Gravity of Love

God, another day and I wished I didn't have to face it. With a whimper I sat up in bed and looked over to see that Ren's side of the bed was empty. Every move I made me winch in pain and it served as a nasty reminder of the previous night. Being dragged across the concrete, fucked raw and then tossed aside like a piece of meat tended to leave a mark. And not just the physical kind; the wonderful wounds that Ren left me last night wouldn't be healing anytime soon. I wished I could just stay in bed and rest my body but I knew it wasn't an option just in case Ren was still home. I'd have to get up and face the reality of the next day whether I wanted to or not. Besides, if I were in bed when Ren came in I'm sure things would become worse than they already are. I wanted to avoid anything that would bring his wrath down on me like yesterday. Not like it would truly matter since right now everything I do seems to piss him off. Something's definitely going on with him and I'm sure it goes beyond that night I spent with Mannix. But why the hell am I worrying about his problems?

With a heavy sigh I slowly stood up, already missing the cool satin sheets and I limped into the bathroom. I went in front of the mirror and turned my head this way and that, checking for any major bruises—my vanity refusing to die—but my body was covered with purple and sickly blue spots along my arms, chest and legs. I'm sure if Ren could see me right now he'd go on and on about how fucking beautiful I was. I saw my reflection with pale skin, colorful bruises and sad eyes staring mournfully back at me. Funny, but I didn't find this image beautiful at all.

I finally made my way into Ren's study and he wasn't there either. That was both good and bad news for me. Ren out of the house and away from me was always a good thing; the only bad thing about it was what type of mood would he be in when he got back? I turned on the small lamp on his computer desk and sat down on the leather love seat near by. I was becoming so tired of this runaround; one day he loves me and the next I'm nothing. To live how I do now would have been easier to handle if, at one time, I never experienced how his love could really be. When he truly took care of me and treated me like a lover. Now I was nothing more than a shell that he rode when he felt like it, petted when he was in a good mood and sold when he wanted a few extra bucks in his pocket.

This wasn't the life I ever imagined for myself. Come to think of it, I hadn't thought of much for myself at all since I met Ren. Ever since then it was only what he wanted or what he said was best for me. I'd do my best to be perfect for him and, even after the beatings started, I tried. I tried so fucking hard. But I guess sooner or later I'd have to realize that it wasn't possible. Ren's love was just a mockery of what the real emotion was and I gave myself away for nothing.

My eyes began to burn and I felt the slow wet descent of tears down my cheeks and I tasted the salt on my lips. I sat there crying softly, mourning a life I would never have.

"Shit, Gavin. I haven't done anything to you yet and you're already crying? Am I that good?"

I jumped at Ren's voice and the loud slam of the study doors behind him. I wiped angrily at my face as Ren came over to the love seat next to me and he reached out to grab my wrist. He leaned in and licked along my cheeks, making me shiver.

"Don't wipe them away, love," he whispered softly, "you know I love to see you like this."

"I know," I muttered and snatched away from him. I finished wiping my face and looked everywhere in the room except at him. Ren gripped me by the jaw and yanked my face back, refusing to let me turn away—it seemed to be a habit of his lately.

"Still sad about last night?" he asked softly. His tone sounded so sincere and his green eyes had softened as he searched my face like he actually gave a damn. What he couldn't hide was that small grin on his face and all I could feel was this growing anger that felt like it was about to swallow me whole. If Ren had wanted me depressed, he should have just left me here and I would have sunk deeper into the nothingness that was my life. Now I looked in those eyes I once thought were the most beautiful things in the world; things worth letting my dreams shrink and die for and any chance of a real life I might have had slip away. I knew I was to blame for allowing myself to get this far but right now all of this pain and misery was his fault. All I did was let myself be fooled. Hell, I wanted to be fooled.

I glared at him, defiantly meeting his eyes and Ren's grin soon faded and then disappeared all together. He gripped my chin so tightly that I had to bite my lip to keep from crying out.

"Trying to show off now, are you?" Ren murmured but there was a dangerous softness to his voice.

"I'm not showing off," I replied coldly.

Ren's fingers slipped from my chin to my throat and I gasped as they tightened. "Then what exactly do you think you're doing?"

"I'm not doing anything," I whispered and grabbed for his hands to try and loosen his grip on me. I knew something like this would end up happening the moment I didn't react the way Ren wanted me to. He might get mad enough to hit me or choke me until I pass out but at this moment I didn't care. He couldn't do anything more to me than what he did last night; it was the floor that I couldn't fall through. If all he wanted was a body to take his aggression on, he would get it.

Ren shook me and I whimpered. "You certainly are doing something. A 'not-very-smart' something." His voice got lower. "A 'get-you-killed' something."

"Then kill me," I said, still squirming in his grip. Ren was a hundred percent right; what I was doing wasn't very smart all but since when have I done the smart thing? There was no way for me to know that his threat was a bluff; maybe he really wouldn't have a problem killing me. Maybe the fucker would even enjoy it. If I was wrong then this was it, but if I as right…..

"Kill me," I whispered.

The emotions running through Ren's face were too much for me to follow and I was amazed that someone like him could feel so much so quickly. I gagged as his hand tightened around my thin neck until I was gasping for air and just when I thought I was going to pass out, he let me go. He stood up and away from me and hit me so hard that it threw my head to the side and I fell off the love seat and to the floor, a crumbled heap. I tasted the blood in my mouth and couldn't help but pray that I still had all my teeth.

He grabbed me by the back of my head and yanked me back in a terrible angle and pushed his knee in my back, pulling my body back in a way it was never supposed to bend. I cried out and tried to find my static escape so I could tune out the beating but to my surprise I couldn't. I reached out blindly as the pain grew unbearable and I was almost sobbing. Ren leaned down and I felt his warm breath against my cheek and every word was dripping with venom.

"I can give it to you," he hissed, "and I'll make every second the worst you've ever felt."

He jabbed me in the back again with his knee and I reached back instinctively to pull at his arms and I knew my nails finally hit their target when I heard Ren hiss in pain and suddenly let me go. I fell forward on my face and I cursed myself for being so fucking suicidal. Forcing Ren's hand was a very very bad idea. Ren went to his knees and pushed me over on my back and I saw several bloody lines down Ren's arms, sign of the damage left by my nails. He saw where I was looking and chuckled.

"Are you trying to get me aroused, heart?" He purred and he lifted his arm to his mouth and lapped at the bleeding scratches.

"I-I'm trying to get you to stop!" I nearly shout.

Ren blinked as if he was genuinely confused. "Stop? Stop what? Giving you what you asked for?"

I sat up to put distance between us but he pushed my back against the loveseat and straddled my legs. One of his hands went for my throat while the other caressed my cheek. "You want me to kill you, love, and that's exactly what I'm going to do."

Shit, shit, shit! I thought I was going to call his bluff but he was making good on his threat and the first waves of panic rushed through me, making me think clearly.

"S-s-top," I croaked.

Ren smiled down at me and let go of my neck. He leaned forward as I gasped for air and he tilted his head to the side as if he was suddenly having trouble with his hearing. "Eh? What's that?"

"Stop," I muttered with defeat.

Ren scoffed and got off of me but not before he gave me a nasty slap to the face. "Don't ever think I won't, Gavin. EVER." He walked out of the room and the doors slammed behind him.

I rubbed gently at my neck, angry with myself for how stupid I just was. I had actually thought for a moment that he wouldn't do it; that there was something in him that would keep him from going through with it. I was wrong and just how little I meant to him couldn't have been any clearer. Fucking bastard.


*************************************************************


Hours later I was getting ready to leave the house for work at On The Lash and I was happy to have the time away from this place. Ren's hit earlier had left a bit of a bruise but I was able to cover it up; besides, the theme for tonight was bondage so I'm sure it would fit in perfectly with my stage costume. I had it stuffed in a black duffel bag that was slung over my shoulder and I would get dressed at work, giving me more reason to get out of here as soon as possible. Just one thing that I had to do before I was able to escape temporarily. I found Ren by the bar in the kitchen with a drink glass in one hand and his cell phone in the other. He had a bottle of Bacardi rum out and Coke but he had yet to pour any of it, instead he was standing there with his face in deep wrinkles as if he was listening to something shocking. I stood at the kitchen doorway and gave him a small wave but he didn't see me, instead he dropped his glass and it shattered on the floor.

"You nearly killed him!!!" Ren shouted and took the phone away from his ear and covered his mouth. I eased into the room. Was Ren that upset over someone? When I was able to look at him closer I saw that he wasn't crying or anything like that, he was laughing and didn't want whoever he was on the phone with to hear him. Ren was sniffing softly when he brought the phone back to his ear.

"No, no I wasn't laughing," Ren lied. "I WASN'T. Look just come on over and we'll---what? Fine, go ahead then. I want details later. Yeah, I heard you. Fuck you too."

I was standing there in shock when Ren hung up his phone and finally noticed I was there. Someone almost got killed and all Ren wanted was details to get off on? I knew Ren had his sick moments but that was just too much. He looked me up and down and it wasn't very friendly.

"What?" he barked.

"I just wanted you to know that I was leaving for work," I replied softly.

Ren smiled at me then and I backed up, fearing that he would do something to me before I left. Instead all he did was pat me on the shoulder and turned away from me to fetch another glass and made himself another Rum and Coke. He tipped his glass to me on his way out of the kitchen, still chuckling softly.

"Take 'em all to seventh heaven, Gavin," he said and I heard his laughter echo down the hallway.

I looked down at the floor and decided that one of the help would clean up the shattered pieces of glass and left the house confused. I couldn't get Ren's phone call out of my head and it bothered me all the way to On The Lash. Who the hell could nearly kill someone and then pass that info around like it was nothing? And for Ren to just laugh about it was sickening.

All of those thoughts were drowned out the moment I stepped into the strip club; everything was coming to life since there was only an hour until the doors opened to the public. Loud rock music was booming through the room as the guys that controlled the lights during the shows experimented with the equipment. I was on my way to the dressing room when Rick suddenly popped up in my line of sight, forcing me to suddenly halt.

"Hey Mr. Schafer," he greeted me with a warm smile.

I couldn't help but grin back at the boyish light in his eyes. I was hoping that his crush on me would fade but it just seemed that every time I saw him it only got worse.

"Hey, Rick," I replied and went to walk around him but he forced his way in front of me again.

"Are you doing a full set tonight?"

I nodded slowly, unsure where this was leading. "It's on the main schedule, you know that. I'm doing a quick show before Jeremy and then the last spot of the night is mine."

"Yeah, that's right. I didn't even think to look at the schedule since I'd be seeing you. So you'll have the rest of the night off after that right? I mean after we close up?"

I chuckled. So THAT'S where things were headed. Rick finally found the guts to ask me out but there wasn't the slightest chance that I would accept. Even if I could go out with him, I wouldn't. Rick seems to like me but I'm not sure he's actually seeing all of me but an idea of who he wants. For all I know he's just desperate to sleep with me and he's confusing affection with lust. Poor bastard.

"I get off here but I have somewhere else to be," I started slowly as I already began to weave a nice lie, "and Ren won't take kindly for me being late. It's pretty important, you know."

Rick's shoulders sagged but he soon straightened and grinned at me. "I forgot how busy you always are Mr. Schafer. Well, I—"

"I've gotta run," I interrupted. Ending this conversation now would make things easier for both of us and allow me the exit that I needed. I wouldn't have to resort so low if Rick didn't make things so fucking difficult. I slipped away leaving Rick with his mouth open and ducked behind the private curtain that lead to my dressing room.

It didn't take me long to change since there wasn't much to my outfit for my first dancing set. I wore a black leather zip up vest that only covered a quarter of my chest and left all my stomach bare. The pants were just a series of straps that covered my crotch and some of my thighs that left little peep shows at the leather thong I wore underneath. When it was time for me to strip down all I had to do was pull at the straps and they would break away. This was basically a one-use outfit that Ren had special ordered but he had several made a time so I could always use it again but in a different act. Maybe I'd give the audience a treat and let them pull a few away.

I was just pulling up the last strap over my leg when I heard the beginnings of my song and the DJ getting the crowd all worked up to see me. I heard the yell and cries as they all impatiently waited for me and I got a shiver from the exciting anticipation.

I jogged in place to get my blood flowing and work up a bit of a sweat before I finally left the room and onto the stage. When I emerged from the curtains I was hit with the lights and cries from the crowd and nothing else mattered but the audience and the music. I glided across the stage, releasing my body to move with the music and I soaked in all the lust basically pouring off of them.

I unzipped my vest, slipped out of it and threw it to the crowd, watching with satisfaction as I saw both men and women fight each other for ownership. The song continued, the beat remained steady but it began to speed up just like with sex. The faster the beat got, the faster I moved until I was completely one with music. The crowd huddled as close as they could to the stage and I let them touch any part of me they wanted, some caressed and others were bold enough to stroke me through my thong. By the end of the act I was so close to actually getting off that I was relieved when the music ended and I was able to withdraw behind the curtain once more.

I collapsed on one of the steps and I heard the DJ making lots of lewd comments about me and cold showers. That was fine as long as I accomplished what I was supposed to and everyone walked away happy and extremely horny.

"Don't tell me you're down for the count?"

I looked up and saw Jeremy walking towards me. He pushed his platinum blonde hair from his face and held out a hand to help me up.

"Never," I replied and took the offered hand. "I still have one more to do tonight."

Jeremy shook his head. "I don't see how you do it, man. I do this one tonight and I'm out for the count."

"Well that's the difference between us, Jeremy," I replied softly and gave him a seductive lick of my lips. "I can keep it going all night."

Jeremy smiled and I saw that stir of lust in his brown eyes before he let go of my hand. "You're trouble," he said with a playful hit on my arm and then he was up the steps and disappeared through the curtains.

I began to loosen my long braid as I walked towards my dressing room. I truly hoped that I could catch a nap for a few hours before my final show.

"Gavin!"

I turned around and looked down the hallway. There was someone by the curtains that lead to the main floor of the club and all I was able to see was a head peeking through. A very familiar head.

"What the hell are you doing, Jon?" I hissed as I walked closer to him and hit him on the head since it was the only thing there.

He winched but smiled. "I sneaked over here when that bouncer wasn't looking." Jon slipped away to look over his shoulder nervously and turned back to me. "I don't want to get thrown out so could you come out and talk to me?"

I frowned. The last time I had a visitor here it ended up badly and I just wasn't sure what Jon could possibly want to talk to me about.

"I should just let Rick carry you out," I grumbled.

Jon gave me a weird look. "Be nice. C'mon, Gavin…pretty please? With a cherry on top?"

I sighed and pulled the curtain back and stepped to the side. "Get back here."

Jon froze. "But I'm not supposed to."

I grinned. "Just like you weren't supposed to go lurking about and poking your head where it shouldn't be?"

He laughed and slipped past me and I let the curtain fall behind him. There was no way I planned on taking him to my room; things would be safer and less stressful by keeping it right here. I folded my arms and gave him an icy stare. "How did you find out I was here?"

"You're a very popular guy, Gavin," he replied. "I was at the Freaky Coffin so I asked around and they told me where you worked. I didn't know when you would be coming back to the Coffin so I took the initiative and came to see you here."

"And you see absolutely no problem with following me like this?"

Jon gave me a weak smile. "Who doesn't like being stalked?"

When he saw the look on my face he held his hands up and shook his head frantically. "That was a joke! A bad one, I admit, but I was only kidding."

Bad joke or not, I didn't find it funny at all and the more he smiled at me the angrier I became. Should I be flattered that he went through all this trouble to find me? Be honored that he found the sex so wonderful that he went on a search to get it again?

Hell no.

"And after you found me?" I asked nastily. "Did you think you'd be able to get a quickie in my dressing room?"

Jon's mouth dropped and I expected for him to be embarrassed or pretend to be hurt, instead the look he gave me was pure disgust.
"You think I came here for a fuck? If sex was all I wanted, I wouldn't be here. All I wanted was for us to go grab some coffee later."

I laughed at him. "Go out for coffee? Are you serious?"

"Yeah, I am," he snapped. "But you just took me seriously when you thought I was here for sex. Do you know how incredibly fucked up that is? You're trying to make me feel bad for wanting to get to know you outside of the bedroom. Remember that first night when you said I never really knew you?"

I only nodded and he continued. "I want to change that. Sex was great, but sex isn't you. Or are you telling me it is?" His face grew serious. "Are you nothing but sex, Gavin? Is there nothing to know?"

How in the hell did that happen? I had been empowered with my anger, so fucking sure I knew Jon's intentions but now I was standing here feeling awful for how I shot him down. But how was I to know he was serious about the coffee thing? I've become so accustomed to people using me only for sex that I distrust any kind gesture. Anytime Mannix was nice to me it always ended badly and David's kindness was about as real as a penguin in the desert. I was just beginning to trust David and in turn I received a slap to the face. I had accepted the fact that kindness was a scam that people used to get your guard down and here Jon was trying to ask me out. Could it be worth a try? There was just something about Jon that made me want to give a shot. In the hopes that maybe, just maybe, someone wasn't out for just their own gain.

"I'm not just sex," I replied quietly.

Jon's smile returned and his dark blue eyes beamed. "I didn't think you were. So? How about that coffee?"

"I still have one more show to do," I said with an apologetic shrug. "After closing time, maybe?"

Jon nodded and winked at me. "I'll hang around." He slipped through the curtains without another word.