Pain and.. pain?

Okay, this is not the chapter i originally wrote but somehow this feels more right for the story. I think I know where this is going but the route there is going to be different from the original. Oh well, I'm just going to let this flow for a moment to see what happens. I'm attacking the previous chapters for editing next but will try to update soon again. I just finished chapter 18 and feel like hugging Jason to bits.

Hope you like this one and please review!




CHAPTER 17



I woke up shivering and sat up stiffly in the quiet laundry room. It took me a moment to realize where I was and when I did, a low sigh escaped my lips. I sat still for a moment, thinking about everything that had happened before glancing at the clock up on the wall. My jaw hit the floor when I realized it was already morning and hurried to get on my feet. I didn’t want to risk anyone walking in while I was sitting on the floor. That would be just too hard to explain when I didn’t have any laundry with me.

I was just about to grab the door handle when it opened and only barely managed to jump back so I didn’t get hit with it. “Jason!” Troy looked happy to see me and I managed a small smile.

“H-Hi.”

“Are you doing laundry as well? That’s awesome! Now I don’t have to get bored.” Troy grinned and I bit my lip nervously.

“No, um.. I was just.. going. I have to go.” I mumbled and Troy’s smile died on his face.

“Oh, ok. I’ll see you later then?”

“Y-Yeah, s-sure.” I nodded and slipped past him carefully. I could feel Troy’s eyes on my back when I left the room and if I had turned to look back I would have seen a slight frown on his features.

I made my way upstairs and hesitated behind our door. I wasn’t sure if dad was going to let me come back. I knocked on the door carefully, half hoping that dad wouldn’t answer and I could go back downstairs and sit with Troy while he did his laundry. But the door was yanked open and dad stared at me with bloodshot eyes and a wave of old alcohol assaulted my nose. He just grunted at the sight of me and turned away from the door. He left the door open so I figured he was allowing me back in and stepped through the doorway hesitantly.

Dad had already disappeared back to his bedroom and I looked around in the apartment. They played poker alright, the place was a mess. With a sigh I started picking up empty beer bottles and fast food boxes. I tried being as quiet as I could so dad wouldn’t get annoyed and after cleaning the kitchen, went to take a shower. Hot water felt divine after spending the night sleeping on the cold floor of the laundry room and a low sigh escaped my lips.

I stepped out of the shower with my eyes on the floor and flinched when I almost bumped into dad who was standing behind the bathroom door. He pushed me aside roughly and grumbled. “Fuck off, Jason.”

I bit my lip again and moved away from dad, towards my room. “Stay in your room!” Dad yelled to my back and I mumbled a quiet ‘Yes, sir’ in reply. Once dressed again, I bundled myself in my blanket and closed my eyes tiredly. I was hungry but dad was in a bad mood and for now it was better to just stay out of his way. The best way to distract myself from hunger was sleep and being freshly showered and warm, it wasn’t something hard to accomplish.



I woke up in a painful nudge against my shoulder and pushed the blanket away from my head so I could see dad. I turned to look at him with sleepy eyes and realized that he was looking a lot fresher now. “I’m going away for few days. I left food money on the kitchen table, I want to see receipts when I get back.”

“Yes, sir.” I mumbled and rubbed my cheek against the blanket sleepily. Dad left and a moment later I heard the front door open and close. It took me a moment to realize that he was gone and rolled on my back with low sigh.

I stared at the ceiling for a moment before realizing that now when dad was gone, it probably meant that Jonathan was coming to check on me again. My whole body tensed and the relaxation a hot shower and sleep had given me was gone in an instant. My heart beat sped up and cold sweat pushed through my pores, when I though of Jonathan and I screwed my eyes tightly shut before pulling the blanket over myself again and curling up on myself. I was panicking, big time.

It took me a long time to calm down and when I finally did, I was shivering from cold and my shirt was glued to my back by sweat. So I got up and headed for the shower for the second time today. Once fresh again I went to the kitchen I saw the money dad had left for me; ten bucks. That was more than I had expected from him. Hell, I hadn’t expected anything from him. I hesitated for a moment before pocketing the money and heading back to my room.

I spent the rest of the day moving around the apartment restlessly, waiting for Jonathan, who I was sure was going to appear behind our door.




Around eight pm there was a knock on our door and my stomach turned. I got up from my mattress and walked to the door with shaky feet. I knew I was pale when I opened the door and kept my eyes on the floor, expecting to see the familiar brown leather shoes of Jonathan. Instead my eyes met a colorful pair of dirty sneakers and my head shot up. Troy looked a little puzzled of my behavior but broke into a smile when I met his eyes.

“Hi, you said you could hang out later. So.. now’s later!” He grinned and I managed a weak smile back. “So, do you want to come over? I mean we can hang out here too but my uncle made dinner and.. have you eaten?”

“Um… n-no.”

“Great! Come on!” Troy grinned and grabbed my hand before I could say a word. I pulled back as a reaction and when Troy glanced at me with a question in his eyes, managed to mutter a passable reason.

“K-Keys.”

“Oh, sorry.” Troy just grinned and let go of my hand, giving me a chance to grab the spare key from its hook before pulling me forward again. I followed him down the hall and downstairs nervously, not sure how I felt about meeting his uncle. When we reached their door, I hung back and Troy had to literally pull me into the apartment.

“We’re here!” He yelled at someone in the kitchen and I looked up from the floor when a tall figure walked towards us. Blood rushed out of my face again and I swear my heart stopped beating for a minute when I realized who it was; Mr. Annoying. Troy’s uncle was Mr. Annoying. The man’s eyes narrowed at the sight of me but he held out his hand to greet me all the same. “Ben, this is Jason, Jason this is my uncle, Bent..”

“Ben.” Mr. Annoying interrupted his nephew before Troy had time to finish and shook my hand a bit forcibly. Troy rolled his eyes and waited until his uncle had turned towards the kitchen again before whispering a little too loudly.

“Benton, his real name is Benton.”

I didn’t look at Troy, I was staring at his uncle, waiting for his reaction to his nephew clearly not obeying. It didn’t come and Troy pulled me towards the kitchen.

“I hope you like chicken.” He exclaimed and my stomach turned again.

Why? Why of all the foods they had chosen to make for dinner had they chosen chicken, the one thing I couldn’t eat.

Why?


We sat down around the table and I kept my eyes down, the atmosphere was tensed and Troy was obviously oblivious of the matter. I could feel Mr. Annoying’s.. err.. Benton’s eyes on me and didn’t want to risk provoking him in any way. A plate appeared in front of me and I muttered a soft thank you. Troy was chatting happily about a movie he had watched earlier and Benton kept his comments short. I was just sitting quietly and picking on my plate, concentrating on the vegetables and rice and avoiding the chicken like a pro.

“So, Jason, where do you go to school?” Benton asked suddenly and I glanced up timidly.

“I-I don’t, s-sir.” I stuttered and cursed myself for sounding so meek.

“Really?” Benton asked, his eyes narrowing again and he threw a glance towards his nephew. “Troy told me you are seventeen. Why are you not in school?”

“I.. I just d-don’t go.” I said, a little more firmly this time and clenched the fork in my hand until my knuckles were white.

“Hmmpf.” Benton huffed and Troy kept glancing between me and him.

“Does it matter? I barely finished high school.” He said and Benton narrowed his eyes at him this time.

“And that’s why you are here. How did job hunting go today by the way?”

“Um, no luck yet.” Troy just grinned and I kept my attention on them so I could react quickly enough if things got violent. Benton just sighed and thanked Troy for doing the laundry today. They started chatting about everyday things and I just followed their conversation in confusion. I didn’t understand what was going on. Benton had seemed ready to smack Troy but now they were acting like nothing had happened. Benton caught me looking at him and I bowed my head down quickly, concentrating on my plate again. I was eating slowly and by the time the others had efficiently emptied their plates, I had finished my vegetables and most of my rice. I stopped eating when they did and set my fork on the table carefully. Troy glanced at my plate when he picked it up to put it in the sink and frowned.

“You didn’t like it?” He asked, sounding a bit offended and I felt a twinge of pain in my belly.

“No! I- I mean.. I-I d-don’t e-eat c-chicken.” I stuttered and Troy nodded slowly.

“Oh, okay. I didn’t know that, sorry.”

“I-I’m s-sorry.” I said and stood up quickly when Benton stood up as well. I stood by the table nervously while the others moved around the kitchen putting things away and when Troy started doing the dishes, offered to do them instead. Troy just shrugged me off and told me to go wait in the livingroom. I hesitated but moved to stand in the livingroom anyway. I didn’t want to be on his way.

Benton walked into the room with a beer in his hand and I glanced at him timidly. “You can sit down, you know.” He said and sat on one of the big armchairs. I just watched him for a moment before shifting over to the couch and sitting down on the edge carefully. Troy was still in the kitchen and I wished he’d hurry up.

I tried keeping my eyes on the floor but every now and then I lifted my gaze to check on Troy and every time I did, I was met with an even stare from Benton. I was starting to feel more and more panicky and I was almost ready to get up and go to the kitchen when Troy walked into the room. He slouched down on the couch next to me and sighed.

“I’m full.”

I glanced at him nervously and then Benton again who still had his eyes on me. “I.. um.. I..” I started and Troy glanced at me. “I.. n-need t-to g-go.” I mumbled and avoided his eyes.

“Really?” Troy asked, sounding disappointed and I opened my mouth to apologize. Before I got any words out though, Benton was on his feet and moving towards the door.

“Well, it was nice having you over, Jason.” He said and walked to the door, holding it open for me, signaling very clearly that he wanted me out of the apartment. Troy looked puzzled and got to his feet when I stood up to leave.

“You don’t have to go yet. We could watch a movie or something?”

“I-I’m s-sorry.” I mumbled nervously and shifted towards the open door. I was careful not to even brush against Benton when getting out of the apartment and mumbled a barely audible “Thank you, sir.” when passing him.

The door slammed closed behind me and I flinched involuntarily. I heard the safety chain being put to place and started towards our grimy apartment. There was a heavy feeling in my chest when I made my way upstairs and once I got to my room, I just collapsed on my mattress. Tears forced their way out of my eyes and I buried my face deep into the thin pillow. I couldn’t remember when I had last felt so lonely.



The next morning I woke up feeling depressed and my pillow was still wet with my tears. I got up reluctantly and got showered and dressed before heading out to do some grocery shopping. I spent a lot of time in the shop, carefully picking things that were cheap but at the same time filling. I lingered by the candy shelves for a moment but quickly moved away, mentally smacking myself. Dad would go mental if he’d see I had spent his money on something like candy. I didn’t deserve candy. The money was for food only.

I ended up buying mainly canned goods and felt good about not spending too much money. I had no idea how long dad would be gone and the money he had left might have to last for weeks even.

Once I got back home, I warmed up half a can of baked beans before moving to the livingroom and sitting on the couch to eat. I even turned on the TV and surfed through the channels for a moment before settling for some talk show where people talked about their problems. I couldn’t understand why people would want to go on TV to talk about the skeletons in their closets. I would have died if I had had to go on national television to talk about dad and my life. I didn’t want people to know. That was the last thing I wanted. When the talk show ended, I just shook my head in disbelieve and changed the channel. People were just crazy.

I spent the day lounging on the couch and staring at the TV numbly. I was bored and couldn’t understand how dad could sit on his barker lounge for hours and just stare at the screen. Movies I sort of understood but the talk and game shows? When I finally turned off the TV, I was more convinced than ever that TV wasn’t for me. Even though I knew that dad probably wouldn’t be back for another few days at least, I made sure everything was in immaculate order both in the livingroom and kitchen before going to bed. I didn’t want to risk angering dad and to be honest, keeping the apartment clean came naturally for me.





Four days after dad had left I was in the middle of frantically cleaning the apartment when there was a knock on our door. I hesitated for a moment before going to the door and opening it. It was a messenger with a packet for dad. I signed the papers and took the small packet from the man who looked like he was ready throw his bag on the floor and jump on it. I read through the label while walking to the kitchen but it didn’t say what was in it so I just left it on the kitchen counter waiting for dad. Maybe dad had mail ordered something and then forgotten that it was coming.

I returned to my cleaning and didn’t stop until I was convinced that the whole place was spotless. Cleaning was actually relaxing when I could do it in peace. When I had to be careful to not to make any noise in the fear of angering dad it was anything but relaxing but when I was alone, it definitely was. I liked clean. Our apartment was grimy, there was no way around it but at least it was clean. Dad liked clean too. He didn’t hit me as much when I did my chores properly. It was only fair that I cleaned, after all, he let me live here. He could have thrown me out. Like he had that night he had told Jonathan I was off limits. I felt the familiar tension return in my shoulders when I thought of Jonathan and how angry he had been. If dad hadn’t held him back he would have raped me again for sure.

Cold shivers ran down my back and I had to stop to breath for a moment. I couldn’t start panicking again. I couldn’t let the memory of the rape ruin everything. The Keeper had helped me get over it once, he wouldn’t do it again. The next time dad would send me to the Cave I’d have to work hard. If The Keeper got another complain about me freaking out on a customer, he’d beat me and cut my share for the bruises. I had seen it happen before. He gave you one chance to fix things and if you couldn’t, that was it. He didn’t care. He had new kids coming in every day. He didn’t need anybody. And he definitely wouldn’t need me if I’d fuck up again. Even though he always said how popular I was, I wasn’t the only popular kid in the club. Tristan was popular. Probably more popular than I had ever been. I knew I was getting too old to work at the Cave and it scared me. I had been terrified of working at the club since the first time I had been sent there but now it was familiar. That was what I knew. The day The Keeper would refuse to hire me, dad would be furious and there was no saying where I would end up. Probably on the streets.




I was starving after cleaning the whole apartment but went to take a shower before eating. I had been living on beans only for the past days. They were cheap and even though the taste was kind of bland, it was better than nothing. Jonathan hadn’t been around and it made me nervous. Don’t get me wrong, I was happy that the man hadn’t been coming over but somehow I felt like it was the calm before a storm. It wasn’t like Jonathan to give up.

I had just finished eating when there was a knock on our door again. A ball of fear settled in my stomach for a moment before I forced it away, convincing myself that nothing bad was going to happen.

It was Troy.

“Hi.” He said, quieter than usual and I noticed that he seemed nervous which wasn’t like him at all.

“H-Hi.”

“I.. um.. I wanted to say sorry. For Benton, you know, for how he acted the other day.” Troy said and I turned my eyes to the floor.

“It’s.. it’s al-alright. I.. I s-shouldn’t h-have co-come o-over.”

“No! I mean, I asked you to come over! It’s not you, okay? He just got issues. He’s been working too much lately and he’s really stressed. He said he was okay with me asking a friend over. I don’t know what got over him.” Troy said and I bit my lip nervously. I knew what came over him; it was me. He didn’t want me near his nephew and I couldn’t really blame him. Nothing good could come from me and Troy hanging out together. Benton didn’t like me and dad didn’t like Troy. We would both just get in trouble and for me it meant a beat up for sure. Dad didn’t believe in grounding, he believed in physical discipline.

Troy noticed that I was being quiet and hesitated for a moment before continuing. “Anyway, he’s not home now. Do you want to come over? He’ll be working all night.”

I looked up and bit my lip nervously for a moment before nodding stiffly. It was risky but it was nice having someone sort of a friend. I wasn’t really sure if we were friends with Troy or just neighbors. I didn’t really understand why he kept asking me to hang out with him, I couldn’t see anything he could gain from spending time with me, but I was grateful. I grabbed the spare key from its hook again before following Troy to his place.

The apartment felt different without Benton in there, although now that I knew it was his apartment, it was like I could sense him there. I felt like I wasn’t supposed to be there. Which I guess was true. Troy still seemed nervous when he got us cans of coke and some snacks before heading towards his room. I followed him in and he closed the door before settling on the bed. I followed his example and tried to make myself comfortable.

“Do you want to watch a movie?” Troy asked after a moment of heavy silence and I nodded quickly. I didn’t know why things were feeling so awkward between us now. I was feeling more awkward than the first time I had been over and that was a lot to say. Troy put on some random movie and we sprawled on the bed to watch it. It didn’t take long for me to relax and by the end of the movie we were laying on the bed together comfortably. The awkwardness had passed and Troy was back to being the talkative guy he was. He was telling me about his job interview the day before that had gone horribly wrong and he had made a total ass of himself. Apparently knocking over a hot cup of coffee all over the guy interviewing you didn’t get you the job. I thought it was really embarrassing and I would have died if it had happened to me but Troy seemed to be able to laugh at the whole situation and I had to smile at the way he was telling the story.

At some point I turned to look at him and just stared at him. His eyes sparkled with laughter when he chuckled at something again and he kept brushing his blond locks out of his eyes with his fingertips. His hair was perfect as always, messy but in a way you could see that it was intentional and I could smell his aftershave even from the other side of the bed. He looked like he could have stepped out of a magazine and I felt ugly laying there next to him. My hair was messy too but not in a trendy way; I cut it myself to keep it at a decent length and it looked like it too and I knew my eyes didn’t have the spark Troy’s did.

Troy turned his head to look at me and our eyes met. I turned away, blushing and swore at myself in my mind. I felt Troy shift closer and my whole body tensed in anticipation. He was going to hit me for so blatantly checking him out, I was sure. I needed to stop staring at him like an idiot. Troy leaned over me and I closed my eyes tightly, wincing at the feeling of his breath against my cheek. Troy didn’t say anything, just loomed over me and after a moment I opened my eyes carefully, expecting to see his brown eyes flaring with anger. Instead he was looking at me with an odd expression on his face, almost looking a little nervous again. We just stared at each other for a moment and then Troy leaned closer, pressing his lips against mine.

I took a sharp breath in and just lay under him stiffly, not kissing back but not pushing him away either. My mind was screaming but I just couldn’t bring myself to move. I felt Troy’s tongue stroke my lips and opened my mouth just slightly, like I did for customers at the Cave. The blond on top of me instantly deepened the kiss, thrusting his tongue deep in my mouth and moved closer again. His body covered mine and pressed me firmly against the bed. Troy’s hands started roaming my body and I felt myself starting to hyperventilate. I felt like I was paralyzed under him, until his hands found the button of my jeans. When I felt the button pop open, panic took over. I let out a muffled yell of fear and started pushing Troy away, tears burning in my eyes. No, no, no.

Troy didn’t budge at first but when I hit his chest with my fists, he finally moved away. As soon as I felt his bodyweight shift off of me, I scampered out of the bed and backed away from him. Troy looked puzzled and I just stared at him with wide eyes, panting heavily.

“Jason?” He asked and moved to get off the bed.

A fresh wave of panic ran through me and I bolted for the door. All I could hear was blood rushing in my ears and Troy yelling my name when I ran from the apartment and upstairs. When I got home, I locked the door and had trouble putting on the safety chain because I was panting so hard and my hands kept shaking. I could hear Troy coming behind our door and flinched violently when he knocked.

“Jason?”

I backed away from the door quickly and ran to my room, closing the door and curling up on my mattress against the corner, pulling the blanket over myself. I could still hear Troy behind our door and felt tears run down my cheeks uncontrollably. After a moment the knocking stopped and I couldn’t hear Troy anymore and I closed my eyes tightly, hugging my trembling body tightly with my shaky arms.