Touru to Shidou/Touru and Shidou

~*~*~*~Touru

It was early Saturday morning, about the same time we normally left to go to school and we were just finishing packing things in the car. Shidou really was taking me to visit my parents. I’d made arrangements for us to stay with an old friend of my parents so we didn’t have to worry about paying for a motel or anything.

I could see that Shidou was still worried about something. I’d asked him last night what it was and he just said he would talk about it after we’d seen my parents. I knew it was silly of me to worry so much about it, but his distance from me was unnerving.

I was about to get in the car when he closed the door and pushed my back against the car. He kissed me deeply, almost desperately. I tried to keep up with him and couldn’t. He pulled back and leaned his forehead on mine, his eyes closed. He was panting hard, and so was I. “What is it, Shidou?” I asked, almost afraid of the answer.

“I…I love you so much, Touru. What if we’re moving too fast?” He sounded so scared.

I held him, caressing his back, “Do you really think we are?”

“I don’t know. It feels like I’ve known you forever, that you’ve always been with me. But, it’s only been a month, just over. Everything is so…right with you.” I continued to hold him. I didn’t know what to say. His body began to relax into mine and he said, “Mom said she had doubts about Mama. They all had their doubts.”

“That’s what took you so long to get in bed with me Wednesday?” I asked softly. I didn’t blame him. If my parents had been alive, I probably would have talked to them before I talked to Shidou at this point. He was right, it was still so new, but it felt right.

He nodded, “I was scared. I’ve never been scared about a relationship before, Touru. They were just dating. With you, it’s so much more.” He pulled away to look at me and his eyes were so full of everything, I couldn’t pick out a single emotion. “From the beginning, Touru, things have just been so natural with you. I can be myself and it doesn’t matter because myself is just right for you. You accept my family without question and they accept you, too. I wish…I wish we could have met without your parents dying, I really do, but at the same time, would we have had the same connection? You said I made up for the bad stuff in your life, but how could I? You’re the amazing one, Touru, to be as wonderful as you are even though you’ve been through so much.” His eyes brimmed with tears and he fell back to my neck, “I love you so much and I don’t know why you love me.”

I was stunned. I held him, rubbing his back. “I love you because you let me be me and you are yourself, Shidou. I love your easy way, your acceptance of us even though you’d never considered going out with a guy before. Hell, most jocks I’ve known would have run screaming from me when I said I was gay. You didn’t care. Most jocks wouldn’t have taken me to the prom, especially not in a dress, and they wouldn’t have danced with me. Their friends sure as hell wouldn’t have danced with me.” I pulled his face away from my neck and held it between my hands. “I love you because I believe with you I can be happy and you’ve let me be happy. You, Shidou, are amazing. Don’t ever let anyone, not even yourself, tell you otherwise.” I kissed him, trying to ease his pain with my lips. I pulled away, “You make up for the bad stuff because you show me there’s still good stuff in the world that I can have. And, you still let me have my memories, you even encourage me to have them. Shidou, do you have any idea how much it meant to me when you told my parents and Thalia that you’d take care of me? Do you know how much taking me to see their graves means to me?” My voice broke. “Even though they’re not here, you still let me have them.” I think we both were crying as I clung to him and he clung to me.

I don’t know how long we stood there and it doesn’t matter. What matters is that we were together.

~*~*~*~Shidou

I hadn’t wanted to dump my fears on him before we went, but it felt so much better to have them out, for them to be out of my head, to hear his answers. I hugged him tightly to me, sniffing a bit. I pulled away and I could laugh. I rubbed my cheeks, clearing off the tears that had fallen there. “I guess I’m not a good jock, then,” I managed to say. It was weak, but it was a joke.

He smiled, “Nope, but you are a wonderful lover.”

I reached for his hand, “That matters more. Let’s go wash our faces off then we can leave.” I felt shaky inside, but it was shaky with a solid base. It didn’t make a lot of sense, but it’s what I had.

We didn’t talk a lot on the drive. It wasn’t a bad silence, just neither of us felt up to talking. I held his hand a lot of the way and he’d squeeze every so often. I think we were both tired. We stopped about half way because he said there was a look out point we had to see. He was right. It was a rise, hidden from the highway. We had to walk a little ways from the rest stop to get there, but from there, the view was amazing. Mountains in the distance were purple, softly colored, almost looking like a painting. As the landscape got closer, more details stood out, eventually individual plants. The only sign of humanity was the rail that lined the edge of the bluff. It was simply amazing, breath taking to see so much nature and so little man. As we looked down, there was a river below, a smallish trail of water that, over time, had carved the headland that we stood on.

Very softly, Touru said, “Sometimes, Mom and Papa would bring us here for picnics in the summer.”

“It’s amazing,” I breathed out. “We can come back and spend more time here, if you want.” I managed to tear my eyes away from the landscape to look at him.

He smiled, “I’d like that. There’s a couple of trails for hiking, too, if you’d like.”

“Sound’s like a date,” I said, grinning and turning back to the scenery.

“I’d like that,” he whispered, leaning against my shoulder. I wrapped my arm around him and we stayed a little longer, just looking out at the scenery. Slowly, we made our way back to the car. On the way to the rest area, there was an older couple, slowly making their way up the trail we’d taken. When they saw us, walking hand in hand the way they were, the lady smiled at us, “Young lovers are so nice to see.”

I smiled at her, “Yes, they are.” She laughed at my comment and continued on. The man gave us an odd look, but said nothing.

~*~*~*~Touru

Just before we got into the car, Shidou hugged me. “We can have a picnic on the way back, if you want.”

I leaned against him, “I’d like that.” He squeezed me before letting me go and opening the car door for me. I leaned against the seat, letting my eyes follow the scenery as we drove.

Was I too young to feel nostalgic? I remembered some of the trips we’d taken, following this same road. The laughter, the teasing, all of it. I was glad I got to share it with Shidou. I looked over at him and watched him a little as he drove. He glanced at me and I smiled at him, “I love you.”

He smiled back at me, “I love you, too. Do you want to go see your parents first or where we’re going to be staying?”

I thought about that a moment, “Parents.” I felt anxious, nervous, sad, happy. I was so confused.

Shidou put his hand on my lap, “I’ll wait in the car if you want me to, give you time by yourself.”

“I don’t know,” I answered after a while. I covered his hand with mine and continued to stare out the window.

We approached the city and he let go of me to have better control in the increased traffic and I gave him directions. My grandparents had died when I was young and they were in the same grave yard. We pulled into the parking lot near the keeper’s shack and I went to the small shrine just behind it to pick up a bucket with flowers and incense. Though we’d not been very religious, I’d been taught to visit a grave a certain way. Shidou followed me, always giving me enough space that I could feel alone if I wanted to.

I took the path to my family plot. It hurt to see the added markers, to see three more than there’d been last time I was here. My steps lagged, but I still went forward. Very carefully, I approached, afraid that, somehow, I’d disturb them, or their ghosts would rise. When I was close enough, I knelt, reading the new markers. My parents names, their birthdates, the date of their death. It hurt to see that date carved in stone. My hands shook as I poured some water over their markers. I didn’t look to the side, I wasn’t ready for that yet. I poured the water over their markers and washed them. I bit my lip as I put lilies in the flower holder and lit incense. I clasped my hands and bowed my head. I could feel the tears trailing down my cheeks. I recited the prayers I’d been taught but never thought I’d say over their graves. I stood, looking back to see Shidou still standing behind me. He didn’t move, just stood their waiting for me.

I took a deep breath and tried to prepare for the next one. I closed my eyes as I stepped to the side. With my eyes still closed I knelt. When I opened my eyes, I was looking right at Thalia’s name. My chest and throat were tight. My hands shook so much that I couldn’t keep the water in the scoop as I tried to wash her headstone. Tears blinded me and I missed the water bucket as I tried to refill the scoop. I felt arms wrap around me, one around my waist, the other around my hand. Shidou guided my hand into the bucket and together, we washed her grave. I sobbed aloud as he held my hand to put flowers on her grave. He made me hold the incense while he lit it and we put it in the holder. He held my hands together and said the prayers out loud. When I could, I joined him, but I could barely breathe. He held my hands clasped together in prayer until I stopped crying. He then held me to his chest.

~*~*~*~Shidou

It hurt to see him so broken. I hoped he wouldn’t be angry at me for interfering later, but I had to help him. I couldn’t just stand aside any longer. When his arms went around my neck, I knew he’d forgiven me, or that he didn’t mind. “We can come back tomorrow if you want,” I said softly.

He sighed and it didn’t sound like a sob, “Yeah. I still have to introduce you.” He struggled to get up and I helped him to his feet.

As I was leading him back to the car, an older lady, a bit older than my parents with black hair that was grey around the her ears and skin the color of Dad’s coffee, with lots of cream, stood in the path. “Touru?” she asked softly. She was short enough that she would have fit under his chin, had he been standing upright.

He looked up, “Hi, Alana. This is Shidou. Shidou, this is Alana Rashad, she’s an English professor. She offered us a place to stay.”

“Thank you, Professor Rashad.”

Her smile was soft and warm, “Unless you have me for a class, please call me Alana.”

“Thank you, Alana,” I replied.

“I was starting to get worried about you, so I came to see if you’d arrived. I wasn’t sure if you were going to come here first or my place.”

Touru didn’t seem up to talking, so I answered, “He wanted to see his family first.”

She nodded, “If you’re ready to go, I’ll lead you back to my home.” She stepped forward and laid a hand on Touru’s shoulder, “I wish it could be different circumstances, but I am glad to see you.”

He gave her a one armed hug, the other holding onto me, “Yeah, it is good to see you.”

She laid a warm hand on my arm, “The same goes for you, Shidou.”

I wasn’t sure what to say so I just said, “Thank you.”

We continued on to the car. I helped Touru in and he was limp in the seat, his eyes closed, his expression pained. I ran my fingers through his hair and he sighed a little. I was glad I didn’t have to make him give me directions. I don’t think he could have at that point. I followed Alana’s car, a light purple classic Bug, to a small house with a lot of vines growing over it. It looked like the vines just formed the house, that the walls were the living ivy. I parked, and looked over at Touru. He’d fallen asleep, his eyes looking shadowed. I couldn’t bring myself to wake him, so I carefully lifted him out of the car. He wrapped his arms around my neck as I carried him. It was awkward, but Alana didn’t say anything as she led me to the room. It was a happy room, decorated in yellow with small flowers everywhere. She turned down the comforter for me and I laid Touru down, caressing his hair a little bit before I took off his shoes and covered him. He groaned and turned to his side and I caressed his hair a little longer before bending down to whisper, “Love you,” and kissed his ear.

Alana was sitting in the living room when I came out. She looked very thoughtful. “Thank you for letting us stay here,” I said, not sure what else to say. I felt nervous and awkward around her.

“Have a seat, Shidou,” she gestured to the couch across from her. This room was done in soft yellows, too. I guess it was her favorite color. I sat down on the edge of the couch and waited. “I want to thank you for bringing Touru here. He told me it was your suggestion and I want to thank you. He was very close to his family and, if he’d been three months older, he could have stayed here. But, the courts say you can’t make a decision about where you’ll live until you’re sixteen.”

“I didn’t know that,” I said lamely.

She smiled softly, “All things happen for a reason, Shidou. You care a lot about him, I can see that. Are your parents Buddhist?”

“Mom and Pop are, but Mama and Dad aren’t. They don’t practice a lot, but they did teach me to respect the dead and their graves.”

She nodded and didn’t question that I listed four parents. I guess Touru told her that. Makes things a little easier. “That’s about how much Touru’s family practiced. Thank you for helping him. I saw that.” She sighed and looked at the clock, “Are you hungry?”

I shook my head. Even though I hadn’t eaten since breakfast, the thought of food made my stomach roil uncooperatively. “No, I don’t think I could eat right now. I am tired, though.”

She nodded, “Go ahead, then.”

I stood, “I need to bring things in from the car. Thank you again for letting us stay here.”

When I crawled in the bed, Touru turned over and laid his head on my chest, nuzzling in to me in his sleep. I held him and fell asleep while caressing his hair.

~*~*~*~Touru

I didn’t want to be out of bed and leave Shidou when I woke up, but there was something hovering at the edge of my mind, almost words, almost memories, waiting for a pen to write them down. I turned on the bedside lamp and stared at the ceiling in its feeble light for a moment or two before looking around the room. Our backpacks were in the room. I hugged Shidou and crawled out of bed long enough to get my notebook and pen out. I laid on my stomach when I got back into bed so that I could touch Shidou as much as possible without disturbing him. He’d gotten used to a bit of light and sound when I woke up, so he slept through while I wrote.

The words were hesitant, slow and feeling awkward, but they came, one by one until they showed me what it was that I felt. It was a poem. I don’t often write poetry, but that’s what came out. I was reading over the words again when Shidou rolled over and draped an arm over my back. I glanced at him and his eyes were open, waiting for me to let him know how I was. “Good morning, my love,” I whispered.

He smiled softly, “Good morning, my love. What did you write?”

I handed him my notebook and leaned on him while he read it. He set it down slowly after a bit and wrapped his arms around me. After holding me for a little bit, he said, “That is amazing.”

“I’m going to copy it out and burn it at Thalia’s grave.” It didn’t hurt so much to say that.

“I think she’ll like it,” he whispered after a moment. He cuddled me, pulling me close and kissing the top of my head. “Are you going to post it?”

“I wasn’t really planning on it. It’s kinda personal.”

His arms tightened around me, “I know, but I think it’ll help a lot of people. It’s a beautiful piece, Touru.”

I lifted my head from his chest, “Help people?”

His hand caressed my cheek, “It helped you to write it, didn’t it?”

I thought about that a moment, “Yeah, it did.” I let my cheek rest against his chest and he caressed my hair. “When we get home, I’ll post it.” He smiled at me. “Today, can we go back and visit them again?”

“If that’s what you’d like to do, yes. Anything you want, Love.”

I pushed myself up on the bed and kissed him softly. I pulled back to look into his eyes and then kissed him again. His arms wrapped around me, holding me close to him as I kissed him. After a moment, we pulled away from each other and began getting out of bed. I needed reassurance and he gave it to me. I don’t think either of us felt up for more, even if we’d been at home. We got dressed and repacked our bags. I kept my notebook out so I could recopy the poem while he put our things in the car. Alana smiled at us when we came out of the room. “There’s bagels if you want.”

I smiled at her, “Thank you for letting us stay. I’m sorry we weren’t better company.”

She walked over and hugged me, “Nonsense. I’m glad you finally had the chance to come, Touru.”

“I’ll be able to visit more often, now,” I told her as I hugged her back. I’d known her all my life and she was almost an aunt to me.

She pulled back and looked at me, looking at my eyes. “I’m glad you’ve found someone special, Touru.”

I felt Shidou’s arms wrap around me and I leaned into him, “So am I.”

~*~*~*~Shidou

Alana smiled at me and she really did look happy for us. “What are you plans for today?” she asked.

“After breakfast, I wanted to go back and introduce Shidou and give Thalia a poem and then we’re going to head out. We’re going to have a picnic at the overlook.”

Alana touched Touru’s cheek, “Next time you come out, plan on dinner here.” He agreed and we ate a bagel each before leaving. Alana hugged Touru and invited me to visit her while I was up for school.

When we got back to the cemetery, I followed Touru again, but he turned and held out his hand for me. I took it and we walked together to the graves. We knelt and he began talking, “Mom, Papa, this is Shidou Itsumuri. He’s…he’s my lover. He brought me here so I could see you finally and he’s done a lot to help me. He encourages me to remember you and he’s also given me a new family, too.” He stopped and leaned on my shoulder.

“I’m pleased to meet you. I wish we could have met under better circumstances. You raised an amazing son and I’m honored to know him, and through him, you. I hope that his happiness brings you peace.”

Touru leaned up and kissed my cheek before standing and moving to the side, to his sister’s grave. I knelt next to him again. His fingers reached up and traced her name, “Hey, pest. Never thought I’d be without you by my side.” He took my hand, “This is Shidou. He took me to prom in a dress. His friends all danced with me.” He laughed a little, “He had to pry me away to get the last dance. I think you’d like him. He makes me very happy. I still miss you like crazy. Until yesterday, I almost expected you to just show up someday and tell me you were playing a joke on me.” His voice broke a little. “Yesterday, it became real that you were gone. Shidou was here. He helped me honor your grave. I’m sure you knew that. He knows I miss you terribly and he doesn’t make me put that away. He lets me miss you, lets me talk about you. I really wish you could have met him.” He leaned into my chest and I held him close.

“Thalia, your brother is an amazing person. I’m sure you knew that. He told me you were protective of him. I hope that you think I’m good enough for him because I want to be with him for the rest of my life.” I bowed my head so it rested on Touru’s and we stayed there a long time before he stirred.

“I wrote you something, Thalia. A poem. It’s been a long time since I wrote poetry. I hope you like it.” He pulled the poem out of his pocket and set it out on her grave, smoothing the paper flat. He took a lighter to the edge of it and I tried to read it again as it burned.

We stayed there until the ashes blew away and the sun was almost directly over head. Every so often, one of us would make a comment, usually directed at Thalia, but for the most part, we just sat there, silent. He didn’t cry. I think all his tears were shed yesterday. He moved to get up, “I’ll see you again soon, brat.”

“I’ll bring him and I’ll come to visit you, too,” I added. We dropped the lighter off at the shrine where we’d forgotten to return it yesterday. They thanked us like it wasn’t a big deal we’d taken it. I guess a lot of people forget. Visiting graves can be very unnerving.

We stopped by a grocery store to pick up sandwiches and drinks before leaving town. We watched the sunset over the promontory, Touru leaning against my chest, between my legs. I wrapped my arms around him. There were a few other people watching with us, but they didn’t matter. It was just him and me there, watching the sun go down in amazing colors. We’d hiked around a while, and he showed me places that were special to him. As time went on, he became lighter, his eyes beginning to glow again, so that by the time we finally ate, he was smiling freely again.

It was late when we finally got home. He held me close and whispered, “Make love to me again.” I kissed him deeply and obliged, slowly exploring his body, our orgasms almost soft, just warmth that seemed to overflow. There were tears in his eyes when he came, but he held me tightly. We showered and went to bed. He curled on my chest. I would miss him when I had to leave. I’d gotten used to him sleeping on me.


Posted by Thalin, Monday 5:30


The road through memories lies ragged with tears
Potholes of broken dreams in deeply rutted lanes
Rattled the mind that’s hazed over them with nostalgia
Reminders of past joys and present losses
Starkly line the bare roadside
Always bringing the mind back painfully
To those who have gone before
And left me behind, never to forget.

How long will I be alone before I join you?
How long is my bath through the barren wastes
How many reminds must I face before I see you again?
Am I to travel this road alone always,
Only the fading memory of your face as company?

A light breaks through the melancholy in my soul
I shy away from it, unused to the brightness,
Afraid to see what my world has become.
The light remains, grows, embraces me.
I can see you clearly again, smiling at me.
A single flower blooms in a tear-filled pothole,
Growing toward the light that refuses to leave
Even as it wavers through the clouds of my heart.
You are at peace, waiting for the time when,
In some distant future, I join you again.
Until then, I have the flower and the light.