Unconditional love

@ bambi4real: Nope, the guy in Brandon’s apartment is still a mystery. But, I think his identity will be revealed in the next chapter.  @ j.s. You’re not the only one. @ Storytellersdaughter: You’re too sweet! @ gosia: I promise there will be more porn soon... @ sum one: Yes, guys like Michael do exist. I’ve known vaguely similar true stories as well (none of which I based this story on, mind you.) @ brilliantbean: Yes, I guess Tim is complex. Even I don’t get him sometimes. @ SODA: Read on and find out what happens at the party. @ Zsadarya: there may be magic… @ naviarex: Thank you very much for the compliment, I’m really trying to make the story as ‘real’ as possible. You’re not the only person asking about ‘On the outside’ but it will be on hold for a little while longer. @ midnighteyes: glad you’re still patient @ shiden: Still don’t have a real job, but on the plus side: I have more time to write now. @ lisa_thecat: ‘triggered by the touch of a god’ I like that. Symbolically that is really what was happening to Tim. I promise the end won’t be too simplistic. @ Rosei: I love your enthusiasm. The answer to your question can be found in this chapter. @ beloveless: I’m sorry you had to wait so long again. Next time I’ll be faster. @ sstt: I’ll be glad to surprise you, and, thanks…. @ Eica: yes, amazing. @ Kolgrim: I will notify you every time I update. I always enjoy reading your reviews! There is darkness in Brandon’s past, yes… and I will elaborate on it later. I like your theories. @ Ryuukai: then I’m glad you’re not him…. @ rAiNwAtEr: I’m glad there is at least somebody left to root for Brandon.

Phew, I think this chapter was the hardest to write so far. It took me a while to get around all the non essential conversations so that I could at least finish this whole scene in one chapter. It’s the longest chapter so far but I didn’t think any of you would complain about that. The next one should be done sooner. Give me one or two weeks.

Disclaimer: I don’t own Slipknot, I don’t own Singstar, I don’t own Safari (the liquor), I don’t own Greenpeace.

________________________________________________________________________

Chapter 15







The plastic bag in my hand rattles softly in the wind. Ryan’s house is huge, which is a bit unexpected. I never would have guessed he came from such a wealthy family, though perhaps I should have; I knew he lived in this neighbourhood. I just never gave it any thought. I gulp before I ring the door bell, uncertain if I should be terrified or excited. This is it. My first house party. I have no idea what to expect.



A girl in a black dress opens the door. She has shoulder length brown hair, but I can’t see her very well because there’s some condensation on my new glasses. She looks at me funnily but then she smiles.



“You must be Ryan’s friend.”



I nod.



“Come in,” she says, while she steps aside to let me pass, “Tim was it, right?”



“Yes,” I confirm with a nod. I look around in the hallway. There’s a broad stairway leading to the second floor, and there are a few wooden doors. One double door is open, and I can hear the voices of people talking, and music, but I can’t see much of the interior from where I’m standing. I can see that the furthest door leads to a luxurious kitchen.



“I’m Liam’s girlfriend, Natasha.” The girl introduces herself. “You can leave your coat here… Want me to take that?”



She gestures at my plastic bag. I brought three bags of crisps. I’ve tried a few different brands and flavours and these are the ones I like best.



I nod nervously. “S… sure…”



She takes the bag and I take off my coat. There are no free hangers left in the wardrobe with the coats, so I lay mine over a chair where some other coats have been piled up on, and then I start searching my pocket for a tissue to clean my glasses.



“Liam,” Natasha calls through the open door which, I presume, leads to the living room. “Come say hello to your guest.”



Liam appears a few seconds later. His face does resemble Ryan’s and it’s easy to see they are related, but aside from their face they don’t look much alike. Liam is taller and broad shouldered, and his thick brown hair is almost as short as mine. His head is a bit rounder too, and he has a piercing in his eyebrow. With his hooded black sweater saying ‘Slipknot’ in bloody letters, and his somewhat rough attitude, he’s pretty much the sort of person I would usually avoid contact with. At any cost.



“Who are you?” he asks with a cocky expression, as if I’m someplace where I don’t belong. As if I wasn’t even nervous enough…



“This is Tim,” Natasha explains, “Ryan’s friend.”



“Oh, Ryan’s friend?” Liam repeats. I wonder if he is really stupid or if he just acts that way. “Hello then. I’m Liam.”



He reaches out his hand and I shake it. “H…hello,” I try to smile. “H…happy b… b…birthday.”



I see him shift his eyes to Natasha while he obviously tries not to laugh at my stammering, succeeding only partly.



“Thanks,” he replies. “My brother’s still upstairs doing his make-up, you know what he’s like. I’ll call him for you.” He quickly hops on the first stairs, and hanging forward he yells; “Hey nobster! Get your pansy ass down here! The new replacement for your Siamese twin has arrived!”



I’m starting to see what Ryan meant when he described Liam as ‘loud and obnoxious’.



“Get bent, you bloody twat!” I hear Ryan’s voice shout back.



Liam laughs and takes off to where he came from. I look at his girlfriend, who’s still holding my plastic bag in her hand. Is she voluntarily dating that guy? He’s horrible! And Ryan… At school he’s such a calm guy, I’ve never heard him yell at anyone before…



Natasha gives me a pitiful smile. She can probably tell I’m shocked. I’m even contemplating to take my coat and run off. I don’t think I want to be here. Maybe this was all a bad idea after all…



“Yes,” she says to me, even though I didn’t ask anything. “They’re always shouting at each other like that; trust me, it took me a while to get used to it, too. They don’t hate each other, they just… I don’t know, I figure it’s a brother thing…”



“S… siam…mese twin?” I ask her about Liam’s description.



“He’s referring to Fabian, you know him right?… He and Ryan used to be inseparable since childhood, before Fabe started dating last summer.” She shrugs. “Liam likes to tease him with it. And aside from Charlie you’re the only other friend of Ryan’s we’ve ever seen.”



I clean my glasses while trying to understand everything that’s going on here. I usually don’t wonder about other people’s social relationships, but now that Natasha mentioned it, I think about it. Last year Ryan and Fabian were kind of inseparable, and after the summer break that really changed. Fabian hung out with Ellie and Ryan made friends with Charlie… I think they didn’t even speak to each other for a while. They only started to hang out together again recently. There may have been some sort of fight between them, but they’re friends again now. It’s not any of my business to wonder how or why, so I never took the time to ponder upon it. I don’t mingle into other people’s personal affairs.



I hear a door open and close upstairs.



“There he is,” Natasha says. “I’ll take this to the kitchen,” she gestures to the bag of crisps and walks to the furthest door while Ryan comes down the stairs. I put on my new glasses again, wondering if he’ll notice them.



I look up at him when he’s almost there. Our eyes meet.



He freezes for a few seconds, staring at me.



“Tim?” his voice sounds like a squeak. “S… sorry… I….” he moves hesitantly, one step down, “I …. I didn’t recognize you right away.”



His eyes are big, and I can’t help but smile. He noticed the makeover.



“Y...you’ve got… new glasses, and….”



Since when does he stammer? I never noticed before…



“You look good,” he nods. “Sorry… I was just confused for a moment...”



“Th… that’s ok,” I smile. “You l… look good too.” I reply, but I regret it immediately seeing his weird reaction. For a second he seems to be gasping for air. He looks nice in his new sky blue shirt with thin white vertical stripes and beige trousers, but I feel uncomfortable throwing around compliments. Plus, there’s this awkward silence now. Like neither of us knows what to say anymore.



“I um… I take you met Liam?”



I nod. And a colourful character he is. I’m not so sure if I want to meet his friends, but I guess I have no choice now.



“Let’s go take a look inside. I’ll introduce you to some other people.”



Reluctantly I follow him. I have to see this through. I prepared for this party. I can’t rat out. I will mingle. I will talk.



I step into the spacious living room where the boxes produce heavy rock music at a surprisingly acceptable volume. There are people standing near the table with snacks, some sitting on the couch where the TV is, and four people, including Liam are standing around a pool table, each with a cue in their hand. Everyone is just talking, but a lot of them look up at me, making me feel slightly uncomfortable.



Something is weird. I can only put my finger on it when I watch Ryan in front of me in his sunny outfit.



Everyone is dressed in black! Everyone except me and Ryan!



I can’t believe it. I went through so much trouble convincing myself to try something new, wearing colourful clothes so I would fit in and not stand out, but among these guys I feel like a flickering Christmas tree!



Ryan makes them all say hi to me, and tells me their names. Meghan, Sam and Fredrick, Liam’s university friends, the neighbour’s son Mitch, and Liam’s ex girlfriend Eileen… do they really expect me to memorize all their names?



Aside from us there’s only one person who doesn’t seem to shun all colours. A girl on the couch with a green sweater. Ryan takes me to her, and before he introduces her I can tell she’s his older sister.



Her name is Caitlin, and her boyfriend is sitting next to her. His name is Mark. They seem considerably more mature than the rest of the guests, even though they don’t look much older than Liam. Just as Ryan is introducing me to them, his little brother Eric joins us, coming from the kitchen with a bowl of my crisps. He looks even more like Ryan than his other two siblings, and his bright red football sweater suggests he has an equal liking for colours. He looks two or three years younger than Ryan and he has short blonde hair. He sits down in front of the TV to continue some race game he was apparently playing on the console.



I recollect the image of watching Brandon play a game, sitting on the floor. He looked so adorable, enthusiastically playing the game as if the world around him wasn’t there anymore. As if I wasn’t there…



I sit down and nod when Ryan offers me a cocktail. A ‘safari orange’. It tastes very sweet, and I suspect there is alcohol in it, but I don’t dare ask. I doubt drinking alcohol will make me feel more comfortable but I like drinking through a straw. A drink is also a good excuse for not talking. I listen to Ryan and his sister and keep myself safely in the background, nodding and smiling now and then when I think the ongoing conversation requires it. Not that I’m really actively listening, distracted by the little brother and his game.



I’m hiding in my shell, trying to be invisible. Secluded from the strangers around me. I’m in my cocoon again, as Mr. Edwards would describe it. I bet he’ll be quite surprised when I tell him I went to a party, though. Being here is proof enough I’m trying to be social. Not that it’s really working… I’m in an unfamiliar place, surrounded by people I’ve never talked to before in my life. The only person I have seen before is Ryan, but I can’t say I really know him either. Honestly… What am I doing here? Everyone can tell I don’t belong…



The drink is strange. I can’t decide whether or not I like it. The numbing feeling behind my eyes I’m experiencing after a while makes me conclude there’s definitely alcohol in it. Well ok… ‘Safari’ is probably the name for an alcoholic drink, what do I know? I’ve never had alcohol before. It has a weird effect on me… as I should have expected. So this is what getting drunk feels like? Interesting…



Hang on…



Why would Ryan want to get me drunk?



I hear the doorbell ring again and a few minutes later a chubby girl with curly blonde hair joins us. She is wearing a white woollen sweater and blue jeans. I guess that’s why she comes to sit with us. She seems to know Ryan pretty well because she gives him a kiss on the cheek. She kisses Caitlin and Mark too, and even Eric. She then approaches me. Uh-oh…



“Hi, I’m Laura, Liam’s friend from high school,” she says and leans over me to kiss me. I stiffen when I feel her cold moist lips on my cheek. Yikes!



“T… Tim,” I inelegantly introduce myself, blinking. It would probably be rude to wipe her residue off my face, wouldn’t it?



I watch her sit down next to Ryan and they start talking enthusiastically. Apparently they do know each other well, even though she introduced herself as Liam’s friend. While she’s talking she looks at me from time to time. It makes me feel a little uneasy. There goes my invisibility. I try not to look at them and divert my attention looking at the race cars on the TV screen.



“Would you like an other one?”



Huh? Ryan is standing next to me with a few empty glasses in his hands. I nod. I’d like another drink. And that ‘Safari orange’ wasn’t so bad. I do feel a tiny bit of wooziness in my head. I think it’s safe to say I’m tipsy and I’m pretty sure it’ll get worse if I keep drinking but… I’m at a party. People get pissed at parties right?



After serving everyone a new drink Ryan enters a discussion with his little brother. He and Laura want to play a game named Singstar, and Eric wants to continue the race game. Finally Ryan wins the dispute because Eric promised he’d help with catering the party in exchange of being allowed to stay up late. I look at my watch. It’s after ten already. I’ve been here for over an hour. Time really does fly when you have something to observe.



Ryan and Laura turn off the stereo and plug in the microphones. Apparently it is some sort of karaoke game, where they have to sing a song and try to get the best points. It’s so absurd; I didn’t even know such games existed. They obviously have fun, though. Ryan sings while standing, really putting all his spirit in the song like he’s some kind of rock star. It looks silly but fun.



He suddenly looks at me while singing. It makes me wish I wasn’t smiling at the time, because the way he smiles back at me makes me feel… weird. After the first song he gestures at the microphone and asks me if I want to join.



He must be out of his mind! I fiercely shake my head. I can hardly talk in public, so I’m not going to try singing! I hardly know any of the songs!



Lucky for me some other guests are interested in joining the game. Suddenly everyone in the room is swarming around the couches, including birthday boy Liam. Time for me to split.



I stand up to go to the bathroom. The room is spinning a little. I grab the couch for support. Shit. I didn’t think I was that drunk. I halt the little brother that walks by and ask him where the bathroom is. He points me in the right direction.



I find the right door in the corridor. I think I better sit down, otherwise I may piss on my shoes. My sense of balance really is getting problematic at the moment.



I look at the pink bathroom tiles while listening to the sound of piss, and in the background two loud female voices singing out of key. It’s good to be alone for a moment. Isolated in a small room where nobody looks at me. I don’t think I’ll manage to completely relax anymore though. I’m still on unfamiliar grounds, and I still have hours to sit through at this party. I seriously consider staying in here for a while.



Come to think of it… It is not the sort of party I had expected. Not that I had many expectations. It’s just a bunch of people sitting together, talking and laughing and playing games. I’ll have to be able to mingle with them even if I don’t want to. I have to do it. I can’t give up now. If I can manage to get through this my chances of getting closer to Brandon will definitely raise!



When I stand up I see my reflection in the small gold framed mirror above the sink. This new outfit was a good start. I zip up my new trousers and wash my hands. I need to focus on my goal. Be social. I asked the little brother where the bathroom was. That was good. I didn’t even stutter…did I? It’s hard to remember.



The trick is imitation. I’ll do what I see other people do and mimic them. That can’t be hard. I look in the mirror again. I look okay. I can do this.



I go back to the living room where a bunch of people have gathered around the TV. My place on the couch is now occupied by one of Liam’s friends, and two others are sitting on the arm supports next to him. I’m not going to chase them away. I’m still drunk but I manage to stand.



As the singing people switch microphones between songs, a seat becomes available after a while. It’s not really a seat though, it’s an arm support of the large couch. I’ll be sitting very close to Laura, the girl that kissed me…



Oh please, I shouldn’t ponder upon silly things. There’s a seat available so I should just go and sit down already!



Laura looks up when I come closer. She smiles at me and miraculously I manage to smile back before I sit down. See? Easy!



I’m glad I can sit. My limbs do feel slightly heavy, and I’m still a bit woozy in the head. But the people around me are all just having fun, and before I know it I’m laughing with their jokes, and cheering for the red singing team.



“Go team red!” I join the supporters, when Ryan wins another singing battle against his sister.



He smiles at me. He looks so happy I can’t help smiling back. It doesn’t feel as weird as before. I’m good now. I’m being social. This is ok.



“It’s eleven o’clock guys!” I suddenly hear Liam shout right next to me. It startles me so much I almost lose balance. “I say it’s time to have some cake!” It would look pretty stupid if I were to fall on the ground. Very in-elegant. Not that I particularly wish to appear elegant to this crowd…



“Oops!” Liam laughs while he gives me a hard push, making me fall back to the other side which is… in Laura’s lap!



Holy fuck. I try to get up, but instead my back bumps against her big and soft bosom. My hand reach around clumsily, and I only manage to lift myself off her when she helps pushing me.



Her face has turned crimson and I’m pretty sure my cheeks match that colour as well. This is more than a little embarrassing!



“Liam, could you stop being a dick for two minutes?” I hear Caitlin yell.



“Hey, it was an act of charity!” Liam says while assembling the pool cues. “I’m sure Laura enjoyed feeling him up for a bit. I could tell by the look in her eyes that’s what she wanted.” I hear some people laugh at that comment.



Ugh, I really don’t get why everyone puts up with that guy’s behaviour! When I finally stand on my feet again I decide not to sit down on the arm support. Instead I go the snack table to stuff some crackers in my mouth. Ryan looks at me from the couch but then Liam asks him for help. I’m relieved he doesn’t join me.



I watch the three brothers put wooden planks on the pool table, transforming it into a massive dinner table for fourteen people. They put a tablecloth on it and plates.



I poor myself a glass of orange juice, trying to compose myself and clear my intoxicated head. I notice someone standing next to me. It’s Laura. I probably should say something.



“Um… Sorry about… the groping…” I manage to apologise.



“Don’t worry. I know it wasn’t your fault. He always makes fun of me like that. I’m used to it.” She smiles at me, calm and friendly.



I can’t believe what I’m hearing. “I thought you said you were his friend. He sure doesn’t act like one.”



She shrugs. “I admit he has a strange sense of humour, but …. he can be a really sweet guy if you get to know him.”



“How come I find that hard to believe?” I look down. That may have sounded a bit too harsh. It is something I usually would think, not say out loud to a stranger. She doesn’t seem to mind though. She even laughs softly at what I said.



“You know… I used to have this huge crush on him in high school…” she confesses.



“Really?” I ask, surprised by what she says as much as by the fact that she is still talking to me. What’s even weirder, I’m talking back. I am having a regular conversation with a complete stranger!



“Sad isn’t it?”



“Why?” I don’t get it. She looks like a nice and friendly girl, even though the others makes fun of her. She actually has a pretty face. Cheeks like sweet apples, bright blue eyes and gorgeous long curly hair. She’s a bit on the chubby side but I would hardly call her fat. I bet there are lots of guys who'd go mental for a girl with a ‘rack’ as large as hers. What she could see in a cold bastard like Liam absolutely goes beyond my reasoning. “It’s not sad, it’s just weird. He’s a nob and you’re…nice and, well… I for one think that you’re cute.”



I make her giggle. What is wrong with me? I am saying extremely rude things about the guy she likes. Not to mention the fact I am attending his birthday party. I would kill the person who dares speak badly about the man I love! Of course Brandon is a god, and not a worthless mortal like Ryan’s brother. He really is all I said he is, but I shouldn’t have said it out loud. It’s really not my place… Why does she look at me like… I told her I think she’s cute. She may think I’m coming on to her, … she thinks I’m flirting!



I look at her. “If… if I were straight I’d f... fall in love with you in no time.” There, saved my skin from more of those icky wet kisses. Oh… what’s that weird look in her eyes? I hope she’s not actually disappointed.



“You’re gay too?” she asks, making me raise an eyebrow.



Too…?



“Oh my god, I’m sorry!” she suddenly exclaims, laughing again. “I get it. You’re Ryan’s boyfriend!”



EXCUSE ME???



“Uh? What? Ryan’s…? No I’m not, we are just…. friends; I have a boyfriend.” Are we? Do I? That’s two lies in one sentence! I guess alcohol also helps me getting better at formulating random lies. And without stammering. That is perhaps the weirdest of all. I’m talking to a complete stranger and I’m not nervous anymore. Hurray for alcohol. It seems to have liberated my tongue, and it’s giving away all of my confined thought. Rather unsettling…



“Oh. You wouldn’t by any chance know a nice straight bloke who’s single, would you?” Laura still continues our small talk. If this conversation goes any smoother I may slip and knock myself unconscious.



“Actually I do,” I think Kieran does match the description. “He’s not exactly a catch exterior-wise, though,” for some reason I’m pointing at my face.



“If he’s got a tenth of your looks I’d be satisfied,” she smiles innocently.



“Wow, you must be really easy!” I only realise what I said when the words already left my mouth. I blush, that was very rude! What the hell was I thinking, saying that out loud?!



She laughs. “Oh, cut the low self esteem crap.” To my surprise she doesn’t seem to feel insulted at all by my terrible accusation. I take she gets to hear a lot of that from her so called ‘friends.’ It makes me feel sorry for her. She’d probably be better off with no friends at all, like me.



Several people are going to the large table and take a seat. Laura joins them and I’m relieved the conversation is finished. It really did go too smooth! I can’t believe the things I said!



Liam and Natasha are sitting at the head of the table next to each other. I watch Caitlin and her boyfriend take the opposite head. The people dressed in black swarm together on Liam’s side, so I want a seat as far away from the birthday boy as I can find. Strangely, Laura appears to have the same idea, she chooses the seat at Caitlin’s corner. That leaves Mark’s corner for me. I quickly sit down. The table is now divided in two groups, and the two unoccupied seats for Ryan and Eric symbolize the gap between those who wear colours and those who wear black garments. I shake my head at my silly imagination.



Suddenly the lights are switched off and Eric comes out of the kitchen with a large square cake with fire sticks producing mini fireworks. They all sing ‘happy birthday’. I pretend to sing along. After Ryan switches the lights back on and hands Liam a very big knife, he comes to sit down next to me.



“Dear friends, family and… friends of my family,” Liam stands up waving the huge weapon. “We are gathered here today to celebrate the wonderful person that I am. Thank you all for coming; please make sure you clean the cake off your mouths when you come to kiss my beautiful bum, and tell me what a great party this is. Enjoy.”



Everyone starts to clap their hands at the speech, and Liam cuts the cake and divides the pieces.



“There’s enough for everyone… here’s an extra big piece for Laura. Don’t worry girl, there’ll be enough left to ask for seconds so you can stuff yourself like a bloody turkey.”



Again everyone, including Laura, thinks the insult is funny. More jokes are being thrown around but I decide not to listen to it and eat my cake. I’m not a fanatic about cake, but it tastes very good. I can stop Ryan just in time before he pours wine in my glass. I’ll have water, thank you.



“So… Tim!”



I look up and blink when I suddenly hear Liam say my name. He’s looking at me, and so are his friends. Shit. Looks like I’m the target for the next joke.



“I’ve been wondering… Are you gay?”



I blink again. That’s an unexpected, and surprisingly personal question.



“Y…yes,” I answer, not seeing any point in denying it. I’m actually a bit relieved that it was a question I could answer with one word.

For some reason everybody at the table suddenly looks at Ryan. I can sense a reaction from my imaginary friend, but I don’t dare look at him directly. He takes his glass to drink. I hope he’s not too shocked. When I look back at Liam, I notice my answer apparently made a creepy smile curl on his face. His eyes turn into devious lights.



“So, are you Ryan’s boyfriend?”



WHAT?



Practically everyone at the table starts to laugh when Ryan suddenly spits his drink back into his glass, and then starts coughing like he’s choking. His face is glowing red. That’s the second time someone asked that tonight. What’s going on?



“Oh, leave them poor boys alone,” Natasha says, though I can tell from her tone of voice she sees the humour of the situation.



Now, this is awkward and embarrassing… It really is a weird coincidence that two people asked the same question about Ryan being my boyfriend, right after I said I’m gay. It leads me to conclude that he’s gay, and out. I hadn’t given it any thought I guess but, sure, that’s probably it. So Liam and his consorts figure, two gay friends; must be a couple. Makes sense, I guess… But it still doesn’t explain why Ryan seems so shocked. Guessing from Ryan’s reaction to what Liam said, I’d almost think…he has an… interest in me? I mean like… I’m probably wrong; I’m absolutely drunk after all. Hallucinating probably. Still, the way he looks at me sometimes…. The fact that he invited me to this party even though we barely know each other… No. That’s ridiculous. Who in their right mind would take an interest in me? The thought alone… it’s absurd.



When I finally dare glance at Ryan he’s quietly eating his cake, looking down, pretending not to hear the whispers and the giggles at the other side of the table. I follow his example and eat my cake, listening to the casual conversation between Caitlin, Mark and Laura about the bakery where they ordered the cake. I am too slow to cover my glass this time when Mark pours wine into it. Oh well… I better drink it then… sweet white wine…



When I attempt to stand up fifteen minutes later I feel how pissed I really am. I can hardly stand on my feet; the room is spinning around me. How can all the others keep drinking this stuff? Somebody turned up the volume of the music and two of Liam’s friends are moving all the furniture to the side of the room, creating space to dance. Another guy, I believe it’s the one named Fredrick, is banging his head around as if he wants it to fall off. Okay, perhaps I am not the only person intoxicated…



My body feels so heavy. I drag myself to the couch that has been put near the wall. Ryan comes to ask me if I want another glass of wine. Have you gone mental, man? I shake my head and ask for juice.



He returns with a glass of orange juice. I drink thirstily.



He asks me something but there is too much noise. He comes closer, and sits down right next to me to repeat the question. A little too close… “How much did you drink?” he asks.



“Two cocktails and a glass of wine. I’m not used to drinking…”



He nods. “Sorry, we come from a long line of alcoholics…” he finishes with a little laugh. He’s looking at Liam and Natasha who are dancing. I wonder how they can do it after that amount of cake. Even though I am drunk I can sense the awkward tension between me and Ryan while we look at the couple. We both look away when they kiss each other.



“You don’t get along very well with your brother, do you?” I ask him.



“I do,” Ryan corrects me, “We get along fine actually… It’s just common knowledge that he’s …. well, even my mother says he’s a bad mouthed prick.” He smiles at me. “You would understand if you knew our family’s history.”



I look at him, assuming this is the part where he will elaborate and tell me all about his family. Honestly I couldn’t care less about why exactly Liam is who he is, but who knows, maybe listening to a boring story may help me get less drunk?

“Liam had an accident about five years ago. He got hit by a truck and almost died. It was a difficult time for our family. My parents are both doctors, and they narrowly followed the surgery on him, … he barely pulled through, and he sat in a wheelchair for almost a year. I know from my parents, tragedies like that sometimes tear families apart. But it drew us closer together, made us stronger as a family. If it seems as if Liam is the most spoiled out of the four of us, that’s because he is. While he was fighting for his life, he pushed us all to our limits to see how much he could get away with, and we all put up with it because we cared about him, because we remembered that moment where we thought we really lost him. He’s still doing it even though he’s completely cured now. He does it because he knows we will always support him. Does that… make sense at all? You think that’s weird, right?”



Before I can think of an answer I hear the sound of glass shattering. Somebody spilled their drink on the ground. Without saying another word Ryan gets up and hurries to the kitchen. Apparently he finds it his job to go clean it up.



I can barely enjoy my solitude, as a few seconds later Laura approaches me.



“Want to dance?”



I shake my head. Even if I could dance I would probably have balance problems right now.



“Oh, come on...” she whines, but before I can react she sits down next to me, almost as close as Ryan. “Tell me more about that single friend of yours. What’s his name?”



“Kieran.” I remember our previous smooth conversation where I insulted her twice. She must really be a masochist. “He’s an ornithologist. You know, a guy who really likes to watch birds.”



“I know what an ornithologist is, Tim.” she says as if I just called her stupid. “Anything else?”



Ryan passes us with a floor cloth. He looks at me, and then at Laura. She has taken his place, and somehow I get the feeling it bothers him.



“He loves birds but he hates people who would put them in a cage. He’s very fanatic about animal rights and stuff.” I continue to describe Kieran.



“Me too. I’m a member of Greenpeace.” Laura nods enthusiastically. Apparently I’m making Kieran sound like the greatest guy in the world. She must have very weird tastes.



“He’s got his own birder’s club. He owns a small private forest and there’s a cabin where we-”



“He must have a lot of money then.” she interrupts me.



“He does.” I confirm, smiling. Even Ryan’s family is probably poor compared to him.



“Sounds like we’re made for each other.”



I laugh, the way she said it is so funny. She laughs too. I think I’m beginning to like her. Maybe I should introduce her to Kieran and see what happens. “Oh, I forgot to tell you, he’s a lot older than me. He’s thirty, I think.”



“That’s ok, I prefer a guy who’s older than me.”



“Me too,” I blurt out, thinking about the love of my life. We both start laughing again, even though I don’t know why that was funny.



“Hey Ryan,” Liam’s voice raises above the music. “Look at that! Your boyfriend is hitting on the hippo!”



I can’t hear Ryan’s reply, but he passes us again on the way to the kitchen with the pieces of glass and the drenched floor cloth, looking very unhappy. Laura and I both look at the door where he disappeared.



“You should talk to him.” Laura suggests.



Me? Why? I look at her.



“Don’t you get it? He likes you. You should go tell him that you think he’s a great guy but you just want to be friends because you have a boyfriend.” I look at her with big eyes. I may be drunk but I think I hear a tiny bit of cold sarcasm in her voice. “You’ll hurt his feelings but he’ll be better off that way. You’re not the first one to reject him, so he’ll get over it. Just give him a hug and tell him there are plenty of other fish in the sea and he’ll someday meet the one for him. … He should hear it from you, not someone else.”



I blink. She is obviously speaking from her own experience. But I still can’t believe that Ryan would have an interest in me. Yet, if he does maybe I should go talk to him, even if it is just to verify if what Laura says is true. If Ryan can fall in love with me, so can Brandon. I should go ask him what he likes about me; that information may be useful.



Before I can think I’m suddenly standing in the kitchen. I find Ryan by the sink, rinsing the floor cloth. I approach him. What should I say?



“Are you alright?” is the first thing that comes to mind and I say it before I can think.



He looks up, a little surprised, but then a warm expression appears on his face. “Sure.” He nods. “It’s been a long time since anything that Liam said really got to me.” He dries his hands with a towel while he gives me a concerned look. “But if it bothers you I can try to talk to him and tell him to lay off and stop picking on you…”



“N… no, it’s ok… I think. I’m getting used to it now anyway.”



Ryan keeps looking at me, as if he’s still checking if I’m really ok. “What were you talking about with Laura?”



“… Nothing.” I shrug, smiling stupidly.



“Nothing?” Ryan inquires. He put away the towel and now he’s leaning against the counter, briefly arching his back while he interrogates me.



“She wants me to match her with a friend of mine from the birders club.” I suddenly giggle at the thought. “Sorry, its just funny.” I don’t know why I can’t stop giggling. It’s not that funny. Why am I nervous? Is it about what Laura said? This is just Ryan. I can’t really believe he has a crush on me.



“You’re pissed,” Ryan remarks.



I look at him. He’s right. Everything is woozy. “Who cares?” I ask him. “Alcohol makes it easier to talk. Listen: I don’t stammer, it’s brilliant.”



He smiles back at me with his sweetest smile. “Okay… as long as you don’t do anything embarrassing. Because you’d embarrass me too… you know…”



“How could I embarrass you? Everyone is drunk. Even you.”



He waves with his hands, as if dismissing the conversation. He sighs deeply, like he has a lot on his mind. “I didn’t invite you to this party to get you drunk, you know…” I look at him, but he’s staring at the floor. I think he is avoiding my eyes deliberately now. Somehow I had the idea that getting me drunk was actually what he intended.



“Then why did you invite me?” I ask honestly, suddenly feeling a little more sober. “I mean, don’t get me wrong, I th…think you’re really nice but, I though it kind of weird… w…we’re not really friends are we?”



A cold silence fills the kitchen. I can feel I said something wrong. He looks into my eyes, and gulps audibly. Did I just say something mean? He looks at me like I stabbed him in the chest.



“W…would you like to be?” his voice is but a whisper. He seems so fragile all of a sudden, and insecure. For the first time I actually think he’s kind of cute. There’s definitely something in his eyes when he looks at me. A weird sort of tension hangs in the air while I study his face. It is hard to read him, but the longer I look at him the more I doubt this is Ryan, the guy I know from school. I don’t know why I step in closer… Maybe because I can’t take my eyes off him now.



I can hear his shallow breath. Our faces are close. His eyes are big and vulnerable. Is this what I look like when I look at Brandon? His lip is trembling. I never really looked at his lips before. They are thin, and a bit dried out. Far from perfect. Why then do I feel so drawn to them? It makes me want to kiss him. I laugh to myself. Kiss Ryan? That’s an absurd thought.



He leans in closer too, slowly. Before I can really grasp what’s going on his hand touches my shoulder, and his lips touch mine. I really don’t know how to act. I just stand there frozen for a moment, feeling his kiss. Instinctively I briefly close my eyes. It is a warm feeling, a soft touch of skin. I never knew my lips were so sensitive to touch… He lets go, scared. My mind is still trying to process what is happening. Ryan kissed me. Strangely I don’t feel very surprised.



I look at him. I really look at his eyes, that seem frightened and uncertain. I didn’t react. When he takes a step away from me I take his hand to stop him. I don’t want him to run off like this. I don’t want him to feel bad about what he did, because… it wasn’t an unpleasant experience at all. Somehow my body is way ahead of my mind though. My other hand draws him closer. His eyes search for mine.



Hey don’t look at me, I have no idea what I’m doing.



I like how he looks at me. Nobody ever looks at me like that. He really likes me, and even though I usually won’t admit it, I like that he notices me when no one else does. He kissed me. And, absurdly, I start to get the feeling I do want more of it. All my life I have wondered what it would feel like to kiss someone. And now I…



My lips are upon his now. I’m surprised at my own actions, but I don’t want to stop. This actually feels good. I can hear a soft sigh. It sounds like a mix of relief and happiness. Ryan kisses me back and wraps his arms around me. As our lips part I greet the tip of his tongue. It entwines in a slow and gentle dance with mine, and the pleasant sensation seems to reverberate through my entire body, waking up my groin. My hand raises to the back of his head, into his hair.



Fuck, this feels good. Ryan’s body is still tensed, but slowly he’s starting to relax a little more. I may not know what I’m doing but it seems my hormones have taken over.



When I accidentally bump my glasses against his head in my enthusiasm, I tilt my head a bit more, almost laying my head on his shoulder. I am so turned on I can hardly control myself. I grapple his hair in my fist, deepening the kiss. I want to feel him. More of that amazing sensation! I’m practically hanging in his arms, leaning over him. I pin him against the counter so he can’t get away. I am clutching his shirt. He is not a god, and I never thought him worth much notice, but right now I do want him. Does that make sense at all? I fear I lost the capability to think in these long, deep kisses. He’s just… so… tangible…



A sudden sound instantly breaks us apart. It’s just the sound of the bathroom door in the corridor. Nobody can see us.



I look at Ryan, panting. I see he’s also gasping for breath. When he recovers form his initial surprise he smiles at me. His shirt hangs half open, the hair on the back of his head looks a bit messy, his lips are swollen and there’s a slight trace of blush on his cheeks. I did that.



What the hell did I just do? I find myself in a brief moment of clarity. I made out with Ryan, my dull imaginary friend. A fully grown erection in my tight trousers tells me he is not a figment of my imagination, though. Do I actually want this? Seriously? Shouldn’t it be impossible to feel attracted to another person? Is it not blasphemy? What would Brandon think if he knew I betrayed him? Little more that a week ago I knew for certain my undying love for Brandon was platonic. But now… Brandon has found me worthy of his gaze, I can’t throw that away… I want Brandon, I need BRANDON…



“Want to go upstairs?” Ryan whispers, taking my hand. My rational mind may protest all it wants, his voice makes a shiver of excitement run up my spine. My lower brain demands I take the invitation, excited by the prospects of more exchange of bodily fluids. This has nothing to do with my love for Brandon. Ryan is standing here in the flesh, looking at me with his eyes full of desire for ME. I want to feel more of him. I can’t think of much else. I’m too drunk and too turned on to think right now.



I nod to his suggestion. If I want to be any good for Brandon I should practice, shouldn’t I?



We quickly sneak up the stairs and into one of the rooms. Ryan switches on the lights and closes the door. I take a very brief look around in the tidy bedroom. A few closets, a desk with a computer, a single bed, a painting of a sunset on the wall, and some pictures. I turn to Ryan, and while I embrace him again I switch the lights back off. I know where his bed is now so we won’t need light anymore. I don’t want to see, sight is a distraction, I just want to feel.



His lips find my throat in the darkness, and place soft kisses on my skin. I smile, running my fingers through his hair and tilting his head a little so I can kiss him. I can barely suck on his lower lip a little before my glasses get in the way again. I take them off and carefully put them on a drawer closet near the door. In the mean time Ryan is kissing my neck some more. One of his hands holds on to my shoulder while the other keeps caressing my face. He wants me that badly. I smile and fiercely kiss him.



While our tongues continue their playful dance my hands go down over his nice and slender body. They slip under his shirt to touch his warm skin. A very soft moan escapes his lips. I pin him against the door and unbutton his shirt. I want to feel him, touch him, explore him. His hands pull on my sweater, indicating he wants me to undress as well. I comply, and together we lift my sweater over my head. More kisses, more touches. While he unbuttons my shirt my hand lowers to kneed his firm buttocks. I can feel his naked chest, his warm skin against mine. I snatch for air between breathtaking kisses. I imagine lifting him up against the door, both naked, his legs around me. Sex. I’ve witnessed it so many times, dreamed and fantasized about it. I want to do it for real, right now.



I turn us around and push Ryan toward the bed. He falls backward and I throw myself on top of him. Primal lust takes over. I want to ravish him. He moans when I pinch a hard nipple. I kiss his collar bone and then lick my way down to his other nipple, enjoying the feeling and the taste of his skin.



When my hand lowers to caress the bulb in his trousers he suddenly flinches. I feel his body stiffen under my touch, and he grabs my wrist, making me stop. “Tim…” He whispers my name. He sounds nervous. “I… think we… I don’t….” he stammers some more incomprehensible sounds as if he wants to say something but can’t find the words. I move up to his face again and smother him with a kiss. I don’t want to talk. I don’t even want to think. It’s not as if I really know what I’m doing.



Okay, maybe I should try to think about what I’m doing…



I am now… looking at Ryan, the guy pinned under me. My eyes have adjusted to the darkness of the room and I can see a bit of his face. My left hand is supporting me, because I’m literally hanging over him. My right hand is slowly moving over his chest and belly. I’m not entirely sure anymore how I got into this…position, making out with this guy, Ryan from school. Surprisingly it didn’t feel bad up until now but there’s this nagging feeling far in the back of my mind, saying something is… off… Something is missing….



Ryan grabs my head with both his hands and pulls it down, pressing his lips on mine, sweetly, delicately, lovingly. It makes me smile and reply with kisses too.



It feels good. There is just one thing wrong with this situation. Just one thing, and if I am honest with myself I know very damn well what it is.



HE IS NOT BRANDON.



I feel his tongue briefly touch my upper lip. An invitation, a gentle greeting. I close my eyes and concentrate on the warm feeling it gives me to be kissed. His tongue is so sweet. I like rubbing mine against it.



Brandon should kiss me like this.



I try to imagine I’m kissing Brandon. Would he be warm and gentle? Would he massage the back of my neck and take short and shallow breaths like this?



“Ryan! You were supposed to help me with-” Suddenly there’s bright light shining upon us and Eric is standing in the doorway “UGH! Disgusting!!”



“Dammit Eric!” Ryan pushes me away and quickly covers his chest with his shirt. I back off and stand up to get my glasses. “You know you’re supposed to knock before-”



Eric bursts out in laughter. “I so knew you’d be the bottom!” he yells and takes off. I hear him run down the stairs.



“Shit!” Ryan curses, going in pursuit just until he reaches the door. When he realizes there is no way of stopping his little brother he turns to me, coming closer. “I guess we better go back downstairs, or they’ll think we’re…”



I push my glasses up my nose and look at him, in the yellow corridor light. He’s standing there, half dressed, waiting for me to say something. I don’t know what to say. I’m still turned on, and all I can think of is… he looks so hot right now, standing there, he makes me want to kiss him some more and…more than that… I want him completely naked, his body against mine… which is wrong, wrong, wrong, so very WRONG!



“Is that ok with you?” he asks while buttoning up his shirt.



I nod, a little dazed. Now that I look at Ryan in the light he somehow looks different from before, I look at him differently than before. He changed. I had no idea some kisses could change the way I look at someone. He‘s not the bothersome guy I knew, he’s somebody I long to… No! BAD! He can’t take Brandon’s place! Never!



He smiles and touches my face. He kisses me slowly. It feels nice, even if it’s just a peck.



I take a step back. “We should…”



Ryan wants to kiss me again, I don’t want to. I don’t want to feel like this. I don’t want to feel anything for anyone, except for my god. Brandon is the only person I should ever feel attracted to!! This makes no sense at all. We should go back downstairs. I must think, and sober up right now! Ryan will probably be just as plain and dull as before after I get the alcohol out of my system. He has to!



I pick up my sweater and get dressed. When we both look decent again I follow him downstairs. There I tell him I need to use the bathroom. He nods, and enters the living room, where, guessing from the loud music, the party is still on.



Finally cut off from the outside world again I look at myself in the little mirror. What have I done? I came to this party hoping to practice my social skills… but it all spinned out of control…



I should go seek penance. I should go see Brandon. When I see him, everything will be alright again, and I won’t have any of these confusing thoughts or urges anymore. Everything is always clear when I look at him, and life is simple and beautiful when I indulge in my worship.



I nod to myself. I have to get out of here.



I leave the toilet and silently walk to the front door. I try to find my coat among the other ones. There it is. It put it on and prepare to sneak out like a thief in the night. I’m aware that what I’m doing is probably impolite and stupid, to say the least, but it is what I have to do. I must go to Brandon’s, no time to waste!



I almost get a heart attack when the door to the living room opens. Please, let it not be Ryan!



No. It’s worse! It’s Liam, and he’s looking at me with a puzzled expression. His eyes turn cold when he suddenly approaches me.



“Leaving already?” he asks, sounding very threatening. “Without saying goodbye?”

I take a few steps backward until I hit the wall. I’m scared shitless.

“So…” he speaks calmly, as if to make sure I understand what he’s saying. “Eric tells me you and Ryan were about to get it on upstairs… while Laura tells me you mentioned you have a boyfriend, … and now I find you here, trying to sneak out.” He looks at me, inquisitively. “Care to tell me what’s going on?”



I panic. Apparently Liam is up to date with all that has happened tonight and I have lost my capacity to speak, if there even had been anything I could have said to free myself from his accusing stare.



“Speak up asshole!” He grabs me by the collar under my scarf and pushes me hard against the wall. Help! He leans in closer, looking at me from under his eyebrows. I think there may be steam coming out from under his nostrils. His breath reeks of alcohol. He raises his fist and speaks with an even lower voice now. “If you think you can just mess around with my little brother like that you are very, VERY wrong, my friend. I swear if you break his heart, I’ll snap your little neck, do you hear me?”



I close my eyes in terror, preparing for the blow that will no doubt break my nose.



“Don’t be such a drama queen, Liam.” I hear Ryan’s voice. “He didn’t break my heart. Let him go.”



Liam’s grip on my throat weakens a little, but he doesn’t let go. He’s looking at Ryan, who is approaching us calmly. I really feel like an ass right now, hanging here in my coat. He must know I was trying to sneak out, yet he sounds fairly calm.



“Sure you don’t want me to break his neck?” Liam checks, “I mean… I could?”



“No.” Ryan says with urge.



“His arm?”



“NO!”



“Not even his little pinkie?”



“Liam!” Ryan sounds really agitated, and finally Liam lets go of me. I try not to look at them, and instead I look at the floor. I’m not sure how to behave right now.



“Can I kick him in the bollocks real hard?” Liam tries once more.



“Piss off! And let me talk to my friend.” With that Liam shrugs and finally takes off after giving me one more threatening glare.



The word ‘friend’ echoes through my head. What a friend I am. I’m still glued to the wall even though the arm that kept me there is gone. So much for my plan of sneaking out silently. I can feel Ryan is looking at me. After his brother left, he dropped the stoic façade.



“So, you’re leaving…” he says softly. He sounds fragile and sad. “I guess that means you don’t, …. you regret that we… ” he gets stuck in his words, stepping in closer and touching my arm. I don’t want to look at him, but I can’t keep looking away either. Our eyes meet, and I stare into his hazel orbs. Suddenly I’m as sober as can be.



“I’m sorry, Ryan,” I clear my throat. I feel as if it’s the first time I spoke his name. “I c… can’t do this. I’m w…with s… s… someone. I’m s… s… sorry.”



I may have felt somewhat attracted to Ryan tonight, but that’s really not the issue. What could a little physical attraction mean when you’ve felt pure, real love? No matter how I look at it, getting involved with him will keep me away from my god, my life’s purpose, and that’s why I should not have allowed him to distract me in the first place.



A sigh escapes his lips, breaking the silence. “You… think I’m attractive,… right?”



I guess I do, but that really doesn’t matter. “You are… attractive, I just… I can’t. I love this one guy, you know.”



“You love someone, but you forgot all about him while you were drunk? Kind of makes me glad I’m not your boyfriend.” He sounds disillusioned and bitter.



Great, now I really made myself sound like an ass! “It’s a little more c… complex…I’m actually... He’s not really my boyfriend. I just… w…wish he was…”



Why am I explaining myself to him? He doesn’t need to know that! I don’t owe him anything! I have to get away NOW! I don’t want to talk! There are too many questions I can’t answer.



“So… you’re saying…?” He tilts his head, a little confused.



Time to leave. I turn away and open the front door. The cold outside wind greets me.



“Hey! Wait!” Ryan brings out while I run down the front drive. “Tim!...”



I don’t look back. If I look back I will feel sorry. I made up my mind. I want Brandon. I admit I feel guilty for fooling around with Ryan. He led me astray. He lead me into temptation of settling for less. I won’t settle for less than Brandon. I have to see him. Right NOW. I am who I am. I love whom I love. And that one and only person is Brandon Rooke. It will always be HIM.