.Annie's Stories

Annie CXXIX Adult Learning

Following a false ‘kitty loose in the house’ scare, Annie realized that if she kicked it, Lurch would have to live life without her care, her influence, her memory. She isolated the critical skills she offers her lord and master on a regular basis. From this, she fashioned an adult learning curricula and offered the schedule. 

Ray was disinclined to attend, though his mother was enthusiastic about borrowing the course for use with unnamed student(s).

1. She Has The Remote. An introduction to the support group of men who’ve lost their identity and question their gender roles. Two weeks of role play exercises to find the inner man when watching Oprah while the game is on.

2. Where Did I Put The Keys? Three weeks of mental exercises to help remember your own actions, starting with visualizing everything you did when you entered the house. A presentation on why swearing and throwing things is not a search technique.

3. Lifestyle Preferences. Buying flowers for women in your life is not a sign that you’re gay. There are 363 days in the year besides Valentine’s and Mother’s Days. Seven lectures and one craft workshop to construct a calendar. 

4. Modern Inventions: An audio-based course that can be taken during a commute. Six tapes explaining the function of clocks and telephones, with testimonials from men who somehow realized they were not going to be home on time AND discovered a way to communicate this fact to pets and loved ones who foolishly expected dinner to be at dinner time.

5. Evolution of the adult male. Does man have the genetic potential to hear a close personal friend make a grammatical error and not point it out AND correct her with what she should have said, even when she’s clearly upset and needs a friend more than a pedantic asshole? Four class sessions and an exam. Shock therapy offered as a study aid.

6. Virility – Shopping With a Woman is Not Emasculating. Escort her proudly. She’ll wear that dress to look good for you, you manly thing. She’s in the dressing room thinking of how YOU will see her in those clothes, though she knows your fashion sense froze in the 70’s. And holding a woman’s purse proves you’ve attracted a mate, stud. Seventeen class sessions and field work to defeat urban myth. 

7. Toilets are not Klein Bottles. There is an inside, and an outside. Only one side is appropriate for pee. One class and seven lab practicals in varying light levels. Little floating targets available as necessary.

8. Nutrition. The grill will not explode if the meat cooks beyond ‘rare.’ Group study. BYOB

9. Chocolate. The purchase of chocolate is the single most important stimulus of the international economy. As Hershey goes, so goes the nation. Economic theory and practical application supplied by the instructor. Students must supply demonstration chocolate.

10. Cages. Incarceration of loved ones is a terrorist act that does demonstrate your lack of masculinity. Threats get caged for safety’s sake. If you’re afraid of a helpless sylph, you’re not a Real Man. Independent study guidelines supplied, group discussion at bedtime nightly.