Gender Dysphoria: How it Feels to Live a Lie

Ok, I know I said I wouldn't keep you waiting so long again in the last chapter, but I got sick this week and it slowed my writing down to pretty mcuh non-existant. Now that I'm feeling better, I put my foot down and gave myself an ultimatum that I would finish this chapter TODAY. So here it is...

I haven't done this for a while, so I guess I should put one up...

Disclaimer: This story is entirely MINE. Although brand names and names of cities of course are not. However, the name of Gwen's home neighborhood was something I thought up, so if there really is a place called Parker Hills, FL, then it's totally coincidental. Kay? Okay.


Chapter 14

I felt great. I’d never felt more alive in all my life. I was refreshed, revitalized, rejuvenated, reborn, and any other re- word you can think of. As I lay in Marcus’ bed, his strong arm wrapped protectively around me from behind, I felt more at peace than I had ever been before.

Well except for one thing. I kept feeling this hot breath. It couldn’t have been from Marcus cause he was behind me. This was coming from in front of me. I slowly opened my eyes and came face to face with small, wild-looking, brown eyes…..and black fur.

“Eep?”

“AHHHH!” I jumped out of bed, snatching the sheets with me and climbed into the arm chair on the other side of the room.

Marcus, startled awake, looked at me. “What?!” I pointed at the small furry black and white animal that was currently staring at Marcus. I was too shocked to speak. He looked next to him and then surprisingly smiled. “Oh. It’s just Wilbur.”

“That animal has a name?!”

“Wilbur’s my pet monkey. Come’ere Wilbur.” The little monkey jumped into Marcus’ arms and he scratched his head. “See? He’s harmless.” He got up with Wilbur and walked to where I was still piled up in the chair. “Say hello to Gwen, Wilbur.” The monkey extended his tiny hand. I slowly took it and shook it’s hand.

“This is unbelievable. You own a pet monkey?”

“Yeah. He’s not as bourgeois as a cat and can interact with you more than a dog can. Wilbur’s my best friend, aren’t you?” Wilbur gave a thumbs up. I smiled. He was definitely a smart monkey.

“Well, where was he yesterday?”

“Sometimes, he likes to hang out outside and do whatever he likes to do, so I let him out and I guess he wanted to spend the night outside. He does that a lot. When he gets ready, he’ll sneak in through the dog door in the kitchen and make his way back inside.”

Wilbur was quite the little cute monkey, but I still kept my distance. I couldn’t help it. I was never partial to animals of any kind.

***

“Could I ask you something?” Marcus said as we lounged in the den. He sat with his feet propped up on the coffee table and his arm wrapped around me watching tv as I sat next to him, eating a bowl of Cookie Crisp. I kinda wasn’t prepared for spending the night let alone having sex, so I didn’t bring any spare clothes. I borrowed one of Marcus’ really big t-shirts and called it an outfit—actually, that was all the clothes Marcus would allow me to put on. He had on a wife-beater and baby blue boxers. Wilbur sat on the floor in front of the tv, eating a bowl of chopped banana slices. Don’t ask me where he bought them from, but Marcus put him in a red t-shirt with a picture of a red pepper that said, “Hot Tamale” and matching red shorts that had red peppers all over it.

“What?” I asked.

“You wont get mad, will you? I mean it’s a personal question.”

“No. I promise.”

“While you were sleeping last night, I noticed an old scratch right above your eye. What happened?”

I reached a hand up and touched the place. “I got beat up.”

“What? By your father?”

“No. not my father. Carlos.”

“Who is Carlos?”

I sighed. “He was my first boyfriend. I had met him here at the diner and we were going out for a year or more……then he found out about me.”

“You mean your…um….”

“My transitioning? Yeah, he found out. And he was nowhere near as accepting as you. Carlos came to my apartment and flipped out. he knocked me to the ground and put his hand down the front of my pants, checking to see ‘if it was true’. When he got the truth about me, that’s when the beating began.”

“I can’t believe he beat up on a woman.”

I chuckled dryly. “Not a woman. A tranny.”

Marcus lifted my chin to look into his now, stern eyes. “A woman. No man is to put there hands on a woman.”

“Then I guess Carlos missed that memo.”

Marcus hugged me against him again. “I guess he did.”

Suddenly, Wilbur made a noise and we both glanced down and watched as he stood up, his bowl in one hand and tapping the now empty container with his other hand. I laughed. “Someone’s hungry still.”

Marcus shook his head and sighed. “He eats more than I do.”

“If that’s true, then that would be quite an accomplishment.”

Marcus looked dumbfounded at me. “I don’t eat that much.”

I gave him an ‘are you serious?’ look. “You’re a pig, Marcus.” I pulled out my spoon from my bowl and tilted the bowl, drinking the remaining milk.

“And you’re not?” I frowned at him from around the bowl’s rim.

I put the bowl down, knowing I had a milk mustache. “Kiss my ass.”

“I’d love to. Bend over.” We laughed but it was cut short when Wilbur threw his bowl at Marcus. We looked at him as he put his hands together and stuck them under his chin as a sign of pleading. “Ok. Ok. Hang on a minute.” Marcus got up and grabbed another banana, chopping it into disks.

I looked back to Wilbur and saw he was staring at me. I stared back, crossing my arms. Wilbur crossed his arms. I put my arms down. He put his arms down. I put my hands on my hips. Wilbur put his hands on his hips. I moved one hand up to my forehead. Wilbur moved a hand to his forehead. I lifted my hand and waved at him. He lifted his hand and waved at me. “Arent you a smart little fella.” That’s when Wilbur jumped onto the couch with me and sat on my lap. The little monkey was quickly growing on me, I had to admit. I let him sit there and tried to timidly rub his head. He seemed pretty content for a while, until he suddenly stood up, pulling the collar of my shirt out so he could take a peak down at my chest. I gasped and before I knew it, snatched my shirt from him. “You little pervert!” Wilbur quickly placed both his hands over his eyes.

***

That same morning after breakfast, Marcus drove me back to my apartment. He pulled into the parking lot and turned the ignition off. “You have any plans tomorrow night?”

“Why?” I asked.

“Well, I wanted to cook dinner for you.”

I smiled. “Awwww. How sweet of you, Marcus.”

“Don’t get all lovey dovey on me. I’m cooking for you so you can get some culinary pointers.”

I gasped. How dare him. “Excuse me. I can cook.”

“No, you cant.”

“I’m not that bad, though.”

“You remember my birthday and you fixed me a chocolate cake……”

“That was an honest mistake. Salt looks a lot like sugar.”

“I was in the bathroom all night.”

“Oh whatever….Will Wilbur “The Perv” be there?”

Marcus laughed. “No. I’ll let him outside. I’m sure he’ll find something to occupy his time for the few hours you guys are there. So can you make it?”

“I don’t know. Me and Savannah are supposed to hang out tomorrow.”

“Well bring her with you. I’ve been wanting to meet her anyway. And tell her to bring that Ian guy too.”

I looked into his brown eyes and caved. I couldn’t say ‘no’ to a face like that. “….Okay, I’ll ask her.”

Marcus smiled this cute little smile that melted all my insides. “Great. Call me and tell me what the deal is then.”

“Okay.” I kissed those desirable lips of his when he leaned in, wrapping my arm around his neck.

We finally pulled back and he whispered against my lips, “You’d better get out this car before I mount you.”

I smirked and cocked an eyebrow. “Yes sir.” Opening the door, I hopped out the car and walked inside the apartment building. Entering my apartment, I immediately took a shower and dressed into some loose sweat pants and a fitted white tank. Walking next door, I knocked on my friend’s door. “Savannah? Open the door, girl, I know you’re there.” There was the sound of light footsteps, then the door opened.

“Hey Gwenie-poo!” Savannah said with a big, dimple-filled, smile on her face. “Where have you been? I’ve been calling your place all night last night.”

I started smiling like a lunatic.

“What’s with the goofy-ass grin?”

“I spent the night at Marcus’ house.”

“You were at his house? Last night? You…..You two had sex, didn’t you?”

“Yes!” I nearly squeaked, hardly able to maintain my excitement. Savannah pulled me inside her apartment and shut the door.

“So he’s okay with you being transgender? Of course he is, otherwise he wouldn’t have left that beauty mark on your neck.” She stated, referring to the hickey Marcus gave me.

“He says he doesn’t care that I’m transgender. That he cares too much for me to care. I was shocked to say the least. Somehow, I just knew he wasn’t going to like finding out my truth…..I guess I was wrong. And let me tell you, Savannah , I’ve never been more happy to be wrong in all my life.”

“Well I am so glad for you. After your whole ordeal with Carlos, I didn’t think……” she saw the sudden downcast of my face and stopped her sentence. “I’m sorry, Gwenie-poo. I didn’t mean to…”

I held up a hand. “Don’t be. It’s okay now. I’m over it.”

“Are you really?” Savannah asked me with certain unsure tone in her voice.

“Yes. Besides, I’ve got something better. Someone who makes me feel special and makes me laugh, instead of always trying to get into my pants.”

“You have GOT to let me meet Marcus. I need to finally talk to the man that has captivated my Gwenie so.”

“Sure. How about tomorrow night? Marcus is cooking dinner at his place and wanted me to invite you and Ian.”

“That would be great. I just love it when a man cooks for you. Somehow, the food tastes better. Ian does that for me sometimes and I could just gobble it up……and him TOO.”

I laughed. Savannah was such a freak. “Where IS Ian anyway?”

As if on queue, Ian walked out from Savannah ’s bathroom, clad in a blue robe, his black hair was wet and falling around his face. “What’s up, Gwen?”

“Hi Ian.” I watched as he came up behind Savannah , wrapping his arms around her, and kissed her neck.

“I heard my name.” he stated.

“Yeah, my boyfriend Marcus wanted me to invite you two over his place for dinner tomorrow night. Think you can go?”

“Sure. Just as long as it’s not you.” They both laughed. My friends are trying to play me.

“Damn it, what’s wrong with the way I cook?”

“Nothing. If you only you knew how.”

Astonished, my mouth gaped open as I watched Ian chuckling and Savannah gave me an apologetic shrug.

“Sorry, Gwenie-kins, but it’s true.”

“What complete and utter bullshit. I’ll show you all.”

***

Marcus opened the front door and smiled at the three of us as we walked inside. “Hello. Welcome to Casa del Marcus. Make yourselves at home.” I wrapped my arms around him and gave him a kiss. “Hiya beautiful. You look hot tonight.” He said taking a long look at the form-fitting black dress and black four inch heels I had on.

“Hi, yourself.” I admired the jeans, black dress shirt, and black leather dress shoes he had on. How is it possible a person just looks good in anything? He could have a bag over his head and chicken feathers stuck all over him and he’d still have my knees shaking.

“Ahem.” I heard Savannah, obviously trying to catch my attention.

“Oh, my bad. Savannah, Ian, this is Marcus Corel. Marcus, this is Savannah Maverick and Ian Simpson.”

Marcus extended a hand to Savannah. “Nice to meet you.”

Savannah smiled kindly. “Nice to meet you too…….up close anyway.”

When Marcus looked like he was going to question her comment, I spoke up. “Never mind her.” Shrugging, Marcus and Ian shook hands then I showed my friends to Marcus’ den to watch a bit of tv.

I walked into the kitchen and found Marcus, now donning a white cooking apron that said “I’m Still Hot, But It Comes In Flashes” in black lettering, as he pulled out Ziploc bags of steaks covered in his own mix of liquid marinade from the refrigerator. He was rolling up the sleeves of his shirt when I came up behind him and wrapped my arms around his waist. “Baby?”

“Hm?”

“Where the hell did you get that apron?”

“I ordered it online.”

“From where? “The Over-the-Hill Cooking Club’?”

He laughed. “No. From the Food Network site. I love Paula Deen and she had this apron on in one of her episodes, so I bought one.”

“Oooooookay. And what are you cooking for dinner?”

“Nothing major. Just steaks and salad.”

I nodded as I took my index finger and made circles on his back. “Marcus, honey?” I said sweetly.

“Mm hm.”

“Do you think maybe I could….possibly….help you cook dinner?”

I felt Marcus pause. “You’re joking right?”

I hit his shoulder. “Marcus!”

“You’re serious?”

“Yes, I’m serious. I wanna help. Ian and Savannah believe I can’t cook worth a damn and I need to prove them wrong.”

“Why? It’s the truth.”

“Marcus!” I whined.

“Oh alright. You can make the salad.”

I smiled, clapping my hands together. “Great!”

“All the ingredients are in the fridge. And I have ham cubes in their too for the salad.”

I washed my hands then opened the refrigerator and grabbed the cherry tomatoes, the blocks of cheddar and white American cheese, the red onion, a bag of shredded carrots, the bag of ham cubes, and placed it on the counter. “Where’s the lettuce?”

Marcus reached into the fridge and handed me a head of lettuce. Embarrassing. It was right in front of me. “Oh. I thought it was a head of cabbage.”

Marcus closed his eyes momentarily, obviously contemplating whether he would still let me fix the salad. “You sure you want to do this?”

“Yes.” I snapped. “It’s only salad.” He shrugged and went back to his task of laying tenderized steaks on his heated griddle. The steaks were sizzling. I didn’t do too bad on fixing the salad. I had trouble cutting up the lettuce—I kinda hacked at it with the butcher knife, until Marcus showed me how to properly do it—but other than that and that I nearly cut my finger off trying to slice the tomatoes in quarters—those cherry tomatoes were too damn small and slick—I finished 80% on my own. I was happy!

Dinner went smoothly and by the time everyone was finished and had a scoop of french vanilla ice-cream, we were all about to burst. And they all had to admit, that my salad was the bomb. See? I showed their asses.

“……and you know how I babble on and on when I’m really drunk…” Savannah started while we all still sat around the table. “so I just up and told Ian one night, not realizing that’s a dangerous move to make when you don’t know if your boyfriend will accept it or not. But he was cool with it.”

I smiled. “That’s wonderful, Savannah. I’m so happy for you both.”

“Thanks but don’t single yourselves out. You two seem like a match made in heaven.”

Marcus shrugged. “Eh, I think I’ll keep’er.” I elbowed him in the side and he laughed. “Ouch. I was just joking, baby. You know I love you…” pause. A long pause. Did he just say what I thought he said? Savannah moved her hands over her gaping mouth. Ian smiled.

“Did….did you just say ‘you love me’?”

Marcus cleared his throat. “I ah….well…yeah. Yeah, I did.”

“Did you mean it?” I found myself almost whispering to him. Inside, my chest was screaming ‘Yes! Please say you meant it!’.

“Every word. I know its only been a handful of months we’ve been together, but my feelings for you have quickly gone past that of ‘like’. I’m…I’m in love with you, Gwen.” And there it was. Tears I didn’t even know I was holding back rolled down my face. I never would’ve thought I’d ever hear those words said to that name. I know with my siblings and mama, there was an unconditional love……but this was different. This love was…….special. it was directed at ME, Gwen the person, you know? A lover’s love. I’d never felt that kind of love before in my life. I’d had plenty of crushes in my youth, however, it wasn’t a deep love and it definitely wasn’t reciprocated. For those of you who have never been told “I love you” from a lover that meant it, let me tell you, it’s the best feeling in the world.

“Um, a response would be nice.” Marcus said, looking a bit nervous. I could tell he was a true romantic, in that he takes his relationships seriously and doesn’t declare his love for someone often, like some guys.

“I’m in love with you too.” Smiling with relief on his face, Marcus kissed me then hugged me tightly.

I knew she wouldn’t be able to hold herself quiet for TOO long. Savannah spoke up. “Aaaaaawwwwww! You’re in love! How sweet is THIS! I need a hug too!” she got up from her chair and wrapped her arms around both of us.