You Don't Know Me

Michelle excitedly ran up the steps of Marcus’s apartment building the next day. She had tried to reach him by telephone all morning, but his phone had been busy. That was strange, because he had call waiting and DSL, so the only reason for a busy signal would be that the phone was off the hook.

As she arrived at the door, Michelle suddenly stopped. She had been so happy to hear the news from Sean that morning that she had totally blocked out her argument with Marcus the previous day. All she had thought about was telling him that things finally seemed to be moving in a good direction. Staring at the door for a moment, she chided herself. What had happened between them was insignificant compared to what she had to tell him. She lifted her hand and rapped hard on the door.

When Michelle heard no response, she checked her watch. Marcus didn’t have class until noon, so it was unlikely that he would be out of the apartment yet. “Maybe he just didn’t sleep well last night,” she thought with a rueful smile. After all, she had tossed and turned all night, thinking about their fight. She lifted her hand again to knock.

A moment later, Marcus threw open the door. He was in what he had worn the day before, and he looked awful. His eyes, with dark circles below them, seemed to still be adjusting to the light as he rubbed them. It was clear she had woken him, and Michelle felt her heart swell. “At least he felt as bad about the fight as I did,” she thought silently to herself.

“What?” Marcus said in an annoyed tone. “Didn’t you say everything you had to say to me yesterday?”

Taken aback by his abrupt manner, Michelle faltered for a second. “I tried to call you this morning,” she finally said. “But your phone is off the hook or something. I wanted to tell you the good news.” Without saying anything, Marcus stood aside to let Michelle in through the doorway. Michelle couldn’t help but notice that the bed was still made, although a bit messy, as if Marcus had just climbed on top of the covers and gone to sleep the night before.

“What kind of good news can there possibly be?” Marcus asked, sitting down on the bed. His head was pounding, and for some reason, seeing Michelle was making him feel downright irate. He willed himself to calm down and pull himself together. “Sorry, I just don’t feel very good right now. What’s up?”

Marcus’s apology settled Michelle a little, but not much. She remained standing, feeling like she wasn’t invited to take a seat on the bed just then. “Well, I spoke to Sean this morning,” she told Marcus. “It looks like Luke’s going to get nailed. For everything.”

Wanting to feel relief, Marcus was still wary. “How is that possible?” he asked. “I know that asshole wouldn’t have admitted to what he did.”

“Alex,” Michelle said. “Apparently, he felt like Luke was going to try to pin Janette’s rape on him, so he just ratted him out completely. Based on what he told the police, they were able to get a search warrant last night, and they found physical evidence at his place.”

“What kind of physical evidence?” Marcus rubbed his temple and wished the pain would just go away for a minute. “I thought the hospital said that whoever raped Janette had worn a condom.”

“He did,” Michelle explained. “But the idiot apparently rushed back to his car after he raped her, and took off the condom in there. He got some DNA from Janette on his pants, and he was too stupid to wash them yet. They were just sitting on top of his hamper. It takes a few days to get definite DNA results, but early testing says it’s the evidence they need. Plus, there’s more. Guess what they found in his pocket?” Marcus shook his head, annoyed that Michelle was acting like this was a guessing game. “Two more of the roofies that he gave to Alex.”

“So, how did Alex fit into all this?” Marcus asked, his brows furrowed in confusion.

“Apparently,” Michelle seemed to be trying to recount the story she had gotten from Sean. “Luke had Alex drug Janette and lead her out into the parking lot, where Luke was waiting for them. The cops believe Alex’s story that he thought this was where everything was going to end, that this was just going to be Luke’s way of scaring Janette into not testifying. But then Luke ended up raping Janette after Alex left, and told him the next day. Alex thought Luke had gone too far, and threatened to go to the police, but Luke told him that if he did, he would say it was all Alex.”

“Oh my God,” Marcus replied. “So, they’re pretty sure they’ve got him. What happens next, then?”

“Sean says that the DA told him Alex made a deal in return for his cooperation bringing down Luke,” Michelle explained. “He’s going to do some time for drugging Janette, as well as some time for taking part in the attack on Sean. It’ll probably be less than two years, but at least it’s something.”

“And Luke?” Marcus asked.

“Well, he just got charged last night,” Michelle said. “But now it looks like he’s facing a hate crime charge with two eyewitnesses, and a drugging and rape charge. He’s going away for a very long time.”

“That’s so good to hear,” Marcus replied with less enthusiasm than Michelle had expected.

“Are you okay, Marcus?” Michelle asked gently. “You’re acting sort of… off.”

Shaking his head, Marcus could feel the morning-after guilt building in him along with his headache, and it just made him feel angry. “Well, this is all good news,” he said gruffly. “But it still doesn’t change what happened between us yesterday.”

Taking a seat on the bed, Michelle looked at Marcus with confusion. “We had a fight,” Michelle told him. “You’ve been doing so much for everyone lately, you seem to have forgotten about yourself. So you flew off the handle with Peter’s dad yesterday, but no one died. It’ll be okay. And you and I… we were just stressed, and took it out on each other. But now, things are going to get better. I mean, Peter and Maura have told everyone they need to about the pregnancy. Luke and Alex have been arrested. Everything is falling back into place finally.”

Rubbing his forehead, Marcus stood up. “Everything’s not falling into place just yet, for me at least,” he told Michelle, crossing the room to the garbage pail. Lifting the cover, he pulled out the empty bottle of vodka and walked back towards Michelle. “I lost it,” he said, sounding frighteningly devoid of emotion. “I drank almost all of a bottle of vodka last night, nullifying being clean for almost three fucking years.”

Tears filling her eyes, Michelle stood up. “Oh Marcus,” she said softly, feeling sorry for him. “It’s going to be okay. You made a mistake, but you can get past this.”

“You don’t fucking get it,” Marcus yelled, making Michelle jump back. “This wasn’t just a mistake. I CAN’T fuck up! I’m not someone who has that right anymore! And you just don’t get it!” Overcome with disgust for himself, Marcus chucked the empty bottle across the room, where it shattered against the wall.

“Marcus!” Michelle exclaimed in surprise, tears of fear filling her eyes, but she pushed on. “I know it feels like that right now, but it’s not true. You can get past this.”

Looking at Michelle, Marcus just shook his head. “You DON’T know how it feels,” he said in a cold voice. “You’ll never know, just like I’ll never know how it feels to be you.” He paused, sighing deeply. “I think it’s best if we just end things now, before we get in any deeper.”

Biting her lip, Michelle couldn’t stop the tears from pouring down over her cheeks. “Is that what you really want?” she asked softly.

Looking away and crossing his arms over his chest, Marcus nodded. “Yeah,” he told her. “It is.”

Wiping her face with her hands, Michelle took a deep breath. “Okay,” she tried to keep the shaking out of her voice. “Okay, if that’s what you want, fine. But don’t say you want to do it before we get in any deeper. I have loved you with every fiber of my being; I gave you my heart, my body, and my soul. There is no deeper than this. Don’t be a coward about that; just say you don’t want to be with me anymore.”

Turning to face her, Marcus saw the wounded look in Michelle’s eyes and couldn’t do it. His eyes dropped to the floor instead, and he said nothing.

“Fine,” Michelle started walking to the door. “Take the coward’s way out.” She stormed out and slammed the door behind her, running down the stairs as fast as she could. Jogging across the parking lot, she let herself into her car and closed the door. Then she began sobbing uncontrollably, tears staining her face, finding it hard to even breathe. Michelle was pretty sure she could even feel her own heart breaking in her chest.

-----

Marcus lay in bed for several hours, wide-awake. He wasn’t going to class, and at least he wasn’t scheduled for work that day. Some water and some aspirin had helped to subside his headache, but physical pain of any kind seemed preferential at this point to what he was actually feeling.

“I have nothing left,” Marcus said to himself. “I fucked up my sobriety, I scared the life out of Peter, and I broke up with Michelle. Everything that mattered to me is gone now.”

But thinking like this was no good, Marcus knew. This was the sort of thinking that would lead into a downward spiral of continued usage. So, utilizing all his energy, both physical and mental, Marcus forced himself out of bed. He hung the phone back on the hook, straightened the bed, cleaned the shattered glass, and then headed into the bathroom to take a shower.

As Marcus emerged from the shower, he heard the phone ringing. Thinking it might be Janette – or even Michelle – he dove for it. As it turned out, it was Brigitte. “I just talked to Sean,” Brigitte’s voice came eagerly over the line. “Isn’t this so great?”

“Yeah,” Marcus said, trying to push the sad tone out of his voice. “I’m sorry anything ever happened in the first place, but I’m so glad Sean and Janette get vindication for what happened to them.”

“What’s going on?” Brigitte replied suddenly. “What’s wrong?”

Brigitte sometimes knew Marcus better than he would have liked. “A lot is wrong,” he admitted, sinking back into the bed. “I beat the hell out of Peter’s father yesterday. And I fell off the wagon last night. And I broke up with Michelle this morning.”

“Holy shit,” Brigitte said, shocked to receive all those revelations at once. “What… how… why…?”

Shaking his head, Marcus finally allowed himself to feel all the pain that had built up. “I don’t know,” he said, his voice strained. “Because I’m a fuck up? Because I’m meant to hurt all the most important people around me?” Tears were now streaming down his face. How had he done this? How had he managed to make so many mistakes in such a small period of time?

“Stop feeling sorry for yourself,” Brigitte said in a no-nonsense tone that made Marcus perk up just a little. “You are responsible for all the stuff you’ve done wrong, but these things aren’t irreversible… necessarily. After all, there’s no way to have NOT beat up Peter’s father at this point, but you can still deal with Peter. And you just start again with the sobriety. You just start from square one, and move on from there. You did it once, I know you can do it again”

“And Michelle?” Marcus asked in the hopeful voice of a small child.

Sighing, Brigitte didn’t know what to say. “I don’t know what happened between you two,” she admitted. “And I don’t know what your relationship has been like recently. I just don’t know.”

Nodding even though Brigitte could not see him, Marcus sighed. “I know,” he replied. “But you’re right about the other two things. I’ll just have to see how it goes with Michelle, I guess.”

“That sounds like a good idea,” Brigitte told him. “But I’ll tell you what. We’ll come home from Syracuse this weekend and be there for you. I remember how hard all this atonement and going straight stuff was for you the first time. Your friends want to be there for you.”

“We?” Marcus felt a small smile teasing his lips for the first time that day. “Who exactly is we? Brigitte, is Troy in Syracuse right now?”

Silence followed the question for a moment before Marcus heard a very small “yes” come out in reply. “He took off a semester, and we got an apartment together. But no one knows,” Brigitte said. “We weren’t just hiding it from you. We didn’t want to tell my parents or his parents or anyone yet. We wanted to see how we would get along, living together, before we told anyone.”

“And?” Marcus pushed.

“And I’m completely in love with Troy,” Brigitte said softly.

“That’s so great,” Marcus told Brigitte genuinely. “Congratulations. And thank you so much for coming here this weekend. It will help so much to have you two here.”

“Okay, then,” Brigitte told Marcus. “Troy and I will call you Friday night as soon as we’re on the Island, okay?”

“Okay,” Marcus said. “And Brigitte? Thanks. I love you, and Troy too.”

“We love you,” Brigitte replied, biting on her thumb nail as she hung up. It sounded like Marcus had hit bottom almost as hard as he had a few years earlier, and that was scary. Brigitte just hoped she and Troy, along with Marcus’s other friends, could help him find his way back up again.

-----

Peter allowed Marcus to apologize at work the next night, and seemed to appreciate how badly Marcus felt for his actions. Michelle, however, wouldn’t answer any of Marcus’s repeated messages. He couldn’t blame her, however he did wish he could just apologize for the horrible things he had said to her.

Troy and Brigitte’s visit did help Marcus, as he didn’t feel alone. In fact, he was beginning to feel energized. He really wasn’t craving alcohol or drugs, so it was easy to restart his route to sobriety. He threw himself into work and school; he spent time with Janette and Seamus, Peter and Maura, and Sean and Tony. He tried not to ask anyone anything about Michelle, as he didn’t want to put them in awkward situations. Still, he thought about her all the time.

Finally, one night a week before Thanksgiving, while watching a movie with Sean and Tony in his apartment, Marcus couldn’t help but blurt something out. “I don’t want to put you guys in the middle,” he said quickly. “But how is Michelle? I haven’t heard anything about her in so long.”

Sean gave Marcus a sympathetic look. “She’s doing just fine,” Sean told him. “She’s working, getting in college applications for next fall, and hanging out. She was really sad when you guys first broke up, but I think she’s gotten past that finally. She’s… she’s good.” He said that last sentence like it hurt to say that, because what he was really telling Marcus was that Michelle was doing okay without him.

“You don’t have to sound like that,” Marcus gave Sean a small grin. “I want her to be doing okay. I’m the one that fucked up, not her. I want her to be incredibly happy in whatever she does in her life.”

“She will be,” Sean said reassuringly. “But, and this is just my opinion, I think you should at least allow yourself some satisfaction in regards to Michelle’s happiness. I don’t think she would have had the courage or determination to do the great things I’m sure she is going to do in her life if she had never met you.”

Tears were glassing over Marcus’s eyes. “Thanks, Sean,” he said, feeling a lump form in his throat. “That means a lot to me to hear.”

-----

Peter and Maura’s wedding took place the weekend before Valentine’s Day, although both of them denied choosing the date based on the holiday. It was going to be a very small affair in Maura’s parent’s house, and Maura, already six months pregnant, would wear a simple blue dress instead of a standard wedding dress.

Michelle knew Peter would be there. Not because Sean and Tony had told her, or because Peter had stammered and stuttered when he called to invite her, but because for all the ways Marcus had hurt her at the end of their relationship, Michelle knew he wouldn’t disappoint Peter on this very important day.

“Hi,” Marcus approached Michelle in the living room nervously. “I, um, I… long time no see, huh?” he finished lamely, groaning to himself. How could it be this hard to say a simple hello to a person who, if only for a brief time, had known him better than anyone else in the world?

“Hi, Marcus,” Michelle looked nervous, but also bemused by Marcus’s uncharacteristic socially-challenged greeting. “How are you doing?”

“I’m fine,” Marcus said, looking around the room. “So, it looks like things are going to turn out okay for Peter and Maura, huh?”

Nodding, Michelle took a sip of her soda. “It’s not going to be easy,” she replied. “But they are going to put their all into trying to make their relationship work. That’s all two people can ever do in the end if they want to stay together, right?” As she said the words, Michelle’s eyes glassed over and her voice cracked.

“Michelle,” Marcus reached for Michelle’s arm as he felt a lump form in his stomach. “I never got to say how sorry I was for how I treated you…”

Shaking her head, Michelle wiped her eyes with one hand. “I know, Marcus,” she generously said. “And it was a really hard time for everyone, with everything that was going on. I don’t hate you; I never could.”

Watching her, Marcus was overcome with memories of their time together. There was such a large part of him that wanted to grab her and pull her into his arms, but he no longer had the right to do that. “Michelle, do you think-”

But Michelle cut him off. “I heard you got into SUNY,” she said. “Sean told me. Congratulations.” A confused look passed over Marcus’s face, so Michelle went on. “I, um, I got in Stanford. Full scholarship and everything. My parents are psyched. I’m going there at the start of summer, to establish myself a little before school starts.”

“Oh,” Marcus’s eyes grew wide. “Stanford? Wow, that’s… that’s amazing. Congratulations. So you’re leaving… for California…?”

“In three months,” Michelle nodded, not meeting Marcus’s eyes. “I finally feel like I’m ready to take a chance like this, to try to really do something good. I finally have the courage to try to become the sort of person that I have always wanted to be.”

“Well,” Marcus tried to pull himself together as best he could. “Well, um, I really hope you like it there. Good luck with everything. But I have to, um, I have to go,” Marcus quickly turned and moved his way into the bathroom. He locked the door behind him and let himself cry. It had been so much easier, over the past three months, to not be with Michelle if he never saw her. Now, seeing her for ten minutes, he was balling like a little girl because she was moving.

“Marcus?” A knock came at the door a moment later. Recognizing Michelle’s voice, Marcus quickly ran the water and splashed it on his face. “Marcus, let me in.”

Michelle heard a click and slowly the door opened. She entered the bathroom and relocked the door behind her. “Don’t do this again,” Michelle said, hurt in her voice. “Don’t be too cowardly to say what you’re really feeling.”

“Ouch,” Marcus said, biting his lip. “Harsh.”

“Harsh?” Michelle’s eyes widened. “No, that wasn’t harsh. Now, getting dumped by the only man you ever loved for bullshit reasons, that’s harsh. This is just honest.”

Looking her determined face over, Marcus couldn’t help but smile. She had the same fire now that had attracted him when he first met her, but it no longer came from a place of fear. Now, Michelle drew her passion from a good place, a strong place within herself where she finally understood what an amazing person she was. And for some reason, that brought a peace to Marcus.

“I can’t begin to tell you how sorry I am for how I treated you when we broke up,” Marcus began. “I have no reasons, no excuses. I wish I had treated like you deserved to be treated, but it’s too late for that now. So I’m just going to say that I hope it’s not wrong to feel just a tiny bit proud, hearing you talk like this. I hope that, somehow, being with me wasn’t a complete waste of time for you, and maybe even that I might have helped push you towards this… But what I really want to say is that I hope you set the world on fire, Michelle. You are the most amazing human being I have ever had the privilege of knowing, and you are going to do great things. Also, I want you to know that there’s a part of me that will always love you.”

The tears that filled Michelle’s eyes were the same color as her eyes at that moment, soft and almost transparently blue. “Thank you, Marcus,” her voice shook. “And whatever I do in my life, good and bad, will always be influenced by the time I spent with you, the time when I finally began liking who I am. So, thank you… And of course, a big part of me is always going to love you, too. You were my first love, my first time, my first everything.”

Nodding, Marcus swallowed hard. “Goodbye, Michelle,” he said, putting out his arms.

“Goodbye, Marcus,” Michelle moved into his embrace. They stood there, hugging like that, for several minutes, before finally disentangling themselves and leaving.

OKAY, ONE MORE CHAPTER LEFT (ACTUALLY, THE EPILOGUE). THANKS AGAIN FOR FOLLOWING, AND I REALLY WOULD LIKE TO HEAR OF WHAT YOU THINK OF THE STORY.