Return Ticket To Stockholm

On the last chapter, I got the following responses:

>and that overheard convo! holly molly! really? for a bit i was seriously thinking that brennan just didnt give a shit about ryo at all. apparently i was wrong...

>OHHH:(, that really sounds final. Like he really doesn`t care at all about Ryo. I guess that means no happy end.

...and I was more than a bit surprised that people are taking such fundamentally different things away from it, but then I re-read it and realized there are hints for both. This chapter won't clear that up, sorry. What it will do is bring a scene some people have been waiting for for a while now. ;)

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

 

A Changed Perspective Stays Changed Forever

It was mid-December, and it was a Tuesday; Ryo was pretty sure of this because of the shows that were on TV. Not that he was watching it; no, he was sitting on the window sill, reading the last few pages of a book and making the most of the wintry sun- but he had had it on earlier, had watched a little bit of news, and some of the shows that had been announced for that night rang a bell and let him know what day it was.



Tuesday.



Everything had started on a Tuesday, hadn't it? His life had changed, and if he was honest his old life had ended, on a Tuesday in September. He was certain of it now; whatever was going to happen to him and around him, it wouldn't bring him back to what had been- and that was scary in a sense, because he didn't know where else it could carry him. His future was blank; empty; white fog; while he had a few ideas of what was not going to happen he had none concerning what might.



But nobody seemed to be rushing him, so there was that. Not even Blainn was trying to make any plans, despite all his talk about getting Ryo back on his feet... and while it was weird to exist in this building as some sort of living ghost, invisible to most people as they were to him and irrelevant to those who did see him, it was also good.



It was rest.







Slipping off the sill to put the book back with the others, Ryo wondered what to do next and found he didn't feel like looking at this room any longer, felt like leaving it, just like that. Of course he left the room on a regular basis, went outside with Blainn almost daily where he sometimes smoked and sometimes didn't and occasionally kicked a pebble back and forth- but he'd only ever felt safe because the redhead was there and preventing him from getting in trouble again. Yes, he knew that the open door meant there wasn't any trouble to get into, but that was something he'd had to keep telling himself, something that had never seemed to sink in no matter how many times he thought it.



And now he found that at some point it had stopped being a mental exercise and become a reasonable assumption, obvious, rational; he hadn't noticed it happening but it had, so he put on his shoes and ventured out into the world... or at least the hallway. For now, he figured, that was as good as the same.



He turned right, the usual way, because to the left lay the worst place he'd ever been, the worst moment of his life, and he wasn't sure he'd ever be ready to head that way. His shoes squeaked a bit on the wooden floor, not a lot but still loud and graceless in this silent place, and he liked that because he felt that it announced his presence to anyone who might need to know he was coming. Passing the elevator, he slowed when he noticed that one door was cracked- nearly stopped when he realized he heard voices and only continued on at all because he thought he recognized one as Blainn's, muffled though it was.



When he got there he stopped, unsure of what to do; curious if it was the redhead, but hesitant to walk in on people who might be strangers after all and less than happy to see him.





"...Come in or piss off, Rye."



The shoes did indeed announce him, it seemed- and Blainn did sound less than happy, but he'd said to come in, that had to mean it was okay, right? So Ryo cautiously pushed the door open, feeling apprehensive but refusing to back down, and slipped in.



It was the weird storage-and-doctor's room he had been in before, and there was another man in here with Blainn, but the first and foremost thing Ryo noticed was blood everywhere. Most of it on Blainn's clothes, a lot of it on rags that might have been white at some point, a fair amount on the guy's face and in his hair... but also some of it on the other guy, who seemed to be trying to stitch him up.



"Jesus."



"What," the redhead grouched and turned to look at Ryo, revealing a large gash over his eyebrow and an eye that was swollen halfway shut. "Head wounds bleed like a bitch. You din't know that?"



"Especially if you're dumb enough to get three of them." The other man was more or less ignoring Ryo, hadn't looked up or acknowledged him at all, but the voice was familiar- he couldn't tell after all this time, but maybe he was the one who had strip-searched him that night, in this room. Maybe this guy had seen him naked. Hey, how's it going, still sticking your fingers up people's asses?  Ha... awkward.



"Dumb, yeah, tha's it. Cuz I jus' fell down the fuckin' stairs three times. Rye-" Blainn grimaced at something the man was doing- "meet Eric, resident nurse. Ow." He showed his teeth in what was probably supposed to be a grin. "He don't like to be called that."



Careful not to get dragged in on this, Ryo didn't comment. "What happened, did you lose?"



"If I'd lost I wouldn't be sittin' here."



"No," this Eric guy said, "you'd be lying here, but bleeding all over my things just like you are now."



"I wouldn't be, if Ken had backed me up," the redhead hissed back.



"Speaking of which, where is he?" The man was obviously taking pot shots here, but it was hard to follow because Ryo had no clue who they were talking about- someone Blainn had problems with, apparently. "Did you let him out of your sight?"



"He stayed in town." This seemed to be a horrible thing, somehow.



"Mhm. Because your girl has time today, now?"





Ohhhh- suddenly, things made a lot more sense. "Is this the guy who's after your girlfriend?"



"I tole you it ain't as easy as all that." Wincing when Eric dabbed at one of his gashes with an antiseptic, Blainn seemed unusually... deflated. "She ain't my girlfriend."



"I... I thought she liked you?"



"She likes me fine," the guy said and didn't sound entirely blissful.  "But she's in the horizontal business, y'know? An' that just ain't for me." He looked away and shrugged sullenly. "An' I'm in the cuttin' people business, an' that just ain't for her."



Wow, that- wow. Ryo could definitely see both sides in this. "...But why would she spend time with this other guy instead? He's... in the same business as you, yeah?"



"Cuz she's mad at me. I stood her up, see, an'-" he pointed up at his beat-up face before he continued. "...an' she knows the sorta thing I stood her up for."



"Women are capable of anything when they're mad," the other guy offered helpfully.



"Shut up, nurse," Blainn said, jaws clenching, hands tightening into angry, helpless fists. "Ow."



"I'll leave you sitting here with the needle dangling off your face," the other man said camly. "Leave it to him to patch you up."



They both glanced up at Ryo, and to his surprise the redhead actually offered a weak smile. "I guess I'ma leave it open, then."



"Your girl will love that. Trying to make it easy for Ken, are you?"



"She don't like him!" The answer was equal parts furious and desperate. "No matter what I look like, she don't like him."



"Well, he can always pay for it."



Jesus. Ryo couldn't say which was worse- that it was true or that the man would be rubbing it in Blainn's face like that; both seemed hard to take. He wasn't surprised that Blainn's knuckles turned white at the words, that his breath was slow and deliberate through gritted teeth.



"You better hadn't swing at me, kid."









Eric cut the thread, leaving Blainn looking like he had barbed wire across his forehead, and went looking for something in a drawer. "Shit." Rooting through the shelves next, the man made a face. "I'll be right back," he said, and left.



Once he heard the *ding* of the elevator, Ryo relaxed. "He's... a bit of a dick?!"



"Nah, he's alright. I don't have a problem with 'im. He jus' likes to piss me off sometimes." True to form, the redhead managed a crooked smirk-thing. "Can't say I never do that."



That was true, and fair enough. "So this ...Ken sleeps with the girl you like?"



"Not a lot," Blainn said, pretending that made it better and clearly not believing himself.



Ryo stood around for a moment, at a loss for words- what could he say to that? What could anyone say to that? Nothing. "Hey," he finally offered, "I'm going to head back. Want to come by and play a game?"



"Yeah," the redhead grunted and gingerly touched his stitches, wincing when his fingers caught on a knot, "yeah, let's shoot something."









Blainn's life was amazingly fucked up, Ryo thought as he wandered back- every time he got a glimpse of it, it ended up looking even worse. And yet the guy didn't seem to question any of it; he knew that things were utter shit but also that it was what it was. Hated Ken and Yuri instead of hating life in general. Was that a coping mechanism, too? Probably. Maybe everyone had those. Maybe it was alright to make sense of life in a way that... that enabled you to keep going instead of despairing and giving up in the face of how complicated and awful and wrong it often was.





It wasn't until he'd taken his shoes off and curled up on the couch with a video game controller that Ryo realized he'd spent the last half hour thinking about anything but his fears- the presence of the not-nurse had been embarrassing instead of terrifying, and he'd even walked back by himself and been too busy thinking about Blainn's problems to worry about his own. Feeling accomplished, he settled in to kill some aliens.

 

____________________





 

Ryo nearly missed the click of the door over the sounds of his video game, but only nearly- that sound had once been much too crucial for so long that he didn't think he'd ever be oblivious to it again. Glancing up, expecting Blainn, he was startled to meet Brennan's eyes instead. The man still had this way of looking at him, this strangely intense gaze that had nothing to do with a stare, was much subtler than that and still made Ryo feel as though he'd forgotten to put clothes on that morning. But how could he have acted on that, even if he'd been sure he wanted to- how could he acknowledge it at all? Brennan never actually did anything, barely talked to him beyond a polite greeting, just looked at him funny and moved on, and for all Ryo knew that was just his way of looking at people.



He rarely came around these days, and only ever to find the redhead; sometimes they left together, sometimes they exchanged a couple of words, sometimes Brennan stuck around and discussed something or other at length without ever going into any details as to what it was.



One thing that never happened was for him and Ryo to end up alone.



Maybe that was intentional, although on whose part was anyone's guess- but that made it all the more strange to have him in the room now, to see him come in as far as the desk and lean on the corner of it, clearly not looking for anyone who wasn't here. Suddenly ill at ease, Ryo got up to turn the game off and put the controller away, and then he just stayed where he was because he wasn't comfortable enough to sit down again, waiting for the man to speak.





"There's another missing person's report," the smooth voice said as if that was something Brennan discussed all the time, and maybe it was. "Do you want me to deal with it, or would you rather do it yourself?"



"Another-?"



"There was one back in September that I had someone take care of. Did you never wonder why you weren't contacted when you started using your bank account again?"



"I... I just figured there wasn't one."



It was a sad, sad thing to admit to, he knew, but it was the truth and he didn't see the point in trying to keep up appearances anymore... not here. Brennan had seen him at his most pathetic, knew there was nothing impressive about him, and considering he'd been here close to two months and had never asked to use a phone or a computer or even to leave the house  -had only asked for a card to send to his relatives for Christmas- it was no use pretending that he was very close with anyone at all.



"Well, there was. And now there's another one, both, incidentally, filed by someone named Phillip Watts."



"Phillip?" Really? Ryo would have bet good money that he of all people was too disorganized and too perpetually high to do that, but apparently he had- and not only once, but twice.



"Yes. Redeems him a little, doesn't it?"





...That wasn't right. Something about it was off, and at first Ryo didn't know what, but the longer he thought about it the more he realized that the worst the guy had ever done -unless you counted his drug habit- was show up late to work. That was hardly damning, was it?



"He doesn't need to redeem himself," he said slowly, trying the thought on for size. "If there's anyone in this whole mess who can't be blamed for what happened, it's Phillip." Since Brennan didn't seem about to interrupt or disagree Ryo continued on, caught up in this new feeling of clarity- "...and you know that. You always knew it- that was just one more thing where you were fucking with my head."



Everything had been misleading- some things deliberately, some coincidentally, but nothing, nothing, nothing had been straightforward and true. So why would this have been? It seemed obvious now that it was yet another mindfuck.



He looked at Brennan and suddenly found the guy's blank expression unbearably condescending, not only indifferent but smug enough to start something hot and hateful in the pit of his stomach. "He didn't do anything wrong. ...And neither did I. You fucking killed someone, you murdered someone and kidnapped me, and you had me thinking I only had myself to blame! That's bullshit!" The heat in his stomach was growing, offered to wash him away, and he let it. "And you can't tell me you honestly thought I was a cop- come on. Look at me. Look at what happened. Do I really look like I was trained for that sort of job?! You knew I wasn't!"



"I'll have to disagree with you there," Brennan said calmly, as if Ryo wasn't on the verge of yelling at him. "I've seen some complete rookies try to work undercover. Sometimes they get this desperate."



"You disagree with that?! What, you agree with everything else? Jesus!" Ryo ran both hands through his hair, trying to wrap his mind around that. It was unbelievable- no, actually, it wasn't. He could believe it, he totally could; no amount of fuckery was too big to imagine anymore. "So you're seriously telling me you thought I might be a threat? Really? Me? You expect me to believe that you didn't just keep me here because you could force me to-"



"Hold it." Even though Brennan's voice was calm it was sharp enough to shut him up. "I didn't force you to do a single thing while you were here."



"What?! You fucked me just about every other day, what do you call that?"



"I don't remember 'forcing' you to go along with any of it."



"Right, it was only perfectly clear that-" he fell silent in mid-sentence, thunderstruck, when it occurred to him that everything he'd thought to be true, every conclusion he had come to, had only been his own interpretation and usually wrong. Everything had been misleading.





...Everything.







With a disbelieving, desperate huff he turned to the window, leaned on the windowsill and stared at the buildings outside with unseeing eyes. It couldn't be true. Couldn't, couldn't, couldn't. If there was any justice in the world at all then that was a lie, then that was Brennan trying to make himself look better; murderers still looked down on rapists, right? Maybe the man just didn't want to admit it. Maybe he was even lying to himself.





...But Ryo couldn't pretend he didn't remember how Brennan had seemed to wonder if he was really giving in, or all those times the guy had wanted him to roll over but let it go. The truth was that there had been suggestions, insistent ones, yes- but no orders, no explicit threats. Everything had been implied and then left to his own imagination.



Oh, God.





"You only stopped hurting me because I gave in," he hissed, unwilling to accept it.



"I stopped hurting you because you snapped," he was corrected. "The timing was a coincidence."



Hands curling into fists almost of their own accord, Ryo clenched his jaws until he thought he felt his teeth shift. This was beyond mind games, beyond fucked up, it was... it- he had no words. No string of obscenities was ever going to do it justice.



"You had to have known I was thinking that."





There was no response, and finally Ryo turned around to look at the man- still perched on the edge of the desk, watching him with calm, intelligent eyes. Why was he silent? Why not even so much as a denial? It would have been a lie anyway, but at least it would have been defensive. Did he think himself so above everybody else's rules and customs that accusations like this didn't even touch him?



A shrug, that was all that came, at long last.





"So that makes it alright, then. You let me go on thinking that, but you never said it outright, so you're in the clear." His blood boiling, his whole being lit up in white-hot fury, Ryo's words were strangled and labored and strangely quiet given that he felt like punching something. Or someone. "No wonder you never asked me any questions- you kept me around to have fun with, when you probably could have made me talk in, like, an hour. I mean-"



"Less."



"What?"



"Less. You would never last an hour." A smirk seemed to be waiting to crawl up on Brennan's face- and Ryo thought he might haul off and punch the guy after all if that happened, but thankfully it never did. "Are you honestly complaining I didn't have you tortured?"



"I might be less confused now!"



"Maybe. But no less traumatized."



"Y-"



"Believe me."







Yeah so maybe that was true... maybe he would have been just as fucked in the head now. Maybe it would have been pain on top of everything, making the bottom line worse.



But the lesser evil was still evil.





"That doesn't change the fact that you fucked me over big time," he said, his voice raw. "You might have had reasons, but you had no right."







There was silence after that as they stared at each other. As it stretched, that silence, and expanded until there didn't seem to be a sound left in the world, a small part of Ryo wondered how it could be that Brennan just sat there and let him get away with it. He ain't secretly a sweetheart. What made him put up with this?





"Well done." Finally, Brennan stood and turned away, walked back to the door where he stopped with his hand already on the handle.  "Have a good day, Mr. Tailor."



"That's it?! That's all you have to say?" There was bound to be a backlash eventually, but Ryo couldn't help himself.  "And stop with this 'Mr. Tailor' bullshit. Seriously- if you want to pretend that what we did was consensual, you can at least drop the formal act!"



"What exactly did you expect?" the man asked back, his voice definitely a little cooler now. "I won't apologize for protecting myself... Ryo."



He stepped aside when the door opened, but otherwise ignored Blainn coming in with some papers or mail that Ryo couldn't make out because he was too caught up, too transfixed by the situation- and the redhead caught on immediately and quietly slipped past.





"Notice how I went out of my way to let you live. I'm afraid that'll have to be good enough."











He was still staring at the closed door, shaking with something that wasn't fear for once, but anger, when the redhead patted his shoulder and surprised him with a grin. "If you ain't busy, Rye, we need to talk."



"Why did you encourage me to sleep with him?"



Even the long, serious look he got for that couldn't hide the fact that Blainn seemed utterly pleased with something. "I s'pose I did that, din't I." The pause that followed ended with a shrug. "Dunno. Guess I figured it couldn't hurt your cause. You weren't gonna get raped, but dyin' was an option, y'know?" Another shrug. "That ain't what I was gonna talk about, though."



"What is, then?"



With Brennan gone Ryo felt his anger cooling by the minute, felt himself go back to his usual subdued self... but at least now he knew his temper was still in there somewhere, or back, at least- and he knew the reality of having yelled at someone who could kill him instantly was going to catch up with him eventually, but he wasn't there yet.



"You're leavin'," Blainn said cheerfully, and if Ryo hadn't already been in the process of sitting down, that might have ended badly.



"What?! Wh- But-"





He had two large envelopes thrown at him along with some loose sheets of paper; opened envelopes that had the address torn out but otherwise looked high-quality and official, with a complicated seal for a letterhead that meant nothing to him. Bewildered, he looked inside.



One was an information package for a university; leaflets about student organizations, flyers about activities and a rather fancy little booklet about the school itself.





The other was an acceptance letter from the same, adressed to one Ryo C. Tailor.







There had been some misunderstanding, clearly. "I can't afford this," he said and felt a little sad about it- actually holding these things, actually being admitted, really drove the point home how much he had wanted this at one point.



"You sure you wanna go for math? Cuz you seem shit at it."





Startled, Ryo took a closer look at everything, made it a point to look for numbers and found a discreet sentence halfway down the page instead which confirmed that standard tuition for four years had been paid in advance. Was that even possible? And even if universities allowed it, was that even possible? That couldn't be true, neither that someone would have that sort of money nor that anyone would be willing to do this. Even if- no, especially if that someone was Brennan.



But rent, he thought and went looking for proof that this wasn't really happening. He couldn't pay any sort of rent, that was the whole reason he was sitting here! Leafing through the loose pages he found the one with numbers on it, looked at the bottom line and found it to be reasonable, possibly modest- but even so, it was a problem. He needed to have a steady income to pay any amount of rent.



But Blainn was so.. why did...? Was he missing something? Staring forlornly at the page, wondering what to look for, he was just about to give up when he noticed something off about the sum.





            Amount owed:   -$429





"Wh-" mouth suddenly dry, Ryo looked up. "Th- Is this just a, a, ...a formatting thing, or is it supposed to mean that money will be going into my account?!"



"Ah. Seems all hope's not lost for you, huh?"



"Bu...  Why would he do that? How can- is it his apartment?" Ryo thought his mind had frozen up, but it seemed his mouth could keep talking all the same, and the questions it had weren't half bad. "How can he afford that? I mean, he- and what's the catch here?"



Blainn was staring at him with widened eyes, but grinning. "You wanna run that by me one at a time?"



"Okay. Okay." Running both hands through his hair for the second time that day, although for very different reasons, Ryo found it hard to decide on one question. Jesus, these people could make his head spin. "Um... why?!"



"We're movin' house," the redhead said easily- "feds are gettin' kinda close, y'know? So we're gonna be somewhere else for a bit. An' you ain't comin'."



"So you move me halfway across the country and put me through school?"



"Well we needa do somethin' with you, don't we? If the boss jus' throws you out, how long before you sleep in a dumpster?"



"Same day," he said promptly.



"See."





That still didn't explain why either of them cared whether he slept in a dumpster in the first place, but Ryo didn't dare ask- who knew if that wouldn't make them realize that they didn't? "Okay, assuming there's some sort of understandable motivation behind this... how can he afford that?" He waved both the letter and the rent contract. "Four years? This is... six figures. Easily."



"Why wouldn't he?" the redhead asked back, honestly stumped.



"He- but he said he's just some guy along the ladder. How can he afford to just blow this kind of money?"



"He said tha'?" The redhead snorted with genuine delight.



So that, too, had been bullshit. "Is... is there anything either of you said to me that's actually true?"



"Hey- everythin' I tole you 'bout myself is God's own truth."



"How about him? Or me?"



"Well... I think 'is name did actually use to be Brennan."



"That's something, I guess." Somehow this never gets any less confusing. "So he's actually kind of a big deal?"



"Well he ain't no Al Capone, I guess. But he ain't no nameless thug neither."



"...Shit, man," Ryo said and didn't know where that came from, "triple negative. Impressive."



Eyes narrowed, the guy made to roll up his sleeves. "Listen 'ere- I heard language ain't a fixed thing, an' right is what the majority thinks is right, yeah? So we can talk this over 'til we're on the same page."



"No, no, it's cool. You win." He couldn't help laughing. "Triple negative is the new black, I get it."  When Blainn continued to glower at him, he raised his hands in a gesture of surrender and let his head roll back against the couch.





...Oh, God, he had just lost his shit and cussed at a fucking mobster- one who'd been about to offer him the opportunity to do what he'd always wanted, no less. Awesome timing. Even if he wasn't in trouble for his little outbreak -and it didn't seem like he was- Brennan was hardly going to feel like doing that now, was he? In a way it didn't matter because the offer was too out there and too sudden for him to believe anyway, but... they were moving. And he was going to be homeless after all.





"I got mad at him, Blainn," he said and couldn't look at the guy.



"Yeah, hard to miss."



He could hear the guy's grin. That didn't make sense. What was amusing about this? "I yelled at him!"



"Good on ya."



"What, because you've been trying to get me to hate him? Is that why you're so happy?" He finally looked over at Blainn who nodded, grinning, his fresh pink scars in strange harmony with the copper hair. "Yeah, fine, but you don't yell at people who offer to pay for your education."



The redhead only snorted and went rooting through his pockets; first his pants, then the jacket he'd thrown over the back of the chair, until finally he found a beat-up old pen and put it on the table. "Someone'll take care of that missing person's report, so you can get on a plane. Can you handle flyin'?"



"Are you just going to pretend I didn't flip my shit at him?!"



"It makes zero difference, Rye," Blainn said earnestly. "Now, listen. I'ma give you a couple of diazepams. Pills. But tha's for emergencies, and you won't get more, got that? So don't waste 'em." He brought the loose pages of the mock rent contract together and placed the last one on top. "He's got a real estate firm out that way, y'know? It's legit. This ain't thug housin'."



"...What's the catch?" There had to be one. Nobody just went and did this sort of thing out of the goodness of their hearts, not even people who were secretly sweethearts, much less these guys. "Are you going to show up one day and break my legs because I owe money?"



"Ha- only maybe the thigh bone, I promise."



"Is that a good thing?"



"You better believe it. Thigh bones heal." The redhead threw his pen at Ryo. "Shins, now; if you smash that shit well and good it means amputation."



"Sounds ace," he said, shuddering. "Sounds like something I want to get involved in."



"Look. Rye. Unless you wanna call one of your old friends, it's this or the shelter. By next week."















"One question, though," he asked as he watched the redhead pack up the signed paperwork, "sure, I've never made it further than highschool and I've never even seen a university up close, but -I do know you need to apply months in advance. I mean you would have had to send this out before you even knew I existed."



"Yeah, well- it's amazing how easy it is to work with people if you send'em a couple green greetings."



"You bribed them?!"



"Is tha' what it is?" Blainn's eyes were positively gleaming with mischief. "Here I jus' called it an express fee."





 

____________________

 

The underground parking garage actually wasn't so bad if you were sitting on a bag and having a smoke with someone who knew just how to tell stories to keep you stuck between being creeped out and laughing. There probably wasn't such a thing as an inherently scary place, Ryo thought as he flicked his cigarette- it always depended why you were there, and with who. Just sitting here, bullshitting and waiting for the driver to show up to take him to the airport -behind tinted windows and on a very roundabout route-, that... well, he was nervous about the whole thing, about crowds and people wanting to talk to him, but obviously this didn't compare to any other time he'd been down here. Not by miles.





Fingering the pill bottle in his pocket, hearing the quiet rattle, he told himself he'd be fine. True to his word, Blainn had given him a handful -maybe half a dozen- and although Ryo was determined to be functional from here on out and maybe even go off the antidepressants before too long, it calmed him down to know he had something just in case.



"Hey... how long am I going to be on medication, anyway?"



"Eh. SSRIs aren't really addictive, y'know? So I figure stayin' on them longer than you need to is better than not long enough."



"Not really addictive? What the hell does that mean?"



"Means you might get some withdrawal symptoms. Maybe. But no cravings."





That was fair enough, he figured. He could handle feeling like shit for a little while- if he wasn't going to crave his next fix, then it was just a matter of waiting it out. Hell, quitting smoking had been harder than that.



So he was going to come out okay, huh? There had been a time when he hadn't thought he'd live to see the end of the month, much less the end of the year, and even less a clean slate and a fresh start elsewhere- and sometimes he still found it hard to believe. He might eventually become normal again; go out, find friends... date. In a university with tens of thousands of students, there were bound to be some guys who had a thing for other guys, right? Maybe even for slightly unstable ones who looked like they bleached their hair too much.



"You know," he said absentmindedly, "you haven't called me a fag in a long time."



"...Am I s'posed to be surprised by this?" The other's cigarette butt was ground out with a little more force than it probably deserved. "I know I din't, it was me who ain't said it, wasn't it?! "





 

____________________

 

Check-in with the long lines and the security questions had been a shock after weeks and months of solitude, and Ryo was stressed and tired enough to wish he could just go back, but at the same time he was grimly pleased with himself because he had kept his shit together. Of course, it was pretty sad to be relieved that just checking in for a flight didn't cause a meltdown, but compared to the last time he had tried to brave the public, today was a huge success. Maybe, he thought and scoffed at himself, maybe one of these days he'd actually be proud of something again that was worth being proud of.





Not ready to face the security check just yet, he bought a post card and stamp from a little news stand, found a pen to put Phillip's name down and the address of the gas station and then didn't know what to say. He wasn't likely to see the guy again, was he? He wasn't likely to see anyone again- neither Phillip nor Shelly nor his boss... nor Blainn, or even Brennan.



Urgh, Brennan. Thinking about the man brought a surge of shame, utter embarrassment that he had been so... well, such a mouse. That he had submitted, fucking offered himself up, just because he'd been scared of things they hadn't even threatened him with- he was like some stupid fluffy bunny rabbit that died from a heart attack if you frightened it too much. Some fucking wimp who broke on his own account before anyone even tried to break him.

And the fact that it had been about sex made it near-unbearable.



They say you learn something about yourself in extreme situations... they don't say you'll like what you learn.

 

Shaking his head to chase the past away he finally found something to write- wasn't sure if it was a lie but figured it sounded nice.





I'm alright now. Stop looking. I'll be in touch.



-Ryo



 

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________

To troll or not to troll

to troll or not to troll

...aahhhhh I don't have it in me. -.-

If you want email notification of updates, drop me a line at attackegg@googlemail.com .