August

March 7

Phidias walked in and looked for a seat before the start of his morning class, Carrier History and Ethics. For a moment, he felt that familiar nervousness seize him, and he felt like he was Caddy's age again, desperately looking for a friendly place to sit in the cafeteria. Relief came when Sheridan, one of the carriers he'd met through his counselor's lunch group, cleared a space for him in the last row of seats and waved him over. Phidias made his way to the back of the classroom, taking up the empty desk beside Sheridan.

Sheridan Waters was one of the youngest and most exuberant members of the group that Phidias been introduced to by his counselor. Sheridan was 34, which made him just over two years younger than Phidias, and he - like Phidias and all other thirtysomething carriers - had been placed in the Accelerated Adjustment Program. This meant that, like Phidias, he was subjected to daily private counseling, placed in advanced and accelerated classes and "adjustment seminars", required to submit weekly reports on his current thoughts and activities, required to attend bi-monthly health checkups and submit to random drug testing, and asked to participate in "accelerated social activities" - known otherwise as mandatory dating. The only major differences between Sheridan and Phidias' lives in the Centre were Cadmus, and Sheridan's far superior ability to cope. That, and the fact that Phidias had five months left on his deadline. Sheridan only had three.
"So how was your weekend?? You were AWOL for days."
Frankly, Phidias didn't feel very much like talking, but the last thing he needed was to alienate his friend, and besides, Sheridan's general excitement about life could be pretty contagious.
Phidias shrugged.
"Just spent time with Cadmus. We played badminton on Sunday, after chapel."
Sheridan leaned in, sitting on the edge of his seat.
"And Saturday? How was the second date?"
Sheridan put an amusing emphasis on the fact that it was Phidias' second in one weekend, and Phidias tried to smile. He didn't really want to talk about this. Not any of it. He wanted to go back to his work, to do what he had always done - to be an observer on the outside, not a participant on the in. He still hadn't heard from the Centre about the review of his materials, and was beginning to doubt he ever would. His studies, he supposed, would have to go unfinished. Or maybe Dr. Long could pass them on to someone else; someone who would work rightly on the projects, give them the care and attention they needed. Someone like him. He felt a sort of homesickness welling up in his chest. He wondered how Alan was doing - they hadn't spoken in weeks. Not since the last time he'd been in the hospital. Phidias figured he should call. A noise brought him back to the present - Sheridan was tapping a pencil on his desk.
"Hello? Base to Alexander. Did you hear me?"
Phidias shook himself out of his reverie.
"Sorry, Dan. I just drifted there for a second."
Worry flickered across Sheridan's face.
"You do that a lot?"
Phidias grinned.
"Not any more than I did before I was a carrier. It's fine. What were you saying?"
"I asked about the second date. I heard you punched the first one in the face."
Phidias had spent the latter part of his secondary education being homeschooled by his parents, and afterwards, he'd gone on to a large university where he'd rushed through his undergrad, hardly speaking to anyone, doubling up his courses, and graduating before he turned 21. After that, he'd gone straight on to work on his master's, then his Ph.D.; preparing his first ethnography for his dissertation while there, he'd met Emily. Then Phidias had been preoccupied with work and marriage, then family and Caddy.

So now, Phidias realized, at age 37, that he'd never really taken active part in any social community, with the exception of the islands where he'd spent almost three years with Em. As a result of this peculiar condition, there were many things Phidias realized that he simply did not know. One of these things was the speed and ferocity with which rumors and information could spread across a small, highly social community.
"Where did you hear that??"
Sheridan shrugged.
"Lunch. It was hilarious, and so totally you."
Phidias straightened.
"It was actually very much not me - I'm not a violent person; it was an accident."
Sheridan nodded.
"I know. Just like that cafeteria guard was."
Phidias bristled.
"That was different." Phidias protested, but Sheridan wasn't really listening him, busy wresting a napkin-wrapped package of cookies out of his shoulder bag instead.
"Fuck. I'm so hungry. Breakfast sucks around here."
Sheridan hungrily devoured the first cookie and turned his attention back to Phidias.
"So? The second? How'd it go?"
The classroom was beginning to fill up.
"Awful. Worse than the first."
Sheridan looked shocked.
"Oh no! Did you break his legs or something?"
Phidias shook his head. Sheridan paused.
"He didn't hurt you, did he?"
Phidias shook his head again. Why did everyone keep asking him that?
"No. He was just weird. Sick fuck kept asking me questions about Cadmus."
Sheridan looked disturbed.
"Like what kind of questions?"
Phidias frowned. Even the memory of the conversation was distasteful to him.
"How old he is, what he looks like, how mature he is...I didn't like it."
"So what'd you do?"
"Said I was going to the bathroom, then asked the chaperone to take me home and reported his behavior."
Sheridan nodded and finished a third cookie, then looked up and smiled at someone. Phidias followed his eyes to where James, another of the carriers from their group, was approaching.
James got to his seat on the other side of Phidias just before the lecturer was prepared to begin, and waved quickly to Phidias and Sheridan, then took out a pad of paper to take notes. The lecturer cleared his throat, then began.
"Continuing our discussion from last class, I ask you: In what situations may consent to sexual activity be considered a non-necessity?"

~:~

"Adrian?"
Caddy was tapping his arm, and Adrian turned his attention to him.
"Yeah, Caddy? What's up?"
"Adrian, I think you should check on Ashby."
Cadmus looked worriedly between his peer group leader and the door to the small bathroom that was adjacent to their homeroom.
"I don't know why, but I think something's wrong."
Adrian glanced around his class; his five other kids were all hard at work on making a mess out of their craft pieces. A few paintbrushes appeared to be broken. Lee's hair was covered in glitter. They'd be fine for a few minutes. Adrian patted Cadmus' shoulder.
"Thanks, Caddy. I'll go knock and see if he's alright. You just stay here and finish your birdhouse, OK?"
Cadmus nodded, but his worried look didn't ease.
"He's been in there a while."
Adrian gave him a reassuring smile.
"OK. He's fine, I'm sure. I'll go check on him."
Caddy nodded, but watched Adrian as he crossed the room to the small wooden door, then knocked.
The first knock didn't get a response. Concerned, Adrian knocked again, more forcefully.
"Ashby? Are you alright in there, sweetheart?"
There was a shifting sound, then a hesitant voice. Adrian's heart sped up a little.
"Adri - Adrian, I'm bleeding."
Adrian exhaled in relief. A minor crisis. He changed his voice to soothing.
"OK, Ashby, and we talked about this, remember? Do you remember what I told you in health class? How to handle this?"
Ashby didn't answer for a minute.
"It's not - I'm not bleeding from there, Adrian."
Panic rose up in Adrian's throat. He tried the door; locked. What jackass put locks on a kids' bathroom?
"OK. OK, Ashby. Can you let me in so I can help you? Where are you bleeding from?"
There was a long pause, long enough for Adrian to look around frantically to try to figure out how he could get the door open. His eyes alighted on Cadmus, who still stood where Adrian had left him, eyes on Adrian and worry on his face. A guilty, quiet voice filtered out from underneath the bathroom door.
"My wrists."
Adrian felt like he'd been thrown off a cliff.
"Ashby, I need you to open the door."
"I can't."
"Ashby, open this door right now, please."
"Adrian - "
"Ashby, OPEN THE GODDAMN DOOR!"
The class stopped what they were doing and all turned to look at him. For three seconds, nothing happened. Adrian threw himself against the door, rattling it in its frame. It didn't open. The kids all gathered in a semi-circle, too enthralled to leave, but too frightened to come closer.
"Ashby, please."
It was Cadmus this time - he had come forward, out of his trance, and was now kneeling on the floor by the doorway so that the knob was at eye level. "It's Caddy. Please, Ashby, please let Adrian in. Open the door, Ashby. Ashby, open the door. Open the door, Ashby."
Caddy knelt there, just repeating the whole thing like a mantra while Adrian rushed to the phone by the door and called for a chaperone, for medics and backup and told them Code Maroon.

The door creaked open. Ashby stood in the middle of the bathroom, framed by
the light. His wrists, sleeves, and shirt were all stained with blood, and it just kept dripping, a slow leak down his arms. There were spots on the floor. Nobody moved; nobody touched him. Ashby was hiccuping tears, wetness flowing freely down his face.
"I'm sorry." he tried to draw in a breath but failed and shorted himself. "I'm sorry, Adrian, I'm sorry. I'm sorry - "
There were a pair of sharp pink craft scissors dangling from his right hand.
"I'm sorry. I just wanted to die. I'm sorry."

Then there was a great thundering noise and the door to the classroom burst open and swarms of people were pushing all their way in - medics and officers and the big blank-faced chaperones which scared the children and commands were shouted and barked and Caddy looked up just in time to catch a glimpse of Ashby's terrified face before the chaperones strapped him to the gurney and the medics wheeled him off.

They were gone in less than a minute, and the boys were left standing in a semi-circle in their classroom, all of them staring at Adrian. An officer and an older carrier stood beside him. The officer was asking questions in a low voice. Cadmus looked back at the ground, at the blood from Ashby.
"Why would he want to die?" he asked no one in particular. "He's a carrier."
Abruptly, the older carrier clapped his hands to call the attention of the class. Adrian was still answering questions.
"Boys! Let's all get back to work. We've got better things to do, I'm certain, than stand around and gawk at each other!" the carrier smiled broadly and led the group back over to their craft tables. "What colors shall we make the birdhouses?"
Caddy, unsure what to do, stared at the blood for a few minutes more, until the carrier's censuring voice startled him. He looked up to Adrian, but Adrian and the officer were gone. The other carrier stood above him, hands on his hips, frowning down at Cadmus.
"You too, Inspector Curious. Stop thinking so much and come make your birdhouse."

~:~

That night, Cadmus seemed withdrawn as he sat in the apartment after dinner. Phidias prodded him, trying to get him to open up, but his son refused. After a while, Phidias gave up, sure that Cadmus would talk in his own time.
Suddenly, he did.
"Dad, if I ever...go crazy?" he began, looking over to his dad to be sure he was listening. Phidias put down his book and looked up at his son.
"Yeah?"
Cadmus bit his lip.
"Just don't..." he trailed off as he squinted at the book's cover. "What are you reading?"
Phidias rolled his eyes.
"The Surren - look, it's for a class. What were you saying? Don't do what?"
Caddy seemed to focus on something off in the distance again.
"Just don't let me hurt myself, will you?"
Phidias was silent, but his heart beat loud.
"Have you been thinking about hurting yourself, Caddy?"
Caddy shook his head vigorously.
"No. No. But...someone else did. Ashby."
"I thought you hated Ashby."
"I didn't want him to kill himself!!" Caddy shouted, suddenly defensive. "I just wanted him to stop being mean to me."
Phidias took a breath in.
"So Ashby's been thinking about hurting himself?"
Caddy scoffed.
"No. He did hurt himself. He cut his wrists today in art class."
Phidias was blown away for a minute.
"Jesus, Caddy. Did you see it? I'm sorry."
Phidias got out of his chair and went to sit on the bed beside Cadmus. He put one hand on his shoulder.
"Are you OK?"
Caddy shrugged the hand off.
"Dad, I'm fine. I'm not the one who tried to off himself."
Phidias guessed that was logical enough.
"But sometimes..."
"Yeah?"
"But sometimes I think maybe something might be wrong with me."
Phidias tried to appear calm.
"OK. What makes you think that, Cadmus?"
"It's not...because I want to die or anything, it's just that sometimes I think I'm weird."
"Weird?"
Caddy fiddled with the hem of his natori for a minute, clearly torn about whether or not to go on.
"Dad, sometimes I talk to Mom."
Phidias nodded.
"That's OK. I talk to her, too."
Caddy shook his head.
"OK. But sometimes, when I talk to Mom, I feel like she answers."
Phidias raised an eyebrow, but shrugged.
"Well, Caddy. Sometimes I feel that way, too."
Cadmus stared at his dad.
"Really?"
Phidias nodded.
"Yeah. Sometimes I feel like I can even hear her voice." A pang of longing hit him. "So unless you start seeing her places, I wouldn't worry about it. You just miss her. That's OK."
Caddy seemed to be relieved.
"So I'm not that weird?"
Phidias grinned playfully and shook his head.
"No, you're still pretty weird. Fortunately, it's not because of Mom."
Caddy grinned.
"Gee, thanks, Dad."
Phidias got back up and went back to his chair.
"Hey, kiddo, no problem."
He picked up the book again.
"But, listen."
Caddy looked up. "If you ever feel different...if you feel like things get to be too much, or there's something you can't handle, or if you want to hurt yourself...just promise you'll come talk to me first, OK?"
Cadmus smiled warmly at his dad.
"OK." he said. "I promise."
"Good."
Phidias began to open the page he'd last dog-eared.
"But, Dad? You gotta promise me the same, OK?"
Phidias looked up at his son.
"OK, Caddy. I promise."

~:~

Adrian called the base that night and asked Sean if he could come over. Sean did, without question or protest, and when he slid his passkey into the door of Adrian's room, the carrier met him at the door, already naked and in tears.
"Fuck me?" he managed.
Sean stepped into the room, kicked his boots off, and locked the door.

He was going deep with every thrust, fucking Adrian until his balls slapped against the younger man's ass, and he knew he had to be hurting him, but Adrian just squeezed his legs around Sean's back and bit down on his lip and told him not to stop. Sean slid one hand between them, but Adrian took it firmly and pushed it away, and Sean couldn't bring himself to try again because Adrian felt good, so good, and Sean was tired and all he wanted was to empty his sac into his boyfriend and ride his peak all the way into sleep. He changed his angle and Adrian cried out, then bit it down and slapped Sean's ass, telling him to keep going, that it was fine. Sean knew it wasn't, so he did the best thing he could think of under the circumstances and came, hard, pouring himself into the stoic carrier beneath him.

He lay, panting, atop Adrian for a minute before he realized that his fiancée was crying again - hard, serious sobs against Sean's bare shoulder. Sean moved to roll off of him, but Adrian resisted and whined when he tried to pull his cock out, and so he just stayed where he was for a moment, trying to keep half his weight off Adrian, letting his lover cry. When he was too sensitive to stand the pressure, he gently unwrapped Adrian's arms and moved them into a more comfortable position.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
"Ashby tried to kill himself." Adrian wiped his face with the corner of a pillowcase. "I should have been watching him. I didn't know. I didn't even know."
Sean shushed him.
"You couldn't have known he would do that, sweetheart. You couldn't have known."
"But he's so little, he's just a little kid. Why would he..."
Adrian went off into sobs again.
"Because it's hard. And sometimes things get hard and we need other people to help us deal with them."
Adrian shook his head.
"I'm going to be a horrible mom."
"No, you're not."
Sean kissed his forehead.
"I hate you."
"No, you don't."
Sean curled up with him that way, holding him and trying to ease his pain, until Adrian fell asleep and Sean had to leave to get back to the base.

In the morning, Adrian got up like normal to go and teach his class.