Gender Dysphoria: How it Feels to Live a Lie

Thank yous go out to all my reviewers! Thank you guys soooo much.

And to the recent reviewers:

Anna Belle: Thanks, I'm trying though I slacked off there for a minute.
Kasandra: Thank you very much. You're a sweetheart.
MikiyuSado: Yes, I've seen Soldier's Girl but it's been a good while. I'd say when it premiered on I think it was Showtime a few years ago now was when I had seen it. I liked it as well. Wish they'd play it again and lay off showing King Kong and whatnot over and over. Publishing? Well that's very sweet of you to say.

Chapter XVI


Three days from today was gonna be Eddie’s birthday and he would turn 14 years old. I wanted to buy him something and have it shipped in time for his birthday, but I had the hardest time trying to figure out what he would like as a gift, cause the last time I saw him, he was 11 and I’m pretty sure he doesn’t like the same kiddy stuff he liked back then. I walked alone in one of the large toy stores in Vegas and started searching around. ……Agh! What do you get a 14 year old?! I finally decided to buy a Sony PSP. It put a little hole in my pocket, but hey—it’s for my little brother.

I was flying solo that day. I was pissed with Marcus so I borrowed Savannah’s car and did my shopping. What happened between me and Marcus, you ask? He’s NEVER here anymore! It seems like after the get-together we had with my friends at his house, he’s been busy as hell. Calling off dates the night of, leaving the house unexpectedly after sex, going out of town a lot………Where does that leave ME in all this? As we speak, he’s in Seattle helping with some architecture…..building…..thingy I DON’T KNOW! But he’s been gone for over a week now.

I drove to a post office and had Eddie’s birthday present packaged and mailed back to Parker’s Hill, Florida. It was a slow day that day—I wasn’t scheduled to go to the diner until 2—so I just messed around in the city window shopping. I had stopped at a display window ogling over some gorgeous pairs of Cristian Dior pumps when I heard, “Hey there, cutie.”

I looked to my right and saw a man with black hair dressed in a very nice suit. Sadly, I knew the man. “Tony.” Yes, THE Tony Jensen who I ‘worked’ for.

“Oh good, you still remember me.” He smirked. “How are you Gwen?”

“I’m good, thanks. You?” He wants something.

“Good. I’m good. Great actually, now that I found you.” Oh wonderful. You see? I knew we’d eventually get on that subject.

“What do you mean?”

“Well,” He stepped up closer to me. “you left quite the impact on a few customers while you were working for me. Some have actually stopped coming, saying that once I get you back, to call them and let them know. Like that guy, Jack, who was obsessed with leather. You remember him?”

I nodded. “I remember Jack.”

“Haven’t seen him since. A lot of people miss you at the hotel, Gwen. The girls miss you and so do I. What do you think about giving it a shot again, eh?”

I smiled, shaking my head. “No way.”

Tony frowned. “Why not?”

“Cause I’m through with that. That part of my life is over.”

“Is it? That part of your life where you’d make $500 a day…….is over?”

He made that money sound so sweet, but no, no, I’d have to strip naked just to get it and I’m not doing that anymore. The only person I’m stripping for is Marcus……when I’m done being pissed at him that is. “That’s right.” I replied.

“And there is nothing I could do that would change your mind?”

“No.”

Tony sighed. “Fair enough. You must be doing well at the diner then—pulling in your…..tips.” He gently touched my chin. “I just hope that it lasts.” I frowned as I watched him walk past me, continuing down the walkway. I just hope it lasts? What kind of nonsense is that?


***


I get home to my apartment that afternoon and check the messages on my answering machine as I start to get ready for work.

“Hello, this is ShoppingSpree.com and you could win an all expense paid trip to Cozumel, Mexico for you and three other friends. All you have to do is answer this mere 100 question survey and become a member with 4 of our 110 ad sponsors and you’ll be on your way to—“ I came out my room and clicked delete before I went back to changing my clothes.

“Hi Gwenie-poo, it’s Savannah. I was just calling to tell you I won’t need the car after all. Ian’s got his car fixed so I’m gonna ride with him to the casino tonight. Kisses, bye.”

BEEP!

“Hey Gwen, it’s Marcus. This is probably the 50th message I’ve left you since I’ve been gone. I don’t know, you might erase this one too—and yes I know you’re erasing my messages but we’ll talk about that when I get back, which is tonight actually. I’ll be home by the time you get off work tonight so come by my place. I’ve got dinner and a surprise for you. Bye.”

I paused in sliding my jeans on. He’s coming home? Tonight? Yay! Oh I’m so happy! No I’m not, I’m mad, remember? I’m supposed to be mad. I decided I would go and see Marcus at his place tonight but he was gonna know that I’m not liking this new situation he’s making me put up with.

Normally when Marcus and I have dates whether at home or out at a restaurant, we get dressed up. Not too fancy, just nice, you know? Well, he was going to get shocked when he’d see me. I stood, knocking on Marcus’ door wearing a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt. My hair was pulled back in a ponytail and even THAT was sloppily done. Marcus answered the door wearing black slacks and a white with black pinstripe dress shirt that he had rolled the sleeves up on. WOW. His body just looked good wearing anything. Ugh! I wanted so bad to pounce on that man and literally rip those clothes off him, but I couldn’t…….I’m mad.

He saw me leaning against the doorframe with one hand and my other hand placed at my hip. Taking one long glance-over at my attire, he chuckled. “Hi. You look………nice.”

“Thank you.” I replied flatly. When he leaned forward to kiss me, I stepped out the way and walked inside the house. I heard him clear his throat from behind me and shut the door. “So is the food ready or what, cause I’m starving. Oh and welcome back by the way.”

“Yeah. It’s ready and thank you.”

“Good.” I marched myself to the kitchen to fix my own plate. Marcus fixed his own as well and joined me in the dining room where I was eating silently. Marcus had really went all out for tonight and there I was dressed like a bum. The dining room was illuminated with candlelight and he had a bottle of what I had thought was champagne on ice in the center of the table, but once he poured us both a glass, I realized it was sparkling cider. Marcus doesn’t like for me to drink in his presence because I’m not yet 21. I’ve told him a billion times that I’ve been drinking since I was 18, but he swears a drink will never be issued by him to me until I’m ‘of age’. He prepared chicken primavera and mashed red potatoes with a mushroom sauce over it……..it was so good, I would’ve moaned if I wasn’t supposed to be mad at him. So instead, I slouched over with an elbow on the table and my chin in my hand as I ate with the other. Wilbur finally came in from wherever he was dragging a rubber banana with him. He sat quietly in the corner twirling the fake banana in his hands, biting it on occasion, causing the toy to make a squeaking noise. Marcus even had a small white, short sleeve, dress shirt on him with a black bowtie. He looked so sweet.

Marcus suddenly stopped eating and looked at me kinda funny like. “What?” I asked.

“Nothing. I just missed you, is all. I missed seeing that beautiful face of yours….”

I smiled before I knew what I was doing. But once I finally DID notice, I stopped, covering my mouth. “Shut up.” I heard him laugh.

“…Your smooth skin…” I closed my eyes. “…That sexy ass…”

“Marcus!”

“How long you gonna put on this act?”

“What act?”

“You’re upset that I’ve been gone a lot lately, so you’re pretending to be mad at me.”

“Who says I’m pretending?”

“….You’re pretending.”

I rolled my eyes. “Well, don’t you think I have a right to be upset? You’ve been gone like all the time now. I hardly get to see you anymore.”

He sighed. “I’ve got to work, baby. Otherwise, how will I be able to keep giving you nice things?”

“If this is the sacrifice I have to make just for gifts, then I’d rather you not get me anything.”

Marcus was silent for a moment, twisting the long neck of his champagne glass absently around in a circle on the table. “It won’t be like this forever. It’s just for a little while. We’ve….gotten really busy lately at work and I gotta go when I’m needed.”

“You’re not cheating on me, are you?” I asked unexpectedly.

“What? No.”

“You promise?”

“I promise. There is no one else, Gwen.” I saw the sincerity in his eyes and I knew he was telling the truth. There was no other woman, he was just obsessed with work……I guess. “Oh, I almost forgot my surprise for you.” He got up and walked out the dining room. I sat there, breaking off a few pieces of my remaining chicken to hand to Wilbur, and waited for him to return. I didn’t hear him approach so I jumped when I saw something drop in front of my eyes. The first thing I saw was the thin gold chain than glimmered in the candlelight. I looked down at the concave of the chain and saw five diamonds dangling from it. Starting from the diamond that was attached near the necklace, each subsequent diamond got larger and larger, forming an ‘S’ curve. For all you ladies who think that sounds familiar, yes, he bought me the journey diamond. The big one.

My mouth dropped when I saw the necklace and I touched it lightly as it dangled before my eyes. “Oh. My. God.”

“Do you like it?”

“I love it. It’s beautiful.”

“I hoped you would.” I lifted my hair out the way as he hooked the necklace about my neck. He then kissed my neck. “It looks good on you.” I touched his lightly stubble cheek and smiled. “Still don’t want anymore gifts?” He asked.

I looked up for a moment thinking . “Well, I like this one. Thank you for this, Marcus.”

He smirked back at me. “The nights only half over. Wait right here.” I watched him walk away again in the direction of his livingroom. I was watching as Wilbur tiredly climbed his little body on his circular sleeping mat and fall asleep, when I heard music being played. The tune was slow, jazzy, and romantic with a very classic emphasis. I remembered seeing an old record player in his livingroom many times before but I thought the thing was more for decoration, I didn’t think it actually worked. He came back and took my hand, silently leading me to the room that was also lit with candles. There we stood in the middle of the carpeted floor and slow danced to the nusic.

I wanna Sunday, kind of love,
A love to last, past Saturday night.
I’d like to know, if it’s more than love at first sight.
I wanna Sunday kind of love…

“Who is that?” I asked curious.

“Etta James. One of many jazz icons.”

“Mmm.”

“You don’t know who she is, do you?”

“…….No.”

He laughed. “She’s like Ella Fitzgerald. You know her?”

“Her name rings a bell. Sort of.”

“You must know Billy Holiday, don’t you?”

A light suddenly came on in my head. “Oh yeah. I know who he is.” Marcus started laughing again. “What?”

“Billy Holiday is a woman.” I frowned at his near hysterical laughter.

“You know, you keep laughing at me, you’re gonna be laughing alone.” I pouted.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I just never thought you were that jazz illiterate.” He fell into another fit of chuckles that just tore him up so bad, he broke away from me and bent over grabbing his knees. I sighed rolling eyes and I started to walk by him towards the front door but he grabbed my arm. “Okay! I’ll stop.”

“Marcus, you’d better stop making fun of me.”

“I’m not……All right I was. I’m sorry, baby, come’ere.” He pulled me close to him again and leaned down to kiss me. I wrapped my arms around him and kissed him back eagerly. I missed my big lug terribly and I wanted to be as close to him as I could tonight cause who knows, he might be gone again tomorrow. He slid his tongue in my mouth and I moaned, massaging my own with his.

Marcus’ hands were at my waist but soon moved up and under my sweatshirt, caressing my skin. I loved his hands. They were big, strong, manly hands, but at the same time could be the gentlest appendages that ever touched my body. He could make me melt just by his hands alone. We broke away briefly when he pulled the sweatshirt over my head—revealing my red bra—and tossed it behind him. I crushed my lips back to his and nearly took both our breaths away, then I practically ripped the shirt he had on trying to unbutton the buttons quickly. When I finally got the damn thing off, I jerked it off his shoulders so I could kiss his chest and shoulders. I felt his chest rumble a bit when he started to laugh.

“You are begging for it tonight, aren’t you? I must really have your ass sprung, huh?” I bit his shoulder. “Ow!”

“No more talking unless it’s grunts, moans, ‘oh yeah baby’, or something related to sex, understand?”

He smiled. “Yes, Mam.”

“Good.” I dropped to my knees and started to unbuckle the sleek black belt around his slacks. Once that was open and I unzipped his pants, I pulled it and his gray briefs down his strong legs. As I grabbed his steady growing erection and started stroking it, I felt Marcus’ hands reach for the band around my ponytail and pulled it off so he could run his fingers through my wavy hair. He groaned loudly when I placed my mouth around him, sucking slowly. I didn’t go all the way down this time, instead I used one hand to stroke the remainder with and my other hand to fondle the sac behind it. I picked up my speed and started to go a little faster, pushing a bit deeper, and swallowing around him on occasion, then I pulled away to lick a long line from base to tip before I focused my attention on his scrotum, first sucking on one then the other. Marcus tilted his head back with his eyes closed, placing both his hands behind his head.

“Ooooohhh fuck.” He whispered.

He was definitely hard as a rock when I stopped and laid back on the carpet floor. He kicked off his pants and tossed them aimlessly on the couch before he kneeled down next to me. Removing my tennis shoes and popping the button to my jeans, he slowly peeled off my jeans leaving on the matching red underwear I had on. His big hands ran over my calves and thighs and I had to shiver at the sumptuous feeling. “I’m gonna take my time with you tonight. Is that alright?” he asked in a husky voice. I nodded my head ‘yes’ and he smiled. Opening my legs, he lifted one leg up high and started at my ankle, gliding the tip of his tongue down my calf, past my knee, to the inside of my thigh. I giggled a bit. I was ticklish there. He just smiled and grabbed my other leg, planting kisses from my thigh back up to my ankle. It was either the shots I had taken that day or I was getting really turned on or BOTH, cause I started to feel extremely hot. I wasn’t sick, I was just suddenly overwhelmed with…..arousal and I started to breathe a bit heavier. I told you, his hands…….those HEAVENLY hands!

Marcus brought my legs over his shoulders and he ran his hands slowly down the back of my legs to my underwear and peeled them off of me. Reaching next to us on the couch, he grabbed his slacks and pulled out a small bottle of lube and a condom. Ripping the small package open, he pulled out the rubber and put it on. Next he poured some lube on his fingers and pushed them in to stretch me. I bit my lip and groaned as he slid two fingers in and started pumping my backside and my erection at the same time. But I cried out when he placed in a third and started to stroke my prostate. “Ah! Oh please, Marcus!”

“Alright, baby.” He greased up his dick then placed the tip at my entrance. With one deep breath, Marcus pushed inside me in one go and groaned as I arched my back in total bliss. He didn’t move yet but he wrapped my legs around his waist and laid on top of me. With his hands in my hair tenderly, he leaned down and kissed me. I’d never experienced such ecstasy in all my life. This man HAD to be a dream. I mean nobody could be THIS damn good at sex…....right? I don’t know but if he wasn’t, he was sure enough close to perfect. He kissed down my jaw to nibble on my ear then he started to suck on my neck. I just had to close my eyes at the euphoria he was putting me in. I ran my hands up and down his back, feeling his skin shiver under my fingertips.

The normal initial pain had worn off by now and I was ready to get things ‘going’ if you know what I mean. However, Marcus had other plans apparently cause he was as still down below as a metal lightening rod. I tried to wiggle a bit to jump start him, but he refused to start moving. “Marcuuuuussssss.” I whined.

I laughed. “You said I could take my time with you. That’s what I’m doing.” Damn it, I didn’t think he was that serious about it though. He reached under me and unhooked the bra I was wearing and tossed it. Grabbing one breast, he started flicking his tongue over my nipple repeatedly and I arched my back, moaning loudly when the move shifted his dick inside me. He suckled on it then did the other much the same way.

I was going crazy. I was panting, and moaning, and shaking, and had my hands pulling at my hair……..Why wouldn’t he move?! “Marcus, stop teasing me!” I said, which was supposed to sound angry, but came out more lustful and horny than anything else. I felt his body starting to tremble even more and I knew he couldn’t hold out any longer. He pushed his upper body up on his hands and started to fuck me. I gasped at the sudden burst of energy and I scratched his back. Our moans were made jointly—the song long since stopped playing and we were making our own music. I placed my hands on both sides of his neck and kissed him hard, never able to get enough of his lips or his taste.

That familiar burning in my loins came and I could feel my orgasm approaching. And then…..his cellphone rings. And he stopped to reach for it in his pants’ pocket. I knew it was his people from work. It’s always his people from work. I knew he wanted to answer it so I did the first thing that came to my mind. I begged. “Don’t answer it.”

“But it’s work. I—“

“Please?” he looked down at me then the phone that was still buzzing away. He flipped it open pressed END and closed it back. We started back in our lovemaking but it didn’t last very long cause my orgasm finally came and I was exhausted. Marcus came soon after me and collapsed. I wrapped my arms around his shoulders and pressed my face into his neck. I was getting sleepy. Marcus noticed this and decided to carry me to his bedroom. He laid me down on the bed and he crawled in on the other side. Sleep came instantly for the both of us.


***


I heard the sound of Marcus’ house phone ringing and I felt him move one arm from around me to answer it. I faked sleep. “Ello?.........Yeah, what is it?........What do you mean? Where’d he go?.............And he’s not back?...........Alright, alright, I’m coming.” He hung up the phone. He gently—so as not to disturb me—slid his arms from around me to get up and go to the shower. I just laid there confused. He must be really busy with this architecture business if it gets him phone calls at 11:30 at night. Should I be nervous? What’s going on with him?

Marcus came out the bathroom and slipped into a pair of black briefs when I sat up in bed. “Where are you going?” I asked.

“David, one of my helpers, drove to California to pick up some supplies that just came in.” He said as he put on a pair of jeans. “He drove by himself and he hasn’t come back yet. I’ma go help find him.”

I nodded. “Oh.” I didn’t know whether to believe that or not. “I hope you find him.”

He pulled a blue shirt over his head. “So do I.”

I moved to get out of bed. “Should I go then?”

“No. No, you don’t need to go. You can stay here.” He sat on the edge of the bed. “Besides, I wont be gone long. I promise.” He kissed me then grabbed his shoes and walked out. I sighed as I flopped back on the bed, looking at the ceiling, clutching the new necklace around my neck. There’s something he’s not telling me.



The song Marcus played is called Sunday Kind of Love by Etta James. It's a very old jazz song but I think it's romantic and I saw Gwen and Marcus together when I first heard it.