Institutionalized

A/N:: Sorry to my readers for the long wait, I've had major writters block. This chapter isn't exactly complete as it hasn't been properly edited. I wrote it over a long period of time and I feel it doesn't flow very well. I can't work on it any more at this point so figured I'd post it.
Thanks to everyone who's reviewed my story! ;) I would never have continued it if it werent for you, so thanks again!
Much Love!

_______________________________________________________


“So Salem...I think that it must be obvious that I want to talk to you about what happened the other day,” Don said pointedly, cutting to the chase.

“Obviously,” I repeated sarcastically. We were in Don’s office for a session. Today was the day I was supposed to have my second group session but they thought it was best if I talked to Don alone instead.

“Well, what do you have to say for yourself? Do you at least regret the way that you and your brother behaved?”

“Me? What do you have to say for yourself?” I asked, shifting awkwardly on the worn leather couch. “Why would you think that I’d want to see him?” He sighed.

“Truthfully, I didn’t know what you wanted. I’ll admit that I let him in for selfish reasons of my own,” he explained vaguely.

“What do you mean?” I questioned, suspicion written all over my face.

“I don’t want you repeating this because it wasn’t very professional of me,” he sighed again before taking his glasses off and rubbing his eyes. “I made a deal with your brother. It was easy, really, because he was so desperate to see you. I already agreed to let him visit you once every two weeks as long as he comes to talk with me twice a week.”

I stared at him flabbergasted. The fact that Kieran would agree to see a shrink twice a week, considering he’d never been to one before, was surprising enough. Even more so was the fact that it had been Don’s idea.

“Why would you want to see him twice a week?” I asked utterly confused.

“To be honest, I felt a little bad for him, he was very insistent about seeing you. Moreover, I think he needs the help more than you do.” When he said that my eyes widened so much I’m surprised they didn’t fall out of my head. It was the first time that anyone has ever acknowledged that Kieran was more fucked up than me.

“So…now I have to see him every two weeks? What if that’s not what I want?” I asked, at a loss for what to say or do. I stood up and started pacing in the small space between the couch and Don who was sitting in his holier-than-thou shrink chair. “Did you even consider how I’d feel about it?”

“Of course I considered how you feel. Why do you think I didn’t search the stuff that Kieran brought for you?” I paused, not knowing what to make of that. Did he somehow know that Kieran had brought in ‘illicit goods’? “Besides, I don’t think he’d willingly come in to talk to me if he didn’t get something in return.”

“Don’t you think free therapy is enough? What more can you give someone who’s as whacked out of their mind as he is?” I exclaimed before flopping back down on the couch noisily. I fidgeted dramatically making the leather of the couch squeal. Don didn’t look amused but refrained from saying as much.

“I’m sorry Salem. If you feel this strongly about it, I’ll ask him to stop coming.”

“Oh well I...uh...I don’t know,” I mumbled. For some reason his words instantly made me freeze up. Was I somehow scared that I wouldn’t get to see him in two weeks even though I’d just learnt of this arrangement?

“You hesitated, which leads me to believe that you really do want to see your brother,” Don remarked before jotting something down in his notebook.

“I guess I don’t know what I want. I mean, sure, it’s nice to see a familiar face – especially his – but I’m also being visited by him in a nut house which makes me feel somewhat uneasy. Especially considering he’s the reason why I’m here and he gets to roam free and enjoy his twisted life.” I said it bitterly and was surprised to hear a bark of laughter come from Don.

“Is that what you think?” he asked with a look I could only describe as mirth. I nodded slowly. “Look Salem, while it may be true that your parents are troubled about your relationship with Kieran, this is not their main reason for sending you here. They’re very concerned about your self-destructive lifestyle. They’re worried that you’ll end up killing yourself or hurting somebody. Your relationship with Kieran was like a footnote on their list of concerns. They want you to get better.”

I stared at him for a few long moments, not knowing how to respond. It was hard to believe that the people who treated me like hired help my whole life were suddenly so concerned about my well being. Besides, my parents are extremely good actors. I didn’t trust what Don was saying and I didn’t trust myself to respond to that, so instead I swiftly changed the subject.

“What happened to me in D-Lot?” I demanded. Don looked startled at my abruptness but the look was quickly replaced by one of mild dismay.

“Don’t sound so suspicions Salem. You were definitely sedated and this is why you can’t remember anything,” he said before falling quiet. I watched him expectantly but the silence only continued to stretch.

“I was definitely sedated? That’s all you have to say? What happened while I was out?” I asked; a feeling of paranoia creeping over me. How could he say something so unexpected yet still be non-chelant about it?

“We’ve done nothing out of the ordinary. The doctors working D-Lot completed a physical on you which is standard procedure for anyone entering the ward. They also monitored your brain waves using a type of therapy that projects certain sounds and images which make the parts of your brain react in different ways. The results were rather interesting.”

“Yeah, sounds perfectly ordinary,” I cut in but he ignored me.

“The sounds we played for you were random; however, the noises that we classify under the ‘fear and pain’ category had a distinctly different impression on you.”

“How so?”

“When these sounds played the part of your brain which controls arousal became extremely active,” he explained vaguely.

“I don’t understand...”

“It seems that you are aroused, perhaps not always sexually, by things that most people find distasteful, based on this particular test. It was a very interesting discovery and it coincides with your self-destructive lifestyle. You’re unable to feel pleasure unless it involves something...more unsavory. It proved that you’ve been hurting yourself in order to feel pleasure in areas of your life where that would otherwise be impossible. Do you understand?” he asked.

“So basically I’m a masochist?”

“Not quite. Masochism is defined as a condition in which sexual gratification depends on suffering, physical pain, and humiliation. You on the other hand need to inflict or receive pain in order to feel gratification in any thing you do, not just sexual. I suspect this is why you seem to have no sympathy for other people, as you like to make people feel bad with your actions or words. Keep in mind that this is only a theory based on a test that was done while you were not lucid. I’ve also based this theory on your social skills and interactions with other people, myself included. If I can be completely honest, your case is the most exciting that I’ve ever had the pleasure of working on,” he finished triumphantly.

“That’s not saying much considering you barely look old enough to be a doctor anyways,” I shot at him. “Besides, I don’t see what can be gained by this knowledge. I don’t want to be your fucking lab rat and I really don’t fucking appreciate you doing tests on me while I’m unconscious.”

“There is no need to become hostile, Salem. The more we know about your mental condition the better we are able to treat you and once we treat you, you’ll be able to go home,” he explained calmly. However I was still wound up and couldn’t seem to be able to sit properly so I abruptly stood up. I unclenched my hands and tried to calm myself. I paced back and forth several times and eventually collapsed back onto the couch.

“You seem agitated; what are you feeling right now?” Don asked while scribbling in his notepad. He was acting like my sudden hostility was merely just another topic to discuss. Why couldn’t he understand why I feel the way I do? Doctors are supposed to be smart so I didn’t understand why he wasn’t ‘getting’ me.

“I feel...angry, annoyed...I feel like I’ve been exploited and taken advantage of. Never in a million years would I have thought I’d wind up in a mental institution and end up being tested on against my will. I’m a fucking person, not an animal - don’t you need some kind of permission...I just...it feels so wrong,” I replied seriously retaining eye contact. It was probably one of the most sincere things I’d said to him. His eyes flickered behind his black Buddy Holly glasses but eventually he returned my look with one of contemplation.

“I’m sorry Salem. I don’t know what to say; on one hand I agree with you, but on the other hand there is a possible psychiatric breakthrough on the line. In this situation I’d have to say I’m guilty of being unethical,” he explained reasonable. I stared at him dumbfounded. What he said was so totally bizarre and truthfully twisted that I didn’t even know how to respond. Right now unethical was barely scraping the surface.

“Whatever man; I think you’re totally whack. You are completely unqualified to be doing what you’re doing. This place is more like a prison that’s been mixed up with a drug testing evil laboratory or something,” I said, completely dead pan. He looked startled for a moment before regaining his composure.

“Why would you choose to say...drug testing?” he asked cautiously.

“Because that’s how it seems...” I replied slowly trying to decipher his strange change in attitude.

“Well, that’s preposterous,” he stated simply.

“I don’t think it is. Judging by the cocktail of drugs that you people have my roommate on, I’d have to think otherwise,” I challenged. Don was looking increasingly more uncomfortable.

“Lucius isn’t my patient and so it is not my place to pass judgment on the doctor in charge of his case. I’m sure the medication that he is on is for his own good,” he paused, I didn’t interject. “Anyways, I think we should end our session early today. We keep jumping back and forth and we’re accomplishing nothing.” He announced it with a flourish, quickly standing up and waiting impatiently for me to follow. “Come, I’ll walk you back to the ward,” he explained while ushering me out of his office and into the hallway. I followed silently, contemplative.

After walking through the maze of hallways we finally stopped at the outer door into M9. Don punched in the pass code, and swiped his ID card before the doors would open. He followed me into the ward, closing the self-locking door behind him. As we approached the nurse up ahead he stopped me by gently grabbing my arm.

“Wait Salem, before you go I have something for you,” he explained, reaching into his blazer pocket and pulling out an envelope with my name on it. I recognized the writing as being Kieran’s immediately and as I took the envelope in my hand a strange feeling passed over me. “He wanted me to give it to you, and no, I didn’t read it,” he added the last part with a smile; a slightly twisted smile, but a smile non-the-less.

“Thanks,” I responded absently seeming to completely disregard our previous conversation so that I could be alone to tear open this envelope and...and...why am I feeling this way? Suddenly so desperate to see his writing and read his words and...and...totally disregarding the huge fight we had only a few days ago.

“I’ll see you next week Salem. Behave,” Don cut into my thoughts before abruptly turning to leave. I didn’t bother saying good-bye and I said nothing to the nurse as I walked to the common room. I didn’t pay any attention to anyone in the common room despite Kat’s attempt to talk to me and a few others’ curious glances. I moved swiftly down the hallway and as soon as I’d entered our room I tore the envelope open.

I barely acknowledged Lucius as I made my way to my bed. As I pulled the letter from the envelope something fell out onto the floor. When I bent to pick it up I realized it was a picture; although what it was a picture of I didn’t know. I slowly turned it around and paused, feeling a sharp emotion...something strike me. I stared at the picture, of my brother and a pretty, petite, brown-haired girl. I looked at it for a moment feeling confused and most of all, most surprisingly, hurt. I dropped the picture face down onto the floor and unfolded the letter and began to read...


Salem,

I’m really sorry about our fight the other day; I was hoping you’d be happier to see me. I don’t want you to be mad at me; I don’t think I could stand it if you were. I was worried about you but Dr. Savage said that you’re fine and I hope he’s right. There are a lot of things I wanted to talk to you about the other day but you didn’t give me a chance. What I really wanted to tell you was about Aubrey. I guess you saw the picture.

I met her at Dad’s golf club a few months before you went away. We were mostly friends but once you were sent away we got closer; we’ve been dating ever since. I really like her and I hope you’ll be happy that I found someone else who interests me as much as you. She’s here in the city with me, she left home with me and we really like living alone together. I didn’t lie about the place though – there really are a bunch of freaks living here. I talk about you to her all the time and I hope you can meet someday. I think I might love her. Crazy, right?

Anyways, I thought you’d want to know. I figured it would make you happy and I felt bad about the other day; I didn’t mean to hurt you. I’m really sorry for everything I’ve put you through and I hope someday you could forgive me. I know now that I was deluded in my thinking that I could get you to feel the same way as I did. I think Aubrey helped me to learn that I can feel that way about other people too. You always told me that I would find someone else and I think maybe I have. Please be happy.

I love you more than any brother should love their brother but I don’t care. I miss you painfully and hope you’ll want to see me again in a few weeks.

Kieran


I gripped the page in my hand, re-reading the note several times. I wasn’t ready to admit it but I was hurt – incredibly hurt. As much as I tried to fight it silent tears made their way down my face. I vaguely heard Lucius shut the door behind me before I shakily sunk onto the edge of the bed. I covered my face with my hands, trying to regain control of myself. I don’t know why, suddenly, I felt this way but it was an undeniable pain in my chest. It felt like my heart had broken. At that thought I cried harder, realizing that maybe I was wrong to think that our relationship was wrong at all. I’d always thought it was, and I’d always hoped he would move on but now that he has...I feel betrayed somehow. Was I in love with him the entire time all the while assuming that it was the other way around?

“Salem...” Lucius said from beside me. I didn’t respond and I could hear, than feel, him move to sit beside me on my bed. I managed to get my emotions under control but I still kept my face hidden in my hands. I felt him rest his hand lightly on my back but other than that we were silent for a while. Eventually he started to fidget, and then speak.

“Are you...alright?” he asked when I finally started to calm down. It was a hell of a question really because of course I wasn’t alright. I felt very far from alright. I felt like my world just crashed in on me at the realization that not only did Kieran find someone else but that maybe I did feel the same way he did. The prospect of that scared me the shit out of me.

“Uh yeah,” I mumbled eventually before pulling my hands away from my face. I didn’t look Lucius in the eye before pushing him away enough so that I could stand up. I moved past him feeling his concerned gaze on me the entire time until I shut the bathroom door behind me. I moved to sit at the side of the tub before removing the back of the toilet tank and removing its contents. My hands were much too shaky to roll a joint so I popped the cap off the vile of cocaine and dumped the entirety of the white powder into my left palm. I put my hand to my face and snorted until my hand was clean. The chemical taste immediately filled my sinus but moments later I forgot about it as my face began to feel numb. After that I just sunk to the floor where tears started streaming down my face and snot running down my chin.

I cried for a while, mostly out of self pity as I couldn’t really focus on any specific emotion that I was feeling. I quickly began to feel better - the effects of the coke muddling my brain, and most importantly, smothering the deep pain in my chest. After everything that had happened between us I was completely shocked at my recent reactions. I didn’t even know what I had to be upset about. For the last five or more years I’d always hoped he’d find someone else and stop pressuring me; yet now I felt like he abandoned me which was the last thing that I’d expected. I mean, it isn’t like we were in a relationship. If we were than I was completely unfaithful. When I really thought about it, Kieran never was. I don’t even think he’d slept with anyone else which is why I figured I was so upset. It’s like I’m dependant on his dependence on me...but now he’s found someone else and I’m...I feel so...alone.

This was a situation that I thought I had wanted and yet at the same time it felt like a living nightmare. I ran my hands over my face in an attempt to clear my thoughts before climbing back to my feet. I suddenly had way too much energy to be sitting on the floor. I paced the small bathroom several times before stopping in front of the sink. As soon as I’d gotten a look at myself I turned the tap on and splashed water over my face, erasing the power caking my nose. After drying myself off I took another look in the mirror and was not surprised to see bloodshot eyes staring back at me. I looked pale and malnourished. My cheeks looked sunken in and my hair was flat and lifeless, hanging around my face in a knotted mess. I looked away feeling indifferent about my negative transformation over the last few months.

I moved back to the toilet and put everything back in its hiding spot; keeping out an ecstasy pill which I dry swallowed immediately. I lit a cigarette, stuffed the rest of the pack into my back pocket and returned the lid over the back of the toilet. I paced several times before yanking the door open and walking back into the room. Lucius looked up surprised yet neither of us said anything right away. I sat back down on my bed, feeling fidgety and restless. I stared across at Lucius until his eyes finally locked on mine.

“I saw your picture. Cute girl,” was all he said after a long stretch of the two of us just staring at each other.

“Fuck you,” I replied miserably. I dropped the ash of my smoke on the floor and brought it back to my mouth. Lucius looked on with a certain level of disdain.

“But I thought...didn’t you say...” he stopped, seeming to have a hard time finding the right words. He was probably referring to the conversation we’d had before about Kieran.

“I know. I think maybe I was wrong,” I said simply. He looked as surprised as I felt as soon as those words had left my mouth. We stared at each other for a moment.

“I’m sorry,” he said slowly as if he didn’t completely comprehend. “So...what are you going to do now that he’s found someone else?” he asked, proving that he really did comprehend my situation. I took another drag from my smoke before dropping the butt to the ground where it continued to smolder.

“I don’t know, there isn’t much I can do in here,” I replied while standing up. I paced the room for a moment before moving to my dresser and removing my markers from the case in the top drawer. I moved back to my bed and dropped the supplies on the sheets. I could feel Lucius watching me as I climbed up onto my bed and kneeled facing the wall at the head of my bed. I uncapped a black sharpie and started using it like a pencil to sketch on the white wall.

“Do you think she’s nicer than you?” Lucius asked while watching me curiously.

“Of course she is, are you kidding?” I remarked surprised. I glanced over at him but he merely shrugged. We fell into a somewhat comfortable silence for the next half hour. I continued to sketch on the wall, my arm growing tired but I ignored it. By the time I had finished the E had started to kick in and I tried desperately to stop clenching my jaw. I collapsed backwards on my bed, whacking my head off the railing in the process. I uttered a quiet ‘ow’ out of instinct but really I’d barely felt it at all.

“You okay?” Lucius asked. He was standing at the side of my bed looking down at me. I didn’t respond and his attention went to the wall above us. “That’s really great,” he commented, “which are you?” he asked pointing toward the panther and wolf I’d sketched on the wall. I made it look as though they were fighting, with the wolf winning the battle.

“The panther,” I responded, surprised at his insight. “Can I draw you?” I asked gesturing to his side of the room.

“As an animal?” he asked, sounding slightly excited.

“Yeah, what do you think?” I asked lighting another cigarette. My hands were shaking slightly but drawing was the one thing I could do no matter what condition I was in. I was especially interested in drawing animals that remind me of people. I could get tens of animals to represent a single person depending on the different facets of their personalities. Lucius definitely reminded me of a certain animal a majority of the time.

“I think that’d be really cool,” he responded smiling. He looked like a different person when he smiled and I had to force myself to look away as I gathered my markers and made my way to his bed. I kneeled facing the wall and uncapped a brown marker. I could feel his eyes on me from my side of the room as I started to draw lines across the wall. My cigarette hung from the corner of my mouth, occasionally dropping ashes onto his bed.

I took more care in drawing Lucius – using a variety of colours instead of just black. The lines were much neater and by the time I’d finished, nearly and hour had gone by. When I was finished I moved off of the bed, half-heartedly brushing the ashes off his sheets. Lucius stood and moved so that he was standing next to me. He stared at the wall for a moment, a look of indifference flashed across his face.

“A deer?” he questioned.

“No, it’s a fawn. Baby deer,” I explained looking over my drawing. It was way cuter than anything I usually drew. I made the fawn look as innocent as possible with big eyes and a front leg slightly bent off the ground. Its feet rested in a pillow of grass and flowers and I even surrounded the fawn with several small butterflies.

“It’s good but I just don’t get it,” he said confused.

“It’s what you remind me of,” I explained, “an innocent baby deer. You ever heard the expression ‘deer caught in the headlights’?” he nodded his affirmation. “Well, that’s how you look to me.”

“Oh,” he said sounding unsure.

“It’s not a bad thing,” I said hesitantly.

“That’s okay, I like it. Thanks Salem,” he reassured before doing something totally unexpected. He hugged me.

I stood still for a moment before wrapping my arms around him. He seemed to be clutching to me in some way so I simply waited, resting my chin on the top of his head. Finally he moved away from me, looking slightly embarrassed.

“I’m glad you’re my friend,” he offered shyly.

“Me too, Lucius.”

“I think...that you’re cuter than that girl,” he said while looking at the ground at his feet. His cheeks were stained pink and I couldn’t help but smile.

“Thanks,” I replied awkwardly, unsure of what he really meant by saying that. I refrained from saying any of the things that had popped into my head. I turned around in order to put my markers away; trying to ignore his weird behaviour. As I returned the markers to their case I noticed a pair of scissors glimmering at the bottom of the container. I grabbed at them happily. “Hey, you want to help me cut my hair?” I asked him, completely eliminating any previous awkwardness. He perked up slightly before nodding and following me into the washroom.

“I guess like this length,” I explained while chopping off a large section of hair. We were gathered around the mirror and Lucius looked surprised at the large chunk of hair that fell into the sink. “I’ll do the front it you do the back?” I questioned.

“Yeah, it’s pretty short you know...” He replied, watching me cut my shoulder length hair down until it was barely a few inches.

“It’s better. I never liked it long anyways; Kieran did,” I said it as if it explained everything. It was true however and as I passed the scissors to Lucius I couldn’t help but think of all the things I’d done just to please Kieran. It felt like cutting my hair was a way for me to get away from all that. After a few more minutes of snipping, Lucius set the scissors down and inspected my head.

“It does look better,” he commented, ruffling my hair. “Will you do mine?” he asked.

“What? You want me to cut yours like this?” I asked surprised.

“Yeah, why not?”

“It’s too pretty...” I protested, looking over his pencil straight shoulder length white-blonde hair. It literally looked like silk and I could honestly say I’d never seen a girl with nicer hair than Lucius.

“I don’t want to look pretty. Please, Salem?” he practically begged. I silently gave in and picked up the scissors before turning him away from the mirror. I started to cut his hair and by the time I was done even though I didn’t cut it quite as short as mine on him it was a much more dramatic change. His hair was so naturally straight that now that it was short it stuck up everywhere at strange spiky angles. It seemed to really compliment the soft features of his face.

Before I realized what I was doing, I’d leaned forward and brushed my lips against his. I could feel his body tense beside me and before I had time to deepen whatever I had started he’d moved away from me. He acted as if nothing had happened as he looked at his reflection in the mirror. He was silently rubbing his hands through his hair and trying to avoid looking at me.

“It looks good, I like it,” he finally said, breaking the tense silence while simultaneously turning to look at me. We stared at each other for a moment, neither of us wanting to address what I did nor for which purposes.

“Thanks, I’m glad,” I replied honestly before adding, “look...I’m sorry about...” I couldn’t really find the words because I wasn’t sorry at all. I just didn’t want him to think that I was just taking advantage of the situation.

“It’s okay,” he replied with a shrug. He was looking at the ground nervously.

I decided not to respond and to let things be as they may. I didn’t know what to say anyways. I hadn’t meant to do it and I didn’t really know how I felt about it. We silently worked together to clean up the hair, dumping it all into the toilet before flushing it. I followed Lucius into our bedroom where I watched him go straight to his bed and pick up a book; he started reading it and no more words were exchanged between us that night.

Eventually I went to bed early; curling up under my covers and facing towards the wall. I had lay awake for a long time contemplating the past week...and foremost what I’d learnt today about Kieran. At one point I couldn’t help but shed a few silent tears at the thought that I had never appreciated Kieran when I had him. And now he’s gone...I feel so guilty. I never thought that I would be the one hurting. When I finally fell asleep, despite the drugs in my system and my racing thoughts, I did not dream and I didn’t ever want to wake up again...