Return Ticket To Stockholm
Some Things Just Won't Let You Go
...when you said something we've all been waiting for..I assumed....XD Dirty mind! Okay, let me rephrase: Something that someone asked for, many thousands of words ago. ;P
What more could I wish for? More long nice chapters! ;) Ask, and ye shall receive. :D
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Some Things Just Won't Let You Go
"Time's up," the young teaching assistant said, smiling at the scattered groans and desperate scribbling.
Ryo stretched and mentally ran down the list of questions. No, he felt good about all of them; some of his answers were probably less than perfect, but he was confident that none of them were outright wrong.
So, semester over... his first semester as a college student. He still struggled to understand it sometimes, the fact that he was really in school, getting a degree; doing something more than working the register.
He sometimes felt a pang of guilt that he'd never been back to the gas station. They still had his old phone -or maybe they'd thrown it away by now-, still didn't know what had happened to him, had nothing to go by other than that postcard... because of course he hadn't been in touch. He felt bad about that, but what could he have said to them? 'Hey, yeah, had a little run-in with organized crime, no worries'?
So they probably thought he'd lost it and gone off to find himself in drugs or some shit, and here he was, getting an actual education.
Crazy thought, that.
His phone -new phone- rang as he walked out into the hallway.
NUMBER WITHHELD, the screen said.
Finding a halfway quiet corner amidst all the post-exam noise, he answered.
"Hey."
"Hey, Rye. Wha's up?"
"Just finished my last exam five minutes ago. Good timing."
"Right, cool." Blainn sounded weird today. "You good?"
"Yeah."
It wasn't an unusual question, but the guy seemed more concerned than he normally was. He called occasionally, every few weeks, and even though Ryo knew he was probably just doing some sort of remote patient care -he always got a prescription in the mail soon afterwards-, the calls were strangely welcome. They normally talked for a little while about this and that, everyday stuff, but Ryo knew all too well that Blainn could learn everything he needed to know just from that.
Every time, like a ritual, Ryo was asked how he was doing, was expected to actually answer, and he did- owed in large parts to the fact that the redhead was the only person in his life who knew how unhinged he really was. And why.
Today, the guy seemed bugged by something, but Ryo decided not to ask; there were too many things in Blainn's life that he didn't want to know about.
"Listen, I'll call you tomorrow or somethin', yeah?"
"Um, yeah. Sure."
"Right. Bye."
Well, that had been a little strange, hadn't it?
Outside the building was a group of classmates from his English course, nice enough people who he sometimes got lunch with, but still people. He returned their greeting and kept walking- it wasn't that he didn't want any contact, just that... he didn't. People scared him, made him wonder what their secrets were, and in any case he didn't know what to say to them. How did you talk to anyone when there was this big gap in your life that you had to steer clear of in conversation, several months spent in a haze of blinding fear and, later, in the fog of medication? It wasn't something he was willing to talk about, yet it made him what he was, quiet and withdrawn; any contact exceeding small talk was going to touch on it sooner or later.
He didn't know how to give people satisfying answers, how to not tell them anything without being rude, and usually, walking that line was more effort than he could muster.
As he passed them, a small blonde left the group and approached him.
"Are you going to the library? Mind if I come?"
Brinda. He couldn't help smiling at her, and he couldn't turn her down. Well, that was the problem, really- he couldn't turn anyone down, not for something like this, not without looking like an ass. But with her, he honestly didn't mind.
She was short and curvy, in what he would have called the good way, had he been much into women's curves- very soft and rounded, cuddly rather than athletic. Not overweight, but definitely not skinny. Long, golden hair framed a genuinely friendly face that made him feel comfortable around her, as much as he ever felt comfortable, and the contrast between her sweet personality and the sarcasm that sometimes shone though amused him.
If he ever made a friend again, it would be her.
"So what are you doing at the library, last minute research?"
"No, I'm returning my books. Almost couldn't find Hemingway this morning."
She looked up at him from way down there, surprise in her big eyes. "But the paper is due Friday!"
"I turned it in last week." Aside from the fact that he'd read most of them just last winter, it wasn't like he had much to distract him, was it? He'd never been to a party or anything, even though people asked sometimes.
"You... you nerd."
"Fuck you," he grinned back. From gas station guy to college nerd, he liked that.
"You offering? Nerd sex?"
"You wish."
Ryo thought about sex sometimes, but never for very long. There were too many memories that popped up along with it, too many jumbled emotions that either scared or confused him or both. Of course, there had been things in his past, good sex, the occasional bad sex, the odd relationship- but all of that was drowned out by a white room with dark furniture, by the smell of a particular brand of lube, by tall windows and a security camera. By Brennan. And the feelings that came up were strange hybrids of wanting to escape and being pulled back, fear and attraction and shame all tangled into one and messing with his head- one time, thinking about sex had triggered a panic attack, and now he tried not to.
He had come to associate sex with fear. A shrink probably would have found that obvious, but he wasn't seeing one.
"Here, we can go through here." Brinda pointed as she tried to veer to a small gap between two buildings.
"I... um-"
He couldn't, he just couldn't; wanted to stay on the main path, where there were people. True, he tried to avoid actual interaction, but he still felt safer in a crowd- nobody who had anything to hide would show it out here, in the open. The problem was that he couldn't think of a good excuse this fast.
"It's a shortcut," she insisted.
Oh, good God. He never wanted to use anything but main roads again, ever.
"I don't do shortcuts, Brinda," he said shakily.
She noticed something, then; it was obvious in the way she looked at him. There was no way she didn't see how unsettled he was, but after a moment's hesitation she just fell in next to him again, on the path, taking the long way around without question.
"Hey," she said after a minute or two, "I'm having a couple people over Friday night to eat something and get shitfaced to celebrate the end of the semester. And then I think we'll head over to Delta Tau. Want to come?"
Brinda probably thought she was doing him a favor by changing the topic, but it was really a frying pan/ fire sort of thing. What was he supposed to tell her?
"I don't remember ever seeing you out, anywhere," she mused. "Do you actually go out after dark?"
"Not if I can help it," he said, trying to make it sound lighthearted.
"...Can I ask you something, Ryo?" The look she was shooting his way was full of suspicion and concern, which was sweet in theory but alarming as hell to see.
"Can I stop you?" he asked back, miserably... rhetorically.
The tiny blonde slowed and pulled him aside, out of the way of other people. "What's up with you?"
Ryo wished she would stop asking questions- no good was going to come of it; there was no way he would answer them, and afterwards things between them would be awkward at best... if he didn't manage to offend her in the process and lose the closest he had come to having a friend.
"I just... you seem so... so sealed in, you know? And now all this stuff with... I mean, you probably know that better than I do." She paused, looking him over. "Are you alright?"
"No," he said bluntly. "And I'm not going to tell you why." That had come out harsher than he'd meant it to; Brinda looked a little taken aback, and who could blame her? "...Not even you," he added, hoping to lessen the blow.
To his relief, she smiled a little at that. Smooth save, man.
"I won't tell anyone, Ryo, if that's what you're worried about."
"Me neither."
She scored uncountable numbers of brownie points by laughing. "Okay," she said. "But you might want to talk to somebody."
"How do you know I'm not?"
"Are you?"
"No." He shrugged at her expression. "I'm a lot better than I was." Ignoring the way her eyebrows shot up, he started walking again.
"Holy shit, Ryo," she said quietly. "Just saying."
"I know."
They walked in silence for a minute, or at least in relative silence compared to all the noise around them.
"So, about Friday...?"
"Maybe," he said, not meaning it.
"You can sneak out any time. I'll come up with an excuse."
Her earnestness was endearing, no lie. Ryo wasn't going to go as far as saying he was glad she had confronted him; that had been uncomfortable and tense; but he liked the person she had turned out to be in the process- interested and at the same time respectful of his boundaries. He felt like he probably could tell her anything.
Of course, that meant that he never would. The more he started to like the girl, the less he was going to drag her into his mess.
"Hey, Brinda."
Blue eyes looked up at him.
"If I ever have normal problems, I promise you'll hear all about them."
She snorted, but he could tell she was pleased.
By the time he got home his anxiety had died down, and Ryo was fairly happy with this particular Wednesday. Not only had he done well on an exam -probably-, he had also managed, for the first time, to acknowledge his issues in front of someone and had navigated that conversation without causing too much damage. On top of all that: it definitely deserved mention that he had bought a new video game the day before and -with great effort- put it off until after the exam. Meaning it was waiting for him now.
A shock of light brown hair, cut very short, set his heart hammering like it hadn't in a long time- made him forget all about video games and exams and small blondes, left no room for any thought other than Brennan.
Ryo fled.
Outside, on the landing, he sat against the wall and closed his eyes- but all he could seem to see was that particular shade of coffee-with-too-much-milk over the back of the couch; the TV screen playing a shooter game; so he opened them again and stared at the neighbors' door instead.
Holy shit. Holy shit. Brennan was sitting on his couch- playing a video game, possibly the new one, although that hardly mattered now. What mattered, what all his thoughts kept coming back to, was that Brennan was in his apartment. He hadn't seen the guy in half a year, actually not since... shit, since he'd yelled at him. After that, it had been Blainn and some faceless, nameless Suits who had organized everything and put him on a plane, hadn't it? So, yeah, it had to have been that time.
Oh, God, lovely note to part on from a mob boss.
And now he was here. Why? What had come up now that warranted a visit? Did the man hold a grudge about that? And was this the reason for Blainn's mysterious phone call earlier?!
...As nothing happened, and continued to happen, it occurred to Ryo that maybe nothing was going to. If they had wanted to they could have, and would have, just nabbed him on campus or on the way home or even now, as he was sitting here and Brennan knew that he was outside- but all that came his way was silence, punctuated by the distant beat of someone's stereo.
He decided he couldn't sit out here forever, so once his pulse was at least within shouting distance of normal he got up and gave it another try.
"I see you've decided to come in." Brennan, mashing buttons, didn't even turn his head.
"What is it with you people? Do you even understand the concept of privacy?" Maybe that wasn't the best note to open on, either, but having Brennan in his living room unsettled him and put him on edge enough to snap at the guy- even more so since the man had let himself in, shattering all the little delusions of safety he had built up. That really was a meaningless concept, wasn't it?
Nobody is ever safe. They just don't know it.
"As far as I know it is perfectly legal for a landlord to enter his own property." Brennan sounded vaguely amused, but also distracted by the game.
"You're generally expected to have a good reason to do that", he grouched back.
"How do you know I don't?"
God, that could mean any sort of bad news. "Well, do you?"
"I have a vested interest in the wellbeing of my tenant, don't I? Especially if I know he's mentally unwell and might go to shit, and my apartment with it?" Brennan's avatar on the screen put his gun away, jumped around a corner and killed an enemy by twisting his head around. "Oh, bullshit. People don't groan when you break their neck, they're dead instantly."
"Urgh." He had no doubt that the man was speaking from personal experience, knew all too well the things his character was doing. Why, he wondered, would you want to play a game about work?
Well, he probably doesn't go on killing sprees like this. I think.
Retreating to his tiny kitchen, Ryo grabbed the ginger ale from the fridge and and took a swig straight from the bottle before he leaned against the counter and tried to get his thoughts together. Brennan had never actually harmed him, and hadn't given any indication that there were... unpleasant reasons for this visit, but just seeing the guy again gave him the shakes. Having a mental breakdown when his, well, "landlord" came to see if he was functional didn't seem like the way to make a good impression, did it?
But no. He was upset and anxious, but not about to come apart. God, maybe I am getting better.
The sounds from the game were still playing in the living room, so the sudden presence in the kitchen came as a surprise.
Anxiety up to eleven, but the panic meter still in the clear. She's rattling, captain, but I think I can hold her.
"So how are things?" Brennan was leaning against the door frame, hands in his pockets, handsome as ever.
...Had he just thought that?
"What, does Blainn not tell you?"
"I haven't asked. I don't need to control every last part of his personal life."
"I'm hardly-" He stopped, because he didn't feel this was the time to argue semantics. Priorities, Ryo, get them straight.
"Is that what you think?"
Ryo stared in confusion, unable to make sense of that, until the man grinned and shook his head.
"You have no idea, do you? I've never seen him this attached to anybody, except maybe Trish, and here you have no idea." A smirk followed that made Ryo look away, both because it was mocking him and because... because... ummm. "Why did you think he did all that- keep track of you, give you his merch for free and everything?"
"I d.. I... didn..."
"Yeah, I can tell."
Are you going soft on me over this guy? Ryo remembered that conversation, of course -how could he not?!-, and on some level he'd known it to be true because, well, they'd taken pity on him and let him crash on their couch for months, figuratively speaking. That had to count as pretty damn soft, by their standards. But this? He hadn't expected that, not in a million years. Never seen him this attached to anybody. The thought was new; alien and unfamiliar; and it started a warm glow in his stomach he hadn't felt in... in forever. At the same time, shit, Blainn was not a good candidate for a friend. For one, he hurt people for a living.
"Alright," he said, staring at the wall. "What do you want to know?"
"How's college? How's life?" The smooth voice got a little quieter, making him shiver. "How are you holding up?"
It was downright surreal to have Brennan -Brennan- stand there and inquire about his wellbeing as if that was the sort of thing the guy gave a shit about. What was going on here? Why was he even asking about school? School was good; in fact, school was the best thing that had happened to him in years- so many different subjects, so many different things to do and hear about. He still thought he would go for math, but he loved having all these paths to choose from... so even if he didn't understand the question, he was happy about his answer.
"Classes are great." Ryo hadn't even realized he was smiling. "The other day, we... actually, never mind. I don't think you care about real-life applications of the exponential function. I just get really excited sometimes."
To his credit, Brennan tried to keep a straight face, but the amusement was audible. "I'm glad. And other than that?"
"I'm starting to talk to people. Got lunch with some classmates a couple of times, recently."
What he didn't say was how much of a strain it was. Sure, his classmates were nice enough, but he couldn't relate to them and couldn't let them know that. Their problems seemed so trivial- not compared to his, but compared to the problems they could have been having. How could you worry about what party to go to if you couldn't be sure you would even still be alive to go? A million things could happen in the meantime.
Sometimes, when things felt especially surreal, he couldn't explain why he bothered going to class, either. Why worry about an education when life itself was such a fragile construct? But the truth was that the classes grounded him, especially those to do with numbers- you knew where you stood with numbers; there was a true and a false and a way to determine the answer. Math was, at least so far, so black-and-white that it anchored him.
Talking to Brennan was a strain, too, to say the least. For something to do, he opened the fridge again and put the bottle back.
"Hey. Did you eat my donuts?"
"I was hungry. You came back later than I thought. Why do you keep your donuts in the fridge?"
"Force of habit," he grumbled. "That's theft, Mr Landlord. You stole from me."
Brennan shrugged. "Yeah, well, add it to my tab."
That was fucked up enough to make him laugh. It was true, wasn't it? The list of crimes Brennan had committed against him was immense, and he hadn't even tried very hard. "Your tab with society must be impressive."
"...If I can help it, you'll never know."
"For your safety, or mine?"
"Yours."
It was said with such matter-of-fact simplicity that it sent a chill down his spine. He was never going to be a threat to the guy, of course- if he ever knew something, anything, it was his ass that was in trouble, not Brennan's. He'd be dead before he knew it.
Anxiety rising, captain. Please advise.
"Still not looking to see me dead, then?" He tried to sound sarcastic rather than panicky.
"No." There was something in that handsome, scary face, in the way those brown eyes narrowed, that finally made things fall into place... an alarming place, no less.
"You're here because you want to fuck me."
"Well," the guy conceded, "the thought had crossed my mind."
"You came all the way out here for that?!"
"No. I came for business reasons." Brennan shrugged again. "I'm in town for a few days and I thought I'd stop by."
'Stop by'. Is that what you call it? "So how come you're beating around the bush, here?" He could hear the bitterness in his own voice and didn't try to hide it.
Brennan actually managed to look mildly surprised, earning himself a place in Ryo's personal Top Ten Best Actors of All Time. You fucker. And the worst part was that on some level the thought had caused a response, physically, emotionally; one that was confused and tense but, undeniably, also interested. There was a tiny, tiny part of him that actually perked up at the idea of sleeping with Brennan. Was that still Stockholm? Or maybe the remnants of whatever attraction there had been at first?
And did it matter? Even if there had never been outright talk of rape, even if he had given in without being explicitly forced to, Brennan was still the sort of man who got what he wanted. Who knew what lengths he was willing to go to? Why did he even bother trying to be subtle about this?
"You said you wanted to be the one to call the shots."
He probably looked stupid, but Ryo couldn't help gaping at the man. That... Brennan remembered that? Was that still ongoing? He still wasn't entirely sure why the guy had played along at all, back in the day, much less why he was sticking to the game now when he hadn't seen his... his opponent in half a year.
So, what, the man was just going to stand there and hope for Ryo to make a move? He couldn't be serious. He'd let himself in and raided the fridge and gotten comfortable; that wasn't normal behaviour, landlord or otherwise; and then he was hoping to get laid? Did he even realize how fucking scary he was? Sure, I feel like a good romp right now, yeah; not spooked at all.
But even as he shoved his hands in his pockets to keep them from shaking, Ryo noticed how the man was here and hadn't touched him, hadn't threatened him, had not given him any reason to be alarmed other than the fact that he was Brennan, and now he was leaving and it didn't look like he was-
Hold it. Leaving?
Ryo followed the man out into the living room, watched him straighten out his jacket and search for something or other in its pockets, and didn't know what to say.
"Meet me for a drink, tomorrow night."
"Is that an invitation or an order?" His voice was hoarse as if he hadn't used it in days.
Looking smug, Brennan smiled and made to open the door. "Maybe a bit of both."
"Wait."
When the guy turned his head and looked at him, Ryo's mind froze for a second. What the fuck was he doing? The man was dangerous, needed to get out of his house, his life, and fast. No more talking. No stalling.
"How come?", he said. Oh, Ryo.
"What part?"
"How come you're letting me decide?"
"I am actually a fully functioning member of this society, Ryo." Brennan's voice was a little cool, but not unfriendly. "I'm familiar with the concept of consent."
"Like, actual- if I-"
"Consent. It means if you don't want to, I'll keep my hands off." Seeing the look on Ryo's face, the man sneered. "I'm not a rapist."
"Coulda fooled me," he muttered, under his breath.
Leaning against the door, Brennan crossed his arms. "I took advantage of your situation- I guess in the strict sense of the law that does make me a rapist, yes, but I was never going to force myself on you. I hadn't expected you to let me, and I couldn't resist."
Ryo wasn't sure if the guy was complimenting him or saying it was his own fault for... for somehow attracting him -what a convoluted bunch of bullshit- but before he could figure it out, Brennan continued.
"I find it is better when your partner wants it, you know."
"So what you're saying... is that you won't force me into anything because it's not your preference." Words could be made to say anything, and Brennan was good at making them say exactly what he wanted, but Ryo was pretty sure of this one.
"As opposed to?"
"Because it's fucked up," he hissed. "Because when someone says no, backing off is the right thing to do."
"Ah." Brennan nodded, but he clearly wasn't impressed. "I understand you might find my sense of morality slightly skewed- but having good morals is so fucking easy if they happen to fall in line with your preference, isn't it? It's easy to feel righteous about resisting a temptation you've never felt. Show me a guy who's a serial killer at heart and has never killed anyone; that's someone who can talk to me about morality."
It sounded so obvious, it made sense, a fucked-up sort of sense; the sort of sense he was trying so hard to move past. Ryo felt lost already.
"I could tell you you'll be fine around me because I respect your right to turn me down. Would that make you feel safer?" There was an edge to the guy's voice now, sharp; controlled but still unsettling. "You know what I am. What if I change my mind? What if I have a bad day and feel like respecting fuck all?" He paused. When he continued, he had softened, at least as far as that could be said about Brennan. "I'm telling you you're safe around me because I find no pleasure in harming others."
That, again, sounded right in a completely sideways way of thinking. Was it confused to agree that it was better Brennan wasn't going to wake up one morning and feel like raping Ryo or slitting his throat for the hell of it, that that impulse wasn't there, instead of contained, dammed by some learned sense of right or wrong, ready to spill over-? He could see the sense in that and wasn't sure he should.
Still, though- "That's one hell of a thing to say for a mobster."
One eyebrow went up slightly. "There's a difference between a necessity, and a fucking hobby."
"Necessity?" Huffing, Ryo turned his face away... found it hard to look at the man just then. "Maybe it isn't your main kink or anything, but, you know, you kept hurting me. It turned you on. Did you think I didn't notice that?"
"That's not wh..." Brennan trailed off and, for the first time Ryo had ever seen, briefly seemed at a loss for words. "I had to put enough pressure on you to make you crack if you were that mole... but not go completely overboard in case you weren't, you know? That was a fine line. I might have crossed it sometimes." He paused again, and when he continued he almost seemed to be speaking to himself. "...it was pretty impossible to get it right."
When it occurred to him that he wasn't going to think of anything to say, no matter how long he waited, Ryo sat down and watched his fingers fidget with the hem of his shirt. He was hurting over things he'd tried to forget and hadn't been able to; just as bewildered by what seemed to be the truth as he had been by the mind fuck; all in all seeing the man again was going better than he could have imagined and still did nothing to help him sort it all out.
After an extended silence, Brennan opened the door. "I'll send a car around seven."
"Alright." He nodded slightly, bit his lip and didn't look up. "I'll be here."
That had been a choice, he realized afterwards- one that he wasn't sure he had, but had made anyway.
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