Institutionalized

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Dinner came all too slowly that night; and when it finally did I decided to distance myself from Lucius. While playing cards he had casually mentioned that his mother used to play go-fish with him and his siblings when they were younger. I didn’t know how to respond, thoughts of what Scarlet had said about Lucius accidentally killing his family swirling through my mind. Finally I had said something about go-fish being a classic game or something equally lame like that. Even I could hear the weird tone in my voice and before I could register his reaction, Lucius had thrown down his cards, gotten up and walked out of the room.

I stared after him for a moment before standing up and moving to sit at the end of my bed. I was deeply conflicted...he didn’t know what I was thinking, so why had he reacted so negatively? Maybe he was mad at himself for mentioning his family? Had my reaction fuelled his reaction and if so...why? I was also mentally berating myself for thinking that way in the first place, considering what Scarlet had told me had obviously been through the grape vine a few times and I shouldn’t necessarily believe it. Besides, he could have acted like that for a completely unrelated reason.

Now, sitting in the common room for dinner, I didn’t dare look up at him sitting across the room. In fact, I tried not to think about him at all. Instead I focused on the two other people sitting at the table with me. One was the boy who had nodded at me in the hall earlier and the other was a petite blond haired girl. I had hoped to sit alone but the other two had sat down without asking, and were now in a heated conversation I couldn’t be bothered to follow. Both of them continued to ignore me, only to occasionally glance at me, making me feel like I was being scrutinized.

The only thing I could gather was that the girl was very loud and the boy was very quiet. I tried my best to ignore them too but I have to admit…the fact that they were ignoring me was also intriguing. I stared at the plate of food I had been given. It included: brown mystery meat, lumpy mashed potatoes, a yellow creamed corn tasting substance and a plain roll. I dipped the roll in the yellow stuff and ate the potatoes with my fingers. I ignored the weird meat and picked at the crust on the side of my juice cup.

“Are you eating that?” I looked up when I realized the girl was talking to me.

“Uh, no,” I replied dumbly as she stabbed the mystery meat off my plate and quickly divvied it up for her and the boy to share.

“You’re going to be awful hungry if you keep eating like that,” the boy spoke quietly but confidently.

“I’m a vegan...or I was, until I ate eggs the other day,” I replied, reminding myself of what I’d done. They both stared at me a moment before exchanging glances.

“I’m Kat, this is Danny. We already know all about you,” she said, looking me over. I glared at her.

“I highly doubt that,” I replied.

“Well, we’re not going to judge you like everyone else is, based on what we’ve heard and how you look,” Kat cut in, ignoring me.

“Isn’t that what you just did? Assume you know all about me? Anyways, I really don’t care what...”

“We’re going to be your friends whether you like it or not,” the dark haired boy challenged quietly, cutting me off.

“You can’t force me,” I say, disbelieving.

“We won’t leave you alone until you give in,” Danny vowed.

“So you’re going to stalk me?”

“Shut up!” Kat exclaimed. “Stop bickering!” Danny stuck his tongue out at me like a child, reducing my stare to a glare. “Okay...uh, Salem...Danny and I just thought that you might want some friends...or like, someone to talk to. You and Danny are both here for the same reason, he’s a cutter too,” Kat explained.

“Kat!” Danny hissed, kicking the girl under the table.

“I don’t think that’s why I’m here,” I replied, trusting that my words were true. My parents had seen the cuts a long time ago and done nearly nothing about it, but as soon as they found out about me and Kieran, they sent me away...It was much more obvious to me now that I’d had time to think about it. It was so obvious that I had to admit I’d been in denial since I’ve been here.

“Oh, well we won’t pry,” Danny mumbled into the table, unable to look at me. Even Kat looked significantly less confident.

“Really...it was just that...everyone was talking about you...and I guess we did assume we knew, or at least we believed the rumours. We’re sorry, you don’t have to tell us why you’re here,” Kat added quickly.

“That’s fine, I don’t want anyone knowing anyways,” I replied. I tried to look calm but my hands and feet were fidgeting under the table. They both stared at me wordlessly. I wanted to tell them to fuck off and die, but at the same time I understood where they were coming from. This place is a boring shit hole and I’m new...I can’t really blame people for being interested in me.

Mind you, the fact that the attention bothered me was something new. I’m generally outgoing, and back home I’d have no problem telling these people what I really thought of them. But now...I don’t know. Maybe I was grateful that they offered their friendship? I don’t even feel like myself anymore...

And as far as telling them why I’m here…well, that’s absolutely not an option. Now that I’m here, I mean in a mental institution, I can’t defend what I was doing with Kieran. In fact, I’ve never admitted to myself how wrong it is until now. The unethical part of our...”relationship”...was easier to ignore back home.

After a few minutes of silence, where Kat and Danny just stared at each other – seemingly communicating with their eyes, they finally turned their attention on me. It was another full minute of me looking between the two of them before Kat spoke.

“So, do you want to come back to our room? We have some cigarettes,” she offered, looking hopeful. I looked at Danny and he was smiling nervously.

“Okay, yeah,” I replied. I stood after they did and slowly followed behind them. I watched them closely, Kat had her arm looped through Danny’s and their heads were tilted close as they whispered back and forth. Danny shot me a look over his shoulder and I realized that they were talking about me.

I followed them into the room, which was three doors down/up from mine and to the right. Danny stepped behind me and closed the door as I glanced around. Like Mona Lisa and Lexus – they had a lot of personal stuff in their room. It was obvious which side was Kat’s since everything was either neon pink or zebra printed. Danny’s side was personal but plain...like any guys room, I guess.

“So, you’re roommates,” I stated rhetorically. “That’s kind of strange.”

“Danny’s gay, that’s the only reason we share a room,” Kat replied.

“What the hell Kat!? You don’t have to tell him everything!” Danny exclaimed, shooting Kat a look that could kill before nervously turning to gauge my reaction. I ignored them both and sat down on a zebra printed desk chair and fiddled with a jar of colourful pens and pencils that was sitting on a small desk.

“How about that smoke?” I asked after a few moments of silence. They both sat on Kat’s bed across from me. Kat reached in her end table and brought out a pack of cigarettes.

“You’re kind of rude, you know,” Kat stated, handing me a smoke. She flicked her lighter and I leaned forward, allowing her to light the cigarette for me. She lit one for herself and passed it to Danny after taking a few drags. They watched me quietly and exchanged a few unreadable glances, passing the cigarette between them, before Kat spoke again. “So...what do you think of it here so far?”

“It sucks,” I replied, examining a dual ended marker. One end was black, the other was bright pink. “Can I have this?” I asked while holding it up for her to see.

“What? No, its mine,” she said, grabbing it from my hand.

“Oh let him have it, it’s just a stupid marker,” Danny objected.

“He’s a big boy Danny, I think he can understand what no means,” she teased.

“What if he can’t understand why you’re being such a super-bitch?”

“I’m not!” she screeched indignantly. “Fine have it,” she said as she tossed the marker back. I caught it in the air with a self satisfied expression on my face. “I think Danny has a crush on you.”

“I don’t! Kat!” he defended, looking flustered.

“It’s okay, I don’t mind,” I added, unconsciously joining Kat in her teasing. She laughed as she held out a make-shift ashtray to me. I dropped my butt in and she scowled as she tried to stop it from smouldering. Danny sulked, but said nothing.

“So, are you still in school?” Kat asked, obviously trying to make conversation.

“No, I’m in a mental institution,” I replied sarcastically.

“Look, you don’t have to be like that, you aren’t the only one who doesn’t want to be here,” Kat replied, the sweet tone gone from her voice.

“Then how am I supposed to act?” I bit back.

“I don’t know, but you stop being so sarcastic and try to make the best of it,” Kat replied while glancing to Danny, who nodded his agreement.

“How could I do that? The best of what? Look, you don’t even know me, so stop telling me how I should feel.”

“We’re sorry,” Danny mumbled. Kat shot him a look of shock.

“I’m not sorry. I didn’t do anything wrong,” Kat protested.

“You’re right, you didn’t. I’m a jackass. I didn’t mean to...I mean I’m...I didn’t mean to talk to you like that,” I replied, agreeing with Kat. I was acting like an ass, I can admit that.

“You mean you’re sorry?” Kat prodded.

“Yeah, that.”

“When my parents told me I was coming here, I was scared too,” Danny said.

“I’m not scared, I’m angry. No one told me I was coming here.”

“That must have been an awkward car ride,” Kat chirped.

“No…I mean, maybe. I don’t remember. I went to sleep one night, and the next time I woke up, I was here,” I explained. They exchanged another look.

“You didn’t know? At all?” Danny asked, surprised. I shook my head in agreement.

“That is rough. At least my parents gave me two weeks notice,” Kat added. They stared at me for a moment, both looking thoughtful.

“I guess you’re not as much of an asshole as I’d originally thought,” Kat said, after a long silence...which, for me, was very awkward. I cracked a smile at her - genuine smile.

“So what do you think? Are we friend material?” Danny asked. He asked in such a way to suggest he didn’t care, yet something about his body language told me that he was insecure. I looked between the two of them, thinking.

I did like them. I liked how Kat was loud and unafraid to voice her opinion. I liked how she looked like a cheerleader, with pretty blonde hair and a fit little body, yet her attitude spoke volumes otherwise. However, I liked Danny better. I have a soft spot for emo boys – really, I do. He was quiet and reserved, yet refused to be a wallflower. Also he seemed overall like less trouble than Kat.

“Yeah, sure,” I replied. At least they were better than Mona Lisa and Lexus – who were freaks...and Lucius friends – who were even bigger freaks.

“So are we blessed by your presence, or cursed?” Kat laughed.

I ended up staying with them all night. We talked…a lot. About everything really. We talked a lot about why we were at Westwood – minus the fact that I have/had an incestuous relationship with my adopted brother. Naturally, I left that out. Kat was admitted by her parents after she tried to overdose on sleeping pills. She tells me that they give her Paxil and Zoloft, which she claims make her act like a zombie.

Danny’s parents sent him here, obviously because he’s a cutter. Which, although I never said it out loud, I thought was pretty low. He cuts himself for god sakes! He’s not a paranoid schizophrenic or anything. They give him Celexa, the same drug Lexus is on. I think it’s mostly used for people with body image problems, although it is an anti-depressant.

Anyways, Kat and Danny have both been here for 14 months. They were admitted only a week apart and are now apparently best friends. They continue to keep in touch with their parents and their old friends, who in return bring or mail them stuff to keep them occupied. Kats mom sends a care package of cookies and chocolate every month, while Danny’s dad bought him a subscription to Adbusters magazine – apparently Danny’s favourite – which gets sent here bi-monthly.

I thought it was kind of sweet how their parents thought about them, but at the same time I didn’t understand why they would go to such an extreme and put their kids in a mental institution. My parents I could understand, because they’re total assholes who care about nothing but what other people think of them. As soon as I get out of here I’m going to tell all of their friends that Kieran was fucking me. Ha!

It was nearing 10, so I decided I should go back to my own room. Besides, I wasn’t used to telling people so much about myself and I’d kind of had enough.

“Can I borrow some paper?” I asked Kat on my way out.

“Yeah sure, what for??” she asked.

“I need to write a letter to my brother,” I replied dismissively.

“I thought you were an only child?” Danny asked suspiciously. I mentally kicked myself. If I was going to lie, can’t I at least be good at it?

“I’m not, I just don’t want to talk about him,” I replied, taking the paper Kat was offering me. Luckily they both let the topic drop and we said good night.

Once in the hallway I walked the short distance to my room. The door was shut, but I ignored it and pushed it open. Lucius was the first thing I saw upon entering. He was sitting cross-legged on his bed, writing in a notebook. He didn’t even look up when I came in. I ignored him and sat across from him on my own bed. I set the paper down on the end table and looked around for my pen, and once I found it, began writing.


Kieran,

I don’t know what you’ve been thinking while I’ve been gone, and I don’t know what kind of role you played in having me sent here, but either way I’ve decided that I’m mad at you. Just a reminder: I’m in a fucking MENTAL INSTITUTION. I know you know this, but I want there to be no doubt in you’re mind that it was your fault. All of this is your fault! I can’t believe you let this happen. Are you happy? I did everything for you that you ever wanted and this is how you repay me? Fuck you, I hate you. Besides hating you, I also need a favour. I know, contradictory, but you owe me. They let people have personal belongings in here and I want you to send me some stuff. Including:

My notebooks, my sketchbooks, new sketchbooks, that case I have with all my art shit, clothes – underwear, socks, long-sleeved shirts…my favourite jeans, i-pod, electric toothbrush – all my bathroom stuff, three cartons of cigarettes, some weed and papers – and I’m dead serious about that one – I don’t care how you do it just figure it out, my hat, my watch, my blanket, bring me good vegan food that I don’t have to refrigerate (you know what I like), black nail polish, game boy with all my games, books – 1984, Silent Spring, A Clockwork Orange - you know all my favourites, liquor if you can, buy me a Tamagotchi, a lighter, five boxes of Nerds, corn nuts, my i-pod speakers, crossword puzzle book, lube, Rubik’s cube, a copy of all the new trash magazines, the Saturday paper, condoms, almonds, gum, and the things I’d want from my secret hiding place. Think about it, you know what I want. I don’t want to write it in case these bastards read my mail. I’m sure mommy and daddy can afford to mail everything piece by piece.

I know that I’m asking for a lot, but I don’t feel undeserving. You totally betrayed my trust and I think maybe I’m just realizing it now. I told my shrink all about us, by the way. I figure I might as well while you’re not here pressuring me not to. It’s not your little secret anymore.

I don’t fit in here, but I guess I have to accept that I’ll be here for a while. Thanks to you. Don’t forget that.

Your loving brother,
Salem


I folded the pages together and shoved them under my mattress until tomorrow. Lucius was still apparently ignoring me, so I slipped into the bathroom and got ready for bed, trying not to think of Lucius or Kat and Danny, or Don...or Kieran. Especially not Kieran. Though when I found myself in bed that night, unable to sleep, it was Kieran I was thinking about.

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