Institutionalized

I sat on my side of the room sprawled across my cot-like bed with a notebook in my lap. I tried really hard to mind my own business but for some reason, whenever we’re alone together, I feel this obsessive need to sketch him. I don’t know why I feel that way, and I’m not sure what it means - if anything.

Even when I was long done the sketch I kept stealing glances at him, assuming he was too into whatever he was furiously writing to pay me any mind. Eventually those stolen glances turned into me staring blatantly at him, unable to stop thinking about whatever he might be thinking about. You know? Lucius was still an enigma to me.

It was weird to live with someone who you know nothing about. He seemed to keep to himself and I don’t know how he really felt about having a roommate. There were lots of things that I wanted to ask him, but I was too afraid that he’d have questions of his own for me. So, I’ve come to the point where I’m making assumptions about him based on the few things he has said to me and how he acts. And, I mean, I’m not one to usually make assumptions about people – considering that’s how most people treat me - but Lucius is different. Everyone makes him out to be this “crazy” guy, and I have to disagree. He is weird, there’s no denying that; but maybe the “crazy” is just an act – or like I’ve been saying all along, he’s over-medicated. And it’s not like they...

“So what do you think of group therapy anyways?” Lucius asked out of nowhere, not bothering to look up and causing me to lose my train of thought.

“Oh, uh, I thought we weren’t going to talk about that,” I finally said.

“No, we agreed not to talk about your brother,” he replied matter-of-factly while setting his notebook down and turning towards me.

“Oh, right,” I replied, frowning, “Then I guess group therapy was okay, although I was totally singled out. I didn’t really appreciate that.”

“Yeah, it’s always that way when someone new enters the group,” he said in mock-sympathy. “I think most new people are scared though, about being here because they don’t act the way you’re acting,” he finished while turning away from me. His hair fell around his face, obscuring his expression.

“I don’t know what you mean.”

“Just the way you are, you know, confidant. Most people in here don’t have a lot of confidence,” he explained.

This was all very surprising to me considering I’d never considered myself a confidant person. On the other hand I’m a pretty adaptable person which is maybe why I don’t feel so uncomfortable in a mental institution. Wait...that’s a load of shit too; it is uncomfortable being here. Maybe he’s just mistaking my could-care-less attitude for confidence?

“Just because I stand up for myself and speak my mind doesn’t mean I’m confident. I’ve just come to terms with whom and where I am,” I replied with a shrug.

“Well, I guess no one here has gotten to that point,” he snaps back sarcastically.

“So are you saying people resent me for it?”

“Maybe, I can’t say. We don’t even know why you’re here, so...”

“So what? Its no one’s fucking business anyways.”

“You’re getting pretty defensive,” he points out. He was still looking away from me as I narrowed my eyes at him.

“You know, maybe I don’t feel comfortable or confident discussing my mental health with strangers.”

“I’m a stranger?” he asks, looking at me with a slightly hurt expression.

“Well yeah, kind of. I know nothing about you; and you don’t really know much about me,” I replied.

“That’s real nice, you know? When we became roommates you said we’d be friends too,” he snapped back, all traces of hurtfulness being replaced by anger.

“Are you fucking kidding? I’d just been put in a mental institution, what’d you expect me to say? For all I knew you could have smothered me in my sleep.”

“That doesn’t sound like such a bad idea,” he remarked.

“Oh, get over yourself. I have a life you know, this is just like an intermission and I don’t want to get too comfortable.”

“Then why are you so friendly with Kat and Danny? What’s so much better about them than me?”

“Because I understand them. I’m usually good at reading people and I haven’t figured you out yet, which bothers me,” I explained honestly looking at him. But he wasn’t looking at me – he still looked angry or resentful or….see, I’m not sure. I can’t tell what he thinks of me, so in turn I don’t know what to think of him.

“So what about all the stuff you said in therapy?” he asked, finally glancing at me but now his expression was painfully neutral.

“Why, did you agree with what I was saying?”

“I don’t know, I...maybe we shouldn’t be talking about it,” he said in a rush while looking around paranoid.

“What? Look Lucius, this isn’t 1984 and big brother isn’t watching. They can’t do shit to you for talking about it,” I said incredulously. I couldn’t understand why he was suddenly so nervous.

“I don’t really know what to think anyways.”

“Well you know what I think, so...” I trailed off, leaving it in the air.

“It does seem like I take a lot of pills though...” He finally remarked in a small quiet voice. I set down my notebook which I’d started doodling in again, got up and moved across the room. I sat beside him on his bed which immediately caused him to shrink away from me. I ignored it.

“I’ve been thinking about it,” I began, “and if you are being overmedicated, why would they do that and for what reason? Okay, so there are a few reasons I’ve been thinking of, can you think of any reasons?”

“Uh...no.”

“Good. So first of all, the least likely option is that the doctors are idiots and really think that you need all that medication. Next would be that they don’t really know what to do with you so they keep you doped up all time. Also, they could be trying to test the reaction of a drug by using you as a human guinea pig, and then again...”

“Salem wait I don’t know if I agree with you. What you’re saying is sounding like some kind of a conspiracy or something...”

“It is! Your whole existence here is and has been a conspiracy!” I insisted. Wait…did I just say that? Maybe Don’s right about me being a conspiracist. I have always questioned the moon landing, JFK and 9/11...among other questionable American claims. Maybe I’m prone to assume that anything which appears out of place must be a conspiracy.

“You’re insane!” he exclaimed, looking at me like he believed his sentiment.

“What the hell? You just said you take a lot of pills.”

“So what? That doesn’t mean I’m some kind of test subject. How do you even get that in your head anyways?”

“I was just exploring the options; I know it’s unlikely but I was just theorizing anyways. I have other theories too. I can’t know for sure but I can question as much as I want.”

“Well keep it to yourself, you’re nuts.”

“I can’t believe you think I’m nuts for saying that. Trust me, you’ve said some way weirder shit than that to me,” I shot back, feeling slightly affronted. I stood from his bed and moved back across the room.

“You’re weird all the time, so what the difference?”

“What?! And you’re not?” I exclaimed.

“Not like you.”

“That’s really fucked you know.”

“Yeah, and so...”

“Excuse me, Salem. Don wants to see you – now,” Jackie’s voice initially startled me, causing me to turn to her with surprise written all over my face. She stood waiting for me, not saying anything else. I stood up and shot a look at Lucius before following her out of the room.

_________________________________________________________________________________________


“Do you know why I’ve called you here?” Don asked as soon as I’d sat down.

“No actually. I was under the impression that I’d be seeing you less from now on.”

“Don’t be smart. I want to discuss your first session of group therapy.”

“You’re kidding,” I replied sarcastically.

“I have good news for you, but you can forget it if you’re going to act like that.” He said it without looking at me; busy sorting through a massive pile of papers.

“I’ll behave,” I said plainly, feeling impatient as I watch him clean his glasses and mix sugar into his coffee.

“First we’re going to talk about group therapy, how’d you like it anyways?”

“I didn’t.”

“And why is that, Salem?”

“I just felt centered out...like the only kid in class who has to give a presentation.”

“That’s a new way of looking at it. What made you feel that way?” He asks while taking out his notebook and starting to jot down notes.

“Because Jackie made me into the center of attention and it didn’t seem like psychology or psychiatry at all. That’s the way it was.”

“I’m sorry that you felt uncomfortable, hopefully future meetings will be more relaxed for you. Anyways, I want to move on and talk about your responses to Lucius in group therapy.”

“What? You think it’s okay that Jackie made me feel uncomfortable?” I scoffed.

“It is okay. Everyone feels uncomfortable their first time in therapy.”

“How would you know?” I asked snidely.

“What’s your problem anyways? Why do you always act like such a prick when you come to my office? Or do you talk to everyone this way?” He asked simply as if he were merely chatting about the weather. I looked at him in surprise – he’d caught me totally off guard and I fumbled for a moment not knowing what to say.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” He looked momentarily disappointed about my anti-climatic response.

“Well, I think it’s obvious what I really want to talk about,” he said before pausing. I didn’t interject so he continued, “I’m concerned about what you’ve been telling Lucius and the other patients.”

“How-so?”

“Don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about. You could seriously hinder someone’s progress by putting ideas into their head; such as being misdiagnosed or over-medicated. The main reason for failure to recovery in this facility is attributed to a lack of faith in the doctors and other medical personnel and some of the other doctor’s have been expressing their concern about you to me.”

“What have they been saying?” I asked cautiously.

“They think I’m unable to handle my patient, which is you, and have been talking about assigning you a different doctor,” he said plainly.

“What; all that because I just happened to express my opinion?” I replied, alarmed. He nodded, looking at me seriously. “I’m not intending to sabotage you or anything….and now that I’ve thought about it maybe I am being irrational. I mean, even Lucius says he thinks that I’m nuts. I don’t know what to think about that but I haven’t been feeling like myself lately.”

He furrowed his brow at me before asking, “What do you mean?”

“I can’t describe. I feel like I’m acting differently, putting up a front or something. I feel defensive and unable to act the way I normally would around people. I feel like what I say is wrong, my gestures are off...I feel like I’m imitating myself but I can’t get it right.”

“That is a bizarre thing to say,” he remarked.

“Thanks, that makes me feel much better.”

“I’m sorry Salem; sometimes I’m just not ready for what you’re going to say. I think maybe you’re still just adjusting to your surroundings. At least I hope that’s all it is because the more you talk like that the more I reconsider my decision not to medicate you and I’m already under enough scrutiny from the other doctors because of it.”

“Why are you saying it as if I did something wrong?” I asked, starting to get pissed off.

“Just drop it for now, okay? We’re running out of time,” he scolded. I was starting to feel pretty affronted by his comments and somehow what he was saying was actually getting to me. I stood up angrily.

“What kind of a doctor are you? You haven’t said anything of value to me this entire time and I feel like...I don’t know...you’re bullying me or something. I feel really confused and…and lonely and far from home and all the things that make me, me. I feel like I’m freaking out in this place and your not doing anything to help me! I feel like...I don’t know! Frustrated, angry, scared, humiliated, abandoned, resentful, depressed...all these fucking emotions and I don’t know what to do about it!” I exploded. The more I carried on I could feel myself becoming increasingly upset and by the time I was done talking I was shaking slightly and feeling the undeniable yet foreign desire to cry.

Don looked at me concerned before standing as well, although it took a moment before he said anything and all that could be heard between us was my shaky breathing. “I...had no idea you felt that way,” he said finally in a soft neutral voice. “I don’t mean to hurt you Salem, but I can’t know how you feel unless you tell me.”

“I just miss my home...where my parents resent and ignore me and everyone else hates me. I was used to that...I was used to being that person,” I don’t know what was wrong with me but as I said that that my eyes began to water and no matter how hard I tried to blink them away, tears fell down my face. What the hell is my problem! I quickly wiped them away feeling mortified and shocked which reflected in my expression. Don looked just as shocked as I was and a frown flitted across his face.

“It’s okay, don’t be embarrassed. I’m glad you’re here now with me, I never imagined I’d see you upset like this...which goes to show how little I know about you.”

“Do I not have a right to be upset?” I yelled at him; tears leaking from my eyes. I tried to move away from him but he grabbed my arm and dragged me back and before I could struggle from his grip he’d wrapped his arms around me in an awkward hug. I struggled for a moment before giving up and loosely returning the hug while burying my face in his shoulder to cry...like a girl.

“I’m sorry if I upset you, I’m not trying to bully you I’m just stressed out about potentially getting fired and I shouldn’t have let my feelings interfere with our session,” he explained quietly before continuing. “I know how it is to be lonely too Salem, I don’t have any friends and few allies here and the only family I have left are in Florida. I understand what its like and we can talk about anything you want okay?”

“Yeah, okay,” I said as I pushed myself away from him after it started feeling too weird. “You’re starting to give me a boner,” I remarked and his eyes widened comically. “You wish! Just fucking with you,” I said with a laugh as I sat back down on the couch and tried to erase all previous memories of my emotional breakdown.

“Are you okay?” he asked cautiously ignoring my previous comment as he slowly sat down again.

“I’m fine. Don’t ever mention it again; and don’t ever hug me again,” I said coolly, although I was unable to meet his gaze…probably out of embarrassment.

“Whatever, it isn’t a big deal. I guess I’m obligated to tell you the good news now.”

“Oh yeah! What is it?” I asked excitedly.

“Well...I’ve gotten a visitor request for you. Someone wants to come in and see you.”

“What?! Really?! Who is it?” I was practically bouncing in my seat.

“Unfortunately I can’t tell you. This person still needs to be approved for visit by administration, and then they must be approved by me after a quick evaluation. For now it’s out of my hands but if all goes well you’ll probably get to see them within the next three days sometime,” he explained.

“I hope it’s not one of my parents,” I said under my breath, Don laughed at that and stood up.

“Well, my next patient is probably waiting and you should head back now.” I stood as well and turned around, inspecting my appearance in a mirror.

“Thanks Don,” I said while reaching to shake his hand, “and remember not to tell anyone how much of a sissy I am.”

“Okay, will do,” he said before leading me to the door. I didn’t look back as I left the room. I ignored two women (one presumably Don’s patient, and the other must have been a nurse) as I started following Austin back to my ward. I stayed quiet even though my mind was racing with possibilities.

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A/N:: Hi! Sorry for the long wait, I have no excuses. I'm not so sure about this chapter, it's different and I dont know what to think - whether I like it or not. Please let me know what you think, feedback (negative or positive) is always apprechiated and thanks to all those who have reviewed, you rock my world! Peace and much love!