Crystalline Tears On Lashes

Days leap by, crawl by, flowing into a long stream. Good, great, wonderful days, full and happy. Horrid, terrible, pebble in your shoe as your run for your life days, empty and sad. Uneven, out of sync, can't quite find my balance moments. Moments of skin full to bursting happiness. Shifting sand dunes, always eager to run and play with the wind, leaving me grasping for footing, grasping to stand. Never quite getting there, never quite understanding, always missing some detail, some fact, some connection. Trust, complete and total, not now, not ever? I trust, I hope, I pull back, away, back into safe. But, my safe, isn't so warm, so comfortable, I don't quite fit there anymore. I don't quite fit anywhere.

Stuck. All of the old rules of life, of behavior, gone. Without anything to fill in the gaps, the holes, the need. Out in the open, exposed naked and alone. The old is gone, and the new? I can't nail down the new. The new is slippery, sliding, mutating faster than I can classify. Trying, to make a pattern, a form to fit into, a place to hold me.

Full of fear of making a mistake, never knowing exactly what is expected of me. Expectations, are they set in stone? Are the rules constant, unchanging, identical day after day? The uncertainty, the waiting for the masks to fall off, the hands to strike out, the acid words to burn me. Hope blooming, full of blossom and fragrance, reaching for the sun, opened up eager for more. Curling, drying, shrinking withering confusion, blasting my hope into fragments over my landscape.

Hope, happiness, wonderful, alone, horrid, terrible, confusing days, all began with the closing of a door. The front door.

As the door closed on my last welcome home guest, the fear started to crawl around in my belly, and began the trip to my throat, around my throat, closing my throat. Alone, really alone with the Jenkins.

Sam smiled at me saying, "Soah, I want you to understand that this is your house. I don't want you to, no more correctly, we don't want you to feel like an unwanted guest. No one forced us to take you in. We filed the foster papers because we want you here with us. So, we are going to give you the 50 cent tour of your new home. Honestly, we don't spend a great deal of time here in the living room. The family room is where we spend most of our time. When Talia has friends by this is the room Cecile and I retreat to. Who knew that girls were so noisy?"

"Girls are noisy? Have you heard how loud you and your buddies are when a game is on?" Talia had a big smile on her face, and poked Sam in the tummy.

Cecile slipped her hand into mine and pulled me into the dining room. "Normally we have dinners here each evening. We do make exceptions for time schedules, certain tv shows, what have you. The dishes in the sideboard are usually only used for holidays, so we trundle the dishes back and forth from the kitchen." Tugging me along again, Cecile pulled her into the kitchen. Opening various cabinets and cupboards showing me the where and what of the kitchen.

"What time is breakfast?" I was trying hard to remember everything that I had been shown, and was worried, oh so worried, that I was going to forget something important.

"Around seven. Is that fine with you Soah?"

"Sure. What is normally for breakfast?"

"Eggs, pancakes, bacon, toast, oatmeal. The usual breakfast foods. Cecile leaves around eight, I am usually out around 8:15 or so, and Talia has a babysitting job that I drop her off to each morning. Did Kevin ask you to help him on the apartment? Everything has taken so much longer than they had hoped. There is still so much work to do. Dave is working full time, and only has time after work, and he is allergic to dust which limits what he can help with. Morgan is working each day with Kevin, but they could really use more help. They really want to move in soon."

"Yeah. Kevin and Dave both asked me to help."

"Do you want to work with them? You don't have to."

"Umm, if I don't help them, then I have to go to the day program at the hospital, right?"

"Yes, both of the doctors don't want you home alone yet. Which would you rather do?"

"Help Kevin and Dave. Is that ok?"

"Yes, it is."

Sam pulled me along into the family room, showing me the tv and the computer. Babbling on like a noisy brook, about what I couldn't honestly tell you. Overload, so much to remember, to hear, to absorb. I know I will forget something important, I am full to bursting already.

"Lets go see your room, huh?" Sam's question caught me by surprise, he pulled me from my daze of fear and an overload of information.

"......ok..."

Up the stairs, down the hall, and into a bedroom. Words began flying around the room, words that had no real meaning, words are worthless. Something about making the room my own, wanting me to decorate it to my desire. Desire? What I desire, you can't paint a room with, can't cover a bed or windows with. What is my desire? At this point, I don't even really know, what it is I desire. How about, rules that make sense, rules that are nailed down, rules that don't shift and flow? For rules that I can believe in, I need to trust, and that is something I just can't do, I don't know how to do. I desire a world that makes sense to me, a world that won't hurt me, a world that I can fit into, a world for me. Love? Oh, I desire love, someone to love me, not hurt me, but love me. Affection? Yes! Affection, that would be beyond words wonderful, I desire affection. Yes please! One order of affection to go. Standing there, lost in a sea of words without meaning, lost in my thoughts, just honestly plain lost in the universe, Sam touches me, jerking my mind back to the here and now, and surprised by the touch, I flinch away. Oh God! I flinched! Steeling myself for the blow, waiting, oh God, I hate the waiting, just get it over with and hit me! The blow that never comes? Scrabbling my way back into the present, fighting to understand the words and the body language, fitting together the puzzle pieces to make sense of what is happening around me. No angry faces? Flinching, without fail, leads to furious unbridled anger. Anger that is only cooled with the heat of violence hammered out on me. I see only sad faces. Cecile has tears in her eyes, why? Cecile moves toward me, and I cringe away. Trembling, shaking, crying, knowing my sin, and the penance that will need to be paid. Why, oh why, can't I stand still, and just receive their anger, the punches, the whippings? No, I always, and I do mean always, flinch, cringe, attempt to move away, it just magnifies their response to an ever stronger focus. Unable to stand up any longer, I crumple to the floor, I am a puppet with broken strings.

"Soah?" Sam knelt next to me, rubbing his hands over his face, "You need to understand that we will never hit you! And, when I say never, that is just what I mean. We will never ever hit you, ever! For any reason, no matter what, we will never hit you." Sam slowly sat down, "Soah, I know that it is easy for me to sit here and tell you that we will never hurt you, and impossible for you to believe me. All of us are just going to have to take this moment by moment. We are going to have to learn to listen, really listen to each other. Listening not only to what we are saying, but what we mean. And, we are going to have to learn how to say what we really mean when we talk to each other."

Sam sat quietly on the floor next to me. Cecile and Talia were sitting on the bed. Talia had her arm wrapped around her mom, tears still streaking Cecile's face. Sam held his hand out to me, waiting for me, allowing me room to decide if it was safe to take it. I pushed myself up, sitting by Sam, but out of his strike zone, relieving every moment with Sam, and how safe he made me feel. Making a decision, believing in it, throwing my caution into the fire, I launched myself into his arms. And was greeted with a fierce hug. He scooped me up, turned me around so that I was sitting in his lap, and cuddled me to him. In a rush, all of the days tension drained away. As the tension left my body, I began to cry, giant body shaking sobs, that surprised me with their intensity. I clung to Sam, the tears wrenching my throat, choking me in their haste to leave me all at once. He held me so gently, I could feel his affection for me, his love for me?

As my tears ran down, Sam murmured into my ear, "Baby girl, are you feeling better about living here with us now?"

Pushing away from Sam slightly, wiping my face with my hands, "Yeah, I am sorry about that. I should know better, and part of me does, but still, it is so hard to believe..... that life will be better."

"Sorry? Why on earth are you sorry? There is no reason at all for you to apologize. If anyone should apologize it should be us. I noticed that you had zoned out on us, and I wanted to get your attention, to bring you back into the room with us. I knew better than to touch you to get your attention."

"It's late, and you have had a really long day. Why don't we all go to bed. Things will look better in the morning. Soah, just get what you need out of your bags for tonight. We can unpack your things tomorrow, ok?" Cecile looked so sad, sitting on the bed. I felt even worse now about cringing from her hug. Sighing, as she stood up, Cecile leaned down and opened up a suitcase. Standing up, she had bear and moose and my pillow in her arms.

Pulling away from Sam, I got up and walked over to Cecile, screwing up my courage, I reached out and yanked everything out of her arms, dumping the stuff on the bed. And then, shaking inside, slid into her arms for a hug. Cecile froze at first, and I thought I had made a terrible mistake. Just as I was getting ready to pull away from her, she tightened her hold on me. For the briefest of breaths, I was scared all over again, and then somehow, knowing I was safe with her, melted into her embrace. Oh, oh! How good this feels! My first true, no holding anything back hug with her, I never want to let go! Standing there, with her slightly rocking me back and forth, holding me so warmly, I began to feel in her arms the same feelings that rush through me when Sam hugs me.

Kissing the top of my head Cecile said, "Soah, we have all had a long day, especially you. Come on let's get you ready for bed, huh?" Nodding my agreement of how tired I was, but was not wanting to part from her embrace just yet. Cecile squeeze me lightly one last time, and disentangled herself from my grip. "I am not going anywhere, we will have lots of time to hug."

Laying in bed, warm and oh so very happy. What I have always prayed for, hoped for, despaired of ever happening, has happened. I am safe! Oh, I love to say the word, safe, safe, safe, safe... The very word is music to my soul. I just have to believe in Sam and Cecile. I have to get this right! I can not ruin this by my behavior. I need to be extra careful to follow all of the rules.


"Soah! Breakfast smells awesome! What did you make? Oh french toast! Yummy! Bacon, and scrambled eggs, wow! This must have taken you forever! Can I eat now? Please?" Talia batted her lashes at me, a large grin on her face.

"Sure, help yourself. Will your mom and dad be down soon?"

"Here we are, the divine aroma pulled us down the stairs. French toast? I love french toast! Why does yours smell so much better than mine? Oh the coffee is ready! Soah our lifesaver!" Cecile poured two mugs of coffee and handed one to Sam.

"I use vanilla extract and cinnamon in the batter. I hope you like it." I was so nervous about making them breakfast, hoping they would like my cooking.

"Umm, ohh, Soah! This is the best french toast ever! Mom, I am so sorry, but Soah's is so much better! The syrup is warm too. Yummy!" Talia speared two more pieces from the serving plate, having already devoured one piece and a large helping of scrambled eggs and several slices of bacon. "No need for lunch today! I will be full on this all day! Yum!"

"Where did you learn to cook like this? This is a fabulous breakfast!" Sam had a substantial amount of everything on his plate. His fork poised half way to his mouth, he shot a sharp look at Soah. "Soah! Where is your plate?"

"Umm....... I don't have one. I'll eat later."

Sam pushed to his feet, getting a place setting, and stalked back to me. "I am taking your hand." Doing what he said, he pulled me away from the sink full of dishwater, and forced me to the table. "We appreciate all of your hard work on this glorious breakfast. But, in this house, we eat together, the dishes wait. Sit. Eat."

Cecile and Sam both started piling food on my plate. Glancing at Sam to check if he was truly mad at me or not, he didn't seem mad. Cecile patted my arm, and nodded at my plate. Releasing a breath that I was unaware of holding, I started to eat.

"Soah, can you teach me how to make your french toast? I love this stuff! Yum!!!" Talia was eating with a look of total happiness.

"Sure, it is nothing special. Just the normal batter for the french toast. Just add a few drops of vanilla and a sprinkle of cinnamon. I watched some cooking show in the hospital and she did it this way, and it sounded so good, I wanted to try it."

"What else can you cook? Is everything you cook this good?" Talia was starting to slow down, her stomach was getting full, but her mouth didn't want to stop tasting.

"Umm, lots of things I guess. I make really good peanut butter cookies."

Cecile glanced up at the clock, "Whoops! We need to get ready to go! You have only 15 minutes before blast off Sam! Soah? Are we supposed to drop you off or is one of the boys going to pick you up?" Before Soah could answer Cecile the doorbell rang. "Well that answers that question! Get the door Soah."

"Sure mom!" And I ran for the door, not seeing the shocked look on everyone's face. Pulling the door open, there stood Morgan, a large grin on his face.

"Cute look there Soah!"

"Huh?" Looking down, I saw I was still wearing the apron, with my fuzzy slippers. Giggling at what I was wearing, I asked Morgan, "Have you eaten yet? Do we have time for you to eat?"

"Sure, I can always make time for food. It smells wonderful! What is that?"

"French toast. It seems to be a big hit around here. I have enough batter for a couple more slices. Do you want some eggs and bacon also?"

Morgan followed me into the kitchen, "Wait! You made that wonderful smell? Really? Hook me up! Good morning everyone."

"Oh, hey Morgan. You do not want to eat Soah's french toast!" Talia smiled at Morgan.

"Why not? It smells divine!"

"Yeah, but once you start eating you will never want to stop! I'm ready to go dad! Meet you in the car! Bye Soah! See ya Mom!"

"Talia is right, best french toast I have ever eaten!" Kissing Cecile on the cheek and ruffling Soah's hair, Sam followed Talia out the door.

"Soah, I get off at 5 every night. Sam is usually off around 4:30. I will swing by and pick Talia up from her babysitting job after work. Morgan, what time do you and Kevin usually wrap things up for the day?"

"It depends on what we are working on. Sometimes, we have to wait for things to dry and wrap up earlier, or the current project is complicated and we don't want to break in the middle, and we just keep working until it is finished. Why?"

"Soah, is not supposed to be home alone."

"Oh, then we will just keep her busy until 5. Sound good? Now where is that french toast I am hearing so much about?"

"It's almost done. Do you want some scrambled eggs also? Let me warm up the bacon."

"I am leaving now Soah. Take your cell phone with you today. Call me if you need to."

"Mom? Aren't you going to be late for work today?"

"Yes. I have already cleared it with my boss for me to come in about 30 minutes late each day this week. I wanted to make sure we had enough time in the mornings until you became accustomed to our schedules. Give me a hug baby girl." Oh, lovely, lovely hugs!

"Bye Mom! See you tonight! So, did you want eggs?"

"Sure, if it isn't to much trouble."

Nope! No trouble at all! So, what kind of work will I be doing today? There is enough coffee left, do you want some?"

"Yeah, only had one cup this morning. Painting. We want to get everything painted before we put the flooring down. That way we don't have to worry about spilling paint on the new floors."

"Here is your coffee and the eggs, the french toast will be done in a minute. So, if you are to the painting and flooring, are you almost done?"

"One would think so, huh? No, well, yes....here is the thing. All of the big work will be done, after all of the flooring is done. What is left is all the little fiddly jobs. Moldings, towel racks, curtain rods, shelves. The kind of stuff that is not hard to do, but is time consuming, because you have to be so exact or it shows."

"Here is the rest of your breakfast. Will I get paint on my clothes? Everything I have is new, and I don't wanna mess it up." I poured myself another glass of juice and sat down with Morgan.

"Soah! Talia is right! This is heavenly!"

Morgan was quiet while he was busy eating. Scraping the last morsels of food from his plate, he leaned back into his chair, with a groan and a large smile. I picked up his plate, and finished up the rest of the dishes.

"While I was eating, I was thinking about keeping you clean. I have never managed to paint anything without getting at least some paint on me. How about we go down to Value Town, and get you a pair of cheap tennis shoes, and a bandana for your hair. And at the hardware store, we will get you a set of coveralls. That will keep you clean and tidy. Sound good?"

"Umm, I don't have any money."

"No worries. I'll spring for them. And I don't want to hear from you about it, understand? Hey! How about if you make me breakfast each day? My mom leaves early each morning, and I have no idea how to cook. I get well tired of cold cereal and toast. Do we have a deal?"

"Ok. Let me run up and get my shoes. Is shorts and a tee ok for under the coveralls?"

"Yeah, less is better. Hurry up Chef Soah!"

"I'll be quick!" Running up the stairs, I sped into my room, grabbing up my shoes and a pair of socks. Halfway down the stairs before I remembered my cell phone! Errr! Back up the stairs, into my room, where did I leave my cell phone? Oh, on the desk. Grabbed it up and shoved it into my pocket, down the stairs again. Flying around the corner into the kitchen, I caromed off of Morgan, landing on my butt.

"Hey! It isn't a race here. Kevin won't fire us. Besides I am picking him up, so he will wait for us, and he is always late! You ok?"

Morgan pulled me to my feet and stopped my giggles by kissing me throughly. I dropped my shoes and socks and threw my arms around him, and fell deeper into his kiss. Morgan picked me up, never breaking our kiss, and carried me into the family room. Sitting down on the edge of the sofa, Morgan slid me against him, and leaned back on the sofa. Laying on him, his hand on my back, the other cupping my head as we kissed. Sharing each others breath, lips and tongues soft and warm. Slow long soft noisy kisses. Morgan's hand on my back slid up and down, oh that feels so heavenly! Gradually Morgan began kissing me more firmly, more urgently, his hands were both running up and down my back, oh more, please more! His hands stop their wandering on my butt, pressing me against him, moving his hips up and down as he ground himself against me, he moaned low in his throat.

Breaking off our kiss Morgan whispered into my ear, "We have to stop." Groaning deeply he rested his face next to my ear. His breath tickled as it washed over my cheek.

"I...I...don't want to stop!"

"Oh honey baby, we have to."

Pressing my pelvis down onto Morgan, rubbing against him, urging him to finish what he started! Catching my hips in his hands, he stilled their movement. Whining trying to break free of his confining hands, needing the friction back again.

"Morgan, please! I don't wanna stop now! Come on, please?"

"No. It is my fault, I shouldn't have let it get to this point. I'm sorry Soah, but no."

Pushing up with my hands on his chest I looked into his eyes, they were glazed with desire, and I knew he wanted to finish as badly as I did. Leaning down, zeroing in on his mouth, hoping if he starts to kiss me, he will loose control. He let my lips land on his, but then pulled back so the kiss was light, not what I wanted at all! Running his hands up my sides and around my back, holding me to him as he sat up. Turning me around, sitting me sideways on his lap, he hugged me, and rested his cheek on my head.

"Soah, you know we can't do this, don't you?"

"No! I don't know why! I didn't ask you to stop!"

"You are 15! Shit! What was I thinking? You aren't ready for this." Morgan pushed me off his lap onto the sofa, and dropped his head into his hands. "Damn it! I gotta get my shit together!"

Sitting there, listening to Morgan berate himself, running himself down further and further. I needed to make him stop feeling so guilty. Of course! Jumping off the sofa, I ran up the stairs, and into my room. Opening one of the suitcases on the floor, I dug to the bottom, retrieved what I needed, and ran back down the stairs.

"Morgan I want you to read something. I wrote this a few days before you met me." Handing Book to Morgan, I pointed at where he should start reading.

"You.... you are letting me Book? Why?"

"It will explain some things. I am not as innocent as I look. I...mean that, umm......I've....never ahh, had sex, but ummm......... just read it."

Morgan began reading where I had decided that I needed a boy, any boy who would protect me at school, and my desire to find someone older to teach me how to have sex. Worried that he would think less of me, didn't really matter any more. I just didn't want him to feel any less about himself. Nerves climbing up from my stomach, taking root in my chest, coming to rest around my throat. My heart sped up, until it was banging around in my chest like a shoe in the dryer.

Lost in my own thoughts, sure he was leaving and never looking back, I startled when he dropped Book onto the coffee table. Coming back to the here and now, I chanced a quick look at Morgan. His eyes were wet, he wasn't crying, only one blink away from crying. Wrapping his arms around me, he held me so carefully, he still wanted me!

"School was bad for you also?"

"Yeah, girls hate me for some reason. I get picked on all the time." Loving the feeling of his arms around me, I just had to ask while there was still some bravery left, "You don't hate me now? Do you still like me?" Steeling myself against his words. When he did speak, it took my breath away.

"Don't you get it? I love you! I have dated tons of girls, and not a single one has ever held my interest for more than a few dates! But, you! There is something about you that draws me in. You are all I can think about! That is why I lost my self control with you today. I want you so much."

"What you read in Book, doesn't upset you, at all?"

"Yeah, it does. But not for the reason you think. What upsets me, is that no one ever saw you. No ever wanted you. I am blown away by that! You are kind, and sweet, smart and funny, and cute as hell. Go put Book away, we need to be going. I'll call Kevin, and let him know we are coming."

The rest of the day went by in a blur. The only thing my brain would hold onto was that Morgan loved me! Even after reading Book! He loves me! Me!

After dropping Kevin off, a warm quiet filled the car. Morgan had my hand on his lap, and he would rest his hand over mine when he wasn't shifting. I was tired from painting, and was content to just bask in the enjoyment of being with Morgan.

"Would you like to go on a date Friday? Out to dinner, and a movie? Chinese food sound good?"

"Really! Oh yes! I would love to! You will have to help me order, cause I just ate what Dave fed me. Will they have forks? If not, Dave will have to come with us! What movie will we see?"

"Not sure, we need to check to see what is on. There will be forks, if you want to be sure, you could bring your own! Do you need to ask Sam and Cecile first?"

"Oh. I'm not sure. We can ask when we get to the house. That would be so funny! Hey mom! I need to take a fork on my date!" Giggling at the funny picture of me putting a fork in my bag, and then the even funnier idea of me getting it out of my bag at the restaurant! Morgan must have agreed with me, because soon he was laughing with me.

As soon as the car came to a halt, I was out like a shot, and up and into the house. "Mom? Dad? Is anyone here?" Sam came into the hallway, the newspaper in his hand, and a concerned look on his face.

"Baby girl, what's the matter? Are you ok?"

"Dad!" I threw myself into his arms, and gave him a huge hug! "Guess what? Morgan wants to take me on a date Friday! Can I go? Please?"

"Hey Morgan! This morning when I left she was all calm and quiet. What kind of paint are you using?"

" I know the answer to that! Eggshell. Wait, is it really made with eggshells?"

"No that is the finish, only kinda shiny. Where were you all day? We told you that, and you thought it was interesting."

"Really? I don't remember that at all." At that point Mom and Talia came home. Running up to mom, and throwing my arms around her saying, "Mom! Morgan asked me out on a date Friday! I asked dad already and he started talking about paint. Can I?"

"Let's go sit down, I am tired, it was a super busy day. Why don't you help Talia get supper ready, and let your dad and Morgan and I talk about it, ok?"

"Umm, does that mean no? Did I do something wrong?"

"No, you haven't done anything wrong at all. This is what parents do. We want what is best for you, and for us to decide, we need to talk to Morgan alone for a minute. Everything is fine." Mom gave me another hug, before she headed off to the living room.

"Come on, let's make supper. I hope you are a wizard with supper like you are with dinner!"

"Sure. What are we making?" Taking one last glance at the living room doorway, before following Talia to the kitchen.


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Jenn! Thank your for you wonderful review. At one point in posting this story I almost gave up. Only a very few votes and no review comments. And when I did get one, it was flame..... Your review last night, had me dancing around the living room like a dervish! The Husband thought I had gone looney! Thank you so very much for your kind words!