Why Bother?

Blinking a few times, Joanne tried to wake herself up. She could tell immediately that she wasn’t in her own bed. Glancing around, she realized that she was tucked under the covers in her parents’ bed. Trying to shake the grogginess from her head, she sat up and looked towards the window. Her mother was sitting there, a book resting in her lap, although she was just staring out the window into the late afternoon sunlight.

Shaking her head a little, Joanne tried to piece together her thoughts. She felt her blood run cold as she remembered the night before. Then, she started recalling scenes from that morning: crying in her mother’s arms, her father picking her up and carrying her as easily as he had when she was a child, being placed in her parents’ bed with her mother curled around her as she sobbed heavily. She then remembered her father bringing her a glass of water and half a Valium to help her sleep, which explained why she was so woozy now.

“Mom?” Joanne called out softly, her voice barely above a whisper. She saw her mother immediately jerk her head to look at her daughter, concern evident in her eyes. Rising quickly, she moved to the bedside and sat next to Joanne.

“Hello, darling,” Joanne’s mother ran her hand soothingly over her daughter’s hair as she stretched out beside her.

Moving closer to her mother so that she could rest her head on her shoulder, Joanne let out a sad sigh. “Did I sleep very long?” she asked.

“A few hours,” Joanne’s mother replied. “How are you feeling?”

Turning her eyes to the ceiling, Joanne tried to figure out an answer to her mother’s question. How was she feeling? She truly had no idea. She felt empty, hollow. It might be due in part to the Valium she had taken earlier, but she doubted that. More likely, she just wasn’t letting herself think too much. “I’m okay,” she finally told her mother.

Looking down at her daughter, Mrs. Anderson felt her eyes fill with tears, but forced herself not to let them fall. She had to be here for Joanne now. First and foremost, she had to be strong to help her daughter through what was likely going to be one of the brutal emotional experiences of her life.

“Have you heard from anyone?” Joanne asked suddenly. “Has Jake called?”

Shaking her head slightly, Joanne’s mother told her that Jake hadn’t tried to reach her. “He’s probably still in shock,” she told her daughter soothingly. “Like you.”

Sitting up a little, Joanne ran her palms over her eyes, trying to wake herself up some more. “He… he just stopped talking,” she said as she looked over at her mother. “He was crying, and I was holding him, and he kept apologizing over and over. Then… he just… stopped.”

Raising herself so she was seated beside Joanne, Mrs. Anderson put her arm around her daughter’s shoulders. “I can’t even imagine the pain Jake is going through right now,” she said softly, running her hand over Joanne’s hair. “Sometimes, when people are in that much distress, their brain just… takes a break. That’s probably what happened with Jake. But after a while, they start coming back. Little by little, to help them deal with the grief more manageably.”

“I guess I did that a little this morning, too,” Joanne looked over at her mother’s caring face with wide eyes glistening with unshed tears. “After I left the hospital… I felt like I was on autopilot, until I actually said the words to you.” At the memory, the tears Joanne had been holding back came crashing through her lashes, running down over her cheeks. “I just can’t believe it,” she fell into her mother’s embrace. “I can’t believe she’s gone.”

Holding her daughter and rocking gently, Joanne’s mother pet her quietly, kissing the top of her head and whispering words of love until this episode of sorrow had subsided some. “I just don’t know what to do next,” Joanne looked up, her face tearstained. “It all just feels so unreal. What can I do now?”

“For now,” Joanne’s mother wiped some tears from her daughter’s cheeks. “You just have to take care of yourself. You should come downstairs, and I’ll make you some soup. Don’t think about anything for a little while.”

Chewing on her bottom lip, a look of horror passed over Joanne’s expression. “Oh, God,” she whispered softly, looking up into her mother’s eyes with panic. “Mark… He doesn’t know. I have to tell him. How can I tell him, though? Oh, God.”

It took several more minutes of Joanne’s mother holding her close and comforting her for Joanne to calm down again. “It’s okay,” she murmured to her daughter. “We’ll figure out a way. Your father and I will help.”

Pulling back, Joanne looked up into her mother’s nervous eyes. “No,” Joanne shook her head sadly. “I mean, I appreciate it, but… I think I need to do this myself.”

“Joanne, baby,” her mother ran her fingers gently over her daughter’s cheek. “I don’t think that’s such a great idea. This situation… it’s awful. It going to be unbelievably hard for you to tell Mark, and for him to hear it.”

“Mark’s my friend,” Joanne said softly. “And he loves Eve more than anyone in the world. He deserves to hear it from me.”

Looking at her daughter’s resolve, Mrs. Anderson was taken aback at how determined Joanne looked. Tears filled her eyes as she nodded. “You are such a good, strong person, Joanne,” she told her daughter, shaking her head in awe.

Sniffling, Joanne shook her head in disagreement. “No, I’m not,” she refused her mother’s compliment. “I just know that Eve would want it this way… Anyway, I’m going to take a shower. Will you drive me to Mark’s in half an hour? Between the Valium and my stress level, I don’t think I should be driving right now.”

“Of course,” Mrs. Anderson looked at Joanne with amazement. She watched as her daughter climbed out of bed and left the room, heading down the hall towards the bathroom. “I don’t know what we did to be blessed with such an amazing girl,” she whispered to herself. “But I will forever be thankful.”

-----

“Hey,” Mark opened his front door with a huge grin. “I was going to call you to see how lunch with Jake went, but I thought you two might be… celebrating getting back together, and I didn’t want to interrupt.”

Looking down at the ground, Joanne pulled her zip-up sweater tightly around her. “Mark, I need to talk to you,” she said quietly, willing her eyes not to release the tears she felt building up and her voice to not crack. “It’s important.”

“Oh, Jo,” Mark’s voice was immediately sympathetic as he stood to the side, ushering Joanne into his house. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have just assumed that you and Jake… Are you okay? What happened? Can I get you something?”

Glancing around the living room, Joanne shook her head. “Are your parents home?” she asked Mark softly.

“Nope, they’re out of town for some wedding. They’ll be back tomorrow,” Mark led Joanne over to the couch, and they both took a seat. Reaching over, Mark went to put his hand reassuringly on Joanne’s shoulder, but when she jumped he pulled back. “So, did lunch go badly?” he asked with such kindness, Joanne wished she had let her mother come in with her.

“Mark, I have to tell you something,” Joanne looked up into his kind, worried eyes. “It’s about Eve.”

At the sound of Eve’s name, Mark froze and his expression turned to one of dismay. “What is it?” he asked, the words barely making it out of his throat. “Is she okay? Joanne, what happened to Eve?”

Biting down as hard as she could on her bottom lip, Joanne could feel her shoulders begin to shake involuntarily as she reached for Mark’s hand. His face grew blurry as tears filled her eyes yet again. “Mark, Eve died last night.”

Looking at Joanne with shock, Mark didn’t say anything for a moment. “What?” he finally asked in disbelief, his face now pale and his eyes growing glassy. “Wait, she… she couldn’t have. What… wait…”

Suddenly, Mark dissolved into sobs, and Joanne wrapped her arms around him protectively. “I’m so sorry,” Joanne said, aware that these were the same words Jake had been saying, but she was saying them for a very different reason. “I’m so sorry I had to tell you, Mark. I’m so sorry.”

The next hour was incredibly hard for Joanne to watch. At first, Mark had just cried, intensely lost in his pain, while Joanne held him close and tried to ease some of his hurt. After about twenty minutes, though, he pulled back from her. He began storming around the room, throwing things, yelling at no one in particular. “It’s just so fucked up!” he yelled at his ceiling, chucking a book at the wall. “Fuck!” After that was over, he sat down on the carpet surrounded by the items he had broken during his angry tirade, and began crying again. This time, though, he wouldn’t allow Joanne to touch him. “Please, I just need a minute,” he begged Joanne, who immediately gave him the space he requested as she watched him draw his knees up and bury his face in his hands, his body shaking with silent sobs.

“How?” It was the first think Mark had said in over half an hour, and his voice actually made Joanne jump. He sounded so young, so pitiful, so pained. “How did it happen?”

Climbing off the couch and taking a seat beside Mark on the floor, Joanne ventured to reach out for him again. He took the hand she offered and looked up into her eyes, silently begging for some explanation. Letting out a shuddered sigh, Joanne paused, looking at Mark’s tearstained face, before trying to explain everything to him.

It was incredibly difficult for Joanne to even begin, for many reasons. First, just because it was so painful for she, herself, to think about. Second, because she knew how hard it was going to be for Mark to hear. And finally, because telling the story again just reminded her of how much anguish Jake must be in at the moment.

“The family thought Mr. Reynolds was being released on Monday,” Joanne looked down at her and Mark’s clasped hands, willing herself to stay calm while she spoke. “Which is why Jake came to town in the first place. But, um, they were wrong about the date. He was released yesterday morning.” Joanne felt Mark tense, and pushed on with the story.

“Eve and Jake were at homecoming when he got to their new house,” Joanne released a shuddered sigh. “He showed up drunk and raging. He… he started to hit Mrs. Reynolds… he was yelling about the divorce, she said.” Biting her lip, Joanne looked up into Mark’s eyes. “Eve came home around that time, and she tried to stop her father. It seems he had turned his focus on Eve just when Jake walked in…”

“This was all going on while we were talking on the phone last night,” Mark’s voice shook as he spoke quietly.

Nodding, Joanne had thought of that too. “Well, Jake saw Mr. Reynolds hitting Eve, and he jumped between them. He was trying to stop Mr. Reynolds.” Joanne suddenly dissolved into tears, unsure how she would continue. She felt Mark squeeze her hand, and looked at him again.

Seeing Mark silently begging her to continue, Joanne tried to calm her breathing, and then went on. “Jake and his father started full out fighting, shoving and hitting each other,” she explained. “And then Mr. Reynolds picked up a coffee cup off the table and went to hit him with it. That’s when Eve jumped in, trying to stop him. But Jake didn’t want to take a chance of Eve getting hurt worse than she already had, so he ended up pushing her back to get her out of the way. When he did, though…” Joanne shook her head as she recalled what Mrs. Reynolds had told her. “When Jake pushed her back, Eve slipped and hit her head on the table. She broke her neck, almost immediately.”

Looking at Joanne with disbelief, Mark shook his head. “So what’s… what’s going to happen now?”

Joanne tried to keep her voice even as she explained that Mr. Reynolds was arrested and was being charged with assault and reckless endangerment. Jake, his mother explained, was not going to be charged, because his mother had explained that it was an accident, and Mr. Reynolds had also admitted as much.

“When I got to the hospital, Jake was… I’ve never seen him like that,” Joanne said softly to Mark. “He was apologizing about Eve over and over, and then… then he stopped speaking. He was, like, catatonic. There was a really nice doctor in the ER who said he was in shock. They took him into care at the hospital. That’s when Mrs. Reynolds told me everything. After that, I left.”

Mark said nothing at first, although he was staring at Joanne, his eyes brimming with yet more tears. “I don’t understand,” he finally said, confusing Joanne. Had she explained everything? She wasn’t sure; her brain wasn’t functioning normally just then. “I just don’t understand why this had to happen,” Mark dissolved into sobs as he clarified himself. Leaning into Joanne, they both cried and held each other for a long time, unable to see beyond their loss but grateful to have the other person there as support.

-----

“Jo?” Mark whispered later that night, checking to see if Joanne was asleep. They were lying in his bed side by side. With Mark’s parents out of town, he had asked her to stay the night. He couldn’t imagine being alone just then.

“Yeah?” Joanne looked over at Mark, unable to see his expression in the dimness of the room.

“I don’t blame Jake,” Mark whispered softly. “I just… I want you to know that.”

Reaching for Mark’s hand, Joanne intertwined her fingers with his and rested their hands on his chest. “I know,” she said softly. “I don’t think anyone does, besides from Jake himself.”

Nodding in the dark, Mark chewed on his lip. “You know, I really loved her. I’ve never loved anyone before, but I really loved Eve. I still do.”

Tilting her head until it touched Mark’s, Joanne sighed. “I know you do,” she told him gently. “She knew that you did. And no matter what happened, you have to know how much she loved you.”

Smiling a little, Mark glanced at Joanne’s profile in the dark. “I hope so,” he said softly.

“I know so,” Joanne squeezed Mark’s hand. “I promise, I know she loved you.”

“Thanks, Jo,” Mark sighed softly. With that, he turned onto his side, although he didn’t release Joanne’s hand when he did so. “You know, Eve told me a bunch of times that you were the best friend she ever had.”

Looking up at the ceiling, Joanne swallowed hard. “And she was the best friend I’ve ever had.” With that, Joanne and Mark both fell silent, although neither expected to sleep. They just lay there, holding each other’s hand in some sad attempt to feel less like the world was spinning wildly out of control. And both trying, in a vain attempt, to not think about the brilliant, shining, luminous star of a person that had meant so much to them both, who would never burn brightly in their lives again.

-----

The next few weeks moved like a blur for Joanne. She didn’t go back to school that first week, although at times she wished she had. Having that much time on your hands when you are in tremendous pain can be daunting, to say the least.

Joanne went to see Jake once, two days after the incident; that was all she was allowed. Jake was doing better, speaking now, expressing his pain, but when he saw Joanne, he had lost control again. She wished there were some way she could help him – to hold him, to soothe him – but the therapist that was working with Jake believed what he really needed was some time away from that part of his life, away from the reminder of his sister and all he had lost.

The funeral was heartbreaking to watch. Nearly a hundred people showed up, including much of the junior and senior class. Jake, Joanne knew from Mrs. Reynolds, had insisted on going, although he sat quietly through the service beside his mother, never speaking to anyone or ungluing his eyes from Eve’s coffin. Joanne and Mark had stayed by each other’s side, their sympathetic parents close by.

The following week, Joanne insisted on going to school, despite her parents’ urgings that she take off some more time. At school, though, she had almost as hard a time focusing on anything besides Eve as she did at home. This was due mostly to people’s well-intentioned but misguided attempts to offer their sympathy, both students and teachers. When the school guidance counselor had approached Joanne her first day back, after she had spent the whole day hearing how sorry everyone felt for her, she had a mini-freak-out in the middle of the hallway, yelling for everyone to leave her “the fuck alone”.

As the weeks gradually passed by, sympathetic eyes still met Joanne’s in the hallways, but people stopped saying anything. April and some of Joanne’s other friends slowly helped her get readjusted to life, catching her up on homework she had missed and tests she hadn’t been there for. It took about a month before Joanne felt like each and every moment of each and every day wasn’t going to be a torturous challenge filled with thoughts of Eve and Jake, that she might actually be okay one day, in the far future.

It was mid-November the night that Mrs. Reynolds stopped by Joanne’s house, and even in Southern California, the temperatures were dropping. Joanne sat silently between her parents as Mrs. Reynolds explained how much better Jake was doing and how the therapists thought getting out of the area was the best idea for both mother and son. Because of this, Mrs. Reynolds had decided to sell her house and move in with her sister for a while in Arizona. Jake was going to go with her.

“We’re leaving at the end of the week,” Mrs. Reynolds told Joanne and her family. “I have a real estate agent showing the house for us. But I just wanted to come by…” Tears filled the woman’s eyes, and Joanne finally looked up at her. It was clear Mrs. Reynolds had lost a lot of weight since Eve’s death; Joanne had, as well. “I wanted to thank you, Joanne, and your parents. You have all always been so kind to my family. I just want you to know that I will never forget that.”

Joanne’s parents rose to hug Mrs. Reynolds, but Joanne couldn’t stand at that moment. All she could think was how everything that mattered to her – it was all gone. Tears began spilling over her cheeks as she wept silently on the couch. She only stopped when she felt Mrs. Reynolds touch her shoulder.

“Joanne, I cannot imagine how hard this has been for you,” Mrs. Reynolds looked down sympathetically at the young girl before her. “I just want you to know how much you meant… you mean… to both my children. You are a very special girl, Joanne.”

Standing slowly, Joanne took Mrs. Reynolds into a nervous embrace. “I love them both very much,” she said softly as she looked into Mrs. Reynolds face. “I always will.”

Nodding as tears cascaded down her cheeks once again, Mrs. Reynolds began fumbling through her purse. “Here, I found this in Eve’s room and thought you should have it,” she pulled out an item wrapped in tissue paper.

Sitting back down, Joanne carefully removed the tissue paper to reveal a picture frame. It was the frame that stood on Eve’s nightstand, with a picture of Joanne and Eve smiling brightly into the camera. The photo must have been taken shortly after Joanne and Eve first became friends. “Thank you,” Joanne looked up at Mrs. Reynolds. “This means so much to me.”

Nodding again, Mrs. Reynolds pulled out a small envelope from her bag. “And this is for you, too,” she told Joanne softly. “Jake… he is still in such a bad place right now. He misses Eve so much, and he still blames himself for her death. He wanted to come over here tonight to say goodbye to you in person, but at the last minute… he realized he couldn’t, so he wrote you a letter and asked me to give it to you.”

Looking down at the letter in her hand, Joanne swallowed hard. “Thank you,” she said, her voice barely audible. She then sat in silence, her eyes moving between the envelope in one hand and the picture frame in the other, while Mrs. Reynolds said goodbye to Joanne’s parents. When she finally left, Joanne looked up. “I think I’m going to turn in,” she told her parents, who looked concerned but just nodded.

Trudging up the steps, Joanne entered her room and closed the door behind her. She walked over to her nightstand and placed the picture of she and Eve on it. Then she walked over to her mirror, which had pictures and notes shoved into the frame all around it. Looking at the letter in her hand, Joanne made a quick decision and secured one end of the envelope under the frame.

Sliding off her jeans and climbing into bed, Joanne looked over to the picture of she and Eve. “I’m just not ready to say goodbye yet,” she told Eve softly. “If I read that letter, it’s really goodbye. I’ve already lost you for good; I’m not ready to lose him, too. Not yet, at least.”

With that, Joanne leaned over and turned off the light. Rolling over in the bed, she pulled the covers over her and closed her eyes. “Would I have been better off?” she thought sadly to herself. “Would I have been better off if I hadn’t been in that bathroom the morning I met Eve? Would I have been better off to never know how amazing she and Jake were to begin with? Maybe, because then it wouldn’t hurt so much now.”

Deep inside, though, Joanne knew this was not true. Brief as her time with them may have been, she knew that every fleeting moment that she had shared with Eve and Jake had been a blessing – a gift that she would always treasure, for the rest of her life.

-----

THESE ANGSTY CHAPTERS ARE REALLY DRAINING! ANYWAY, THANKS TO EVERYONE WHO REVIEWED. I KNOW THESE LAST FEW CHAPTERS WERE EMOTIONALLY CHARGED. A FEW COMMENTS:

PSYCOSNAKE AND GIRLFIXER: YOU GUYS MADE ME BLUSH! THANKS FOR THE COMMENTS ON MY WRITING.

IOTC247: NO HITMAN THIS TIME, PLEASE!

WOLF: SORRY I PISSED YOU OFF BY KILLING EVE. CAN I MAKE IT UP TO YOU?

SESSHY_LOVER: I GET WHY YOU LIKE MARK AND JOANNE TOGETHER, BUT THAT WOULDN’T REALLY MAKE SENSE BASED ON THE BEGINNING OF THE STORY.

THANKS ALSO TO KEZ, FOAMYFAN15010, LKN, ROSIE, TAYE, SILENT_ENVY, AND FRAN FOR TAKING THE TIME TO REVIEW.