Diary of a Gay (NOT!... well, maybe) Boy

September 6, my room, 7pm

That was so much fun, but it got a bit rocky in the middle, but everything turned out all right in the end. Ok, so I basically ran all the way to the park and, being the non-athletic person I am, ended up meeting David (who obviously couldn’t wait to see me either) panting and breathing heavily. Of course, David isn’t doing any of that since he’s actually athletic. But he patiently waited for me to calm down after he ushered me over to a bench that we could sit down on. Once I finished, he grabbed me and gave me a long, powerful kiss that sucked the breath right out of me, so that, when he released me (which was after quite a while; DAMN, that boy can kiss!), I had to catch my breath all over again. He laughed softly to himself as I gained my composure again.

I looked back at him and he looked at me and said “I missed you so much.” WHICH WAS SOOO SWEET OF HIM!! Because, I mean, at that time, we’d only been apart for, what, like an hour or something. Of course, I totally missed him too. And it was so good being kissed by him again. It had been forever since the last time we kissed.

At that time, and, yea, I know that it’s kind of a weird time to remember something like this, but I remembered about our kiss last night and how he didn’t really explain anything about him ignoring me and everything else. So I looked into his eyes, very seriously, and said to him “David, I, um, want to ask you something.”

He looked right back, not moving his eyes away from mine, and said “Yea, what is it, sexy?”

I almost forgot about the whole question right then and there, but managed to keep my composure and not just melt right in front of him into his arms or whatever. I gulped and proceeded to ask “Why did you ignore me after every time you kissed me before last night?”

I saw him flinch a bit, but he didn’t move his eyes away from mine. He blinked, but didn’t look elsewhere. There was a slight silence between us and my heart was pounding so fast. I wondered if he was even going to answer me. Someone had to break the silence. I guess it had to be me since it didn’t look like he was going to say anything. I kept looking at him and I flatly said “Well? I’m waiting here.”

He kept his eyes on mine and his hand moved up to caress my cheek. He began to open his mouth and his hand moved away from me. “Philip, I want to apologize for that. It was confusing for me.”

“It was confusing for me too! Getting kissed, then being ignored, then getting kissed again and being ignored. AGAIN. You were so confusing!”

“I know. And I’m sorry about that. It was confusing for me because I’d never felt something like this for anyone ever, in my whole life. I didn’t know what to do; I was hoping the kisses would somehow repulse me from feeling this way toward you, but all it did was make me love you even more. Hanging out with at your house was amazing for me and I had a great time working with you. I don’t know why I ignored you; maybe it was just because I was scared of getting close to you. I didn’t want people to know that I’d kissed you; I thought you might tell someone if we talked about it and you knew that it was real.”

“But you were messing with my mind! I kept debating about whether or not the kisses we had were real. Or if they were something my wishful thinking imagination cooked up. It confused me and hurt me a lot emotionally. I kept trying to be angry at you, but I couldn’t. I just couldn’t. You started to mean something to me. Something more than just a partner on a history project. Something more than just a friend! All I wanted was for it to be real, for you to ADMIT to it, to put my mind at ease.” I then moved closer to David and gave him a little peck on the cheek. “All I wanted … was you.”

I moved back and looked into David’s eyes. They were tearing up. As soon as I saw this, I immediately pulled him into my arms gently and he started crying into my shoulder and I should caressed his hair and back and just let him cry. Once he stopped, I kissed him on the top of his head and just let him lay there. He felt so nice against my chest and I continued to stroke his hair as we sat there. Since it was still a bit early, there weren’t that many people there walking around, so we weren’t too concerned with who saw us together. Plus, I highly doubt anyone from our school would be walking around a park at 4:30 in the afternoon.

David eventually moved himself so that the back of his head was against my chest. My arms lay across his own chest and we sat there in silence, which is all we really needed anyway. Some of the leaves fell down from the trees as a sign of the coming autumn. It was just such a beautiful moment. I didn’t want it to end, but, as all good things do, it did come to an end. We spent more time together, but we stood up and walked out of Huntley Meadows to walk down the road to a nice little deli place, of which I don’t remember the name of since I was staring into David’s deep brown eyes as I ate my ham and cheese sandwich (which, by the way, was really good). We chatted for a while about school and some other stuff. Which leads me to what we began talking about:

Me: So, um David? *David looks at me seriously* Do you think… that, maybe… we might be able to make our relationship public at some time? I mean, not necessarily NOW, but like maybe before we graduate from high school?

David: Well, um, I don’t know. I mean, I’m on the basketball team. If I ever came out to the school, that would mean I’d have to come out to the team. None of them would want to change in the same room as a gay person, even if that person already had a boyfriend and doesn’t find any of them remotely attractive. Or, well, not as attractive and sexy as you *I blushed and looked down at this time* No, really, it’s true.

Me: What? Me being sexy?

David: No. Well, yes, of course that’s true. But the first thing I mentioned is true also. We might be comfortable with our sexuality when we’re around each other away from school, but everyone else at our school probably would not be as comfortable with it as we are. *He grabs my hand from across the table.* But… do we really need to tell them? Can’t we just keep it a secret? Our secret?

Me: But, David, we can’t keep it a secret forever.

David: Well, obviously, we wouldn’t keep it a secret forever. Perhaps once we graduate from college and we’re on our own and I’m not on any sort of sports team, we can tell everyone about us.

Me: But, David, we might not be together forever. Heck, a year from now, we might not be together. I mean, I hope we would be together, but we might not. High school romances usually don’t last for long, so I mean, why can’t we just come out now or at least pretty soon because I don’t want to keep this a secret forever or even until we graduate from college. I want to be free; I want to be able to be myself in front of everyone. I can’t hide this forever, David.

David: I know that, but I’m just not ready to become out to everybody. I mean, would you really be comfortable coming out to everybody in school as a couple? Everybody looking at you? At US? People will talk and while some people might like us for having the courage to come out, most people won’t and they’ll look down on us. I mean, we go to a Catholic school, Philip, not everyone is gonna like what we are.

Me: *stares blankly at David* Well, um, I guess I hadn’t really thought of that. I just assumed that everyone would just accept it or at least like, not care and we could lead a peaceful life not under the watch of everyone in the school.

David: Philip, life doesn’t work that way, especially in high school. If we come out, we bear the brunt of insults, beatings, and other bad things. People aren’t as tolerant as you’d like to think they are, Philip.

Me: I know, and I used to worry about those things, but now that I’m with you, I just want to shout it to the world. And, yea, I know that sounds cliché, but it’s true. I love you so much, David, and I want to be able to share that love and show it to everyone.

David: I know, I know, and maybe we will, with time. But not now.

Me: OK.

At that point, I looked around really fast and then, having seen that no one was really paying attention, gave David a quick peck on the cheek. I pulled back and we smiled that knowing smile at each other. We got up to leave and David walked me back to my house (or, well, to the corner of the block that my house is on). We quickly kissed again and then I said bye to him. I walked into my house and went to my room, locked the door, and now am writing this.

I love having a boyfriend. I mean, even though our relationship has had its ups and downs, we always work things out. I love my David!!