Only the Heart Knows Why

I saw it come at me. “Kanau, look out!” … Where was the pain?

“Oh shit!!”

“Nooo!!!”

… So much blood began painting the pavement…

Thirteen: All Because of Me

(Characters belong to me and Azathoia. Please take the time to read his version in Quax‘s POV titled Only the Heart Knows Why, Quax‘s Days… Have a nice day and please review! ALSO, I am posting a solo story as an extra Christmas present titled Innocent Flower. I hope you enjoy!)

“Ow!” I clutch my knee and look around at my surroundings finally. Where the hell am I? Looking down I gasp in horror. There’s blood on my clothes. What the fuck happened?! I try to figure out where I am, glancing about anxiously. Rain is pouring down from the sky, the temperature dropping radically. I’m sitting in mud… “The park?” Sure enough, I am at the park. I sigh shakily as I stand up, walking over to a tree and leaning against it, my eyes shutting as I do…

~*~

“Mama, I don’t like that man.”

“Why not, Eiriol? He’s not that bad.” My mother smiled at me lovingly, putting her arms around me as I snuggled close against her. There was just something not right about that guy. “You’ll see when he and Zikiel come back. He’s just a little strange, son.” She gently kissed my cheek and I relaxed. Maybe I really was just crazy. Mother always knows what’s best, right?

~*~

I open my eyes as an annoying sound reaches my ears. Thunder is cracking in the sky, the temperature has dropped drastically low, and I can barely see in front of me. I sigh shakily as I slowly get off the tree, my body feeling so chilled and heavy from the downpour. I begin to walk, but I don’t know where…

Everything seems so blurred. So many voices are echoing in my head. Why can’t I just make them stop? “Mother!!!” Please just shut up… “That whore won’t spoil you anymore…” Go away… Please, just make it stop. “I’m so sorry…”

I trip over something on the sidewalk. I wince and grasp my ankle. The pain is bearable, almost unnoticeable. Shouldn’t it be hurting a bit more though? Sighing, I stand up again, holding a hand to my head. I’m getting a major headache now. “I still…”

I stop just outside his door. Why am I even here? Maybe because I don’t want to go home yet. Not like this. I reach up and knock on the door, and hurried footsteps come quickly to the door, opening it with a big grin on his face which switches dramatically at one look. “Oh my god! Kanau, what happened?!!” I shake my head and he pulls me inside. “Are you hurt? Should I call an ambulance?!”

“Please… don’t tell anyone… I need to use your shower… and could you get my clothes washed, please?” I look at him as I say this, and he sighs in defeat.

“Fine… but, are you sure you don’t want me to call anyone?”

“Please, Quax, don’t call anyone.” My voice just cracked. I hate it when that happens. “Please, just… just help me this one last time. Please…” I’m practically begging at this point.

He chews on his lip a little, but then nods and I make my way to the bathroom, with him following me. He pretty much freezes when I start undressing in front of him, but I don’t really care right now. I just want to get clean. I stop at my briefs and his eyes are glued to me, and I start to want to keep at least a little clothing on, but after the rain and mud bath I had, ugh. So I finally take those off too, and put everything into a pile and hand them all to Quax. “Please just clean these, nothing weird.” His face looks like a tomato now, and it takes him awhile but he finally nods and walks off, not before looking at me again though. I sigh, shutting and locking the bathroom door. I turn on the shower and wait for the water to warm up, then step inside. It burns at first, but then as I get used to the temperature it feels so soothing. Just letting the water flow over me feels so good after all that.

I’m not really sure how long I stay in here. I used Quax’s soap and shampoo (I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t mind), and am now just trying to rinse away the blurry, scattered memories. Too many voices to sort out. Too many images to see. How the hell can I think straight now?

I grab one of the towels after I turn the water off and dry off. My hair is still dripping wet but I don’t care. I just want to stop thinking as I walk out of the bathroom, the towel hanging around my waist. I go into the bedroom and take out the radio, bringing it back to the living room to listen to something, anything to get my mind off what happened… I keep finding sad love songs…

Eventually Quax comes back with my now clean and dry clothes and hands them to me. I say nothing as I go into the bathroom to get dressed, locking the door after me. I don’t really feel like giving him another show to stare at.

After getting my clothes back on, I go and lay down in the living room, staring at the wall as I use one of the pink pillows for my head. I feel so tired and there‘s no way I‘d be able to hold a conversation with anyone right now. “If you have a nightmare, come get me, okay?” I hear Quax say. I nod my head over at him. “Okay then… goodnight, Kanau…”

“Goodnight, Quax… and thank you.” He gives me a soft smile before retreating to his bedroom. I go back to staring at the wall. It’s such an ugly color and doesn’t even begin to match the messily painted ceiling that looks nothing like a pink sky. Sighing, I close my eyes. Maybe sleep can aid my confused mind.

Unfortunately, my dreams aren’t so allowing tonight…

~*~

I was hiding under my bed as I heard the arguing. Zikiel wasn’t home. Mother was shouting at that man. Suddenly I was pulled out from under the bed, pressed against the guy’s body, my eyes widening in terror as I saw the gun in his hand. “Aledren,” cried my mother, “please don’t do this!”

“You were going to keep him away from me, bitch!” He aimed at her, and I could only watch as everything began to play out in slow motion. My mother fell back with a silent cry, her blood pouring out. I couldn’t hear anything, but I knew I was screaming. I could feel my throat becoming so sore as I tried to fight out of his hold, wanting to get to my mother again. He smacked me in the side of the head with the gun and I fell to the floor, my eyesight blurring. “Now I’ll show you how to behave, boy! That whore won’t spoil you anymore.”

~*~

My eyes snap open and I find myself sitting up in a cold sweat. My mother was murdered…? Aledren… He killed her? I shake my head furiously. He didn’t kill her. I’m sure of it. Am I? No… yes? “Argh, damn it!” I’m just so confused now. Zikiel? Who the hell is that??

I try to find sleep again, hopefully this time without the dramatic dreaming. But like before, that won’t be allowed…

~*~

All I can see is the gun as everything else starts to fade around me, until I see Kaddar’s back in front of me. He takes the bullet for me? “Oh shit!!” I hear Adrian shout as he starts to run off. I drop to my knees by Kaddar. “Kaddar, why did you do that…?” I slap him once. “You fucking idiot!”

He smiles up at me sadly. “I’m so sorry, Kanau…” His blood is starting to stain the ground, and my clothes too as I hold him close. The tears escape me, blurring my vision. “I still… love you…” Then all goes still. All is silent as I look at his face. “No… no, don’t do this. Kaddar… Nooo!!!”

~*~

I awaken so suddenly after seeing it all play out again. The bullet… the blood… Oh my god, all that blood… I rush to the bathroom, sprinting to the toilet as I feel whatever was in my stomach come back up. Kaddar… He died for me? He was such a bloody heap… when I finally left.

After my stomach is empty I slump against the counter, and look up at Quax standing in the doorway. No surprise I woke him up. “Are you… okay?” he asks.

Shaking my head, I whisper, “They’re both dead… all because of me…”