Turn Around
folder
Romance › Slash - Male/Male
Rating:
Adult +
Chapters:
25
Views:
11,081
Reviews:
65
Recommended:
1
Currently Reading:
3
Category:
Romance › Slash - Male/Male
Rating:
Adult +
Chapters:
25
Views:
11,081
Reviews:
65
Recommended:
1
Currently Reading:
3
Disclaimer:
This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance of characters to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. The Author holds exclusive rights to this work. Unauthorized duplication is prohibited.
Eighteen: I am a bad friend?
Chapter eighteen
I am a bad friend
Day twenty one, Tuesday
“Maybe you should wake up right about now because we have a situation.” It was Sem's voice, coming close to my ear, and I whined, wanting to stuff my head under the bedding and never come out. It hadn't even hit me what was going on.
When I finally dared to open my eyes the room was light but not glaring, the curtains yet to be opened. I had no idea what time it was but when I saw Walker stood by the bed, arms folded over his chest, in nothing put his boxers with a poor puppy expression on his face, I felt like crawling into a hole and never come out.
“Seriously, Joonas. One of you better explain.” Shit.
“It's okay, Joonas. You can. Just please be careful with your choice of words or we both risk losing our jobs...”
From the way Walker's eyes went wide I guessed he took Sem's sentence to mean we were having sex and I quickly shook my head. “I don't think it's as bad as you think it is.”
“We'll see about that when you finally tell me what the fuck this is.”
“I have..... Problems with anxiety. Since I was in college, I've had a way of dealing with it that works sort of well.”
“And what is that way? Please enlighten me as to how it makes you end up in our boss' bed!” Oh. Now the shouting was starting? I just had to battle on.
“Kissing... And further intimate situations... Calms me down. If I'm having a panic attack it relaxes me quickly. Remember when you kissed me I went funny for a moment? This is why. With all the change that happened at once when I moved here, Sem found out about the situation and he's been... Helping me ever since. The longer it goes on, the more... Reliant I become.”
“So why are you in his bed?”
“I feel safe with him and can properly relax.”
“You can't with me? Why... Why didn't you tell me about this earlier and then I could help you instead of Sem.” I noticed out of the corner of my eye that Sem was looking less than pleased about being spoken of as if he was just a little helper person.
“I couldn't sleep last night. So I came here. And I don't want to do it with you. I don't want to start it with you... Because proper relationships with people who have been helping me never work out. They end up shitily and I get hurt and then end up moving hours and hours away again.”
“So that's the reason you moved all this way? Because of a bad relationship?”
“Yeah... Partially. But not in the way you're thinking. Don't worry about it. It's not what we're talking about right now-”
“He doesn't like to talk about his old home...” Sem was still wrapped around me, holding me close, keeping me warm. And he was right. I hated talking about it.
“But do you have feelings for Sem, Joonas?” And bam, just like that, I regretted last night and everything about it. If I hadn't wandered in to Sem's bed I wouldn't have that question waiting to be answered. Now I was going to have to say how I felt to both of them and hope my answer was taken well... Doubtful.
“I don't know.” I wasn't lying. “The kissing thing makes it difficult to pin point specific feelings and I don't whether any of them are real or just related to how reliant I have become. Does that make sense?”
Walker shrugged and stood there staring down at us for a long moment, giving me chance to wonder just how hard it was for him to see me and Sem like we were, limbs tangled, my head on his chest. I had never meant to hurt his feelings and I was expecting a punch in the face but instead he leant over and kissed me. This time there was no messing around, the kiss rough, forcing me to respond for fear of losing my lips otherwise. He soon straightened himself and looked to the door.
“Now that I've fully embarrassed myself I think I'm going to go.” I started to get up, wanting to tell him to wait and that he hadn't embarrassed himself at all but he shook his head at me. “You clearly need time to think about things and I shouldn't have tried rushing you so I'm going to leave it up to you now. Call me when you're ready to talk about things.” He made it to the door. “And thanks for last night. It was nice.”
Walker leaving me left an empty feeling within me. I'd wanted to rush to him and pull him back but what good would that do? I didn't know what I wanted and there was no point leading people on anymore. A nuzzle against my neck brought me out of my thoughts and I turned my head to look at Sem.
“If you have feelings for me then why don't we try? … Being together properly, that is.”
I stared at him in amazement before laughing. Always trying to make light of things, that was Sem.
“I'm serious.” His tone was, too, and I flinched away from him at the thought of what he was actually asking me.
“Did you not listen to a word I said to Walker?”
“I did. And that's what leads me to believe you want to properly be with me. I saw the way you kissed him and it's far from the way you kiss me.”
“That's... That's b-because... Things are d-d-different-”
“B-b-d-d. Don't babble. Can you not even admit it after these weeks that you want to be with me? Shall I help you? I want to be with you. I want to try being properly with you. You had the chance to stay with Walker last night but you chose to come to me and you chose to play with my dick and kiss me... Are you going to tell me that the kiss last night was just a kiss for relaxing?” It hadn't been, but I'd let things go too far. I'd been tired and confused and found myself doing things I shouldn't have.
“Things just went too far, Sem.”
“Like they have done multiple times before. Doesn't that tell you that your feelings are actually real toward me?”
“I can't have this conversation with you when your groin is pressing against mine!” I squirmed, suddenly feeling trapped. Scrambling out of bed I scowled at him, wanting to believe it was all his fault.
“It's not my fault you haven't had sex in over a year and that you like being close to me. If I recall I offered to help you out last night but you turned me down.”
“For good reason! You could lose your job!” I struggled to get some underwear on, trying to make my erection less obvious.
“I could talk to my boss quietly. I could sort something out. There's always a way around everything, Joonas. Did you parents never teach you that?.. They didn't teach you a lot, did they?” He was still in bed but now sat up, looking concerned as if I was about to fall over and land on my face.
“AGAIN! Again you talk about my parents like you know them and their parenting ways!” I hated it and he should have known that by now. Maybe he did and he was just trying to get a response from me.
“It's clear they ballsed it up with you. You act like a child most of the time!” He got out of bed on his side... Why did I see it that way? It was his bed. All of it. It was not mine!
“I'm not speaking about this. You don't even know what you're saying. Maybe if you go back to your stupid woman in a red dress she might give you what you want.” Where were my shoes?
“She can't. She isn't you!”
“So why are you seeing her? Why are you stringing her along? Don't you see such behaviour as a little cruel?” One shoe found. I didn't need much more as I tugged on yesterday’s shirt, crumpled to hell but it would have to do.
“I wanted to see if it would make you realise your feelings towards me. I was using her, yes, in a way. I enjoyed her company but she could never compare to you.” I felt fingers on my shoulder, moving up to my bare neck and I side stepped away from him, turning my head away. “Please, Joonas...” It took all my strength to shake my head. “Stop being a fucking coward! What are you afraid of?!” He was becoming angry and I swallowed hard.
“You losing your job. Me losing my job. Losing you. I never manage to pick up all the pieces by myself. Some go missing. It gets worse each time. I am missing parts. Find someone better. Someone new. Someone who can give you what you want.”
“Give me yourself and I'll have what you want.”
“I can't!” I turned to face him just in time for him to slam hands into my shoulders. I hit the door – the only exit – with enough force to leave me winded and I sputtered in his face, unable to lift my hands up.
“You won't. You mean you won't!”
“Go find someone who is willing to have you, Sem. I'm not! This was never a relationship! You said you were professional. You're a liar!” A hand closing around my throat caught my attention and I struggled to swallow. Eyes wide I stared at Sem and neither of us moved. As his expression slowly began to soften and I felt on the verge of tears, he shook his head. “I can't.”
His grip vanished and he left me stood there as he went to get dressed. I didn't understand what had just happened but there was little time to think on it as he was soon holding the door open for me. We still had work. The drive was painful and slow, silent. I got out of the car and walked the stairs with him beside me but no eye contact was made. I spotted Walker and began to take a detour around the cubicles to his when I heard a rumble in my ear.
“Don't you fucking dare go running to him. Stop running, it's boring.”
I sat in my seat and closed my eyes as I heard his office door slam shut.
The morning was a blur of confusion and pain. In doing what I thought would make him happy, I was losing him. It had already happened. And I missed him already.
“Joonas.” His big, booming office voice almost frightened me off of me chair. “Office. Now!”
0101010
“Your apartment is ready.” Was that it? What was I meant to say?
“Right now?”
“As of ten this morning.” He slid a set of keys over his desk towards me. “I can drive you there to see it if you like...” Was that his attempt at making up for nearly strangling me?
“I'll ask Walker to take me instead, thanks...”
“Let me help you move your stuff. Whenever you want to-”
“I'm moving out tonight, Sem. I can't... I can't be there anymore.” He nodded and frowned.
“I'm sorry for this morning... I just got so...” So many options. “Frustrated.”
“I prefer to see it as you became a complete dick, but whatever you want to call it...”
“Joonas, please.”
“No. Leave me the fuck alone. We don't speak anymore. You're my boss and that's it. I'll have my stuff moved by the end of this evening and you can enjoy your peace and quiet again. Shove it up your ass for all I care.”
"Joonas..."
But I was gone, stomping out of his office, slamming the door behind me, making everyone on the floor look up over their cubicle walls. Walker mouthed an 'are you alright?' at me and I nodded, moving over to him.
"You're free tonight, right?"
"Sure. What's up? We... Could hear you yelling just now."
"My apartment is ready. I'm moving in tonight but I don't really want him helping me."
He did help.
After work I sat in the car with Sem on the way home and not a single word was exchanged. I wanted to run away from him and never lay eyes on his face ever again. He hovered around me while I worked on getting my crap together, Kitty in her box, Mighty Pug on his leash.
When Walker turned up Sem held the door open for him, looking rather pissed about the company. But it was none of his business. We would be soon gone, out of his space, out of his life.
With my stuff packed away, we trudged down the stairs with my bags in hands, Mighty Pug finding them a little difficult to handle. We got everything in Walker's car but the pets and when I turned around to find them I saw Sem already loading them into his car. They'd become used to him. Mighty Pug yipped and wagged his tail when Sem picked him up and I shook my head.
"Whatever."
0101010
"Are you sure you're going to be okay? I can stay longer if you like. And it's not so far from mine. Do you think you would know the way? Joonas, please talk to me. I don't want it to end this way. I didn't mean to upset you so much."
"I think you should go. And maybe when you're at home you will call that woman and tell her you're not interested. That you were leading her along. That you have anger issues-"
"I'm not the only one." True. But I had fucking issues. He was just a moron.
I saw him heading to my new front door and linger there but then finally he was gone.
Walker stayed much longer, helping me into the night with setting things in place and working out how to use the dishwasher. I would never remember so he promised to write down instructions and a list of the products I'd need to use in it. Suddenly washing dishes by hand seemed like a simpler method.
"If you need me, my place is right around the corner. And it's a nice area so don't worry. You'd be okay walking to me and I'd answer no matter what time it was. I can stay if you like?" I shook my head and he pulled me close, the hug friendly and concerned. "If you need anything... I'll be right here. And if you want to talk about what the hell happened with Sem then I know how to keep my mouth shut. Don't worry. Things always work out in the end." Really? Because it didn't seem that way at all.
"Thanks.. For helping me. It was nice of you."
The kiss to my lips was delicate and fast, and then he was gone. I was alone. What the hell was I meant to do all alone? The answer was obvious.
As I sank onto my knees, bursting into tears, I wondered how Sem felt right then. Suddenly he was also alone. How did normal people cope? How did people cope at all? How did they find the strength to go on when they were alone? How did they sleep? How did they eat? How did they function?!
Author notes: Update notices for all current and upcoming stories can be found on Facebook at Alinna Words.
Thanks to my beta, MissusAnn (fp). Eroburn: I imagine Sem's lady date being hurled from a high window in your fancy red dress. Would be fun. Thanks for reviewing. Bambi4real: Glad you're enjoying! Reader1962: :) Lisa: Walker is not dumb. But he has a squishy heart... shown more in the upcoming few chapters. Poor baby <3 Thank you for reviewing. Yohtarama: Sem is indeed dark haired, yes. Very dark, actually. Joonas, on the other hand, is sort of... Mm... Mousey coloured hair. Sem is also rather tall at over 6ft. Thanks for reviewing ^^