Unforgivables

Each day passed by exactly as the last at my aunt’s house. Nothing was out of the ordinary. They had come back. The voices had. Ever since I had left they had been there. Talking to me again. I’d gotten used to them not being there. Used to being able to just be with that one person who could make everything go away. At my aunt’s house there was no place for me to go to make them leave. I’d been everywhere in the two weeks I had lived in her house and not one of those places had silenced them.

Three weeks. It had been three weeks. My aunt was instructing her new servant how to make something in front of me where I sat at the counter. Maybe just once. Maybe if I asked her she would take me there just one more time. I just needed it one more time. Just needed them to be quiet one more time, needed everything to go away one more time, and I needed to see him one more time. I knew it was stupid. I knew that no matter how many times I said that to myself there would always be a ‘one more time’. Especially when it came to seeing him.

“Can we go back?” my voice had returned to usual also. I no longer would let smiles slip or snap right back at people. I’d gone back to the subdued little person I had been before. That weak person that I had been before. I hated myself for it but...that was all I was able to be. “To the hospital?”

My aunt stopped in her lecturing and gave me what I liked to refer to as ‘the eye’. It was how I knew I had asked something truly ridiculous. She shoed the new woman out of the kitchen and again her eye was on me. “What do you mean? You want to actually go back there? I finally get you out of that place and you want to go back? If you think you are so crazy then take yourself back.”

I lowered my head. She made it sounds so horrible. “I want to...see someone...” I told her. “Someone I never got to...say goodbye too.”

She laughed. “Goodbye? Christopher those people don’t know what that means. I swear I don’t know why you were even in there with them. After being around you this long sure you are a little quiet and reserved but you are nothing close to crazy. Those people over there are and it is best to forget about them.”

“All I want...is to say goodbye.” I persisted, never lifting my head to see her. “Please?”

It was silent in the room a moment. “Alright. Go tell them to get the car ready and we’ll go if you want to so much.”

I slid from my chair and left the room. I could feel her eyes on me. It was an uncomfortable gaze. One you don’t want to be under. I quickly left the room and ran out to the garage where the car was. Every time I turned around she was looking at me as if I were planning something, or she were planning something. Either way I didn’t want to be under eye for to long. “We’re going to town.”

To say the least I was nervous. I wanted to prove to myself that I could do this but more than anything I wanted to prove to him that there were people in this world who would come back for you. To show him that I actually did care about him and most of all...I didn’t want him to hate me.

The white building came into view and my hands began to fidget with the bottom of my shirt. My aunt tapped my hands telling me it wasn’t proper to fidget but at that moment I didn’t care what was proper and what wasn’t. The car stopped and I just sat there staring at the walkway to those brown doors.

“Are you going to go in?” my aunt asked from behind me. “Let me tell you that I am not going in there with you and I did not come all this way just for you to tell me to turn around. Now you are going to go in there and you are going to do what you came here to do or so help me you’ll have chores up to your ears.”

I rolled my eyes and opened the door. The path seemed to stretch in front of me from excitement and yet I was there all to fast because of my fear. I let the knob turn beneath my hand and stepped inside. The smell came rushing back to me as the door slid heavily shut behind me. There was a nurse at the desk who was smiling at me as I walked up to her.

“How can I help you?” she asked me. She was way to cheerful to work in a place like this. When I had been in here, on the other side of that white door behind her, I had truly believed that people like her were the crazy ones. I still did.

“I would...um, like to see someone.” I told her and she nodded getting out a big red book. I assumed she wanted his name because she just sat there staring at me. “Brian Kar.”

She didn’t even need to open the book to know that one. “Brian Kar isn’t here anymore. He turned eighteen last week and that means he had to leave.”

It took a moment for those words to register in my head. He was gone? For good? I finally got the chance to prove something to him and he was gone? No! No! No! This couldn’t be happening! “Do you...know where he went?”

“Even if I did we aren’t allowed to give out that information.” she told me and then slapped that goddamn smile on her face. “Thank you for coming to see him though. I hope you have a nice day.”

My mind had stopped working besides the fact that I knew to move my body to the car. He was gone. He was really gone. Getting into the black car I just sat there. My aunt was looking at me but for once in her life she said nothing. The look on my face must have said enough. I was shocked beyond all reason. How could he be gone? How could he have just left like that? It wasn’t fair! Life just wasn’t fucking fair!

As we pulled back up to the house there was a moving truck there. I assumed all my things were in it. It was a long drive from the McKinney far to my aunts house, that and my aunt had only called them recently. There were people at the house to. People I didn’t recognize from our distance. My eyes widened seeing that long blonde hair. They were all there! The family I had been with for nearly three years were all there standing in the yard! My eyes widened, if possible, further seeing Nicholas there also. The person who had said they would come see me long before.

I got out of the car on shaky legs and Jenna ran to me. Her arms wrapped around me and then all of a sudden Annabell was with her. I couldn’t move. They were right there. Hugging me. Making me feel safe for the first time in three weeks. I never wanted it to end.

“Kit are you okay?” Annabell asked me as we walked back to the house. “We haven’t heard from you in a long time. All of us tried to get through up there but they said you couldn’t call and talk to people. We wanted to come visit but, and we were going to tell you this on the phone, the barn burnt down and we had to spend time rebuilding it. Good think my aunt and uncle were still there. Shadow knocked over a canteen right in front of my dad. It was the strangest thing. We think he misses you.”

Slowly all of that information sunk in. They had tried? That was better then nothing. But why couldn’t they have called me? I saw a bunch of people who got phone calls. Whatever. The doctors were weird in that place so it most likely had something to do with that. “I can’t believe...you are all here.”

“Of course we are.” Hannah said.

“Why wouldn’t we all come?” Megan asked. “After all we wanted to hear stories.”

“Can it.” Nicholas hissed at them and then smiled at me. “Nice to see you again Kit.”

I nodded to him. It was different. Around him the voices lessened but they didn’t go away. Maybe I had been so amazed with them lessening at the beginning that I had thought they had gone away. After all it wasn’t that often that they got quiet...let alone went away.

“Well, how about we all go inside and I can have Jasmin make us up some tea?” my aunt asked. “That way we can all get acquainted.”

Everyone decided that was a good idea. I didn’t follow. I knew what would happen if I went in there. The noise level would reach an all time maximum, especially with Marcus and Mike in there. That would not be pretty. I watched them all go to walk in but Nicholas stopped and looked back at me. He turned and watched all the others go inside before walking up to me.

“You’re not gonna go in?” he asked.

I shook my head. “To loud.”

That made him smile. “How about we take a walk? You can show me around.” I nodded and we began to walk again. “I was afraid you wouldn’t want to look at me. After all I did promise I would come see you and I did try. My mom told me once the barn was finished I could come up. Then we got a call from your aunt and here we are.” I didn’t know what was better. Being with Nick and having the voices lessen or being with Brian and having them go away completely but every once in a while having one of them scream at me to get away. “You aren’t mad are you?”

I shook my head. “No. It’s okay.”

It was silent a moment and I knew Nicholas was studying me. “Are you okay? That must have been hard, being in there. I don’t think that I would have come out of there okay at all. Maybe even more screwed up.” I frowned and he caught himself. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that. I meant me. You...you’re just as quiet as always. You’re still Kit.”

“I’m fine.” I answered his first question. “And it was okay. There were people who made it...bearable.”

“That’s good.” his arm bumped mine and I knew he was getting closer to me. That was another thing that was different. Nicholas was slowly working his way towards holding my hand. Brian had more often then not just down right grabbed my hand and held on for dear life. “If you ever want to talk about it. I’ll listen. Though, I guess,” his hands slipped with mine. “You have your aunt now don’t you?”

A blushed crossed my face and I lightly turned my head from him. “I don’t want to talk to her.”

His fingers parted mine and our hands laced together. “Why not? She seems like a nice enough person.”

“Reasons.” I muttered. “The way she looks at me.” this was nothing like holding hands with Brian. With Brian I was uncertain. Didn’t know what to think or expect for the first few moments. Sure I would calm down and eventually just let him hold me, or whatever, but with Nicholas...it was safe. Then again, with Brian things were safe too. With Brian everything was safe. He made everything about me safe. With just one touch he could make everything go away.

“Well,” Nicholas sighed and I glanced at him through the corner of my eye. “You’ve got me. And you have aunt Jenna and all of them too. We’re all here for you if you ever want to talk.”

My head nodded on it’s own accord. “Yeah...you aren’t gone.”

He must have picked up on the tone in my voice because he stopped walking and face me, his hand still laced with mine. “Kit? Seriously what is the matter? I can see it in everything you do. Something is really wrong.”

“It’s just...” I started but close my mouth. “Nothing. It’s nothing.”

When we made it back to the house everyone was still inside. Nicholas slipped his hand from mine as we entered the door and we headed for the living room. I could hear everyone from where I was just at the front door let alone going in there. Still, I followed Nicholas in trying to get a hold on my head so I could stand it. Amazingly when I entered the room most of the talking stopped.

“Kit!” Morgan jumped up. “We get to stay the night!”

My eyes widened. “Really?” How many times had my aunt told me that house guests were her least favorite thing? Clearly she was making an exception for some reason.

“I have tons of extra rooms in this house. It used to be a small Inn so there is no problem with it really. I’ll have some of the maids get your rooms ready.” she stood and was gone before anyone could say a word.

Jenna motioned for me and I walked over to her. She smiled and pat the seat next to her so I sat and she wrapped an arm around me holding me close. My head dropped to her shoulder and I closed my eyes. It felt so nice. “How are you liking it here?”

“It’s okay.” I muttered softly. No talking. I just wanted to sit there and fall asleep. No talking, no moving, no nothing. I just wanted the day to be over.

Her hand ran through my hair again. “You haven’t changed much. That’s a good thing. You’re still Kit and that is what matters.”

Still Kit? I didn’t even know who the hell I was at that moment. I didn’t know who I wanted to be or what I wanted my life to be like. I knew I wanted something. I knew that. And I knew what that something was.

Turns out that something didn’t want me as much...


A/N : I wanted to make this chapter longer, and I actually made it a little longer then the others, but if I went any further then it would most likely wind up being like twenty pages long. Have to stop myself now before I go into writing over load and just get the whole story out in this chapter. Writing this story is like eating sunflower seeds. Eventually I have to cut myself off before it is all gone. *smile face*

- A wise man once said : “I don’t know. Ask a woman.”