Gender Dysphoria: How it Feels to Live a Lie

I apologize repeatedly for taking so long with updating. School is back on again and it has to be #1. However, I promise not to make y'all wait like that again. I'm typing the next chapter as we speak.

Warnings: Over half of this chapter is sex related, but I really doubt you guys will mind that.

Enjoy!


Chapter XIII


3 Months Later…


“Wow. You have a beautiful house, Marcus.” I said as I walked into his livingroom. “Very spacious and well decorated for a man.”

“Thank you. I…..wait a minute. What do you mean ‘for a man’?”

“Well, it’s missing a woman’s touch in here, is all.”

Marcus’ eyes widened and he chuckled. “I’ll have you know, I’ve gotten lots of complements on the décor of this house, thank you very much.”

“And I’m sure you have……..they were probably all men too.”

“What? What’s with the ‘man’s touch’ talk?”

Smiling, I walked back to him, wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him. “Nothing that can’t be fixed by me within a couple months time. Now why is this the first time I’ve seen your place in all the three months we’ve been talking and you’ve been to mine twice? Which by the way, you’re little promise you made me, didn’t come true.”

He laced his fingers together right above my ass. “Well, I had to be sure I could trust you. You know, make sure you weren’t some loony chick that likes to watch me through my window while I sleep. And what promise are you talking about?”

“You don’t remember that date we had together at the seafood restaurant and we saw that Lance Burton show? You walked me to my door and said the next time you’d say goodnight to me, you’d be saying it from under my sheets.”

Marcus laughed. “Oh yeah, I remember now. It was the truth.”

“It was not.”

“It was too. The next time we went out, you let me in your apartment and I said goodnight to you from under your bedsheets.”

“You passed out on my couch and you mumbled a ‘goodnight’ to me while I laid my spare bedsheets over you. Not what you really meant when you made that promise to me.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah. Smart ass.” I laughed.

“I’m going to check out the rest of your place.” I backed away from him and started down the hall. I opened door after door and peaked in each one. He had an office—he was an architect—den, two and a half bathrooms, two bedrooms, one master bedroom, and two cars and a ATV in the garage. It was definitely a place not to be ashamed of. When I came back inside the house from looking in the garage, I found Marcus lounging on his black leather couch—it was nice, but a bit on the hideous side—watching tv. I laid down next to him.

“You done being nosey?”

I smiled. “For now.”

“Good. Cause I feel like cuddling.” Marcus wrapped his arms around me and we kissed. His hands were all over my back, ass, and thighs. When he pulled away, he stood up, holding my hand. “Lets get relaxed in my room.”

“Wait. I need to use the bathroom first.”

Marcus frowned. “You’re not getting cold feet, are you?”

*Yes.* “No. it’s just that nature calls, you know?”

He smiled. “Oh okay. Well, hurry up. I’ll be waiting for you.” He walked down the hall and I made my way to the bathroom in the hallway. Shutting and locking the door behind me, I leaned against it trying to figure out how I was gonna get out of this. Marcus is just like any other warm blooded male, after a while he’s gonna want SOME type of play. I wanna give that to him, but how do I do that without spilling my T? And it’s still too soon for me to tell if he’s tranny friendly or not. Shit. I looked at my watch. It was five o’clock, I mind as well take my medicine while I had a moment to myself. It would’nt be guaranteed I’d have another chance.

I quietly opened the door and crept into the den to pick up my purse I left in the arm chair. When I walked back to the bathroom, I heard water going from the adjacent bathroom in the master bedroom. I had to smile at that. Marcus was prepping for me? I shut the door behind me and opened my bag. Pulling out my vial and syringe, I lifted up my pale yellow peasant skirt and injected it. But just as I was about to toss the items away, I heard a quick knock then the sound of the door opening. *Oh God, not again.* surprised, I dropped the vial and syringe on the bathroom floor.

“Gwen, I just wanted to see if you were……… oh sorry. I’ll get it.” He bent down to help me.

I kneeled down as well. “No, I’ve got it. You don’t need to….” I stopped when Marcus grabbed the vial and read it’s label: estrogen. I started to pant. All of a sudden, my heart began to race. My body started to shake. I couldn’t breathe. Large tears began to form in my eyes.

Before I had the displeasure of seeing Marcus look up at me with anger in eyes, I quickly snatched the vial from his hands, grabbed my syringe and purse, and ran past him towards the front door.

“Gwen!” I heard him call from behind me.

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry!” I cried, running down the hall. I could hear Marcus following not too far behind. I finally reached the large front door and pulled it open, but Marcus came up behind me quickly and slammed the door shut with one hand. “Please, just let me go! I’ll get out of your life! I won’t tell anyone about this, I swear!” tears rolled down my face. I couldn’t bring myself to look up at him. My eyes stayed fearfully downcast. “Please just let me go I……” he placed his hand over my mouth.

“Would you stop?! Calm down, Gwen. Breathe.” I tried to calm down, but it was no use. He was gonna beat me, right? “It’s alright baby. I already knew.” He saw the puzzled look on my face and continued. “Don’t get mad okay, but the last time I was over in your apartment’s bathroom looking for some eye-drops, I ran up on your case and I sort of put two and two together.” He slowly moved his hand away. “I don’t care what you are.”

“You don’t?” I whispered.

Marcus placed his large hands on my cheeks and wiped tears away with his thumbs. “No, baby. I’ll admit though, I was shocked when I first found out. I was really stunned. For a split second I thought that maybe we should call it quits or something. But then I said to myself, I care for you too much to let you go.”

“You knew? You knew, and yet today you still wanted to…….have sex with me?”

Marcus nodded with a smile. “I still do.” He leaned in and pecked me on the lips.

I couldn’t believe it! He was okay with it! He really cared enough for me to overlook the fact that I’m transgender. Only when I was finally calm enough to notice, did I see that Marcus was totally naked and slightly still damp from his shower.

“You lost your towel.” I whispered against his lips. He smiled.

“Yeah, I dropped it somewhere when I chased you.” He kissed me again, this time adding more passion into it, and I wrapped my arms and legs around him when he lifted me up with ease around his nude waist. He carried me to his bedroom. “Just two things I wanna tell you. First, I may look like I’m in shape, but I overlook the treadmill at the gym for a reason. Don’t make me have to chase you like that again. I’m tired. Your little ass is too damn quick.”

I smiled against his strong neck. “I’m sorry. I wont make you have to do that again.”

“Good. And second, we’re gonna cut back on our dates at the restaurant. You may not look it, but you’re getting heavy.”

Laughing, I hit his shoulder. “Don’t complain cause you aint strong enough to carry a woman.”

“Not strong enough? I’ll show YOU how strong I am.” Quickly, Marcus lifted me further up so I was bent half over his shoulder. Now hysterical with laughter, I smacked his bare ass with a loud ‘smack’ as he continued walking to his bedroom. The room itself was rather blah if you ask me. White walls, brown arm chair sitting in the corner, a closet, a nightstand, and a very plain looking queen size bed with crisp white sheets. He definitely needs my help with making a home more ‘warm and cozy’ instead of just a place to ‘crash’. He set me down on the edge of the bed then stood before me in all his deliciously naked glory. You could tell he wasn’t bashful about his body and I wasn’t bashful about looking at his body—large pecs, rippling abs, broad shoulders, strong legs, and a very cute butt. However, my attention was drawn down to his impressive dick and noticed he was half hard. I was itching to get my hands on it and just stroke it. I was on the verge to do so, but Marcus had waved a hand in front of my face.

“You know, its rude to stare……even if it IS directed at BJ.”

That comment pulled me out of my little reverie. “What did you just say? Did you just refer to your penis as BJ?”

“Yeah.”

“You name your penis?”

“What? All men do it.”

I rolled my eyes. “Ooooookay. And what, pray tell, does BJ stand for?”

“Big Jimmy.” I laughed. I couldn’t help it. Marcus folded his arms across his chest. “What are you laughing for? You see it. Am I lying?”

“No. No, you’re not lying. You mind if I touch BJ?” Wordlessly, Marcus took a few steps towards me and I reached a hand towards the half erect phallus. “Mmm. Feels nice.” I said as I gave it a few slow strokes. Marcus groaned then gasped when I licked a trail from base to tip, like it was the best ice-cream cone I’d ever tasted.

“Oooooh shit.” He whispered once I started a small sucking action on the head. When I started to go deeper, Marcus gently gathered my hair and held it out of my face as I sped up my pace, making all kinds of vulgar noises. I’d go down, swallow around him, come back up and run my tongue over the slit at the tip. “That feels so good, baby.” I wont lie, I was pretty damn good at giving head. I know, that’s not exactly a justifiable talent to have, but when being in a profession that required you to do things like this and more, you’re bound to become an expert at it.

And so, because I knew I could do it—I realized a long time ago I have no gag reflexes—I went all the way down on Marcus. I didn’t move when I reached his base. I just sat there, moving slightly as I fondled his balls, swallowing on occasion, and letting the warmth of my mouth send him into another dimension.

“Oh fuck!” I pulled all the way back with a ‘pop’ noise, then did it again, sliding all the way to the base. Marcus pulled back.

“Shit, girl. You need to stop. You’re gonna make me come too soon. And this is not all I want us to do today.”

“Then what do you want to do?”

I saw a smirk form on Marcus’ mouth. “Lie back.” I complied, stretching out on my back. He crawled overtop of me and leaned in for a passionate kiss. I felt his large hand snake up under my top and squeezed my chest. I placed my hand over his, moaning into his mouth. Soon, my shirt came completely off in an instant and Marcus pulled the cup to my black lace bra down, revealing my breast. I instinctively arched my back and gasped when he placed his mouth on it, suckling, licking, and nibbling, giving Marcus the opportunity to easily reach under me and unhook the confining bra. “Mmm. I sure don’t feel any silicon…”

“And you wont either. That’s all me, hon.”

Marcus chuckled. “I kinda figured that, cause you taste too delicious not to be real.” He bent down again to suck on my breast. I closed my eyes and grabbed his head. Boy, that felt SO good. I’d never had anyone touch me like this since…..well probably no one. I could say since Peter, but even then it was more of a one-time thing. We harbored no real feelings towards each other when we had sex. We just did it cause we were horny and it felt good. There have been men since my transition who wanted to touch me, but they were just ‘johns’. They did it only to further getting themselves off. THIS was new to me. I’d never been touched with this much gentleness and feeling before.

I mean could it get anymore perfect than this? After achieving-almost-my dream of being a woman, I’m finally going to make love tonight to a gorgeous, funny, and romantic man who treated me like a princess, and who just so happens to know my T and be totally okay with it. I don’t think I’d ever be able to let him go.

So wrapped up in emotions, I almost didn’t notice Marcus unzipping my yellow skirt and pulling it and my underwear down my legs. But out of pure reflex, I grabbed his wrist to stop him before he could. “Marcus wait. I….” slowly, he pulled my hand away from his wrist then pinned both my own wrists above my head with his one hand.

“I want to see you, Gwen. All of you. Will you let me?” not knowing what to say, I just nodded. “Okay. Don’t move your arms.” Kissing a trail from my lips, to my neck, between my breasts, down to my stomach, Marcus placed his hands back around the waistband of my skirt and underwear and pulled both items completely off.

Somewhere during that, my eyes closed. I knew that Marcus said he was okay with me being transgender, but I still couldn’t shake my nervousness of finally revealing my genitalia to someone I cared about. I was afraid of seeing that initial reaction on Marcus’ face at glimpsing at a woman’s penis. For those of you who are wondering—and I know there are—about my below the belt status, well don’t get your hopes up. I’m not pitiful, but neither am I impressive. Which in the end, it really didn’t matter to me anyway, since I wasn’t planning on keeping it.

It was still for a moment and quiet. My eyes still closed, I wondered what was going through Marcus’ mind. Was he okay with it? Was he repulsed? Did he think he was okay with it at the beginning but soon realized he couldn’t handle this? I wondered but soon got my answer when I felt the touch of lips kissing my gentalia. Shocked, I jumped with a gasp. My eyes wide open now, I gazed down at Marcus as he held my hips down staring at my phallus.

“Not bad, Gwen.” he said referring to my ‘size’. He looked up at me and smiled. “I’d say you’re packing heat.”

I smirked a little. “Oh shut up.”

Climbing back on top of me, I opened my legs for Marcus to fit inbetween them. And there we laid, naked, together in each other’s arms. His dick was rock solid and pressing himself up against mine, he started to rock into me, making this magnificent friction that drove me up the wall. While he kissed my neck—I could feel him trying to make a hickey—I moved my hands down his strong back to the curve of his firm ass and pressed him closer in to me.

He lifted up his head slightly and smiled at me. “Eager little beaver, aren’t you?”

“You have no idea.” I whispered.

“Well, lucky for you, I cant wait either.” He reached to his nightstand and pulled out a bottle of lotion. “This will have to do. Which it really isn’t that bad. When I bought it, I had no idea it would be such a greasy brand of lotion, but it serves a good purpose for sexual situations.”

I cocked an eyebrow. “Just how many sexual situations are you talking, Marcus?”

“Only a few. I can count them on one hand.”

“And who were they with?”

“Why you wanna know? You gonna beat the girls or something?”

“I might.”

Marcus laughed. “Such a firecracker. I like that shit. Open your legs.” I opened my legs and he swirled a lubricated finger around my opening. I sighed before I knew it. “Feels nice?” he whispered.

“Mm hm.”

“Good. Let me know if I’m hurting you, okay?” I nodded when he slipped a finger inside me and began to pump it in and out. By the time he had three in me, I was lifting my waist on and off the bed, panting, practically begging for him to fuck me. Seeing me so hot and bothered I guess struck a nerve in him, cause Marcus suddenly pulled his fingers out and greased up his prick, stroking it strongly. Then he reached back into his nightstand and pulled out a condom to open it. However, his eagerness got the best of him and he had a tough time getting it open…..that and I lifted up kissing him all over his chest. Apparently the condom was stuck inside the wrapper and Marcus ripped it trying to pull it out. “Damn.” He whispered. Tossing it to the side, he reached back and grabbed another one. This time, I sat and watched as he pulled this one out, but had trouble putting it on.

“Slow down, Marcus……..Marcus slow down or you’ll….”

POP!

“Ow! Shit!” the condom snapped, breaking while it was half on. I winced. I knew that had to hurt.

“Let me do it.” Marcus searched the nightstand again and grabbed the third and last condom. I opened the wrapper, pulled out the condom, placed it on the head and began to roll it down…….and somehow—luck was just not on our side—a hole popped into it while I was putting it on. “This one’s broke too.”

Marcus sighed. “Fuck! I cant believe this shit.”

“Just get another one.”

“I cant. That one was the last one.”

“Oh.”

We stretched back out on the bed. “But that’s cool though, right. We can still do this, cant we?”

“Uuuum…..no.”

“Come on. Just a little bit. I wont even go all the way in.”

“You know the rules, Marcus. No glove, no love.” Marcus started to pout.

I grabbed the sides of his face and kissed him. “It’s okay, baby. We don’t have to go that far today. We can do something else.”

“Like what?” I reached for the lotion and squeezed a portion out, rubbing more on Marcus’ erection and putting some on my own. Then grabbing him by his ass, pressed our groins together.

Marcus set up a steady pace, rocking his hips into me. It felt so good. I’d been aching for some good sex for a long time. I rose my hips to meet his as he kissed on my collarbone and palmed my thigh. I couldn’t stop moaning.

“You like that?” Marcus whispered in my ear.

“Yes. Fuck me harder.”

When I felt his thrusts strengthen, creating this amazing and hot friction between us, I felt myself losing control.

“Oh God, yeah!”

I held my grip on his ass and pressed him even further—if that was possible—into me. I swear if we DID have condoms, I would have pushed him odd and gotten on my hands and knees by now. Perspiration rolled off our bodies after reaching one hour of sex. It wasn’t just any kind of sex with any random person, you know? We carried genuine feelings for each other, and our “conference” was nothing short of meaningful, but we were practically fucking like animals. And with the lack of ‘real’ sex I’ve had these past few years, simple love-making wouldn’t have done it for me. I NEEDED this.

I could hear Marcus groaning and I knew he was getting close. I was on the brink myself. I started to feel this uncontrollable tightening in my stomach muscles and my thighs squeezed around Marcus’ waist. My breaths became even shorter and I couldn’t tell whether I wanted to pant or moan. Any sounds soon ceased to exist. And then it hit me. It was a wave of white light that just washed over me and for a moment I thought I went blind. My body started to shake. Letting out a scream I didn’t hear but know I made, my neck arched and I closed my eyes, allowing my orgasm to pass. Afterwards, I could’ve sworn I’d saw fireworks.

Opening my eyes, I saw Marcus lying on top of me. Obviously, he came some time during my own. Neither one of us spoke a word after that. We couldn’t, we were too damn tired. Only the sounds of our heavy breathing filled the air. I kissed his shoulder and rubbed the back of his head, until Marcus finally had enough strength to roll unto his back. Grabbing my arm, he pulled me over to lie next to him. And I did, wrapping an arm around his waist and resting my head on his chest, we both slept a while until that afternoon, when we got up to take a shower together. After the shower, we made a quick trip to the drugstore to buy a pack of Trojans and by that night, once we finished eating, we did it again…..the real deal this time. How to explain it……..well, one word:

glorious.



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