Rind.

We were young when I fell in love with him. He was the first I'd ever felt this way about, and in my eyes, he was perfect. I loved him madly, lavished attention on him. I learned to be a hunter for him. Ideste favored certain game, and I learned to kill them swiftly, bringing them for his evening meal. My father seemed to like him well enough; he helped me to braid pelts for him and bring him shells to decorate his hair.

I was eighteen when I met him, my training barely begun. My father served in a regiment parallel to his father's. His father was an alpha.
Over time, we came to know each other. We courted. In the seventh month of our second year, Sparo arrived. He began lurking immediately, going after Ideste when he thought I wasn't around or wouldn't find out. I hated him. We were twenty then.

Here, Gustin interrupted.
"So he was the interloper, trying to usurp your first love...but you didn't kill him."
Still wrapped securely in the drying sheet, Gustin regarded Kuskellanar doubtfully. Kellan shook his head.
"I didn't kill him, Gustin."
Gustin shrugged.
"Finish the story."

It took some time for it to become clear that his intentions were serious. He went to Ideste's father, asked permission. Alpha Saanduk adored me, of course, and he was denied. But that made no matter to Sparo. The hatred between us grew deeper as time passed, and his ardor for Ideste grew stronger. At the summer festival, in our third year together, I found them in the garden at my parents' home. Sparo was attempting to force himself on Ideste; my love was struggling against him and crying out. I beat him senseless there, in the garden. With my teeth, I had planned to tear his throat out, but Ideste's crying stayed my hand. Ideste was merciful; it was only because of him that Sparo lived another day.

Afterwards, he was cautious of me. Not cautious enough; I found him twice in the halls, speaking to Ideste, my poor love too frightened to move away. I wanted to kill him for ever coming near, but the times were inopportune. I was twenty-one then, preparing to receive my position soon. Ideste was nearly ready to bond. Still, Sparo continued to haunt us. Then, one evening two nights before the fall festival, Sparo arrived with a new beta, one from another part of Arem'mir, who he introduced as his promised mate. Ideste and I were ecstatic. We thought our troubles were finally over. Sparo seemed occupied enough, and we were happy. Feeling in good spirits, I invited them to dine with us at the festival. I was eager to put our hatred away, and Sparo seemed to be as well. Ideste was troubled by the idea, I remember, but I'd thought he was just over-worrying. Ideste had a tendency to do that - to worry about every minor detail, overinterpret every whisper and glance. I told him all would be well, that this could be our chance to settle peacefully with Sparo and live out the rest of our lives in comfort. Wolfes, you see, always seek peace. We fight only when it becomes a necessity.

The night of the fall festival, we went into the dining hall. Everything was arrayed as it always was - food and banners, colors and drink. Sparo and the promised mate - I don't now remember his name - were across from Ideste and I. Ideste seemed so nervous at the time, and I couldn't understand why. Sparo was perfectly calm, polite, kind to both he and I. It seemed all the past troubles were at rest. But it was all a ruse, and I was a fool to believe it. Sparo left momentarily, excusing himself to bring drinks for the table. While he was gone, my love began to look a bit pale. The evening was wearing on him, he said, all the festivities and work. We excused ourselves to our room, left an apology with the mate.

Upstairs, he said he wanted to go to bed. I let him sleep. I wanted to stay with him, but I would have been rude not to at least briefly present myself to his family and certain other members of the pack during the meal. When I left, he was sleeping. When I came back, the door was sitting ajar and there was shouting from inside. I entered and saw the only thing I needed to - Sparo's hands were around Ideste's throat. I leapt. I attacked. I shifted. As a wolfe, I bit him, choked him, took him down by the neck so hard I thought I would snap it right then and there. Then there was this sound - this horrible, wet, wrenching sound like heavy rope being cut and he seized up in my grasp and stopped struggling against me. When I looked down, I saw my knife, fallen free when I had shifted, submerged entirely in his heart. Ideste's hand was still on it.

I shook his neck to be sure he was dead, but the blood was pouring out so quickly and so copious that I knew there was no alternative. Ideste dropped the knife. His eyes were empty. He was so terrified. He looked up at me, and I knew in the moment that Ideste had killed Sparo, he had also killed himself. My heart - my heart is still breaking for my lover, Gustin. My eyes will never forget his face. He was too gentle for things like that, too soft in spirit. I was going to protect him. I had to protect him! I was supposed to protect him. And I'd failed.

In a few minutes, someone came. They called the Alphas. I was taken away. Ideste was still in shock, didn't speak out, didn't cry, did not say anything. And his eyes were so empty. I wanted to tell him that I loved him, but I was muzzled and they marched me out.

At first, I think they wanted to kill me. I don't know what stopped them. My youth, perhaps, or some favor Saanduk had for me. I wanted to die. Those first, aching days without Ideste with me, not knowing if he was alright or alive or anything at all, I wanted to die. Some day, only a few hours after dawn, Saanduk came to talk to me. He told me that Ideste was ill, had gone pale because of what I'd done. I couldn't tell him that it wasn't me who killed Sparo. I could not break his heart as well. I could not put Ideste to trial - he was my lover, Gustin. I loved him. I thought he would be my mate. I asked if Ideste had spoken about me. He told me Ideste had not spoken at all. He told me they were going to exile me, that today would be my last hour on Arem'mir, once and for all. They did not let me say goodbye to my family.

The transport dropped me here, in wolfish form, naked and muzzled onto the cold ground. I couldn't adjust at first to the atmosphere - that, and lack of food, made it difficult to shift. I would have starved, most likely, but the Layer found me first, helped me to get the muzzle off, then fed me for the night. I looked on him as a prisoner who sees a dove from the gallows. In my mind, my fate was already sealed. I knew I had been sent here to die.

Gustin was rapt, his legs drawn up under him, his brow creased and eyes blazing.
"What made you want to live again, then?"
Kellan frowned, gazed off into the distance for a moment.
"I simply wanted to see Ideste."
Gustin was shaking a little, wiggling his leg in the way that Kellan had come to know meant he was thinking. Kellan poked at some wood dust with his toe.
"That relationship was different from ours, Gustin."
"Yeah, no shit."
"You are my mate. Ideste was my love, but I never mated him. The positions you hold in my heart will never be the same."
Gustin frowned, then it lifted and a strange expression took its place.
"Great. Listen, I think you need to reexamine what happened to you with Ideste."
Kuskellanar cocked his head. The statement was unexpected.
"In what way, human?"
Gustin looked cautiously to the side.
"I don't think he is who you think he is."
Kellan's look darkened.
"Are you accusing Ideste of being a liar, human?"
"No. I'm accusing you of being a sucker."
Kellan's eyebrows shot up and he sat back a little.
"You call your mate a fool?"
"I think you believed in him too blindly, wolfe. Ideste set you up. At least I think he did. I think he meant to use you to take Sparo out. I don't think the murder happened how you think it did."
Kellan frowned again.
"Enlighten me, human." he said, dryly. "How do you believe it occurred?"
Gustin shrugged.
"I think Ideste and Sparo were having an affair."
Kellan growled, for real this time, and he was on his feet, snarling across the space at his human mate.
"How dare you! Who are you?! You are nobody! Just a spiritless whore - you are not like Ideste! You are not like me! You know nothing of my lover, nothing of Sparo and his unceasing madness, nothing of the things I witnessed between the two, and nothing of our love!" To Gustin's total shock and surprise, Kellan took the bowl he'd been sipping, threw it violently into the fire pit, and turned on his heel and left for the bathing room. A moment passed.
"Geez." Gustin said quietly to noone. "That reexamination didn't seem to go well."
~:~

Kellan stayed in the other room for as long as he could. But by evening, the need was back, and he had to emerge or suffer painfully alone. Gustin was pretty worried by then, even looked relieved to see Kellan come stalking out of the bathing room with that look in his eyes that said he was unprepared for anything less than what he wanted. Kellan took Gustin over the low dinner table first, then twice after they made it into bed and seemed interested in a third but then dozed off, sometime after midnight. Gustin laid awake, staring at the moon.