Heaven Far Away

Interlude Two - Unanswered Love (Hisayuki Takumi)

“Go back to your room.”

Does it make me a wimp if I just follow those words without even trying to retaliate? I didn’t know, and truthfully, I didn’t really care either. The name Sugimoto Shinakio was still buzzing loudly in my head for me to think straight. It wasn’t like I never thought about having to talk about him to someone else, but when it was thrown at me with such velocity… even I couldn’t find an immediate response to it.

On my way back to my room, I wondered what would have happened if I had agreed. Yes, he’s the reason why I’m no longer taking exclusives. Yes, he was that good. Yes, in the affirmative tone that would denote everything good about Shinakio.

What one cannot have, it will always be better.

Tossing my card key onto the nearest surface in my room, I loosened my tie and sighed heavily. I was not booked for the evening and yet when Akeno showed up, I just knew that it meant trouble. In a fashion that was unlike the typical me, I left a trail of clothes on the floor leading from the bedroom door to the bathroom and finally into the shower. Hot water poured down my body and I wondered if I could wash away Akeno’s grip on my arm.

They are the same age.

Akeno is rising idol at the age of 17, Shinakio was 17 as well. Perhaps underneath this hot shower, amongst the water, fog, and mist, I can recollect to my heart’s content and not have to worry about what expression I am showing on my face.

Seven years ago, I entered this club thinking that I was going to have the easiest life ahead of me. I just needed to smile, eat, chat and eventually slip into the same bed as someone else. While doing all of that, I will be getting paid a hefty amount of money. Why not? Actually, I did not even know of the job until one of my previous girlfriends slammed me with it. She had called me –let me see if I can remember correctly- a fake bastard who was too nice to be true and too vague to be real.

In short, why didn’t I just go and fuck random people since I have the looks and personality for it?

At first, I thought she was just joking and that it was a new way of insulting someone. Then, because I didn’t want to enter university, I started looking for a job. Let me tell you, the job market back then wasn’t as good as people make it sound. So as a last resort, I wondered if this business of sleeping with strangers was actually real.

Then I was standing in front of the owner.

Konbayoshi was younger back then and at first glance I could tell that he did not want to be here. On that face, I saw the weariness of an old man and the fatigue of any other mortal being. It wasn’t my place to comment, so I just smiled and followed through with the interview. The rest, as I’ve been told by people left and right, was history. I apparently became the second host in Opiate who did not have to be trained. Although technically I was the first one, and then there was always some confusing explanation about the other host’s experience and on and on.

It was none of my business.

For now, I get my own room and place to return to. It was a club’s room, not a home; but to me, it was as good as a home. I met Bakusui-san first, and burst his bubbles of having a new host to train. I remembered that he looked me over before cracking a grin and wished me good luck.

“What for?”

“For someone who doesn’t believe that emotions will be involved. Good luck.”

I admit it took me a while to figure out that he was speaking about me. Bakusui-san had been right though. I thought I entered a business that was all about the flesh and enjoyment of both parties, I never thought about emotions. Then I reflected on my former partners’ feedbacks and realized that perhaps… I’ve never really put emotions into any of those relationships.

To others, Opiate was a host club that specialized in the ways of the flesh.
To me, Opiate was a host club that awakened my emotions.

At the time when I entered the club, it was at a pass-over stage where old hosts were making room for new hosts. I saw many who came to apply only to be rejected. I saw many who were trained by Bakusui-san and could not endure the demand. I saw the same labour force that I saw outside of these doors. I saw nothing special.

Until when I opened the owner’s room door one afternoon after a short meeting and outside of Konbayoshi’s door stood a golden haired youth who looked up at me with a startled expression. I had no doubt that he was a host, it was almost a given. From his golden hair to his golden eyes, I thought I saw someone different.

“Ah, you must be Takumi!”

He pinpointed me with ease.

“What makes you think that?”

But I was curious.

“The owner told me that a very handsome man called Takumi joined recently.”

Ah, a compliment. And I couldn’t help but laugh lightly at his forthcoming answer.

“Thank you.”

“Chitose.” The owner was growing nearer, and I quickly excused myself. A few steps away from the room, I couldn’t help but turn and glance right back. The scene was nothing scandalous, but something about the two of them just spoke of a bond that could not be touched.

The owner’s lover, I had temporarily coined him as such.

It was the first time I met the other number one, this other host who did not need to be trained. There was no doubt of his beauty and the correlating price. Over the days, he became more than just a title, a fellow host, another number one. First to go was his position as the owner’s lover. I realized that perhaps it was yet a different kind of bond.

Then he was a mentor. He was a sempai. He was someone who pointed me in the right direction and onto the least painful path. He was a confidante. He was a friend. He was someone who became inseparable from this place I call home.

And more and more often, I was labelled as the number one. How I managed to roll into that spot, I didn’t even know. I didn’t even take those titles seriously until one day Bakusui-san greeted me.

“Morning, Emperor.”

“… what?”

“You’re the official number one, haven’t you heard?”

“Oh, I thought that was just a joke.”

“Trust me; it is far from being a joke.” Bakusui-san chuckled at my seeming impassivity at the rank. “You’ll understand soon enough.”

Half a year after I joined Opiate, my name was equal to the number one of the place. It meant I was worth more, people had to pay more and I had more freedom to choose and select. It was almost prestigious, but when I really think about it, the title just means that I was the best fuck for now.

Put that way, I wasn’t sure whether it was still so prestigious.

Was it the thirteenth or fourteenth month when I saw him first? At first glance, I knew he was underage, but that just meant he was that much more special. The club only offered membership to those extra special ones who were underage. For a moment, I wondered if I should approach him or just let him sit there and get used to the environment. Maybe after he’s gotten used to the surrounding, he wouldn’t find it so interesting to come again and save his innocent brain from the deeds that were exchanged in this place.

But he lifted his head and saw me. Out of reflex, I smiled back at him with a nod. Truthfully, he was the one who approached me first. He had large eyes and a shy expression; he was reserved but could get excited in a minute’s time. It seemed like he could not decide between staying composed and acting his age. Or perhaps, he was trying to restrain the typical childish behaviour that was within him. This latter point was deduced later when I wished again and again that time could rewind itself.

“May I know your name?”

“Sugimoto Shinakio.” He muttered lightly but quickly turned his face to mine, so fast that I almost flinched back out of shock. “But please, please only call me Shinakio!”

As you wish.

It was what I replied with; it was what I was taught to reply with. It meant nothing to me, as I’ve uttered that sentence to many clients before, but to him, it was a new world. Many meetings later, by a chanced conversation, I spoke to Chitose about this Shinakio.

“What did you say?”

“Mmm? Oh, his name is Sugimoto Shinakio. He prefers to be called Shinakio though. He’s quite cute for a kid his age.”

“Is that so.”

“Sempai, what’s wrong?”

“Do you know the name Sugimoto?”

“It holds no special meaning to me.”

“You know, the current Japanese minister of justice’s family name is also Sugimoto. What’s more interesting is that he has a son about Shinakio-san’s age.”

Yes, that was quite interesting. No wonder the owner has allowed him membership to the club.

I felt as if I’ve been told a secret that I wasn’t supposed to hear. At the next meeting with Shinakio, I mentioned nothing of my knowledge of his family background. Maybe I was feeling guilty, or a little saddened by the fact, or perhaps just mystified. Whatever the true reasons, I wanted to shield him from possibly feeling any singe of betrayal.

We met regularly. He came by once a week and was always sitting in the same corner, waiting quietly. I wondered what he would do if I didn’t show up? But it was part of my job, so there was no way I would stand him up. Talking was part of my job. Entertaining was part of my job. Smiling and listening were part of my job. Kissing… was part of my job. However, for a casual booking I did not even think about going beyond a chaste kiss to the lips.

Thankfully, Shinakio did not ask for more either.

It must have been years that we continued to meet like this. At the beginning, it was once a week, then it was a few times a month, then it was a couple of times once in a while. With time, he showed up looking more and more reserved, as if a shell was sucking him into it. An invisible shell, for I never saw it.

“You know, you can ask for an exclusive if seeing me like this makes you feel inconvenient.”

Shinakio had looked up at me with his large eyes and I thought he was going to take the offer, but instead, he smiled and shook his head.

“It’s enough like this.”

So we carried on. The nights and days that I did not see him, I had many other clients to indulge. It was the same old parties, same old conversation, same old adult conversation and same old acts at the end of the allotted time. Whenever I met with Shinakio, I could not help but feel that those other encounters felt dirty and wrong in some sense.

Then… he disappeared.

For seven months, he did not show up in the club. At first, it made no difference to me as his appearances were thinning already. Then I was slightly alerted, and finally when half a year passed by, I was concerned. When did it happen that my gaze would roam the lobby of Opiate in search for that little boy’s face, hoping to see him tucked into some corner patiently waiting for me to arrive?

He doted on me, I basked in that. I didn’t want to admit it, but perhaps I relied on him more than I thought possible. For the past couple of years, his presence was the only constant in my life. Previously, it had been Chitose, but he went away on an exclusive. For how long? It was supposed to be five years.

Unbelievable.

But Chitose had only smiled and packed his luggage to leave with his patron. I’ve only met his patron once; I supposed he was a kind enough man.

So when both of my constants left, the feeling of being lost at open sea crept in on me and I looked at my numerous clients per week with the fleeting gaze of a bird passing by.

When Shinakio returned after his seven months hiatus, we met again. It was not in the Opiate lobby, it was in the owner’s office.

“Takumi, Sugimoto-san here has offered a month of exclusive. Will you accept?”

Exclusive? I glanced over at Shinakio in surprise. I had wanted to read an answer from his expression, but he had lowered his head and gave me a profile that revealed nothing. I thought he wasn’t interested in exclusives.

Nevertheless, I agreed and the two of us walked back to my room in silence.

I had my questions and I suppose he had his own insecurities as well. From the beginning to the end –of that short trip-, he only asked me one question the minute we entered my room.

“Takumi-san.”

“Yes?”

“Do you love me?”

My hand paused on its way to the desk; I had wanted to put down my card key. The question caught me off guard and I didn’t know how to respond. Should I say yes? But wouldn’t that be unethical to lie about such a question? But if I say no, wouldn’t that be even more awkward? Battling with my own indecision, I realized that I really didn’t have an answer. It wasn’t a yes, it wasn’t a no, it was somewhere in between in a murky land that I didn’t know how to navigate around.

“It’s okay, you don’t have to answer.” He saved the day when he brushed the question aside with a sweet smile, to which, I returned with one of my own and the tension in the room was momentarily subsided.

For the next thirty days, we spent glued to one another. In the public, we appeared as modest as possible. Behind closed doors, we did the most sinful of activities together. It was almost shocking, to see this young boy capable of these two different sides.

He was only seventeen!

There was a flurry of endless activities that we did each day, there was always something different to do. And yet, at the end of each day, Shinakio would ask me the same question.

“Takumi-san, do you love me?”

He would always then shake his head and tell me to ignore it.

At the beginning, I could only smile, then I could kiss him, then we could do more. But it was a lingering question that never received its answer. Perhaps Shinakio spoiled me by always giving me an easy way out. Privately, I questioned myself and wondered if I loved this silent child. However, each day only allowed me so little time to contemplate and all else was filled with feeling, touching, experiencing, living.

“Takumi-san, do you love me?”

“Do you love me?”

It was after the nth time we’ve had sex, it was one evening when we were lying in bed, and I finally could carry on a conversation with that question as a pretext. I wondered what he felt when he asked me that every single night. Was it just a quirk about this particular client that needed to be filled?

“I do, Takumi-san. I do love you.”

Taken back and perhaps a little surprised, I could only look at him. He looked up at me with his large eyes and that unwavering gaze. I reminded myself that he was the minister of justice’s son and that when this was over and done with, I will just be another memory in this boy’s life. It’s a life that’s only been seventeen years long.

“Well, aren’t you cute.” I chuckled and leaned down to kiss him, which he returned obediently.

Now, when I think back on it, I still ask myself, just how long is long enough to say that you’ve fallen in love? A year? A day? Or precisely a month? Maybe even as little as a minute.

One month was thirty days, four weeks, and countless number of seconds. As time went on, I realized slowly the dimming of Shinakio’s eyes. The way he would stare off into space and look up at me with that yearning look. I didn’t know what he wanted from me. I offered smiles, I offered care, and I offered all that I could, but still, it wasn’t enough.

Then on the last night together, before I would let go of that hand for the rest of my life, he turned and looked at me once again. I memorized his hair, his face, his lips, the skin beneath my fingertips, and his large eyes that seemed to have pleaded with me. “Takumi-san, do you love me?”

“… I don’t know…” For the first time in thirty days, I had an answer. It was not the answer that a host was trained to give, it wasn’t an answer that was fair, but it was the truthful answer.

“If we spend more time together, do you think you will grow to love me, Takumi-san?”

“… I don’t know…”

He was the minister of justice’s son, but he was an autonomous being. He was only seventeen, yet he presents the maturity of someone well beyond my age.

Shinakio smiled and nodded his head. It was the sweetest smile. “Thank you, Takumi-san, for this month. It was the best thirty days of my life.” His kiss was as sweet as his smile, and when he was gone, I felt the emptiness that the wind brought. I don’t remember how long I stood watching after him, but it would never seem to be enough. If I knew the meaning and importance of those questions, I would have asked for the world to return those thirty days to me. No, just return one day to me so I can answer properly.

The next morning, I woke up with a dull headache. Sleep did not come easily that night, it’s been a while –a month to be exact- since I’ve last slept alone. Water in hand, I turned on the T.V. and flipped through the channels lazily. Slowly, my senses came back when I noticed that practically all the channels were playing the same scene. It looked to be a building with police surrounding it.

A shooting?

So I turned up the volume and listened.

“For all those viewers who may be joining us this moment, this is the breaking news of the day. This morning at five forty-seven Tokyo time, a teenage boy jumped from the commercial progress centre’s building’s roof top. The boy had just been identified as Sugimoto Shinakio, the only son of Japanese minister of justice, Sugimoto-sama.”

And so, I thought my world came to a stop.

For the rest of that day, I stood holding that cup of water in my hand and watched the news again and again, how ever many times the stations were wiling to play, I watched. I didn’t know the time when Bakusui-san came to get me from my room; he took one look at me and shut off the television. I wanted to tell him that there was no need to do that, I have the entire thing memorized and engraved in my head already.

Without my consent, all my bookings were cancelled and I chose to remain in my room. I didn’t know why they were doing this, to me, at that moment, everything in the world was normal.

Shinakio’s death did not register completely until I attended his funeral a week later. When I stood in a crowd of people dressed in all black and with their heads bowed, that freezing feeling came back again. I felt isolated amongst these people dressed in black, and I wondered if I starred hard enough, would Shinakio break from that coffin and walk back to me again?

After the ceremony, Shinakio’s father requested to see me alone.

I thought: ah, would I die here and now?

But no, the minister of justice looked at me and bowed his head deeply. “I’m sorry.” He apologized with shaking shoulders; my brain knew he was crying. “I’m sorry.” I didn’t know what he was apologizing for, but I didn’t know how to stop him either. “Shinakio wanted to bet, he wanted to know whether he was worth loving. He said you did not look at him as a politician’s son, he said he wanted to try…”

The conversation registered in me somewhere, but I don’t know how I could access those words again. Thankfully, the owner explained to me afterwards. Sugimoto, despite being the minister of justice, had a nasty habit of his own. He was a closet pedophile who preyed on his son. Of course, he was not proud of the fact and thus Shinakio had always lived in confinement. When Shinakio saw me, he wanted to break free. Sugimoto told Shinakio that there was no love in this world that could be offered to Shinakio if they did not associate him with a politician.

Coming to me was Shinakio’s last wager. And I had disappointed him.

“The rest is up for you to decide. Do you want to quit? Or would you like to go on a vacation for a while?”

“I want to continue working.”

“Yes, but do you want to take a small vacation here and now?”

“No, I want to go back to work.”

So I smiled when the owner frowned. I entertained the clients as if nothing had taken place. Every night was a different man; each person I held was a nameless and faceless mess of flesh. My body was on automatic drive, while my brain had been given a temporary vacation. My heart screamed and ached and I wondered if I will have to live the rest of my life like this.

A walking corpse.

Then one morning, someone knocked on my door. Before opening it, I had already put on my business smile, the one that was polite and trained. After opening it, I found that I no longer could hold it up.

“Takumi.”

It was Chitose.

Aren’t you on exclusive? I wanted to ask, but could only stare at him in mute.

Chitose took me away from the club to some sea side resort. On the way I had joked and laughed with him. And completely contrary to my character, I had even flirted and treated him like a client. Chitose said nothing; he merely looked at me with those eyes.

Don’t look at me like that, I wanted to say.

What the sea side resort looked at, I have no idea. I can’t even tell you the name of the resort right now. Each day, we would take walks, we would eat luxurious meals, and we would relax by the pool side. Each day, I wanted to tell him of my gratitude, but each day, there was always something that held me back.

The third night, I woke up from who knows what sort of a dream I had and starred at the ceiling. Exiting my room, I wandered around the empty living room before noticing that Chitose’s door was open. Curious –and in need of company-, I made my way to the doorway and saw the outline of his body on the bed.

“… I don’t know... I know it’s not real, but…”

He was speaking to someone on the phone. From his voice, it was evident that he had cried not long ago. It was the first time that I’ve seen Chitose like this. It was a shock and I could not move my eyes away.

“I will, I know. Sorry, I just couldn’t…”

Even ‘till this day, I didn’t know whom he was speaking to that night. But I have my guesses now.

I mentioned nothing of what I saw and returned to my room. The next morning, everything was back to normal and he smiled and I smiled, we both hid behind masks. Mine, was more immediate. The last evening in that resort, Chitose had finally broken the silence he had kept regarding this entire ordeal.

“Takumi, it’s okay if you want to quit. The owner will help you look for a job elsewhere. The Konbayoshi family isn’t just about this host club.”

“There is no need, Chitose-san; I will go back to work after we return.”

“Takumi, don’t be like this. It’s better to express your grief than to be consumed by it.”

I didn’t want to know, didn’t want to admit, didn’t want to open my eyes to the possibility, so I scooted forward and touched his cheek gently. “If that’s the case, will Chitose-san comfort me then?” Boldly, I moved forward and kissed him.

I was aware that he did not return my kiss, he did not even move, but he did not resist either. He didn’t resist when my lips wandered and my hands pulled and tugged at his clothes. At this moment, my body was on autopilot, and it did not require me to think. Because every time I think, it will end up with one word. One name.

Shinakio.

No longer did I want to think.

I know we were sprawled on the sofa, his kimono pushed to his obi, obstructed by his obi. Then his arms encircled my head and he held me against his heart, his beating heart, his living heart. “Takumi. It’s okay, Takumi.” I stopped; he stopped me so I stopped. I closed my eyes and for the first time since hearing of Shinakio’s death, I finally knew the bitterness of my own tears.

I love you.

But it was too late.

I love you.

But it was no longer of any use.

I love you.

But you will never return to me again.

But still… I love you.

That evening, we spent the night sprawled out on the sofa, neither of us moved. When sunlight reached my eyelids, I wanted to groan in protest but only obeyed and opened. I was on the sofa like I last remembered, a light duvet covered me. Sitting up, it was between the folds of the curtains that I saw Chitose. He was talking on the phone with his back to me. In that world of white and blue, he stood in a vivid red that captured all of my attention.

“I don’t know yet, I will call you back later regarding whether I can return today or not. I’m sorry Hoshino-san; I promise this will be remedied. Yes. Goodbye.”

He ended his call and I was within a few steps of distance.

“Sempai, you can go back. I’m fine now.”

Startled, he turned and looked at me with parted lips and wide eyes. I smiled –and to my relief, it no longer held the autonomy of what a business smile would feel like- and nodded my head. “Really, I’m fine now.”

I knew he looked at me and assessed me. Then finally, he returned my smile knowing that I could be trusted.

“Sempai, thank you.” I did not know how to voice my gratitude. “Thank you.”

“Dummy.” His hand felt cool against my cheek and I turned to press a kiss to his palm. This debt, I will repay with my entire life time.

Chitose returned to his exclusive that afternoon. I watched as he departed with his patron and knew that I once had Shinakio in my life, but now, Chitose was the only other person in my life.

It was the sudden temperature rise of my shower that jolted me awake. Flash forward and we are now back at where we started. Quickly I turned off the tap and stepped out of the bathroom. I wondered if I should go back downstairs to see how things were going. Akeno was my client after all, and I didn’t want to trouble Chitose with him.

But I could not deny the fact that Akeno had struck a rather sore point.

On my dresser, I saw the box that Sugimoto had brought over recently. I had not had the courage to open it up, and even now, I hesitated. My fingers traced the lid before I held my breath and popped it open. Inside stood all the things that were so familiar to me. His cell phone. His keys. His MP3 player. His glasses. His diary.

“Takumi.”

But it was a familiar voice that brought me out of my reverie. At the door way, Chitose stood looking at me. I looked at him and wondered if he will be the only constant in my life. So I smiled and shook my head. “It’s okay, I’m fine. There is no need to worry.”

“In that case, I suppose you don’t need me to comfort you anymore.”

“Sempai…”

That had become an inside joke between the two of us and I could only chuckle in light embarrassment of having ever used that phrase to begin with. His gaze dropped and looked at the opened box. I wanted to think that I saw relief in his eyes when he looked back at me again.

“Have a good night, Takumi.”

You too, sempai, you too.

For I had everything I needed with me this night.

To be continued...