Jaden

Hi all, I am so so sorry for being away for so long. Chapter 17 was a bear to finish, I have to admit I did finish it and then I re-wrote it again not liking how it came out. Then I went and re-wrote this monster still having issues. finally I just had to accept it as it is, in a way the characters were fed up with me and told me to get over it already. So I hope I did a decent job of it, and to make up for the long wait I put up two chapters for your reading pleasure.

I want to thank you for the reviews I got, it was a gift to my soul. Please let me know if I did ok with this chapter. Thanks to all for your patience. Enjoy!


Chapter 17
(Laying it all Out)

They sat on the bed, Jaden holding on to his teddy bear; it’s fur so soft and silky. Marcus sat behind him brushing his hair; Jaden closed his eyes enjoying being pampered. Every now and then he could feel Marcus’s finger lightly touch his neck as he would lift his hair up to brush it out smooth. Jaden wanted to talk with Marcus; he was so upset when they left the store that he had a hard time to calm down. The man made him feel so ashamed and Jaden was afraid that Marcus would be angry with him. Jaden wondered how Marcus felt about what had happened; he didn’t say anything to him but try to calm him down. He was surprised that Marcus would still treat him with loving affection; he had expected anger or to be accused of causing the problem, instead he got loving words and affection. And here they where sitting on the bed, holding a new gift in his arms with Marcus brushing his hair.

Marcus knew that Jaden was feeling a little uncomfortable since they returned from the store. Not wanting to force anything he chose to remain quiet and let Jaden work out his thoughts. He was angry when that man touched Jaden, he wanted to break his hands, he was also proud that Jaden did not cause a scene it would not have been in their best interest to have the police snooping around them.

When he finished brushing Jaden’s hair he put the brush away. Then he leaned up against the headboard, reaching for Jaden he had him lie down with his head on his chest. Marcus kissed the top of his head, he ended up not only holding onto Jaden but the teddy bear as well, and Jaden would not let it go since he gave it to him. Even while Jaden dressed for bed he would not let go of the bear moving it from one hand to the other, which was difficult because of the huge size of the teddy bear. Marcus found this to be so endearing, and so he lay there with Jaden and the teddy bear between them, gently running his fingers in his thick long hair his other hand resting on top on Jaden’s hand that was on top of the teddy bear.

“Marcus?” asked Jaden in a soft timid voice, afraid to look up at him.

“Yes love?” responded Marcus with a soft hug, and caressed his face letting his thumb touch lightly over his cheek.

Jaden sighed softly into the touch, how he loved it when Marcus would do this. If he could he would never end this evening, never in his life has he felt so safe with a man. In his heart he knew Marcus would never hurt him, he just knew this to be true. But because of his past he had to wonder just how much Marcus would be willing to put up with it. That man in the store was a constant reminder of how he lived his life. Marcus up to now has been very understanding and non-judgmental, but he worried for how long Marcus would be willing to tolerate his past if it happened again.

“I’m sorry about what happened, um you know at the store? With that man.” Jaden said sadness in his voice and shame, he was afraid to look up at Marcus, and Marcus knew that to bring up the subject was not easy for him. Marcus continued to caress Jaden’s hair, allowing his fingers relay to Jaden that he was not angry.

“It is all right Jaden, what happened tonight was not your doing. I am just glad that you are not hurt.” Marcus answered. Although in his mind he regretted not killing that man, Marcus realized he was being too possessive but he did not want any man or woman to touch him like that. He hated the fact that the man brought back painful memories for Jaden.

Jaden sat up, he was filled with shame. He wished that his life were different; he wished he made better choices in the past, and right now he was missing Lizzie. He could really use her advice. Still not looking at Marcus, he kept his eyes down petting his teddy bear. He could not believe how luxurious it felt, and he was delighted that Marcus got it for him.

“Marcus, I’m not proud of my past and as long as I stay here with you. I will never do anything to embarrass you. You have no idea how grateful I am. But tonight, I mean about what happened.” With tears sliding down his cheek Jaden looked up at Marcus and said, “I’m afraid it could happen again, and, and, I don’t know if I ca can stop it from happening. And I’m so sor sorry.” Then he buried his face in the teddy bear.

Marcus sat up embracing the boy in his arms, carefully removing the teddy bear aside. Jaden still held on to its arm, as if afraid of losing his new best friend.

Marcus smiled and said, “It is all right little one, you need not apologize. It is not your fault that the world is filled with the likes of that man who tried to harm you. I am proud of you, Jaden. You proved to be the better man, and you kept us safe by not calling any unwanted attention to us. Can you imagine what would have happened if the storeowner was forced to call the police? You did well little one, I am so sorry that I could not stop him before he touched you.”

Sad green eyes looked at loving sky blue eyes, and then Jaden wiped his eyes and nodded. “But Marcus what if it happens again? I mean it’s possible that it could happen, and you shouldn’t have to put up with it. Your clean, you’re not dirty like me, it’s just that you shouldn’t have to be involved in this mess and before we met, you probably had peace then I come along and screw it all up. I guess what I’m trying to say is, I don’t want to be an embarrassment to you, especially after everything you’ve done for me. God Marcus I’m sorry, I’m scared that you’ll get tired of it and tell me to get lost. I, I, don’t know how to be able to stop it from happening again.”

Now Marcus sat up straight and held on to Jaden in a tight embrace, lifting up his face so he could see his beautiful green eyes. Marcus loved those eyes; he would do anything to keep him safe and happy. Then he spoke to Jaden in a soft loving voice, wanting to ensure that he had nothing to worry about.

“Jaden” said Marcus, “it is unfortunate that we cannot foresee into the future, life would be so much better if we knew when something like this could happen for us to keep it from taking place. But all I can say to you is that if it should happen, you need not worry, we will handle it in the best way possible. And just for the record, I am not as clean as you think I am. I have not lived for so long without making poor choices in my own life. There are some things in my past that I am not too proud of. You did not get to choose your past, it was forced on you and Lizzie tried to show you a better life. I am not naïve; I understand what you had to do in order to help keep Lizzie safe when she became ill. I respect your courage to survive in a world that has treated you with so much pain and sadness. For it takes a very brave person to do something that they are afraid of doing, I have the utmost respect for you, and proud that you are in my life.” then Marcus kissed Jaden on the forehead and said, “I am only sorry I have not met you sooner. I regret we did not meet under pleasant circumstances. But I am so pleased you are here, for too long I have lived with no one to share my life with, I hope you will like living here and allow me to teach and help you in our way of life.”

Jaden held on to Marcus, he hugged him back so hard. So grateful he was that Marcus did not make him feel worse then he already did. He realized everybody made mistakes even Marcus. He could see his eyes show sadness when he expressed some shame for his own past. When he asked Marcus why he did all of this for him, all Marcus could do was shrug his shoulders. He told Jaden he didn’t understand it himself, he just felt the need to help him. He just knew that he couldn’t let him die. They lay back down on the bed with Jaden resting his head on Marcus’s chest; he stayed like that just listening to Marcus’s heartbeat. It was a reassuring sound, and he felt so comfortable with Marcus. With one hand fingering the fabric of Marcus’s night shirt, Jaden looked up at him and said,

“I’ve been thinking, have you ever met like a total stranger and by just talking with em even for a few minutes you just know that you will like this person or not. It’s like these two people were meant to meet someday and they become great friends or they are like the love of each other’s life. You know like maybe soul mates?” Jaden asked.

Marcus smiled he liked this explanation; it certainly felt right in his heart. He continued to caress Jaden‘s hair and agreed with him. “Soul mates.” Marcus said, “It certainly is the best way to explain it, I must admit I do like the idea of our souls reaching out to each other, somehow it recognized a strong bond between us. That to me is the best way to understand it, I would not question it.”

Jaden smiled in return, he agreed. Soul mates he repeated the words liking the idea that he and Marcus were meant to be together. [Meant to be together?] Jaden thought, but how he wondered, now was a good time to lay everything on the table he had to know how Marcus felt about a particular subject, a very sensitive subject. He was afraid to ask, but he had to know, because he knew he was starting to have very strong feelings for Marcus and up to now he never made an indecent move against him. Instead he treated him so well, like a true friend with the utmost respect. He wanted to make sure that in this issue there would be no misunderstandings. And so he slowly sat up again holding his teddy bear close, he risked it all and asked.

“Marcus, I kind of wondered how you felt about something. You know about my past and all…. And well by now I’m sure you know that I have been with a lot of men.” He looked down and away from Marcus, his face turning red with shame. But he continued on, “and I was wondering how you felt about that, I mean….. You know about guys being with guys and all…. Like does that gross you out, or I mean…. Like some people are ok with it and some want to kill those people who are ok with it and….. I don’t know how you feel about it.” He said the last few words in a low whisper.

Marcus sat up and looked at Jaden, realizing that although they have become close it really wasn’t clear where each one stood with the other. He also wanted Jaden to be at peace and not have to worry what his feelings were on the subject. This was a very good opportunity for them to clearly understand each other. And so he smiled again and looked at his teddy bear. He reached out and felt the long silky fur. Marcus said, “My feelings on the subject are that I am as you say ok with it. There is nothing wrong when two people meet and have intimate feelings for each other, whether it is between a man and a woman, or two men or two women. To me love is very precious and it is the rarest gift two people can give to one another. I have never conformed myself to traditional values, the world is too complex and can be harsh, but when you are able to find a loving person to share it with, why should I care if it is what society expects, I only care about the person with whom I can find happiness with. And this helps life to be bearable.”

The look on Jaden’s face was one of relief, so concerned was he of Marcus’s opinion of the same sex question. Now he felt a little more comfortable and he really wanted to learn more about Marcus. So Jaden had asked him if he ever had been with men and did people give him a hard time for it. Marcus’s eyebrow arched up at the question. He had been alone for so long and not accustomed to have someone interested in his life, it was a strange feeling for him but at the same time it was also a nice feeling to have someone that he could speak with in confidence and in friendship. He wished Victor and Adrian was here; he was really missing their companionship and the occasional loving advice they sometimes offered whether he asked or not. And so he lay back down on the bed with his legs crossed at the ankles and his hands folded resting on his stomach, Jaden also laid down next to him with his teddy bear close to his chest facing Marcus and waited for him to answer.

Marcus looked up the ceiling and thought carefully of about how much he was willing to talk about, although Jaden had been with men, it was not his choice it was forced on him. So he too wondered how Jaden truly felt about the subject. It was possible the boy’s preference was towards women and he may be truly disgusted with the idea of men being in love with men. But Marcus was never a liar when asked he spoke honestly and so he answered Jaden’s question.

In truth Jaden, I have enjoyed the pleasures of both men and women, and over the years I have realized that I prefer the pleasures of men.

Jaden gave him a big silly grin, “so you’re gay?” he asked.

Marcus shrugged his shoulders, arched an eyebrow at Jaden smiling at him and nodded. “Yes, I suppose I am.”

“Wow, it’s bad enough now a days.” Jaden spoke softly, “It must have been like hell in your time.”

Marcus agreed and then began to talk a little more about his time.

“In my time you have to understand that such things were tolerated only in secret by our society, but once a man married he had to be discreet if he chose to continue his previous life. When men went to war they did not always have access to women, so it was an acceptable practice for men to find comfort in each other. In fact men from noble families did as they pleased; it was not a surprise if he was with men or women. Society and family would look the other way and did not pass judgment but merely said that is was his right as a man to enjoy the pleasures of life and he was expected to marry and have children to continue the bloodline. As long as the nobleman did his duty to family and country depending on his status no one really cared. If he was discreet and did not shame his family no one really cared what he did with his own time. And so to the outside world he lived to everyone’s expectations, while he quietly went about his own affairs.”

Jaden asked if wives were so understanding, Marcus said not many were but had no choice if they wanted the status that the men provided. Some husbands and wives did come to an understanding considering that most marriages were arrangements to begin with. And as long as both sides got what they wanted for the most part the arranged marriage was a success. Jaden wondered if Marcus was married, and when he asked him. Marcus nodded his head and said no, but his brother was married to a fine woman who gave him two sons and a daughter, in the meantime his brother on occasion would take a lover.

The woman he married was not beautiful or delicate, but she was a handsome woman who was grateful when his brother asked for her hand in marriage, that she was loyal to him in all things and never spoke out against her husband. Jaden thought that was unfair to her, but Marcus explained that his brother like him was strong willed and refused to be told when to marry and to whom. So Marcus said his brother was smart to pick a woman that other men would consider to be beneath them. His brother knew that she would indeed be grateful to marry with honor and to be treated with respect among her piers.

Marcus told Jaden that his father was a great warrior and held the highest appointment within the ruling emperor’s home, so he and his brother had their pick of anyone they wanted, and the woman his brother married also came from a fine noble family, her dowry was quite hefty which added to his families wealth and power. So while other men complained of their nagging wives to live up to their potential, his brother’s wife was an angel who never showed disrespect and always looked up to her husband with love and admiration. And in return his brother treated his wife like royalty, because in time they became great friends, they both knew this match was not made out of love, but the freedom and respect it provided for his wife was of great value.

She in fact did as she pleased and in time she raised her husband’s status and wealth and many nobles wanted to be associated with them. His brother’s wife, Marcus said knew how to maneuver in the political arena, among other wives with powerful husbands. And although his family was powerful, she gave them more credibility and honor. His brother not only chose a fine woman but an intelligent woman. They did with time love and care for each other very much. They were truly soul mates in friendship, and she did not mind his outside activities, he never shamed her and she remained loyal to him.

“My brother knew exactly what he was doing when he married her; it seemed after awhile she became more beautiful in both her appearance and in her soul. Other men would try to lore her from my brother while he was away at war, but was soon introduced to her sword instead.”

Jaden laughed at that he said that she sounded very much like Lizzie. Jaden then asked Marcus that since he did not marry, was his family trying to fix him up with someone?

Marcus told Jaden that his family did not try, only because they trusted him to choose wisely for himself just like his brother did. Secretly in Jaden’s mind he was glad that Marcus did not marry. They talked a little more about his family, when Jaden asked if his parents knew that he was gay.

Marcus smiled down at Jaden, he loved how cute and sweet he looked being so inquisitive. He shook his head no, “At the time you may say I was going through many experiences, and my parents bred of noble blood only looked at it as my way of passing the time until I had to grow up by choosing a wife.”

Jaden moved closer to Marcus, placing his hand on his chest looking very serious.

“So you’re saying it was cool with them? Like they didn’t care that you played around until it was time to settle down?”

Marcus nodded and answered Jaden, his nose so close to the curious young man at his side. “That is how it was, I was considered am immature child playing and having fun, with the understanding to enjoy all I could for the day will come when I would have to marry someday. But first I had to become a man, and war was an excellent teacher in that area, all young noble men where expected to serve as warriors. And so I took my time in making that decision, and before I could even consider it we were at war.”

Jaden loved hearing about Marcus’s past; he loved the sound of his voice and hoped he would talk all night. He lay back down resting his head on Marcus’s chest hugging his new teddy bear.

Marcus leaned in closer to the top of Jaden’s head and inhaled his scent, he then looked at Jaden and asked if he and Lizzie were more then just friends.

“Oh no, we knew that we liked each other right away like family, and that’s the way it worked out for us” Jaden answered. He went on to explain to Marcus that he never saw her that way and it seemed that neither did Lizzie. They clicked right away like long lost brother and sister. Lizzie took on the role with such enthusiasm because it gave her a sense of family again. Which Jaden was grateful to have Lizzie to look up to and loves like a big sister. Now Marcus leaned up on his elbow looking down at Jaden, he gently caressed Jaden’s hair and looked seriously at him.

“Jaden may I ask you a personal question?” asked Marcus in a soft voice. Jaden smiled and nodded.

“Forgive me for asking, but I too am quite curious.” Marcus said, “even though you were forced into having sex with men, I cannot but help wonder how you felt about it. As I understand you were never given a choice. You were not allowed to grow up and find out what you would prefer. Had your life turned out differently do you think you would know what your sexual preference would have been?”

Jaden thought about it for a few minutes, Marcus tried not to laugh as he watched Jaden think about his answer, the young man was truly adorable as he chewed on his lower lip and his nose wrinkled in thought.

“I like guys, and I think that I have always known that I was different. I used to daydream what it would be like to have someone just love me, you know? Someone who was really into me and caring about me, someone that wouldn’t enjoy hurting me so much.” he said sadly.

“When I wasn’t getting beat up by my mom, or if she was out. I would watch the TV and see those shows about family, and I would dream of the day when a handsome man would come and take me away from this nightmare, he would show me what real love was about, and we would have our own family.”

Then Jaden let out a small laugh, and said.

“But my family didn’t look like the ones on the TV, mines was me, a husband, kids, dogs and cats, and all kinds of animals would live with us.”

Then he looked at Marcus feeling silly, a light blush coloring his cheeks, he said.

“Silly isn’t it? Yeah I know. But it was nice to just think about it sometimes. It was kinda of my escape from my every day world.” looking away Jaden continued to speak, “even though I know that I’m gay, I’m afraid, that all men want me just for hurting me. No matter how much I beg and cry they would hurt me more. Is that the way it’s supposed to be Marcus, men just hurt men when they have sex?”

Marcus was left speechless, unable to form comforting words. He put his arms around Jaden and held him close shaking his head back and forth, and finally he whispered into his ear, “No, no when true feelings of love is shared, it is done to give each other pleasure, love and comfort. To express emotions of love and passion when words fail, you never had the opportunity to experience this. It is unfortunate that you only know about being raped, and have not known love.”

They lay quietly on the bed with arms wrapped around each other, each one lost in their own thoughts. Marcus remembered Celio, he too had the same dream of a life shared with someone special to love and be loved. His heart ached for him, and a little guilt crept into his soul, he was saddened that he could not be what Celio needed. He knew this and yet he took the risk, and because of it Celio is lost to him forever. But what he felt for Jaden he realized was far stronger and truer. He loved him, he loved him so fiercely but he was afraid to do anything. He feared that if he told Jaden his true feelings for him that Jaden would become frightened and see him in the same way he sees all men.

Jaden adored Marcus, in his mind he wished this was the man he dreamt about. In a way he did take him away from his nightmare life, but he was afraid Marcus would only see him as a whore used up by so many men, it pained him that he would never get to know real love with Marcus, and the more he thought about it the more it hurt him. [So this must be what it feels like to be in love with someone] Jaden couldn’t help but think like this, in his heart he wanted so much for Marcus to love him, not as a friend but as lovers. He would gladly accept all the pain that comes with sex so long as it is with Marcus. Even though Marcus told him that sex can be enjoyed without the violence, it was all Jaden knew.

Both men lay there in each other’s comforting arms, enjoying the warmth of being close. Neither one willing to say how they truly felt about each other, afraid to speak up of their true feelings for fear of being rejected. Marcus afraid that Jaden would see him as an abusive monster from his past, and Jaden equally afraid, that Marcus would not allow himself to go beyond friendship because of his past as a whore. Each man lying in the same bed, comfortable in being close as friends and yet they were each ashamed of wanting more from the other, as if they did not have the right to ask for it. And so they accepted their private pain in the hopes of not hurting the other.

For a while they did not say a word, when the silence was broken by Marcus. He had more questions for Jaden and wanted to get some answers. He held Jaden tighter in his arms, and now it had become a comforting habit for him to gently caress Jaden’s hair, which he noticed that Jaden would let out a soft satisfied sigh when he did this, it pleased him so much with the way Jaden would react to his touch. He spoke again in a careful tone and asked, “Little one, I need to ask about the night I found you.”

He could feel Jaden suddenly tense and his body began to tremble, so afraid of that night. Marcus quickly soothed him with whispered words of kindness, caressing his face and holding him in a secure embrace, Marcus continued to speak. “Up to now I have said nothing, because I wanted you to heal and you suffered so much with Lizzie. But I want to know who harmed you, who is it that tried to kill you?” Jaden choked back tears, and shook his head.

“I, I, don’t know, some guy with a stupid looking goatee told me he had a friend that will pay me $300.00 for the night. It, it was… God! It was stupid of me to go. But I, I really nee, needed the money.” Jaden cried softly covering his face in his teddy bear. Marcus continued to hold him; the guy he referred to had to be Sammy, which made sense he looked harmless.

He then asked him what happened. To not be afraid that he was safe here with him. Jaden let his head fall down so his hair could cover his face. He couldn’t stop shaking, just thinking about that night made him so afraid. He knew that both men were dead, but he worried about the masked one, the one that hurt him so much. He tried to stop his shaking but failed. Slowly looking up again at Marcus he tried to talk about it.

“I remember it was really cold that night. Dieter was after us for the rent again, and this time he meant it, to, to throw us out.” Jaden said, he kept looking down at his teddy bear petting it seemed to give him comfort and he went on.

“So I got dressed and went out to, um you know look for work. If I didn’t come up with the money, then Dieter would want me to, to, have se, agh I just, I just couldn’t go through that again, he’s so dirty and always smells so bad. It was better to deal with a stranger.” Jaden shook his head in disgust, and wiped at his eyes.

“It was late and there was hardly anyone out because the weather was bad. But then this man stopped his car and asked me to go with him, he would pay me a lot of money if I did.” He stopped wiping a tear away in frustration.

Then he looked at Marcus to see if maybe he would show any anger towards him, Jaden still feared Marcus would look down at him. Instead Marcus got up from the bed and went to the wood burning stove to add more logs. He then turned and took Jaden by the hand and led him over to his chair. It was an oversized lounger big and comfortable for two. Marcus sat down bringing Jaden with him so he could sit with him snuggled close to his body; Jaden never before knew such comfort. He felt so save and he wanted to tell it all in the hopes it would help him to better accept it and move on, to have closure.

“I don’t know the man’s name, but he said that he had an important friend who liked young guys, and he couldn’t be seen trying to pick up dates in the street. I had the right look they wanted and I really needed the money, so I agreed to go with him. When I got in the car I was shaking so much because of the cold, he had some coffee in a thermos and he asked me if I would like some. I thanked him and drank the coffee, after awhile I got sleepy and fell asleep.”

Marcus realized that Sammy drugged Jaden. He asked what happened when he woke up. Jaden began to tremble again but he told him that he was kept blind folded and didn’t know where he was. He was tied down to a bed and kept blind folded the whole time. Jaden realized that there was more then one man; it turned out to be three. He knew because he heard three different voices. They took turns raping him over and over. It seemed when one finished the next would take his turn.

Jaden hurt so much and begged them to stop; they would laugh and start all over. Jaden trembled badly in Marcus’s arms when he remembered being taken by two of the men at the same; it felt as if his body was being split in two. It got to the point that he could hardly speak or move anymore.

When they finished he was left alone in the room. He did not know for long he lay there, he tried desperately to free himself from his bindings, but he was well trapped and could do nothing and wait. The waiting was horrible, and at some point he fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone else.

At last his blind fold was removed, his eyes blinked several times to try and focus and see where he was and who removed the blind fold. It was another man that he never saw before; he thought this man was going to rape him too. But instead the man helped him get cleaned up, he didn’t know why but the man used a cream on his body to remove all of his hair, even though he showed him kindness he knew it was false.

Jaden for some reason was more afraid of this man then he was of the others. When he asked if he could leave the man told him that he had one more service to provide. Jaden watched as the man changed his clothes and put on a pair of leather pants. When he put on the mask to cover his face, Jaden knew that he had to get out and tried to escape.

Marcus listened to every word Jaden spoke, controlling his anger. He wanted to know who this man was; he had every intention of meeting him and his friends. He was startled out of his thoughts when Jaden broke down crying trying to tell him what happened. “He hurt me, Marcus. He hurt me real bad! Oh God! How can someone do that? Why? Why Marcus?” Jaden cried in frustration, he was afraid, and he was angry. He tried to tell Marcus what was done to him, having already seen it in the DVD he found Marcus did not want to make Jaden re-live it.

He stirred him away from that nightmare and asked if he learned the name of the man. Jaden was crying so hard he could hardly form any coherent words from his mouth. Marcus held him close, until Jaden ended up on his lap being held like a baby in his arms. He gently rocked Jaden and spoke softly into his ear. Little by little Jaden was able to calm down, he kept letting out small sniffs and he got the hiccups. Jaden wanted to be closer to Marcus so he turned to face him and wrapped his arms around his neck. He let his head rest on his shoulder and buried his face in Marcus’s neck.

Marcus held him tight, wrapping his arms protectively around Jaden. One arm went around his waist to bring him in closer and his free hand cradled Jaden’s head, gently massaging his head and neck. He could feel Jaden let out a soft sigh, warm breath on his neck. Marcus was able to lean down and kiss Jaden’s cheek, tasting salty tears. He leaned back with Jaden in a tight warm embrace; he was so angry that Jaden had suffered so much. He wanted to find this man, he will find him and he will make him pay. Everyone who was involved will pay. He hated trying to force information out of Jaden about that night, but he had to know something, anything that will help lead him to those men.

In a tight controlled voice Marcus asked Jaden if he had any idea who they were, Jaden shook his head, the three men who raped and beat him were careful not to use any names, the man that tortured him did tell Jaden his name because he knew it did not matter since he was going to die. He was trying to remember what his name was.

Marcus reached for a handkerchief from his pocket and used it to wipe the tears from his face, sad frightened eyes looked at him and Jaden said in a small voice, “that man, who….hiccup….ohhh that hurts my chest.” Marcus smiled a reassuring smile gently rubbing his chest; he slit his wrist and told Jaden to drink a little bit to see if it helps him get rid of the hiccups. When Jaden finished Marcus wiped his mouth with the handkerchief and asked if it helped. Jaden smiled weakly and answered in a soft timid voice, “Yes”. As if he remembered he looked into Marcus’s blue eyes.

“Marcus? I think that he told me his name; it sounded like Rowlim? Something like that, I was so scared I don’t think I heard it right, but it sounded like Row…lim. I do know it started with an R, I think it was an R.” Jaden whispered softly. Marcus continued to hold him and he told Jaden he will find that man, he and his friends will pay. Jaden became frightened again and begged him to stay away from them; he cried out and said,
“No don’t, please Marcus those men are dangerous, they’re a bunch of sick bastards. Please Marcus I can’t lose you. I’ll die if I did.”

“Oh love do not worry, you will never lose me.” Marcus replied, as he held Jaden tighter. He promised that he would always be there for him and he would take care of him. Jaden couldn’t help but cry again, he told him how scared he was and he was so tired of being scared. He started to tremble from fear again and Marcus held him close, trying to soothe away his fears. They remained quiet for a while; Marcus would kiss Jaden’s face and hug him. He was surprised with himself; Marcus was not normally an affectionate person.

Jaden seemed to bring out the tenderness in him, emotions that he never thought he was capable of expressing after so many years on being alone. Never had he been so free with his feelings. It made him feel so alive. Jaden too kissed Marcus and hugged him, as if he were a small little child. He sat back on Marcus’s lap, sad puffy green eyes looking at him. He reached out with both hands to caress Marcus’s face; he kissed his nose, his eyes, his cheeks then his lips. It was a soft shy tender kiss. Then putting his forehead against Marcus’s forehead, they sat close to each other nose to nose; Jaden whispered to his mouth, “I love you Marcus.”

Marcus thought his heart would explode with happiness, he thought to himself that if he died right now, this very moment, he would die a very happy man. He gently kissed Jaden’s lips; it was a light feathery kiss. It was hard for him to control himself he wanted to devour him. To kiss him passionately to show him how much he loved him in return. He controlled his emotions; he caressed his face and said, “Jaden, I love you too.”

Jaden let out a sigh of relief and laid his head back down on Marcus’s shoulder. He was so happy to hear those words; it was so nice for someone to say that he was loved in return. It was almost like being with Lizzie again, and to make sure Marcus loved him, Jaden smiled at him and told him how lucky he was to have him for a friend and hugged him hard. Marcus smiled in return, although he hoped it would be more than a friend. But he understood, and he did not want to push it and ask for more. He hope with all of his heart that in time, Jaden would see him as a man he could really love and trust.

“Tomorrow night, would you like to go into the woods to help me find a Christmas tree? In a few weeks it will be Christmas day and your birthday.” Marcus asked Jaden, he needed to think of something else. Already he was feeling sad of never being able to proclaim his love to Jaden. He needed something to help ease the pain from his heart. Jaden was excited about getting a Christmas tree, he and Lizzie could never afford one. The idea of going into the woods and finding the right tree was a thrill for him. They talked about where to place the tree, and Jaden asked if they could put a small one in the bedroom. Then Jaden wondered what he would give Marcus for Christmas, he was thinking so hard about it he did not realize he was getting tired. Daylight was coming.

“Marcus?” Jaden asked, “I don’t want to sleep yet, can’t I stay awake with you? I don’t want to sleep, I want to stay awake. Don’t let me fall asleep yet, please?”

Marcus smiled and rocked Jaden in his arms, and said. “Truly I am sorry, but I do not have control over this, as much as I like to stay awake, even I have to succumb to daylight and sleep during the day.” Then he kissed his cheek and whispered into his ear, “the day will come when you will be able to sleep at the same time I do, until then little one you need your rest. This evening has been exhausting for you. Sleep little one, my love, I will be here by your side until you awaken tomorrow night, Dream of Christmas trees, sparkling lights, and angels.”

Jaden sighed and let his body relax; Marcus lifted him up and carried him to the bed. As soon as Jaden was laid down in the bed, he instinctively reached out for his teddy bear and hugged it close to his chest. And just before he was out for the count he told Marcus how much he loved his teddy bear. Marcus sat next to him, gently combing his fingers through Jaden’s hair, lightly caressing his forehead, he watched Jaden’s breathing slow down and stop as he fell into his death sleep. Marcus then lay down behind Jaden pulling him close to his body; Marcus reached for the blankets to cover them both, he lowered his head to nuzzle Jaden’s neck and gave him a small kiss, softly whispered.

“Jaden I love you, my heart aches for you, my soul needs you, how I wish I could show you.” Just before sleep claimed him, Marcus spoke out, in a soft sad voice, “forgive me Celio, you deserved better.”