Passion, Proof, Power
Chapter 16
Passion, Proof, Power
Chapter 16
I woke up on Saturday late in the morning with no hangover. After a nice and quiet breakfast, I sat at the kitchen table. I knew I should have gone back to my French books or my guitar, but all I could think about was Logan. Come to think of it, I knew nothing about him. Except he had a nice dick and he works in the publishing industry. I had to find out more.
I also had a strange feeling he knew more about me than Ieva or I knew about him. Call it a hunch, I don't really know why. Maybe they had met before during a similar event, or through common contacts. So I brought my laptop to the kitchen table, pulled up social network websites and knowledge databases and started looking through.
My searches gave me a very light overview. Found out he's forty-nine – nineteen years my senior – and indeed McAllister Publishing's owner. There were various pictures of him, but not a whole lot, and... that's about it. No huge magazine articles about him, no official biographies yet, no apparent drama, nothing.
Man, I felt like a stalker or a lovesick teenager. But I felt I had to know who I was about to deal with. However, my meagre findings led me to believe I would have to just wait it out.
I brought the laptop back in the living room and put it on the desk, then fell backwards on the couch. I was bored. Logan gave me no way to contact him, and it would have been far too odd for me to call at McAllister Publishing and asked for their C.E.O. while giggling like a little girl. I even checked the phone book and found nothing.
Fuck, I needed to be patient.
But... why patience when I had a fuck buddy?
So I headed downstairs and knocked on Kevin and Xue's door. There was no immediate answer, but that didn't bother me.
The door cracked open. Xue peeked outside. Most of her body was hidden by the door, though I could see just enough bare skin and sweat-matted hair to understand I was the one who bothered her. Fuck. “Oops.”
“Hey Sammi... I'm a little busy right now...” Her trimmed eyebrows knit and she wrinkled her nose. “I thought it might have been Kevin coming back, he forgot his keys this morning, the big idiot,” she continued, a little more at ease. She shot me an apologetic smile. “Come back down in the evening?”
I chuckled awkwardly. “Yeah, sure.” Still, curiosity got the best of me and I tilted my head, hoping to see what girl or guy she was currently busy with. “Sorry for bugging you, I'll come back later.” Couldn't see him, so I grinned in her direction and winked. “Have fun.”
Xue chuckled lightly, returned the wink and closed the door.
Well, so much for a quick fuck.
I went back to my apartment and stood in the living room for a moment. Best to do in this case, was something I should have been doing instead of looking for a quick sex fix: play my guitar.
I turned off the TV, turned on my amp, plugged headphones, grabbed my guitar and played.
~
When I realized I needed to go to the bathroom, it was at well past four in the afternoon. The natural light that came in through the window was a dimmed cold orange. I could see a light snow falling. A peaceful afternoon just went by.
That's what this instrument does to me. I get really into it. I forget everything around me and focus on that alone. It's just the sounds, the feeling of my fingers on the neck and the strings, the music and me.
But after a while, body functions kick in and I gotta stop.
I fixed myself a small supper since I wasn't too hungry. Just a small BLT sandwich and a large cup of coffee, which I quietly ate at the table. I settled on a local game show, put on subtitles and simply watched it. I can't understand most of it, but I catch things every now and then. Yes, no, general culture things that sounds similar in English. I ought to let these shows run while I'm doing daily chores.
Hunger didn't help the other craving I had. I really wanted to get laid again. Less than twenty-four hours and I needed more human contact.
I went downstairs again and hoped Kevin was back. I knew he wasn't a nine-to-five guy, but Xue did tell me he would be back this evening, and it was almost six p.m.
I knocked on the wooden door. I heard Xue speak in French through the door and it opened a mere five seconds or so later. I smiled, ready to see my friends and hang out and have sex later on and-
The one who answered the door was neither Kevin or Xue. A man with a dark beige winter coat. Medium-length brown hair, thin rectangular glasses, five-o'clock shadow beard, charming smile...
My own smile melted away into a dumbfounded frown.
“D... Darren?”
Never thought I'd see him again. Never wanted to. I froze in place. My eyes stung. “You motherf-...”
“Who's- Hey, Sammi! Come in,” Kevin offered. I couldn't. I stood there, not knowing how to react. Hit Darren? Run away? Push him away and make out with Kevin because I felt the need to show him I moved on? I'm no actor...
I can't handle this...
“Sammi?”
I ran.
I just fucking flew up the stairs, flung the door open and slammed it in my wake. I stood in the living room, unable to move anymore. I looked around everywhere, the apartment suddenly feeling so wide yet so small, so different, so alien. My arms shook. My legs refused to move. I threw my head backwards and cried out.
I heard the door open behind me, but I didn't care. I finally took control over my body, or so I thought, and I flew to the bathroom. I barely reached the toilet before I emptied my stomach in it. The liquid burned down my throat and so did the tears in my eyes.
A large hand pulled my hair back, and another held me steady as I retched. My stomach contracted again, but I was completely empty. I remained on all fours for a minute, then let myself fall backwards on my ass.
“Where are your towels?”
I pointed to the cupboard under the sink with a shaky hand. I couldn't breathe right. Whenever I tried to swallow, the pain in my throat flared up and made me cough even more.
“Here.” Kevin presented me a warm wet towel and sat down by me. He tilted his head and watched me intently as I cleaned myself. Not the very best display of my abilities, mind you, and a bit of an awkward time to be looked over.
He reached for my hair again and gently pulled a strand back. “Are you alright?”
I nodded weakly. I didn't wanna talk. I wanted to hug him, to feel his arms around me... but he's not my lover. He's a friend though – a friend with benefits. We had agreed on no string attached, but I found it hard. Even harder when the man I was with before, who spent cold nights with me in Helsinki and held me in his arms... and yet dumped me by phone instead of picking me up from the airport... was downstairs.
I did it anyways. I spread my arms and wrapped them around Kevin's shoulders. His hands travelled from my back to my thighs. He picked me up and carried me like a child. Not the most metal thing ever... but like I gave a fuck. I needed comfort.
He let go of me just in front of the couch. I sat down and so did he.
“You know him?”
I scoffed and looked away. My eyes stung again. “My ex.”
“It's a small world. Sometimes a little too small,” he added with a hint of sadness.
I felt like breaking down. It hurt. From the day it ended until today, I tried to push it all away, to act like it had never happened. But I couldn't ignore two years of my life anymore. Sure, a good part of it was long-distance, but I always felt it was genuine.
Maybe I needed to stop ignoring it and do something about it. Get rid of that feeling once and for all. Move on. I turned my head towards Kevin and furrowed my brows. “I dated him for two years. Whether it's Xue or you who's sleeping with him, I don't care... but I wanna know how long it's been happening.”
He took a deep breath and slowly released it as he thought it through. “I'm seeing him. It hasn't been long. A few weeks, maybe two. I talked to him once and said he had another fling recently, but didn't mention anything about it.”
“A fling?” I scoffed again, fuming. “A fling? Two years? Of spending time with him whenever he came to Finland? All the emails, the texts, the phone calls at three in the morning? The video conversations, the cyber sex and the real one too? Did it mean nothing to him?!” My voice resonated in the room – I screamed, but I didn't give a fuck. My hands balled into fists. “How could it not mean anything? And you? Look I don't want him to hurt-”
“Sammi-”
“I know both of you have more partners but that's no reason to take advantage-”
He grabbed my shoulders, but I kept hammering on. “What I mean is... did he ever mean it when he was with me? Was I also his fling in Finland or... just...”
Kevin's hand slid down my arms. He gently got hold of my hands. “Sammi, calm down...” He took a deep breath. Our eyes met. “Look, if you want me to talk to him-”
“No!”
He drew back a bit, but that was it. “For all I know he could have had a short-term thing with another guy between then and now... but I value honesty. I'll try to see what I can get out of him, though if you don't want me to talk about it with him, I won't bring it up.”
I sighed and relaxed in Kevin's light warm grip. I wasn't even mad at him. It was Darren. It hit me that I trusted a man I met a month ago, over my ex-boyfriend of two years...
I looked down to my feet. Black socks look very interesting when you try to take your mind off idiots.
“If you want, I can spend the night here...” he suggested.
Frankly, I didn't know. He had been with Darren before and I was somehow afraid of that smell. On the other hand, I craved for human touch. “Gonna sound like a stupid question...”
“No such thing as a stupid question, Sammi.”
“Between the time you slept with him and well, now... you took a shower, right?”
I think he saw that coming. He nodded. “Yeah, I did."
“Stay here a while?” I asked, a little uneasy, a little hopeful.
He patted my hand. “Sure.” He looked around the living room until he saw my guitar. “Show me what you can do. I wanna see you play.”
“With pleasure. That's about the only thing I can get right.”
~
That night, Kevin ended up sleeping in my bed. I woke up a few times, between nightmares and his pager going off. I didn't mind when he left though. At that point I felt better enough to sleep on my own, and I didn't even notice when he closed the door. I also imagine he ran down the stairs, but didn't hear anything of that either.
I woke up with the phone. My home phone, no less. It doesn't ring often, mind you. I make local calls, sometimes the odd long-distance to Finland, otherwise I prefer my cellphone. Because it's mine.
“Hello?”
“Samuli Holopainen?”
Slightly taken aback by the voice, I wrinkled my nose. “Yes.”
“Good morning. It's Logan. How are you?”
Huh... wow. “I'm fine. Yourself?”
“I'm alright. Sorry to call you so early. I got your phone number from your manager, but I couldn't wait anymore.” Damn, that voice... It's not Adrian Shepard, but not too far off. A little higher on the scale and more poised. Fuck. “I was wondering if you were still interested in a date. You said couldn't do Monday or Tuesday, but what about Wednesday?”
Anything to keep busy. “Of course. Unless something pops up.”
“Do you like Japanese food, Sammi?”
“Yeah, I do.”
“Perfect. There's a restaurant downtown that we could go to. Let me give you the address.” He paused as he looked it up – I guess, I wasn't there to see what he was doing – and I jotted it down afterwards. A short drive, as I recalled.
I toyed with my hands. Man, I was getting a date. A real fucking date. How amazing was that!? I didn't care that it was probably some rich-ass guy, as long as he kept being nice and charming and all. Only one way to figure it out, and it was to give it a shot.
“Is seven p.m. good for you?”
I nodded to myself. “That's a good time.”
“I'll see you there, then. Have a good day, Sammi.”
I had to stop myself from squealing. “Have a good day too, Logan.”
I hung up as I sat at the kitchen table. He said he'd contact me, but I didn't expect it to be that fast. Just a day. The problem was waiting for the date. I was so curious and so excited! A date! A real one! Fuck yeah!
Awake for ten minutes and the day was already awesome. Hard to beat, considering I've never been a morning person.
Let's see what the rest of the day has in store.