Before You

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

Roth sat with Adam a while before coaxing him back to bed. He stretched out, pulling his lover down at his side and pillowing his head with his chest. Adam’s arm went over him and he seemed grateful for the closeness.

“If I had believed suicide would reunite us,” Roth began, stroking the other man’s silky hair, “I would have seen a dear friend in that needle.” He let some of the rawest pain return, wishing to remain honest. “I don’t believe in paved gold streets for harp-strumming souls. More inclined to think they recycle just as energy doesn’t die.”

“That all that stopped you?”

“No,” he admitted. “I couldn’t stand the idea of my family grieving.”

“Bradley was shot on a routine traffic stop almost a year before I quit the Bureau. Stephanie killed herself not long after. I had no one.”

The only other people close to Adam’s deceased father known to remain alive, had since expired. Roth filed those facts. It seemed telling.

“For about a year, I couldn’t even consider another person for sex. One day, I just did it. It felt so empty, like masturbating with someone’s body.” He lifted a lock of Adam’s hair, rubbing it over his lips. “Time caught me after about six or seven years. I started having affairs. They meant less than nothing.”

“I did it, too.” Adam turned his head a little and kissed Roth’s chest. “I couldn’t even see their faces. I wore a condom, refused risky behavior, and pretended they didn’t exist.”

Roth snugged him closer, protective instincts spiking. “I got to a point I knew I had to live. Although, I expected no more than establishing an adult, reliable sexual relationship.”

Adam rubbed his nose into Roth’s skin. “Did you find one?”

“Sure,” he replied, smiling. “My brother-in-law bought me a blowup doll for Christmas.”

Adam laughed, and then began to cry.

Roth expected another physical struggle.

Instead, his lover crawled atop him, erection rampant. “Fuck me. I need you in me.”

Seeing the desperation in his man’s expression, Roth steeled himself. “Baby, you don’t need fucked, you need loved.”

“You arrogant bastard,” Adam growled, “you service me like the stud you are. Don’t try making up my mind.”

His heart ached for the other man. “I won’t. The only human contact you’ve had in decades is with faceless lays. You’ve brought my heart back to life, and I value you too much.” Reversing their positions, Roth held Adam down and kissed him. Not to seduce. Not to impress. He kissed his lover to show him how he adored him. “I care too much.”

Adam averted his face. “Just shove that big cock in me.”

Roth pressed his nose to Adam’s cheek, then lifted his head to gaze down at his lover. “No.”

Adam began to sob. “Get away from me!” His respiration came in uneven hitches. “Can’t you see?” He struggled under Roth.

It required all his training and weight to restrain Adam. “I see you, baby.”

“Don’t! Fuck you!” Adam surged in rebellion. “Leave me!”

Roth broke. “I can’t.” Wrapping his arms tighter, he poured out, “I’m falling in love with you. Stay with me.” His lungs felt too full, and yet empty to function. “Stay with me. I want you close.”

Adam attempted to escape as violent weeping wracked his body. “I... can’t. One more loss will kill me. Can’t want. Can’t need.”

Roth kissed his forehead, temples, cheeks and chin. “Want me. Need me.”

“I hate you.”

“Look me in the eyes and tell me that,” Roth demanded. Adrenaline and hot emotion shot through him like lightning. He noticed how good the other man’s body felt under his even as his heart ached. “Open your fucking eyes and say it!”

Adam went limp. He slumped to the mattress, tears leaking from under his closed lids. “I can’t.”

Almost beyond compassion, Roth snarled, “Don’t ever say that again.” The fire in him ebbed. “Baby, please look at me.”

His lover’s eyes opened. “I don’t hate you, Roth. You scare me. You terrified me from the moment we met.”

Roth’s heart turned a flip in his chest. He rolled, pulling Adam on top. “We recognized each other. The deep wounds. Stay with me. Bring your things here. Let’s try.”

Adam twisted free, getting from the bed. “No.”

Investing his battered heart, Roth did not move from the bed. “Then, leave. I won’t return to the shelter. Your secrets will die with me.” His entire being rebelled at the thought.

Adam turned and walked from the bedroom. Roth watched, noting his lover remained naked. After perhaps twenty minutes, the other man walked back into the bedroom.

“Roth Garrett, you’re an arrogant prick with a God complex,” Adam said.

“My siblings say the same.” He flipped back the sheet and duvet. “Come back to bed.”

“Hold me.” Adam stretched out atop Roth. “I can’t work through everything tonight.”

At peace with the situation, Roth responded, “No hurry.”