Edge Of Nowhere, Half Past Never

 

13 Broken Dreams

 

It was dark. Couldn’t see damn thing. For the best. I was wretched, cursed thing. I didn’t want to see myself and no one should see me. Ugly should stay hidden.

“Raise your ass,” stern voice commanded. Did as told, only to get kicked. “Higher.”

I knew better than fight it or even react to it. Something cold and slippery touched my backside and was swiftly stuffed right in. My body shook as I drowned in disgust and pain. Even when I expect something like this… sometimes it still catches me by surprise. Without really meaning to, forced the slimy object out.

“You shouldn’t have done that,” was Tattooed Jock disappointed? Or did I hear glint of amusement? I couldn’t tell. No matter what I did, result was always a punishment anyway.

Why was I back here, anyway? For just a second it seemed like I managed to escape the pit of dark despair already. Did I fall asleep? Stupid brain, it will do you no good to conjure up an escape. It will never happen. You’re just making this worse, dangling that hope right in front of my face. Can’t reach it, my head is held too deep down in this pool of misery.

He tugged me back in position. Contrast with the previous toy was horrendous. Rough and oversized. Cylinder was violently forced into me. I gasped in pain and cringed. “Keep still,” he commanded again. I tried to. There was nothing more I wanted to do here but obey and minimise the damage. I caught my breath only to lose it all again in excruciatingly complete exhale. Turns out, not all of it was in. Man yanked back and pushed it in even further. Covered head with the hands, doing my best to bear the abuse and not scream. That would only turn him on more. But then again… If I don’t provide whatever he’s after, Abuser will turn it up a notch on his own. No way out. There never was.

“You always go easy on him,” the sidekick complained from rack above. He was waiting for enforcer to be done. Or just stalking his chance to play, which was worse. At least my main tormentor knew what he was doing. After ten minutes with Puppy I was hurt and exhausted worse than after hour with Tattoos. That childish ignorance of his own strength and egotistical cruelty… I loathed the airhead. Perhaps more than the deviant. By now I knew the latter was going easy on me, holding back his frustrations… Unlike tons of his friends, whom he’d invite over often for no apparent reason. “Punish him properly. Like you do with others.”

“In time. I don’t want to break him,” Handler said.

“Why would you care? You’ll soon be gone anyway.”

“I enjoy training and seeing the impact it leaves on people.”

“Fucking old man. Who has time for all that crap?”

“You wouldn’t understand, Custom-made. I had years and years to polish this hobby.”

“Yeah, and I don’t want to. I live here and now. If it was up to me, I’d just fuck him up as I feel like it.”

“Been there done that. And you better quit that lifestyle. You know who else is reckless around here. And how that always ends.”

“Well, because he’s stupid.”

Jock snorted and didn’t comment. So he thought Puppy wasn’t too bright either. How unexpected. Man stopped violating me with a stick and nudged me off the bed. “Walk,” he demanded. Tone was completely different than that of his casual conversation, making me feel less than what I was. I wasn’t even a person to him. Disgust with myself grew. Truly. There was nothing too admirable about this powerless wretch.

I got up and made few very uncomfortable steps. “What the fuck are you doing?” Man asked, kicking me on the back of the knees. I fell. “Walk as you are, animal.” Grit my teeth. This wasn’t even an insult yet. Shut my eyes tight. Did as told.

“How does it feel?” Torturer asked.

“Great. Sir. Thank you.” Sometimes I wanted to turn off my consciousness. Autopilot would be great.

“Tell me how you feel.” The frost in the repeated sentence was a threat. What did I do wrong this time?! How the hell did he want me to react? It was impossible to read that man correctly. Probably he was just messing with me and there was no right answer… “Don’t stop,” he commanded. I was on the main pathway now. I didn’t want to reveal myself. More people were in the sleeping hall. Unavoidable is going to happen.

“It feels like I’m being fucked with every move I make,” I spat out. “Sir.” His unnecessarily sensual hands did more than just stick the toy in. Sadly. Massaging touches have made me half hard before. This additional self-inflicted stimulation, after I got adjusted to it, was working on the other half.

“So tell me more about your Master,” Tattoos got back to his casual chat while he plunged me in depths of humiliation on the side.

“Her? Oh, she’s amazing! And I’m not just saying that. I would have fallen for her even without the brainwash.”

“Classic brainwash.”

“No, come on! I’ve seen other clients. They’re revolting. She’s beautiful! And I’m her very first personal slave, which means Mistress will always favour me the most.”

“What’s she, trophy wife? You’re so gonna end up so forgotten, Pup.”

“Screw you! And she’s daughter of… someone important over there.”

“Young, distinguished and all yours? You bastard.”

“Heh. Told you.”

Fucking custom-made. That kind of ownership didn’t seem as horrible as I imagined it to be.

“That’s fine, she will eventually become a trophy wife anyway. And you’ll still be tossed aside for a pair of diamond earrings after she reels in somebody prominent instead.”

“Stop shitting on my parade, old fart. I will do everything to outshine all the rest,” Slave Boy was serious. Even the dangerous Longing vibe came up. He’ll do anything to remain at the centre of her affections.

“I’m actually more worried about her. Rabid beasts like us aren’t meant for cuddling. Damn misleading features. They should have gotten her a Fanatic or something.”

“Hey! Shut up. I’m perfect for her.”



“Well, you – maybe. Sometimes I wonder if you’re Longing at all.”

Hated those friendly chats that always followed me around, but never included my presence. I was sick of being transparent and yet not transparent enough. At this pace I will never have anyone who’d even look at me without puking their insides. That’s not how I’d like them to spill their gut, in any case.

“Why did you stop?” Stern voice asked of me.

Now I was being treated like an idiot. Sighed, stated the obvious, “There’s nowhere to go. Sir.” Unless he wanted me to turn back, but he didn’t order so. Wonder, when the beating is going to start?

“There is, isn’t there? Go through the door.”

I shivered. The main hall? It was day period. Everyone would be out there. “No,” I whispered.

“Come again?”

“Don’t make me do this,” pleaded. Man strolled towards small shrunken ball on the floor. He stomped on my back with all he had for forgetting the honorific.

“Doormat, go get the guys,” Trainer asked and I knew what was coming along with them. Lazy sidekick sighed, complained and was in no particular hurry yet.

“Please, no, sir!” I grabbed his foot and held firmly onto it. As if that would have stopped anything.

“No, what?” He shook off my filthy touch and kicked again. I crouched up even more.

“Don’t give me to them again, master. Not again.”

“Walk through the door, then.”

Shook my head. The outcome will be the same. Plus, in the public. Where everyone will see me. Powerlessness strangled me and for a while I thought I’ll lose consciousness. It was never so easy, though. It seemed like developing panic attacks was the only thing I could do to resist. Couldn’t even do that. If I was wishing for the impossible, how about a stroke, then?

“That dumbass will never learn, will he?” Puppy neared in and hung onto his friend, clumsily embracing him.

Beastmaster shook him off and nudged towards the doors, “Enough already, just go get them.” He squatted down, then. “Your choice. Last chance.” Both were so revolting I couldn’t even flinch. I refused to agree to either. It will be whatever he wants, anyway.

Man grabbed me by the neck and effortlessly yanked upwards. Why was he this strong? Why was I just like a rag doll to them all? Dragged me towards the doors couple more steps and whacked the button to open them. Light hurt my eyes. “No, no, no no no not there. Please,” I began my usual inarticulate prayer.

I jumped up. My hands went for the neck instantly. No one else was holding onto it. Yet, I felt that suffocatingly strong one-handed grip. Shivered. Then shivered some more. I was still surrounded by the darkness, but this one was the full night shade. At least hours passed since then. Extended my arms to the sides. Ah. I was locked up again. What happened, did I pass out in the end? Thank Darkness.

Someone murmured in their sleep right beside me, pulling me towards them by the hip. This iron possessiveness… Couldn’t be him, could it? Not that Dignity Vampire…

“Sleep already,” someone complained angrily. The high pitched annoyed tone was certainly not that person’s.

At last I got grounded. Reality unveiled itself to my foggy mind. Can’t believe I was still trapped in the dream even after waking up. I was just sitting there for a while, sorting things out. Pitch darkness didn’t help in the least. It has been awhile since I had such an intense flashback. In the dream it felt like it was reality, and that all these weeks been only a dream. Shiver ran down my body again. What if I’m dreaming now? Couldn’t tell which was real whist experiencing them.

Shit. No wonder the recollection was so vivid. After all the crap these assholes made me witness today. Due to the drugs I thankfully didn’t recall all that much. But… Whatever I did, was still unbearable. I do know I skinned that guy with a careful guidance. It was him or me, and I was no Benevolent. Felt sick. Wonder if hangover had anything to do with it?

Laid down again, next to the kid. Couldn’t stop shivering. Revolting feelings in my gut kept me wide awake. Eventually, shook brat by the shoulder, trying to wake him up. He nuzzled closer in, disregarding my attempts. “Hey, wake up already,” I tried again. No result, some growling aside. What was I trying to do here anyway? Seek comfort from the prick who pushed me into it in first place? It was a major feat to shake him awake in first place.

But… it felt so empty. Dark. Scary.

“Get up, I need you,” whispered, gripping tightly onto his shirt. Got answered by silence. Even if he wasn’t such a sandman, kid was too plastered. Kissed him, seeking warmth. Nothing, just my gut clenched even tighter. Hey – at least there was that heavily constraining grip around my waist. Even if it reminded me that I was only a prisoner of my own life, it still meant something. It was reassuring in its own right. Whilst I had someone to grip me tightly in their arms, I was safe. At least for the duration. It was true back then and even now.

Every time I’d close my eyes and start to relax I’d see some memory of mine. That would instantly drive all drowsiness away. I was back to old routine. Unable to sleep at night anymore. Whatever. I’ll rest during day in the hall.

Turning from side to side and excess of boredom made me rediscover something I’d forgotten. So that uncomfortable bump under my neck was this. Satchel given to me by Dreamy Lollipop. Opened it up and dull marble of light rolled out. It was really a sorry excuse for a glimmer. I should have treated it better. Given it more light to absorb. And yet, found myself smiling. Can’t believe this useless cinder would brighten up situation so much. It was still dark as hell, but my tortured eyes had a goal to concentrate on. At least I wasn’t seeing their faces with my eyes open anymore.  

Around midday kiddo managed to roll out of the bunk. He’s done it quietly, trying to avoid waking me up. “Ghh, you’re really a light sleeper,” midget grumbled after noticing my watchful gaze. His own eyes were still mostly shut, probably signalling a decent hangover.

“I wasn’t asleep anymore,” I don’t believe I fell asleep after that at all.

“You’re impossible. Why can’t you just sleep like a normal person?” Really. Why can’t I? Brat was up only to get some water and wanted to crash again. I had none of it.

The rest were still out cold. We were the first in our corner. After yesterday Perfect Score went to his room and I bet Masochist followed him. Discarded Product must have been in one of the bunks near ours. From what I hear teams stuck together. For emergencies. I didn’t want to know more on the subject. Mophead joined us in just a minute. Hell knows where he sleeps or loiters all the time. By the looks of it, with the militaristic group.

“Where did you go yesterday? Why don’t you ever take me with you?!” He was angry. Frown on his forehead and pouting. Looked quite comical. Couldn’t imagine standard Longing pulling this expression.

“You’re too young for that,” brat was annoyed. Probably a repeated discussion.

“I’m as old as you are!” Yes. Definitely a starter of very old and sore argument.

“Shut up, brat. Go bother someone else.” Kiddo was unusually snippy today. There was a vein popping on his temple that said massive headache.

“You’re the only brat here!”

Well that provoked a deathglare. “Mane, hit him.” I raised an eyebrow in response to that. “I don’t care, just shut him up.” Brat rubbed his temple. “Dark dammit, why did I bother getting up? It’s your fault.”

“It wasn’t anything fun. Just be thankful you weren’t there.” The expression on my face said I sure wish I wasn’t there. Sloppy Blank picked up on that and dropped the subject. The other brat noticed it too.

“Wuss,” he was silent, but I still heard. Clenched my fists.

“Fuck you,” I said getting up. Turns out I was just a little short-tempered myself this morning.

He grabbed my wrist with unbelievable pressure and said, “Yes. Fuck me.” There was a sudden tension I didn’t expect. Certainly not from him. Am I finally getting beat down by this guy too? I kept forgetting I need to be wary of my little protector. That undersized Longing was only playing a sheep.

Brat let go as suddenly as he grabbed me. Looked like he was sorry but it was too late. Saw him for what he was, and that I was in no way on same level as him. Headache was at fault, but the truth was truth. Stuffed hands to the pockets and went to get my food. I should start preparing for time when he’ll get bored of me. 

The couch by the dispensers was occupied by an unlikely couple. Was seeing them together more and more past few days. Didn’t say anything to them, but everybody’s big bro saw me staring and waved me an energetic hello. Contemplated joining them, but gave up the brilliant idea. No one in their right mind would disturb couple made in heavens when they were finally together. Laid down on the different set of couches and closed my eyes in hope to rest.

“So I’ve read that article you mentioned before. It is very insightful! Never thought about structures that way,” peacepreacher’s  voice overflowed with happiness.

“Ah? What now?” Silent Apparition sounded like he wasn’t listening.

“The one…”

“I don’t care,” man with fringe covering his eyes shot him down. I wouldn’t have minded to hear the rest, though. Structures… So he was interested in engineering, I guess? Should have known. Me, not Benevolent. Sighed. So they talked about things. Recluse rarely shared anything with me. “Stop listening to me think out loud, Sycophant. It’s annoying.”

He was happily ignored, “I’ve found similar texts about it. Wanna see?” I envied the ability to be so forward and relentlessly optimistic. The plastic clack sounded like library’s visors were handed over. Then something flew over me and hit the faraway wall. The imperturbable bastard casually flung it to the other side of the room.

“Boring,” Solitude stated.

“Ah. Sorry. It was a while ago. You must have read them already.”

Loner stood up, annoyed, “Quit randomly assuming I’m into things. Don’t need you for that.” He left. I was sure as fuck his caretaker was happy. That optimistically deranged head could only hear what he wanted to hear. That he was needed for something, after all. Maybe that was what Ghost said, anyway? What do I know?

On the same note… What was I needed for? I wanted to hear him put meaning in my life. Even if it was a lie like that. Longings. We weren’t all that different…

I got up after cooling off. The corner was packed by then. Walked up to them and nodded Scarecrow an invite towards the washroom. Smartassery flooded the room. Don’t care. Not after yesterday. If it takes someone holding my hand while I take piss, so be it.

“You did great, considering you hated every single moment of it,” Deathly commented while we walked through the sleeping quarters.

So everybody knew. “Fuck off,” I barked.

“Not everybody. Takes a moment to consider how fresh your memories are. And don’t worry. You’ll get used to it,” Scarecrow promised.

Glared at him in the dark.

“You will either way. That’s what we are. That is why it’s so hard to understand you hating torture.”

“If you fuckers wanted me to enjoy that shit, you shouldn’t have left me for dead to experience it first-hand from the other side,” I hissed angrily. Scarecrow grinned with his wide grotesque expression. That was a sissy line I should have kept to myself.

“I thought you’re not gonna talk to me anymore,” he sounded victorious for some reason. It’s true, I tried to keep my distance with him. Brat’s warnings, Elite’s threats… personal experience.

“What’s the point? You’re reading my mind anyway.”

He snorted, “Just guessing. You’re so beautifully transparent. Oh, worry not. Others don’t see the half I do.” That’s master gambler for you. Sighed, completely defeated. “Oh, and Lonesome Pipsqueak is sorry for whatever he’s done. Quit being stubborn. He misses his huggy pillow.”

He should have stuck to his harmless act, then. “Is the brat like that because of me?” I asked.

“Like what? Oh. Nah, he’s just like that. Gets people to let their guard down and abuses the hell out of it. Make no mistake, under all the fluffiness he is still a Longing. That doesn’t make him any worse than the next guy, though,” Scarecrow answered, finally turning back to me. Something else has caught his attention.

Saw Solitude diving behind the corner. Poor thing. He was still trying to meet up. It’s useless, give that up already. Scarecrow forgotten everything about our chat, called out to him, “How convenient. Hoy, boyfriend. Drag your ass over here. He wants to break up with you. And… I got to meet somebody.” Ghost reluctantly emerged from his cover. Anorexia resumed, “Two minutes. Anything happens to the princess, it’s on you.” 

Deathly hurried out. He didn’t owe me anything to do this… Gloom visited my face. In fact, now I owed him. Sneaky scorched son of a… Seemed like he actually stalked a chance to ditch me and bail for a bit, though. Maybe this won’t come back to haunt me.

“You told him about us,” Solitude accused me dispassionately as I reclined on the sink. Popped a few eyedrops in. Should I be angry that he was pulling the old distrust? Smirked. No. He was completely in the right this time. I didn’t need his trust anymore, either. No need to lose temper over it now.

“I didn’t. He just knows things.”

“He knows awfully lot,” Solitude was bitter. I knew what was below that statement. Suspicion. Maybe some ugly jealousy. I didn’t feel obliged to answer it. We stared at each other. Two minutes. It seemed I wanted to talk to him so many times about so many things. Now that I finally looked into his passive eyes nothing seemed important anymore. Actually, I could barely find anything to tell him at all… Something was different now.

“What did he mean by break up?” Fragile man asked eventually. It was one of the topics that occasionally circled in my mind. Wonder how Scarecrow knew? Common sense, probably.

Stuffed hands into the pockets. Shrugged, “Just that.” Expression crept onto his face. Worry. Questions. “I don’t need you anymore,” I clarified. Closed my eyes and drifted away. Eyedrops were so refreshing. I was just a little hungover after yesterday too, after all. They helped to clear my mind tremendously. Exactly what I needed for this moment. Ah. Right. This moment. Almost forgot. Opened my eyes again. The person before me had shock on his face. What the hell did he expect, after all that happened? That we’d still be holding hands and sneak off every now and then? So stupid.

Solitude finally opened his mouth, “Why?”

“Why? Figure it out, moron. I’m surprised you’re here at all.” I wasn’t going to blame him, but I was adamant about not repeating my mistakes. It was nearly a miracle I came out unscratched from that giant mess.

Man stated instinctively, “You’re scared.”

I gasped in surprise and immediately my lips tensed up. “Motherfucking genius. Of course I am! You’re not? If you saw…” My mind trailed off and I fell silent.

“I am. I’m scared for you.”

I scoffed, “Don’t. I’ve got people to watch my back now.”

“They… He’ll discard you without second thought.” I won’t, I heard a promise with my mind’s ear. So don’t discard me, fearful eyes begged.

“He sure will if you don’t stop pestering me,” I laughed at his fleeting weightless promise.  

Solitude shook head, staring at his feet. It finally dawned upon him that I wasn’t joking, although man still hoped for me to say otherwise. He whispered not looking me in the eyes anymore, “That’s not even why I came… I fully understand the implications. I just wanted to know you’re okay.”

“Stop worrying. It’s not your problem anymore. Never was.”

My complete rejection provoked even more confusion, “What the hell happened to you?”

What a dull question. I barely managed to bring myself to answer. “I grew up,” I said.

“You changed.” Now that line outright infuriated me. There was nothing different about me. I was always me. I merely opened my eyes.

“Looks like you didn’t know me that well, then,” I growled in low voice. I came closer to him with intention to strike and Solitary shrunk in size. Silent Fiend backed away sensing my hostility. Was it fear? It was. Not a sign of his usual softness towards me. There was not a drop of my usual tenderness towards him, either. Is it going to be this easy? Hadn’t expected that.

Although the memory of him beside me was still clear, it did not instil any need to caress that soft skin anymore, either. Well, I lied. Different sort of emotions visited me. The memories aroused lust. As I stepped closer in to act on it, Solitude retreated even further, eyes wide with horror.

“You became broken like them.”

His silent statement managed to cut in even deeper. But, when I thought of it, I was glad I was on the right track at last. “Good.”

“My light,” Solitude looked at me gently, trying for the last time to stir something up again. It didn’t work. The disappointment on his face told me all I wanted to know. He knew it was a done deal. Yet, he couldn’t help but kamikaze into this wall. “Don’t leave me alone in the dark,” man so unusually sensual pleaded.

“You’re not alone,” I reminded abruptly. “It’s time you grew up too. Satisfy that master’s fetish with your stalker. Everyone’s problems will be solved.” Indeed. At least five people will find reprieve with that solution. Solitude’s expression turned sour. I did purposely aimed at a weak spot he himself revealed to me. Used it against him. And it felt good.

“… Tis the last time I do a favour for you,” door opened up and malnourished carcass stepped through, staring over his shoulder.

“No, it’s not,” somebody managed to squeeze in in an amused tone before sound vacuum separated the two rooms again. Who’s he been making favours for? What does it matter, at the end of the day that’ll only be used against the recipient. That’s the feeling I got looking at those self-satisfied sunken in cheeks. No matter what, I could not muster even a shard of trust when it concerned that guy. His eyes fixed on mine the second I thought that and he grinned. Bastard knew exactly what’s on my mind. Again. Why on earth did I hang out with him?.. Felt exhausted merely being in the same room.

“Everything sorted out with the virgin?”

I glared at him sideways, uttering, “How did you know?”

Scarecrow replied as if expecting to hear nothing less, “Question is, how did you find out?” Was that a threat? Nasty grin. Wanted to beat it off his face. “You see, it all started out with Generosity begging everyone to leave him alone. Most did. For his sake. We sort of wanted to hope a Longing could be normal. And have a healthy relationship. At least one of us… The others backed off due to the bet, stakes of which grew enormous by now.” Sickly thin man crocodile-grinned again and gave me a moment to catch up. There was only one kind of bet I could think of at this time. When, with whom. And what was the reason no one dared to break off or hasten this stupid game? There must have been one.

I felt like being thrown under the bus again. Almost heard the lynchmob coming for me. Grabbed the fragile creature of bones by the neck and launched him at the wall. Pugugly loved it. Even when his face turned bright red, he didn’t take orgasmic eyes off me. For some stupid reason, I felt like fainting instead. Looks like I just wasn’t made for violence. Scarecrow tapped on my wrists asking to let go and shook the head, mumbling, “Even I wouldn’t fuck up a teammate.” Sneaky son of a labtech. So he won’t squeak. Not until I’m with them. But if I ever leave… Not that I planned to, but it did weight heavily. If I’m ever ostracized from that circle… can’t imagine my life after that.

I let go and reached for support in this spinning world. He reached out and helped me stand. Hands tied around my waist. What’s with this creepy closeness and surge of warmth? He did take my outburst the wrong way, didn’t he, that pain-loving bastard?! Solitude watched us with glassy bored eyes.

“You believed me?” He whispered to me. “So silly. You still haven’t figured me out, have you? It’s true it’d be a bitch to deal with as a group, but I love teasing Good-For-Nothing elite. The real reason is, I wouldn’t ruin an occasion such as this by blabbing about it to random people. No, I’d need to set up a stage first. So for the time being you’re safe.” Somebody has warned me it’d come to this. And I didn’t even associate with this hidden sadist all that openly! Shoved him away.

“You knew about it, didn’t you?” Clenched my fists in a fit of rage and glared at Solitary.

“Yes. Of course. It’s about me,” Monotonous absent response. He stood there so still and silent, one would have thought he is transparent. Why was he still here it was a mystery to me. Did he want to indulge in my downfall as well? That gave him kicks? Did he plan it all along or just wanted to observe his revenge in peace now that everything has been put to an end?

“You two are done. Let’s just go. Don’t want to meet an annoyed search party,” Scarecrow tugged me by the hand and through the door. I sighed. “Quite the balls you got there. Wanna guess what’s gonna happen once he finds your choke bruises on me?” Scrawny asked sucking on his lip.

I glared at the bastard, but he had a point. And it’ll do me no good to add in a broken jaw to my list of misdeeds. “Just tell him he did that last night. He looks like he’d enjoy it immensely,” I suggested. Flawless must have been even more plastered than me, doubt he’d recall much. For now, the guy wore his beloved turtleneck and it masked everything they didn’t need to know.

“Don’t underestimate that druggie. He’s got amazing tolerance by now. Speaking of that, what’s wrong with you? Still high, Cherry Boy?”

Wasn’t going to talk to him anymore. Although, there wasn’t anything left to expose. As soon as we came back, Elite started bitching about us being so late. I got annoyed listening to it and interrupted, “Can I get one of those blades from yesterday?”

“Why?” They exchanged glances. The blades weren’t that big in the first place. Certainly nothing like a knife. More like a fixed-in razor. That, or a few similar items I witnessed in that game seemed to have more uses than just skinning.

“Need to lose the hairstyle,” I explained.

Brat wasted no time to lean onto me and dig his fingers into the mane. Gentle brush over the scalp was pleasant and I tilted towards it. Would he still do it even if I didn’t have all this deadweight on my head? “Don’t,” he asked. “It looks good on you.”

“You’ll regret it. This sort of feature will make you stand out among rest, if they ever get around to selling you,” Perfect Baldy popped yet another pill like a candy. He rarely spoke to me, and this advice seemed to make sense. Probably should listen.

“I don’t want…” My firm statement died off half way. Is that really the case now? Having a Master seemed more and more desirable. Anything to get out of this crazed place.

“Oh? Look who grew up,” elite teased.

“Screw you,” I retorted without thinking. Elite suddenly tensed up and glared. When he reached in and pulled on my jaw, I thought he just might take me up on the offer. We kept on staring at those coal black marbles on other’s face. I couldn’t look away. Like bunny in front of the headlights. Frown on flawless face deepened by the second. He contemplated hitting me again. I was in the mood to punch him back this time, if I manage to stay conscious.

“Do it and I’ll kick you,” brat threatened instead. My eyes followed his lean tiny body to the toes. A leg was looming dangerously close to the weakest spot. Elite growled, let go and reclined comfortably back in this seat. Kiddo squirmed to retract his legs too.

“I specifically told you not to. The idiot,” annoyed control freak spat out not even looking my way anymore. I swear, there was nothing that could make us two okay with one another. He irked me, I was hated too.

“What?” Kid asked.

“He used the drops. If he ODs now it’s not my problem.”

“You used your stuff, too,” I stated.

Elite looked at me in a way that I actually felt retarded. “Are you comparing yourself to me, imbecile? Fucking slug.”

Kid looked up worriedly and muttered, “Dumbass.” Pushed me down on my back and crawled atop. It was so easy for him to get close to and manipulate me accordingly even though he was such a brat. He wasn’t one though. Still had to keep reminding that to myself. This time, however… I looked at him and couldn’t muster a single care. My hands ran up his thin sides. A miniature Longing. My miniature Longing. When I raised my gaze saw him observing me in same intensive manner. He stroked my hair one more time and leaned in, putting his arms over my head in a half-embrace. “Don’t close your eyes,” said. Next moment felt a tongue on an unexpected place, one that hasn’t yet been touched. Certainly not this way. I struggled for a while to keep the lid up but eventually got used to it. He spat out the traces of drugs and changed the eye. Somehow the tongue ended up in my mouth. Somehow my hands reached into his pants.

Something hit brat on the head and he angrily glared behind him, “I’ll kill you, bastard.”

“Don’t care. Get out.”

“Get busy yourself if you’re bothered. I ain’t movin’,” brat stroked my cheek to let me know I’ve got his full attention even as he spoke to them. “Maso, help him out, will you?”

“I’m tired. Was helping him out the whole night,” Scarecrow complained lazily. Elite slapped the guy with the back of his hand, telling him to learn to keep things to himself.  “Touchy touchy. I didn’t tell them, did I?” That still somehow managed to imply things. He got slapped again for that.

Argument continued and I felt pain. It was like standing in the wind and having sand blown into the eyes. Light was becoming so intense it felt like my brain was being fried in a microwave. Closed the lids tight and sat up, pushing Kiddo away.

“I’m going to sleep,” I said. Needed to get away from the killing light.

Kid followed. He shrugged when I looked back at his silhouette in the darkness of sleeping hall. “I got up only because you wanted me to in first place.”

“No… anything, okay? My head feels like it’s been ran over by a truck.”

“You’re gonna lay powerless by my side and want me to ignore that?”

“Well, we don’t have to sleep together. It’s too cramped like that anyway.”

Brat lurched at me and we landed on the bunk. He snuggled up, “Nonsense. That’s where my constitution comes in handy. And don’t forget I’m hangover too.” I sighed and got myself as comfortable as possible with that oversized kitten clinging onto me. “Sorry for before. I spoke without thinking,” he said.

“Spoke without thinking – spoke what you were thinking,” I muttered. He couldn’t come up with a retort. “It’s fine. I am a good for nothing weakling. I know that much. What pissed me off is that you’re hiding who you are.”

Another long pause. He was contemplating something deeply. “No. I won’t retract my image. Even for you.” Longing fell silent again but I felt he had more to say. Most of which he won’t. Perhaps none at all. “Especially to you.”

I cupped the back of his head and pulled towards my own lips. After the kiss he laid down on my chest again and I put my arms around the tiny body. I spoke, “It’s still scarier not knowing what you actually think. Although I do have a clue you’re just as crazed as everybody else. No need to hide that.”

“I am different to the rest,” he said eventually. “This underdeveloped body has unique processes and produces chemicals that you don’t. Unlike body, my brain grew even after it was formed, which is abnormal. I’m not actually Longing. I am, in fact, just a brat for the most part. I just learned to live with the wolves.”

“So… you’re pretending to be a badass to match the rest?”

He curled up. His voice got even less audible, “I don’t know. I used to be normal. Then I started regressing into a teenager. At first on purpose, now I’m even sure anymore. Which is an act? Who am I?”

I smirked. He got us all duped.

“You are you. You don’t have to be a copy. I doubt any of us wants to be one. Look all the random traits floating around. I’d never think of having most of those. You’re lucky in that regard. You’re actually not what they intended.”

“They will keep on selling me by the hour ‘til I’m all used up and end up like Sloth. Then me, the abnormality, will be cut open, poked and probed. Perhaps for a very long time. I will become just like him. I will live somewhat longer than the rest of you, too, because I didn’t waste full time in the tank,” he prophesised. Cradled the pitiful existence close to me. There was no self-pity in his words. Just cold cruel facts. Kid’s had plenty of time to get used to the idea. “I don’t dream of freedom or a Master. As long as I have an easy quick death, I’d be happy. That’s what being different means here,” he finished. Because sometimes, good things plunge one into the despair even deeper.

Caressed his patchy head and the most prominent mohawk. I liked when he did so, he must have too. “Sorry I made you remember.”

“It’s not like I can forget it. And I don’t want you to be sorry. I want you to stay with me. Keep me sane.”

“I will.”

“You mean it?” Kid propped up on his elbows. Stared at me with his dark damn nightvision.

“Yeah.” Something in my chest went bad. It felt heavy and unpleasant.

“Forever and ever?”

“I will be with you for as long as I can,” I said avoiding the promise and my chest felt a little lighter. Brat was inspecting my face for few moments and satisfied laid down again. No one could make easy promises in this sort of place anyway. There was no reason I couldn’t now, was there? So why did it feel so wrong to contemplate it?

“Once, you said you liked me.”

“I do,” slipped out easily. I wasn’t lying. I surely didn’t hate the shrimp.

“That made me very happy… You’re weak, damaged and useless as fuck, but I don’t hate you for it either… I’d rather you stayed that way, even. So I can always bind you to me this easily.”

He knew. Knew something. Maybe. I wished it was this easy, too. Kissed him again. Kid licked my cheek and propped up, startled. “It hurt that bad? Why didn’t you say anything?” For a bit I didn’t even realised what he was referring to. Raised a hand to my face. Eyes were wet. “I shouldn’t have kept you up. Rest. I’ll sleep too.”

The physical pain was there, but not that intense. For some reason I kept seeing glassy eyed Solitude, staring at me… No, through me. Only now did I truly realise what I’ve done. Everything was gone. My moments of peace… They will never come back. It’s only a memory now.

“Dark damn mixtures. I’m never doing it again,” I swore. They misbalanced something. At first I’m a hothead hardass, now this?

“Heh. I heard that before. Dozens of times. Rest. Tomorrow all will be better.”

Instead of my shy but wilful ray of hope, I had this damaged child in my arms. I liked him, it’s true, but it wasn’t the same. Old morals and worries began gnawing at me again. I needed more of the drops… At this pace, I’ll always be high merely to survive. Kid’s life was tragic, but mine will be the same from now on. Ah, my distant Apparition… I pushed him towards someone he couldn’t stand, didn’t I? I’m such a scum, coldly tossing him aside once it got too hard.

Gathered myself together. It was for the best. It’s even better it turned out this way. I can bear a little ache in exchange of seeing him safe and sound. If I dragged this out any other way he’d have stuck around. If there was anyone I didn’t want to see in execution, it was him. It would break the gentle fragile inside of that apathetic tank. He’d be empty. It was for the best. That’s what I’ll be telling myself tonight. And every other night.