Imaginary Friend

This might be a problem?

This?

What was this?

Was I this?

I was a problem?

Pulling back, I saw him frowning and looking concerned. And that's not what I wanted. I didn't want to cause Jacob problems.

“I'm a problem?” I asked ashamedly, feeling my chest suddenly tighten.

His eyes got big and he gasped softly, shaking his head and yanking me back to his chest.

“No! God no, Abel. Jesus, that's not what I meant. Not at all.”

Jacob sighed heavily and pulled away from me, sitting down on the bed and leaning forward to drop his head into his hands. “Okay,” He muttered tiredly, palms rubbing at his eyes. With a sigh, he looked back up. “Explain to me what exactly you mean by 'I can't leave you'.”

He didn't understand? I thought he understood me. But...I had no problem explaining again. Because he had always been patient with me, so I could also be patient with him.

Slowly, as to make sure he caught all I had to say, I shifted near him and held his chin in my palms, making him look at me. I had to make sure he got it.

His cheeks got slightly red and I fought the urge to kiss him.

But, as much as I wanted to kiss him, another part of me didn't want to kiss him. When I kissed him, it was different. It made me feel all weak and fluttery inside, like never before. When I had just been a phantom, kisses made me warm and happy, but now, they made me...hot. Scorching. My whole body felt like it were about to burst. What I had thought was heat, was nothing. Heat had a whole new meaning.

Like in the shower, with that steamy warmth of the water, when Jacob had kissed me, everything got...hot. And I hadn't even understood what hot had meant. But I felt it anyway.

These new extremes were confusing and as much as I ached for Jacob, to touch him like before, I couldn't bring myself to do it. I was wary of that overwhelming display of cries and twitching that I had been reduced to when Jacob had stoked me on the bed.

Not that I hadn't enjoyed it. True, it had brought my vision to be dark and my limbs had moved on their own, and my voice had made sounds I hadn't thought myself capable of, but I had liked it.

Only, to be so...weak because of it, made me...guarded.

If something were to happen while I was in such a state, I'd be powerless to protect myself. Or Jacob. And until I grew to trust my new body, I didn't want to be so weak again.

“Abel? Are you going to tell me?”

What? Oh. I shook my head, trying to clear the stray thoughts. I had been lost while staring at Jacob's face, and now he was peering back at me, blushing more and looking so beautiful. Goodness, he was distracting. Before I could be caught up in staring at his face again, I cleared my throat.

“Listen carefully to me, for I am desperate for you to understand.”

Jacob's eyebrows rose fractionally, but he nodded.

“I need you here. In the place where I am. If I cannot see you, and it's not because of being in the Whiteness, then I...I will be scared. Never before has that happened. I was either with you, or in the Whiteness. And without that Whiteness, I feel alone. As terrifying as that suffocating place had been, I took comfort in it, because it was always there. I knew it and understood it. But this...” I cautiously look around the room. So familiar yet so foreign to me. “-I don't know this. And I'm not even close to understanding it.” My gaze found his uncomprehending eyes once more. “I don't know what will happen if you leave me alone. I don't...I don't trust the places where you are not.”

Jacob gulped nervously, and bit his lip, reaching up to grasp at my hands and gently remove himself from my grasp. “Abel...” He began.

But I cut him off. “No.” I wasn't going to give him the option. He didn't have the option. “I can't be alone.”

Alone. The very word sent shivers down my spine, and my skin grew all tingly too. Glancing down, I saw myself covered in those goosebumps. Jacob would get them when he was scared. I already knew I was scared. I didn't need my skin to tell me that.

“Abel.” Jacob's voice came again, more insistent.

I looked up and found his expression unreadable. I swallowed nervously, unable to think of what next to say.

“I can't be with you all the time.”

Suddenly, at his words, and the bleak seriousness in them, I felt a new emotion. Something dark and deep in my chest and pulling my face into a distorted hurtful way. My lips were yanked down by my own muscles, a frown, though then my eyes grew hot and itchy and wet, tears again spilling down over my cheeks.

But no, this wasn't happiness.

Happiness had been so intense it'd almost been unbearable. But this...This was unbearable. My lungs grew too small and I choked out a strangled sound, recognizing it as a sob, like I had heard from Jacob so many times when he'd been depressed or sad.

I was sobbing.

And I found myself falling forward to bury my face into the crook of Jacob's neck, my favorite place. But this time, it brought no comfort. An unholy pain in my chest had me convulsing from it, and all I wanted was to suddenly cease to exist.

“Jacob!” I managed to cry out, clinging tighter to him. “What's...?”

“Sadness.” He murmured comfortingly, petting down my back in that way that I loved. “See? I told you it was worse to cry from sadness.” He wasn't being snide or condescending, only sadly knowing. Like he regretted that I had to experience it.

“Now listen to me,” He began cautiously, still petting me. “I understand your feelings, but...you have to get over this feeling that the world will stop once I'm not in your sights. I'm not that impor-” He sighed. “That won't happen, alright? I give you my word that something like that won't ever happen. I promise you, Abel. I promise you.”

His voice calmed me, and with such a strong sense of truth and assurance in those words, I couldn't deny him. My cries quieted and I was able to pull back and meet his eyes. There was truth there as well. But, I knew he would never lie to me anyway. And I knew that if he was promising me, then I must believe it. Jacob had always kept his word.

So, even though I knew what was coming, I made myself be still for him. “What you're saying is...that you'll...be leaving me again.”

Jacob hummed sadly in his throat, then nodded, his eyes conveying his sympathy.

“I have certain things that I have to do. Everyday. Obligations I have to fulfill.”

I knew that already. I knew his life and knew he did have to complete his daily tasks, but I chose to be stubborn, grimacing sadly. “Like what?”

Jacob made a sound, somewhat disapproving. He knew that I of course knew his daily life. But he explained to me anyway, his voice soft and patient.

“Well...I have to go to work each morning. On weekends, I can stay home, you know that.”

“...Yes.” I managed, bitter and knowing the weekend wasn't for a few days.

“Okay, so, you know that I must go to work too. I could get fired if I didn't go.”

“Yes, I know that too.” I muttered, face pressed to Jacob's chest. “But I go with you to work.”

Jacob sighed, his ribs expanding and I just pressed deeper. “No Abel, you can't go with me anymore.”

“But why?” I honestly didn't understand that. I would be quiet, I would stay out of the way. What would be different from before?

As if he could read all those thoughts, Jacob sighed again, shaking his head once more. “It isn't the same as before, and you know that. You aren't my...shadow anymore. You're a person. And people can't just go around following other people like that. It's not normal.”

I was about to argue that I wasn't normal either, but...I knew it was difficult for Jacob to have to explain all this to me, so I opted to become silent. All I did was nod, hanging my head dejectedly and fighting more sadness as my face grew tight again.

“Abel,” Jacob murmured, stroking my cheek. “It'll be okay. I promise you.”

All these promises, that I had no choice but to accept because they were from Jacob, but still in my heart...I ached.

After more long moments of wordless comfort, Jacob sighed decisively, sitting up straight and moving slowly to the edge of the bed. As he stood, my heart sped up, and he glanced back at me, seeming to understand that sudden riot in my body.

“I need to get ready for work, and I'm already behind schedule, but...you can stay with me until I leave.” He grabbed a pair of boxers from his drawers and slid them on. “Okay?”

I nodded gratefully, happy to have any extra time with him before he left me, and I stumbled off the bed, managing not to trip this time and I stood all wobbly in front of Jacob. My legs felt weird. Like I wanted to sit again.

But I stayed standing.

“Uh...” He began, glancing down my body. “Don't you want to put something on?”

“What do you mean?”

Jacob gave me a long blank stare, then he turned towards the bathroom with a snort and I followed him.

He went to shut the door behind us, but seemed to think for a minute before leaving it open.

“Guess there's not much point in shutting it...”

At the toilet he paused. “We've been naked all morning and now I get shy?” Since he didn't seem to be talking to me, and more to himself, I didn't answer.

But Jacob stood in front of the toilet for a while, frowning at it. “Damn it.”

“Jacob?”

At my voice, he jumped and blushed turning his body so his front wasn't in my line of sight. “Oh jeez...this is so awkward.” Jacob whined, covering his eyes with one hand, while his other helped him aim at the toilet. “Please don't look at me while I do this.”

I tilted my head, confused. “Why not?”

Jacob's cheeks were bright red and he was shaking slightly. “Because! This is so...God, I've never had someone watch me pee before. Even old boyfriends, they were never allowed in while I was here.”

I already knew that. “But, you've never had issues before.”

He groaned loudly, shoulders hunching forward. “Oh right.” A quiet whisper. “You've been there the whole time. Shit,” He uncovered his face and gripped himself with both hands, scowling at his penis. “I think I've just lost the ability to use the bathroom ever again.”

I really didn't understand why it was so difficult for him to urinate, and I took a step towards him. “Would you like me to help?”

Jacob's head swiveled to me wildly. “No! Jesus christ, stay back!”

I paused. “What should I do, then?”

There was more quiet cursing and then Jacob took a deep breath. “Maybe...turn around?”

That I could do, and I obeyed, spinning to face the wall. “I am facing the other way, Jacob.”

No answer. Not even the cursing.

So I waited. Patiently. I knew how to be patient. I've done nothing but wait for Jacob my whole life. So, my time was not actually my own time. It was his, and I didn't want it any other way.

There was the sound of water, though not a lot of it, and Jacob began cursing again.

“Fine, whatever. I'll just go at work.” Then clothing was rustled, and Jacob was standing beside me. “I don't think I'm going to shower.” He eyed me again, staring pointedly at my stomach. “But you'll need another one.”

I looked down. My stomach was all crusty with something. Rubbing my fingers through it made it flake off in little bits. Ah. Dried semen. Jacob's. But it looked like more than usual. Oh! It was...mine too?

Yes, I remember now. I had also come. All over myself. I've never seen my own semen before. I itched harder at the dried substance, fascinated.

“Stop that!” Jacob chided suddenly.

I glanced up, hand frozen. Was I being wrong?

But Jacob looked torn between laughing and gagging. “Let me clean that off.” Then he brought a small hand towel to the sink, getting it wet from the water and he raised it to my stomach.

The warmth from the water had my toes curling and I made a cooing in my throat, not even on purpose.

Jacob did laugh then, smiling at me. “You're adorable.”

I just nodded, lost in the lovely heat on my abdomen and the soft gentle swipes of Jacob's hand guiding the washcloth over my skin.

“There you go, all clean.” He grinned at me, patting me dry quickly with another towel.

I was swiftly beginning to love towels. They did such wonderful things.

But Jacob was already turning to the sink again, focusing on himself in the mirror as he examined his chin. This I knew. I knew the morning ritual. Usually a shower, then shaving every other day if needed, teeth brushing, hair styling, and cologne.

I loved watching him do his routine. It was comforting now to see it again.

I liked knowing that not everything was different.

Jacob was currently brushing his teeth, spitting, and grinning at himself to check if he'd cleaned them well enough. And then combing through his pretty brown hair. I liked it messy, but he always wore it combed back for work. My favorite time was when he walked through his front door after a long day and messed it all up with a great big sigh of satisfaction.

“Are you coming?”

Lost in my own thoughts again, I suppose, and I turned to see Jacob in the doorway all groomed and gorgeous in his boxers, waiting for me with expectant eyes.

“Yes!” And I followed happily, back to the bedroom, where I watched him dress for work. Button shirt, dark slacks, a tie, and a jacket. Very professional.

Though, some of the men at Jacob's office had suits that looked more well-tailored, or fancier colors. But regardless of that, Jacob looked the best.

“Alright, I'm ready to go. Are you going to be okay?”

What? Already? But...It hadn't been long enough!

“Jacob...” I whined, a small plea in my voice. “Please...”

But he just shook his head. “I can't, Abel.” He wouldn't look me in the eye. “I've already explained that I have to go to work. I have an Ob-”

“Obligation.” I finished sadly.

He still wouldn't look at me, but he nodded. “Yes, now, I'll be back tonight. The usual time I get home.” Picking up his keys by the front door, he opened it and finally turned to look back at me.

For a moment, as I stared at him desperately, I thought he might change him mind and stay home with me, but instead he just shook his head as if shaking off a bug, and turned. “Bye.”

The door shut, clicking softly yet sounding like thunder as the lock engaged.

Now he was gone.

Oh god, what was I going to do?

Everything was going dark around the edges of my vision and my breathing sped up, confusing me. Was I going blind? Was there suddenly less oxygen in the room? And why did the floor feel so tilted all of a sudden?

With everything going dark except for a small tunnel I could still see the hallway through, I stumbled towards Jacob's bedroom, tripping over things and not caring what they were. At the door, I slammed it shut behind me, wincing from the loud roar it caused, then staggered to the bed.

I needed to be where it smelled like him the most.

His sheets were no longer warm from the heat of his body, but they were rich with his musk. Like a drug to my senses, I managed to climb under those sheets, piling them over me to protect me from the world. As long as I had something that reminded me of him, I would be okay. I would stay safe.

I missed him.

I needed him back.

Without him, that sadness was coming back with a vengeance. All of it spreading through my chest and then retreating with my insides pulled together all tight and restricting and making it hard to breathe. My face felt hot and like it was collapsing into itself. Reaching up, I felt my cheeks tight and my forehead all winkled. It felt like Jacob looked when he was crying. Such sadness.

I hugged my knees to my chest, grabbing handfuls of the bedsheets to bring to my nose, and I inhaled that rich familiar smell that was the remainder of Jacob's presence.

My crying quickly grew worse.

TO BE CONTINUED