All Over Again

Enjoy y'all

The irrationality


“The office is closed on the weekends and I have a meeting on Monday, but I can take ya on Tuesday if ya want?”

Ellie nodded as she took a bite of her toast and watched Mel go back into the kitchen and came back with her mug of coffee.

“Yeah I want to see where I work and stuff you know. Work still seems like a blurry dream. I remember someone named Burke something.”

Mel sat next to Ellie and offered some of her coffee and Ellie shook her head declining it.

“yeah he's your boss a really nice guy. Solid team and such.” Mel sipped a little more as she sighed feeling the warmth course through her body.

It was close to a month now that Ellie was back home, and she really hadn't stepped foot outside her home. She was feeling trapped and was looking for some excuses to be able to go out. Although she was sure if she just asked Mel to take her somewhere she knew she would. Yet she didn't want to burden Mel.

“by the way on Wednesday you have a neurological test, Angie is going to take you. I have a presentation due. I won't be able to take you unless you want Maggie to take ya.”

Ellie shook her head quickly, she had been avoiding her mother for the last week. She dislike making Mel be the bad guy, but Mel actually didn't mind telling Maggie to get lost.

That Christmas made her feel sick to her stomach. As she recalled her mother's behavior and it was too soon to see her. She felt the memory raw and recent as if the incident had happened recently and not years ago.

Ellie pushed herself away from the table as she place her plate on her lap and rolled into the kitchen. She was glad she wasn't as useless anymore. She could at least move about, her upper body strength had increased greatly, mainly to Angie's persistent workouts and the diet she had her on.

Nothing but healthy eating, “you want to walk then you better fucking eat your vegetables,” Ellie chuckled at Angie's motivation, her tactfulness. She was so vulgar at times, but she was glad Mel had chosen her.

Ellie rolled out of the kitchen and down the hallway, she paused by her office as she opened the door.

“Mel?”

Mel walked quickly as she stood behind Ellie and both peered into the office.

“what happened to my things?” Ellie asked as Mel chocked a little on her coffee.

“Umm I'm not sure, I think you moved some stuff to the office and some other things somewhere else.”

Ellie frowned, the room was empty and cold. The desk was bare, the sheets on the small bed were neatly made and had accumulated dust.

The closet door was opened and it looked a bit empty. “Was I moving out or something. Were we changing room or redecorating?” Ellie went into the room, she was brainstorming all the possibilities. She didn't feel comfortable thinking that she was going to move out. Why would she?

“I don't know,” Mel mumbled as Ellie looked at her, “How the hell can't you know?” Ellie was getting frustrated with the vague answers.

“Look I don't really want to get into this, now is not the time, but you were sort of moving out.” Mel looked away as she avoided Ellie's confused look. Mel just didn't have the heart to admit out loud that Ellie was sneakily moving out. Mel was caught by surprised at the empty room when she discovered it. She had no excuse to go into Ellie's office, so she wasn't aware of it. She got her last confirmation when she saw the remains of the crash was Ellie's diaries and her wedding ring.

“Moving? Were we in a rough patch?” Ellie looked up at Mel. Mel's ear twitch a little.

“You could say that,” Mel whispered as she glanced up to see a concerned Ellie. 'That look, she hasn't looked at me like that since college.' Mel smiled as she stepped back.

“Well what ever had happened can't we fix it?” Ellie almost pleaded. A life with out Mel crossed her mind and she felt nauseous. How could they end what they had for so long. From what she had read, she was madly in love with Mel. She felt it now just as she remembered feeling it back then. the journals only reiterated the feeling.

“I need fresh air,” Ellie sighed as she felt a heavy knot on her chest, Mel stepped aside and Ellie rolled down the hallway to the front porch.

“Fuck,” Mel closed her eyes as she cursed and stood there thinking.

February 14, 1999

“are you gonna go to the Valentine dance the RA's are organizing?” Haley asked excitedly as she stood up and looked at me with two dresses on each hand.

“Which one is better?” she held one to the side of her and then the other.

“I like the black one,” I said absentmindedly not really looking at her.

“Hey! hello black? You must really be out of it, this is a dark night blue.” Haley threw the dresses on the bed and sat next to me on my bed.

“all right spill,” Haley wrapped her arm around mine and place her head on my shoulder.

“I'm confused about me and Mel.” I stuttered out.

Haley scoffed, “oh come on, she gorgeous, great body,she's smart and a total gentlemen sort of in a weird way.”

“ok then it's not her, what I mean it's me. I mean I don't think I'm gay and it's only with her I feel this way.”

I covered my face and fell back on bed, oh the confusion the irrationality. It was crazy what my heart was making me feel. “only you would make this more complicated. What has Mel done. You know has put the moves on you?”

“that too,” I exclaimed, “she hasn't! I feel like she just wants to be friends. She's too polite and treats me at arms length.”

“Oh you two are making this more complicated than it is,” I shrugged the comment off as I stood up. “It's almost four I have to meet her at the coffee shop.”


Mel was sitting outside with a cup of coffee as she sipped it slowly. I approached her from behind as I tapped her shoulder.

She turned around and smile, “Hey,” She smiled at me, and her eyes lit up.

I sat next to her as she took another sip.

“What's up? How the week go?” I smiled at her as I took her coffee from her hands, and sipped it.

It was a routine we had been meeting every Sunday, at this same coffee place, and we would chat the afternoon away as we drank coffee. Because of our schedules we hardly saw each other, but Mel had suggested meeting once a week in order for us not be just 'acquaintances.'

“It's been fine I had a pop quiz in my English 101 class. I can't wait till I'm done with all my gen ed's that way I can focus on the major instead.” I handed back the cup as Mel nodded. “I hear ya but that's the way it is.”

We sat there in silence, “Oh,” Mel exclaimed as she half stood to take something out of her pocket.

“Here,” I extended my hand out as she dropped a small medal object. I held it close to my face, it was a butterfly pendant. It was as big as the nail on my pinky.

“How cute,” I exclaimed wishing I had necklace to put it on so I could wear it.

“Yea sorry I didn't have enough for the necklace. Happy Valentines day.” I looked at her as I leaned in and hugged her.

She froze as I pulled back to see the spilled coffee on her shirt.

“Oh my,” I chuckled as she glared at me, “Come on Ms. Klutz.” She stood up as I got up and whacked her in the arm.

“Not my fault you can't drink a coffee fast enough.” She rolled her eyes as we made our way to the dorms.

“I got a job,” Mel said suddenly as she held the door open for me as we walked into the building.

“Really where at?” I turned to see her holding the door open. I waited further up ahead for her as she held the door open for another couple walking behind. She nodded to them as she caught up to me.

“Post office, on the weekends I'm gonna be sorting mail and shit.”

“Oh,” I said sullen, “What time you get out?” I was hoping our Sundays weren't going to be interrupted.

“It's from ten to ten on ummm Saturday and ummm Sundays. Since it's two days a week I gotta work those hours.” she immediately noticed my discomfort.

“I guess we could change coffee day to I don't know ummm some other day I guess.” she said with a hopeful look in her eyes. I realized we were standing in front of her door. I had completely zone out during the walk upstairs.

“You and I both know that's not possible." I swallowed hard as I felt a giant knot in my stomach and I felt dizzy. "You jerk.” A sudden anger rushed through me and I pushed her into her door as I turned around quickly and ran to my room.

“Ellie!” I heard her shout in frustration but she didn't follow.

April 24, 1999 (Saturday)

I stood at entrance of the Library I looked outwards as I stepped foot outside and suddenly the skies opened up. A tremendous downpour started.

“fucking April showers,” I cursed as I put my backpack over my head and started the walk back to the dorms.

I eventually just put my backpack on my back it did nothing to prevent me from getting wet.

As I approached the coffee shop I saw Mel from afar and she was ordering her usual coffee.

I hadn't seen her for months, ever since she started working weekends and with our class schedule so different we didn't see each other at all. It literally was impossible to see each other. I felt the anger I felt last time. It made me mad, I was mad at her because...because it was her fault.

I felt sick to my stomach as I felt a pain in my chest. Oh how much I missed her, how much I missed Sunday coffee. I then realized I really liked her more than a friend and that scared the crap out of me.

I quickened my pace to catch up to her, “you jerk,” I shouted as she turned around. She was soaked from head to toe, her blue sweater looked black and her hair was matted down by the rain. Her eyes looked heavy, she wasn't getting the adequate sleep she needed.

I noticed she was wearing glasses which surprised me greatly.

“Ellie,” she mouthed as she looked down at her feet then back up at me.

“why you have to ruin it huh what we had was fine,” I had walked up to her and smacked her on the shoulder to emphasize my point. She looked confused as she shyly extended her coffee towards me.

I lost it then, I started to cry as I fell on my knees. “Ellie,” she breathed out sadly as she dropped her coffee and helped me up. I fought it but she was strong, she placed both hands under each of my armpits and made me stand up.

“come on your gonna catch a cold out here,” Mel grabbed my hand but I shook it off as I glared at her.

“how can you just stand there and pretend nothing happened.” I demanded.

“because nothing did!” Mel shouted frustrated she looked down at her spilled coffee and then back at me.

“you didn't come after me,” I whispered, I heard Mel chuckled. I was furious how dare she make light fun of this.

“What the hell are you laughing at?” I looked at her to see her on the brink of tears. My heart stopped as I realized she was in pain too.

She took a step towards me as she pulled me by my arm and I fell into her open arms. She held me tightly as I heard her sob, her body racked with spams as she sniffled.
“Elizabeth... oh Ellie.”

I woke up a little after two in the morning as I realized I wasn't in my room. Next to me I could hear Mel breathing softly. I touched my chest as I remembered, I had borrowed some of her clothes as she took our clothes to the floor on top of us to dry them.

I fell asleep waiting for her to come back.

“Mel,” I whispered as I felt her move and soon she was facing me. I could feel her breath on my cheek.

“Yeah?” she asked groggily. “I'm sorry for my outburst.” I whispered as I felt her hand moving about, she pulled me close and hugged me.

“It's ok,” she mumbled as I felt her breathing slow down again.

“I like you,” I said, “I like you a lot.”

She sighed as she move her face and nuzzled my neck, I giggled as she whispered, “but there's a but isn't there?”

“Yeah,” I said sadly.

“Look there is a lot of demons we have to fix before you or I can you know, even think about something. I mean Ellie are you even gay?” What she meant really, was I ready to admit to myself who I was.

“that's it, that's what pisses me off, do we have to have labels do I have to have one. Your the first woman I've felt emotions like this for. So if that means I'm a lesbian then so be it.” I felt a huge weight lift off me as I said those last words. My chest felt light as I felt my heartbeat hammer away.

“then so be it,” I said again as Mel kissed my cheek, it tingled as I felt my eyes water a bit.

“all of this is making me so irrational,” I said as I realized that I was acting like a raging hormonal teen. Which technically I still was.

“So what do we do?” Mel asked as she took a deep breath.

“I guess make it official,” I mumbled as Mel scoffed a bit.

“We are such dorks,” she said chuckling a bit. “Yeah,” I replied as we both realized it was going to get better from now on.

“dorks to the tenth power,” she mumbled.

“You nerd,”


Present day

“hey Ellie you might want to come inside. It's getting late and colder.” Ellie looked up to see Mel sticking her head out the doorway. Ellie nodded as she pushed herself inside the house. Ellie felt odd and relived as she glanced to see Mel. 'oh Melissa,' Ellie thought.

“I made dinner, are ya hungry?” Mel asked as she saw the book on Ellie's lap. It was a different one, so it meant that Ellie was done with the first one.

'wonder what she discovered in that one.' Mel thought as she followed Ellie into the kitchen.

(A/N: All right I can feel a writers block coming, I have so many different pathways to go, and I have to choose one and commit to it, but I just don't know. I'll sleep on it for now. Thanks for reading.)