Institutionalized

Two days later and its Halloween – my favourite day of the year. I'd started the day by using a Sharpie to draw glasses and a lightening bolt shaped scar on my face. I couldn’t think of anything better with my limited resources, and surely I made the most pathetic looking Harry Potter imaginable but it's just not the same without a costume. I spent the rest of the morning making Halloween decorations. After the shock of being allowed to use a pair of scissors wore off I set about cutting out bats, pumpkins, black cats, tombstones and every other Halloween related thing that I could think of. Kat and Danny helped me decorate the common room – even though everyone in here seemed to think that it was a waste of time to be celebrating any sort of holiday. Most people just laughed at me and my sad excuse for a costume but I didn’t mind.

I don’t know what it is about Halloween but in my head I feel like it’s a holiday for people like me. A day where you can pretend to be whatever you want and you get to leave everything else behind. Maybe it was only appealing to me because I’m always trying to figure out who I am; a person sometimes so unrecognizable that I can’t even distinguish my own characteristics and personality. A stranger to oneself...I know that sounds crazy but sometimes that’s how I feel when I do something and cant understand why I did it. Maybe that’s the definition of crazy?

I hadn’t heard from Don since my appointment with him and there was still no sign of any visitor. If I can be completely honest; when I think of who it could be, I realize that I don’t want to see any of the possibilities. Now that I’ve had time to really think about why I’m here I guess I realize that it is best for me to be here for a while…alone. Besides, I don’t feel ready to face anyone – especially not my parents. I feel like, well, almost embarrassed that I’m here.

To top it off, everyone’s been acting weird towards me since that day in group therapy. I told Danny that I felt bad for how I talked to him and he accepted that but its still not right between us. Kat is automatically siding with Danny, and while they’ve carried on like normal I could tell something was wrong. Lexus was mad about my opinion of her looks and was totally giving me the cold shoulder. Mona Lisa has been flippant as usual but I’m sure she heard all about therapy from Lexus. Lucius is the worst; he thinks I’m absurd for even mentioning that there might be some kind of conspiracy going on.

It was now half past noon. I sat across from Lucius at the small table and chairs that were in each room. Lunch had just arrived and we sat in uncomfortable silence, neither of us really eating the food. It was mystery meat with a side of lumpy potatoes and mushy canned beans...again. We must eat this crap, or some variation of the same meal, about twice a day. Breakfast was always more breakfast-y. I still wasn’t eating the meat and I felt permanently hungry and tired. I felt as if I was losing weight by the day and had never looked so skinny in my life. My hips and ribs protruded almost grotesquely and my elbows and knees looked all knobby. It kind of made me wonder why other people in here aren’t starving to death; although I did note that not one of the people in here were fat.

“You should eat more, you don’t look so well,” he said suddenly making me jump.

“What do you care?” I bit back surprised and feeling like he’d read my

“Whatever.”

He hasn’t said anything to me all day and suddenly he’s concerned that I’m not eating my mystery meat? I stabbed at the meat erratically - splashing mystery juice across the table. I don’t care if I die of malnutrition – I will never eat that funky ass meat. I let the fork fall from my hand and clatter noisily onto my plate. I gave the plate one last disgusted look before shoving it away.

“Why are you acting like this? Aren’t you happy that you may have a visitor?” Lucius asked conversationally. As soon as he said it I covered my face and groaned.

“Don’t remind me!” I cried melodramatically. “Fuck I can’t tell if I’m dreading this or if I’m excited about it.”

“I’d be excited,” he replied simply.

“Why are you being so chatty? I thought you were ignoring me?” I asked suspiciously.

“It’s hard to ignore you when we have to share a room.”

“Makes sense,” I replied.

“Besides, I heard the nurses talking and they said that your visitor is with Dr. Savage. They always interview the visitors before making their final decision on whether or not they’re allowed to visit you,” he filled me in matter-of-factly.

“It’s none of your business anyways, now is it?” I replied angrily; pissed off that I was the topic of any sort of gossip. I didn’t even like to think about people being interested enough to talk about me in the first place. “No one in this place knows how to mind their own business.”

“In our defense, you have to expect gossip in a place like this. I’m sure you’ve heard stories about me.”

“I have and I don’t think I should believe everything I hear. I’m not going to make assumptions until you tell me yourself,” I replied.

“Well, I’m not ready to tell you anyways – maybe after you tell me what the deal is with you. Why are you here and why is Dr. Savage so interested in you?”

“I really don’t know...” I mumbled; it was half-true. “I’d rather you keep it to yourself anyways.”

“Oh well, I don’t know either, I guess you’re just weird,” he replied flippantly ignoring the last part of what I said; and while his words were dismissive enough his tone hinted at something else. It had a strange dream-like quality laced with an underlying hint of resentment. I’d never heard anyone talk the way he does sometimes; it’s like his words and the expressions used to describe them have conflicting meanings. I never knew what to make of what he meant by looking at him either; his expression was even harder to read. It was his eyes, they didn’t change based on emotions – he always had the same look in his eyes and I can’t identify it. Even when I try to figure him out his eyes always freak me out, they were the oddest shade of blue, bright and electric and if you looked too long it looked like the colour was ‘swimming’ for a lack of better way to describe it. Maybe I was putting too much thought into this...

“Salem? What are you looking at?” Lucius asked suspiciously, bringing me back to reality. I looked him over as I cleared my head. His hair looked matted and unkempt.

“Oh, nothing never mind.” He did look like a mad person. ‘Mad’ as in fucking crazy; but I’m sure I’m starting to look pretty rough too...in fact, everyone in here was kind of nuts-o looking.
“Are you alright?” he asks me but I ignore him and head into the bathroom and slam the door behind me. I slowly lowered myself to the floor with my back against the door and let out a shaky breath of air. I was starting to feel claustrophobic lately; like I was in prison or something. This feeling was multiplied when I think of someone visiting me here. Whoever it was probably already believes that I’m crazy, not to mention that they’ll pity me for having to live here. I don’t want anyone’s pity or sympathy – that’ll just make this whole situation even harder.

There was a light rap on the door, then, “Are you sure you’re fine? Do you want me to get a nurse?” Lucius asked through the door, sounding genuinely concerned which bothered me even more.

“No, what I really want is for you to FUCK OFF!” I yelled back completely unconcerned about how immature or mean I sounded.

“I was only trying to help you,” I heard him mutter from the other side of the door. He seemed to stand still for a moment, holding his ground, before moving across the room. I heard shuffling of sorts, more walking, and finally Lucius leaving the room and the door closing loudly behind him.

After absorbing the silence for a while, I realized how ridiculous and crazy I must seem to him. It’s no wonder that he thinks I’m weird. Not only that; I was being unnecessarily cruel to him. I tried not to put too much thought into it; as I’ve been pretty decent to him so far (by my standards).

I stood up from the floor – feeling at a loss for what to do. I slowly striped off my clothes and stepped into the shower. I didn’t bother letting the water heat up, because it never did, and immediately turned on the spray. The cold hit me like a ton of bricks but after a moment of standing there I adjusted to the frigid water. It had taken me a couple of weeks before I could get used to it, and even now it was barely tolerable. It really made me wonder why people would choose to have a cold shower.

Once I was done I checked myself in the mirror, my costume consisting of permanent marker was still intact. I ran a hand through my hair although now it was too long to do anything with and it just fell back into the same messy position. I sighed then finished toweling myself off. I slipped on a pair of mental institution pants and left the washroom.

I looked around the room quickly but there was no sign of Lucius and I don’t know why I was even looking for him in the first place. I certainly didn’t want to socialize so instead I threw myself onto my bed face first. I landed uncomfortably but somehow managed to ignore it as my body stilled.

I must have fallen asleep because I woke up to Lucius shaking me violently. I opened my eyes and looked blearily around the room. The shadows had drifted considerably telling me that I’d been asleep for quite a while. I glanced at Lucius standing at the side of my bed. He didn’t seem to be saying or doing anything.

“What’s your problem?” I mumbled while sitting up.

“Dr. Savage is here with your visitor, he wanted me to come get you,” he replied, his voice devoid of any semblance of emotion. I stood up shakily - my head still full of sleep. I didn’t waste any time though, I pushed past Lucius and out the door into the hallway, not bothering to wait for him (although he was right behind me anyways) and not bothering to put a shirt on.

It took maybe only 30 seconds to walk to the end of the hall, yet it felt like hours. I’d never contemplated so many different things at one time before. Almost everyone was out and about, crowding the sides of the hall and the doorways that lined it. And while most of them weren’t blatantly staring at me I knew that they were milling about because of me. Most people’s families lived so far away and so there were very few visitors. Only one since I’d been here. It was Seth’s parents; who he still didn’t remember but was totally willing to go home with...

I tried to make eye contact with a few people but everyone was obviously avoiding my gaze. I turned back to Lucius but he had such a blank look on his face that was impossible to decipher. Didn’t they have anything better to do? I was already feeling anxious enough, but now I’m just down right uncomfortable.

Who was visiting me here anyways, if it was so far away?
What would they think when they see me and how are they going to feel?
Happiness?
Anger?
Sadness?
Disgust?
Why am I trembling? It never occurred to me that I could feel so nervous about meeting someone that I already know.
Are they going to feel sorry for me; try to sympathize – perhaps pity?

And before I could even consider anything else I’d walked to the end of the hallway. There was no more time for thinking and I felt as if I’d wasted the time I’d had. I hadn’t used it wisely and I didn’t even know what I was going to say. For a moment I didn’t dare look up, although I already knew that it was him. I could always sense when he was nearby. And when I finally looked up it was him, Kieran, the last person I ever expected to be visiting me here.


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A/N:: Okay first off, sorry for the long wait. I’ve been busy and stuff. Second, I really hate this chapter. It was written over a long period of time and seems kind of patchy to me. I could have continued this chapter, making it longer, but I wouldn’t have known when a good time to stop was so...this is what we get. Thanks to everyone for reading, and especially to those who review! Much love.