? You ARE my little lovely.”

“You mean your little money-maker.”

I heard him chuckle. “That too. Listen, I’m calling to see if you have changed your mind.”

“Changed my mind about what?” I whispered. “Whoring myself?”

“You make it sound so vile…”

“That’s because it is.” I countered.

Tony was quiet for a moment and I began to wonder if he was still on the line….I prayed hard that he wasn’t. The prayer wasn’t answered. Tony spoke again, “…………You should be just about ready for that surgery you’ve been talking about, right? 10 grand was a lot of money to be saving to make that happen. A lot of money. And you know where 80% of it came from, don’t you? It sure as hell wasn’t that diner you work at. I made that happen for you. I gave you that opportunity to see your dream come to reality, so don’t you forget where your loyalties lie…”

“I owe you nothing.”

“Oh you’re wrong about that. You’d still be pinching up pennies and dimes if I didn’t give you a job that slid $500 down your bra EVERY night. You definitely owe me, lovely. You even owe me all the way down to your bedroom experience. You’ve become quite the pro at fucking, Gwen, and I’m sure that boy-toy of yours is reaping the benefits.”

“You leave him out of this.”

“Why? He doesn’t know his tranny is a tramp?” He laughed. “Don’t worry, I won’t use that to my advantage and tell your secret. Although…….my patience with you is wearing thin. I’ve been asking you nicely to come back and work for me………I see now I’ma have to try other methods to get you to cooperate.”

I frowned. Though I’ve known Tony for a year, it doesn’t mean I really know the man. I had no clue what he meant when he brought up ‘other methods’, I just knew he was planning to do SOMETHING and the sly, devious voice he had was a dead giveaway.

“Leave me the hell alone, Tony. I said I wasn’t going to work for you again and I meant it.” I hung up. Closing my eyes, I sighed deeply.

“Bad call?”

I jumped when I saw Savannah standing next to me. “Huh? Oh no, just some guy who popped up at the diner one day and he’s trying to get me to go out with him.”

Savannah frowned. “You tell him you’re dating someone already?”

“Yeah. Over and over again. I just told him to back off so hopefully that will do it.”

“Yeah, hopefully so.”

I decided to change the subject. Plastering on a forced smile I asked, “Hey, what are you and Ian doing this afternoon?”

“Probably nothing. Why?”

“Marcus is taking me out for a little fun today and he wanted me to invite you two.”

“Oh yeah? That’s wonderful. I’m in.”

***

“Ah!”

Savannah said as her bumper car slammed into the wall. The two young boys that caused her car to hit the wall were zooming by and yelled, “Ah ha! We got’er!” then laughed. The blonde glared at the children.

“Oo! Why you little—“ She quickly put her car in reverse then zoomed forward, chasing them. She tagged one of the boy’s bumper cars from behind, sending his car spinning in circles. “Haha, what do you think about that you little snot?!” She yelled back as she drove by him, on her way to bash the other boy.

Marcus came back to my apartment at 5:30 as promised and took Savannah, Ian, and I to The Adventure Dome located behind the Circus Circus hotel in Vegas. It was basically an amusement park in a dome. And it was a BLAST! We started out playing the smaller games like darts, basketball, and water guns, then we spotted the bumper cars and jumped in line.

We were all driving our own cars with the exception of Marcus; I had him driving with my new and very large pink stuffed bunny he won for me sitting on his passenger side.

I spotted Savannah gloating after she finally slammed her car into the other young boy and I rear ended her. “Why don’t you leave those kids alone, ya big meanie.” I asked smiling.

“So what are you saying? You want me to pick on you then?” She pressed the gas pedal and put the car in reverse so she could have a big running start before she hit me. My eyes bucked out and I immediately pressed my foot down on the gas pedal…..but it didn’t work. The car jerked but wouldn’t move. Just my luck.

“Oh no.” I could hear the whizzing of Savannah’s car coming my way. There was no way out of this, she was gonna slam me into the wall. I accepted my fate, so I gripped the steering wheel and ducked my head down, bracing myself for the impact. She literally crashed her car into me so hard, she pushed my car forward a number feet. The blonde could hardly breathe, she was laughing so hard.

“HAHAHAHA! I lit your ass UP!! You never had a chance to—“

BAM! BAM!

Both Marcus and Ian had driven around to where we were and hit us from the side. That was it, my car was finished.

When our time on the bumper cars was over, we walked paired up to one of the park’s roller coasters. “Oh yeah, lets ride this one. It’s called The Cyclone.” Savannah asked, looking mesmerized at the ride.

“Yeah, I LOVE this ride.” Ian replied. I nodded too…….Marcus, however, didn’t look too enthused about it.

I watched him eye the large rollercoaster, complete with five loops, six major drops, and people soaring through it screaming for their life. His face grew pale. “Um, y’all wanna ride this one?” he asked, pointing to The Cyclone.

“Yeah.” I replied cheerfully. “…..Don’t you?”

“Well um, I would but I think I’ll sit this one out.”

Ian laughed. “I smell chicken, ladies. How about y’all?” Savannah and I both giggled. Marcus was scared, the big baby.

“Ha. Ha. Laugh all you want to, but I’m not scared of nothing. It’s just that loops make me queasy.

“More like loops make you squeal like a girl.” We laughed again.

Marcus huffed. “Look—“

“Okay, okay…” I said interrupting him. “You don’t want to ride, then us three will go. So while you wait…” I handed him “Pinky” my pink stuffed bunny and my purse. “you can hold on to these for me.”

“And mine too.” Savannah said as she handed him her purse.

Ian patted Marcus’ shoulder. “Don’t worry, man. We’ll ride something you’ll like better when we get back…….perhaps the tea cup ride?” He laughed when Marcus glared bullets at him.

The Cyclone was so much fun. You’re strapped down standing up and it starts you off moving very slow……then ZOOM, you’re gone! Me and Savannah screamed the entire time. When it was over, we met up with Marcus and stopped for food, grabbing some hot dogs and funnel cakes before we moved on to more rides.

It was a really fun day today. For two and a half hours, I forgot about everything. I forgot about the estranged relationship with my father, the conversation with Carlos, the doubts about being transgender, and my bouts with Tony. I felt like a kid again. This was the kind of feeling I should’ve always had when I was growing up. I should’ve felt this carefree and happy years ago, you know? This all over good feeling shouldn’t feel so foreign to me…..but it is.

Marcus dropped us off that night and we all went our separate ways. I had finished taking a shower and while still wrapped in my towel, I re-placed the diamond necklace Marcus had given me around my neck. That’s when I heard a knock at my door.

“Who is it?”

“It’s me.”

I smiled at my friend’s voice. I opened the door, overlooking the shaken expression on her face. “Aren’t you tired of seeing my face for one day?”

“Have you seen the news?”

“Um no.”

Savannah walked by me, going straight for my tv, turning it on. I followed behind her and watched her turn the channel to 7. What I saw shocked me. There was my job, Slim’s Diner, totally immersed in roaring flames…….



Marcus' job will be revealed in the next chapter and things will start to really get interesting.