Gender Dysphoria: How it Feels to Live a Lie

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Chapter XII

“Open your mouth.”

“No.”

“Open your mouth and let me put it in.”

“No, Marcus. I tried that once and didn’t like it.”

“But you haven’t tried this one. Just try mine, you’ll like it.”

“No.”

“You are so stubborn. Just open your mouth for goodness sakes.” Sighing, I opened my mouth and let Marcus place a piece of lobster in my mouth. “Good, right?”

I nodded. “It’s not bad.”

Marcus and I were out at a seafood restaurant one afternoon, having a date. He looked exceptionally well with his white with red/brown striped button shirt and dark brown slacks. His face was freshly groomed and trim, hands manicured and soft to touch, and he smelled delicious. Cocky bastard knew it too. Coincidentally, I matched him with a pure white dress, brown sandals, and wood jewelry.

“What kind of lobster did you eat before that made you never want to eat it again?” he asked as he plucked out another piece of meat from the lobster shell and placed it into his mouth.

“When I first moved here, my friend Savannah and me went out for lobster. It was undercooked, rubbery, and just flat out tasted like shit. I didn’t want anymore after that.” I responded as I cut into my smoked salmon and ate it.

Marcus looked up from his plate towards me. “You’ve got a bit of tarter sauce on your lip there.”

“Oh. I’ll….” I made a move to wipe it off, but he had already leaned over the table.

“I got it.” He took his thumb and wiped the sauce away, but he didn’t sit back down. His gorgeous eyes caught mine and I was mesmerized. Apparently, so was he. His focus dropped to my lips and he leaned further in to kiss me. I wouldn’t call it an innocent kiss nor would I call it passionate. It was………nice. Really nice. Extremely nice. When he backed away, he tasted the tarter sauce on his thumb, while placing his cloth napkin back across his legs. “Mmm. That’s good. You’re blushing, by the way.”

Damn. I didn’t want that to happen. Marcus had me tied to his hip and he knew this. that’s what I couldn’t stand. I was making it too easy for him. I’m the girl here, I should’ve been playing the ‘hard to get’ card, flirting, teasing…….I just couldn’t. If Marcus were to ask me let’s have sex right now in this restaurant, I’d probably ask him “On the table or on the floor?”

“I’m blushing cause it’s hot in here.”

“It’s not hot in here.”

“You don’t think so?”

Marcus smiled. “Nope. I don’t think the heat put that blush on your face…….I did that.”

I looked at him. “Damn, arrogant today?”

“No. Confident. Just like I’m confident we’ll be together for a long time.”

***

We finally ended our date that night after going to see Lance Burton’s show on the Vegas strip. Marcus walked me to my door. “I had fun tonight. Thank you.”

“No problem. I had fun too.”

I unlocked the door to my apartment and started to make my way inside. But then I noticed Marcus’ towering shadow was behind me. I stopped and turned back around, pushing him back outside my door.

“Where do you think you’re going?”

“I don’t get to come in?”

I laughed. “No. We haven’t gotten to that point yet.”

“Well damn. You telling me after that expensive dinner and the show, I’m not gonna get any booty?”

I placed my hands out on both sides of my doorframe, blocking him out. “Nope.”

“Shit. Okay. Alright. But I’m getting close though. Our first date at the zoo, I said goodnight to you at your apartment. This time I’m saying it at your apartment door……” he lifted my chin up so he could kiss me slowly. Then he whispered, “Next time I’ll be saying it from under your bedsheets.” He backed away and started to walk down the hall. My eyes watched his ass—watched HIM AS, sorry—he turned the corner towards the elevators. I was so absorbed, I almost didn’t hear the whistling. I looked across the hall and saw Savannah standing outside her door, a big ass grin on her face.

“Who was that walking piece of artwork?” she asked me, fanning herself.

“That was my……friend Marcus Corel.”

“well, you scored the jackpot with that one, Gwenie-poo. Cause he is aaaallllll man. He has nice legs too.”

I smiled. “How do you know that?”

“I know clothes. And the clothes he had on were made to specifically fit his body. The tailoring on his slacks was magnificent. You could easily see the outline of his large, muscular thighs, the rock hard ass, the…….”

“I get the point, Savannah.” I laughed.

“Sorry. Got caught up there for a moment. You two are just friends?”

“Yeah, well we just met. I don’t want to push things too fast.”

“Honey, it looks like Marcus is ready to push it further and beyond. I heard what he whispered to you. Hell, I vote give it to him. Cause if I wasn’t happily with Ian, I’d be all over his back…….. his delectable front…………………his left side, his right side ……”

“Goodnight, Savannah.” I called out as I walked back into my apartment.

“G’night, Gwenie-poo.”

***

“Georgie?” I heard a female’s voice say to me as I slept.

“Hm.”

“Georgie, honey?”

“What?” I answered, but went completely still once I did so. How the hell did my voice get so deep and………mannish? I was laying on my side and I could feel this ‘woman’ kissing me across my back.

“I just put the kids to bed. We’ve got three hours until Cody wakes up wanting another feeding. Maybe we should take advantage of this time. What do you think?” she snuck her hand around, reached under my boxers—why am I wearing boxers?—and took an immodest handful of ‘me’.

I jumped. “Whoa!” I quickly got out of bed and stared shocked and confused at the voluptuous red head who still lied in bed.

“What’s the matter, baby?”

I looked down at myself and could’ve nearly fainted. I’m flat chested……no hips….. no curves what so ever. I was a man! I ran inside the adjacent bathroom and closed the door behind me. Looking in the mirror. Aside from the gold wedding ring on my finger, I saw cropped hair, a symmetrical face, broad shoulders, and faint facial hair. I screamed.

The door opened. My ‘wife’ walked in. “Is everything alright?”

I placed a hand over my mouth. “I’m a man.” I whispered.

The woman nodded as she slowly approached me. “Yes you are. Quite the man indeed.” She smiled at the double entendre. She wrapped her arms back around me and pressed me close to her body. “Now come back to bed and mama ravage you.”

Eyes the size of lemons, I gasped. “Oh dear God.”

“Ah!” I jumped awake. Sweating and panting for air, I frantically ran my hands over my chest—breasts were there—down my sizes—hips were there—and through my hair—still down my back. I sighed and dropped back on the bed. It was a dream. All just a dream. This wasn’t the first time either. Lately I’ve been having trouble sleeping at night, because I’d keep getting these dreams of me as a man. It’s in different situations, but I’m always a man. The night before, I was at home in Florida. My father and I were working on his truck in the driveway…….together. In my dream, we got along perfectly. We laughed, we joked, we expressed affection for one another. The night before that, I was in high school again and I was popular. People liked me, they wanted to be around me. No one questioned what I was or my sexuality.

I had no clue what was going on with me or why now all of a sudden it began. I stayed up the rest of the night.

That following morning was my first appointment with my psychiatrist Dr. Moore before my SRS. Dressed in khaki shorts, a fitted red t-shirt, tennis shoes, and my hair tossed in a ponytail, Savannah volunteered to take me to the office building at four o’clock.

“Miss Pillman?” the secretary called to me as me and Savannah sat in the waiting room.

“Yes?”

“The doctor is ready for you. Just go right through this doors.” The woman pointed to the polished wooden door near her desk.

I stood up. “I’ll wait here for you.” Savannah told me with a smile.

I smiled back. “Okay.”

I walked inside the office and was met with a mid-thirties blonde woman with a bit too much makeup on, but a very friendly smile on her face. She was seated with her hands in her lap once I came in, but soon stood up and extended her hand to me when I got close enough. “Hello Gwendolyn. I’m Dr. Moore.”

I took her offered hand. “Hello. How are you?”

“Fine thank you. Please, have a seat and we’ll get started.” I complied.

For an hour, we talked—I did the most talking—about everything from my childhood, my relationship with my father, and then of course the main reason I was there.

“At what time in your life did you figure out you were transgender?”

“Well, I’ve guess I’ve always known. There wasn’t a certain time in my life that it just hit me. I was a girl. My mentality was like a girl. My likes and dislikes were like a girl. My actions were like a girl. When I was young, I referred to myself as a girl and when I got older, would refer to myself as a woman.”

“When you were back home in Florida as a boy, what did you see or feel when you looked at yourself in the mirror?”

I laughed dryly. “Um……have you ever seen where two children would be together and one would try to watch tv, but the other one got up and blocked her view of the screen? And whenever she would move to see around him, he would move still blocking her view?” Dr. Moore nodded.

“My youngest son does that to his siblings all the time.”

“That’s how it was for me. It felt like the true me, the female me, was trying to see herself for the first time, but her male self kept blocking her view. I didn’t get rid of him until I ran away.”

“Now, I’ve had sessions with many transgender people and have heard many different reasons as to why they want this surgery. Why do YOU want this?”

“I’ve done a lot of research on being transgender on the internet. I’ve also heard many reasons. I’m here to tell you, I didn’t spend my years getting teased, hated, beat up on, and fighting for a penny, just for easier sex. Don’t get me wrong though, that is a reason, but it’s not on the top of my list. I want this SRS for me. It’s my completion. A vagina is not just a sex organ. It’s what makes a woman a woman. It’s the ultimate classification of femininity. I’ve fought too long and hard to wind up as half the woman I desire to be.”

“Very good, Gwen. and let me ask you this, do you consider being transgender as a sickness or a birth defect formed during conception?”

“I’ve never considered myself as sick. The thought had never crossed my mind. I thought that it was something that happened before me, you know? Something that glitched before I was even born. Then I went to the library and read up on it. I found out that I was right. It’s a glitch. When babies are made, all embryos are female—mentally and physically— complete with a type of mound in the genital area. As time goes on, an enzyme comes along and determines whether that embryo will be male or continue to be female. When it determines it’s male, the female parts fall away, leaving room for the male mental and physical to grow. When you’re transgender, the enzyme determines you’re male and the physical part of you changes, but the mental does not. You’re mind is still that of a female.” I shrugged. “That’s what I believe.”

Dr. Moore nodded. “Quite the theory. I’ve also heard that. So then if it was a glitch and you were really meant to be a boy, why not just stay a boy and adapt yourself?”

“Because it’s easier to change the way your body looks. It’s not easy to change your entire way of thinking. I can’t make myself love women. I can’t make myself like fixing up trucks. I can’t make myself like ties and tuxedoes. I cant do that.”

“Fair enough.” A ding sounded from the timer on her desk. “Well, the hour has come and gone. Today’s session is over. However, I would like to ask you one last question, Gwen.”

“Okay.”

“You have a boyfriend?” she smiled at me.

I laughed. “Ahhhh….well….a friend. His name is Marcus. We’ve been talking and he’s ready for a relationship, but……I don’t want to rush things.”

“Then by all means, take your time. Get a feel of who he is. Find out if he’s okay with transgender people. Because you don’t want another episode like the one you told me about with that Carlos fellow.” She began to write something down on a sheet of paper. When she was done, she removed the paper from her clipboard and handed it to me as we both stood from our seats. “Here. Take this and keep it somewhere where you can find it. This is one of the two papers you’ll need to give to your doctor when the time comes for your SRS, okay?” I nodded. “Good. Now, when you leave, the secretary will schedule another a day for your second appointment.”

I extended my hand and the doctor shook it. “Thank you, Dr. Moore.”

“You’re quite welcome. Have a good day.”

When I left the office and got my schedule day from the secretary, Savannah stood, stretching her legs and walked with me out the building.

“So how was it?” she asked once we got into her car.

I buckled my seatbelt. “One down, one more to go.” I smiled.




Author's Note: The information Gwen gave about how a person can be transgender, I found off of a documentary on HBO. It's been a while since I've seen it, so I hope i got it right. Also, it's only theory. So, dont set it in stone as the absolute truth, kay?

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