Touru to Shidou/Touru and Shidou

~*~*~*~Touru

It didn’t make sense. I could hear them, but I couldn’t see them. It felt like I was running, but nothing around me changed. My legs and arms were tangled in something. I tried to cry out, but I couldn’t make a sound. Someone was calling my name. Somehow, I knew that if I could remember the name that went with that voice, I’d be okay. It would be safe again.

“Touru. Touru, wake up, love.”

I tried to call out. I was awake, I’m sure I was, but I couldn’t remember his name. I tried to make a sound, but I couldn’t remember his name. If I could, I would be safe. Help me remember!

“Touru, c’mon, wake up. Wake up for me, love.”

Who are you? I tried to scream.

“C’mon, wake up for Shidou.” The voice sounded desperate.

“Shidou!” I cried and I could see him. I pulled him to me and sobbed.

“I’m here, love, it’s okay.” He held me, rolling us so he could rub my back. “I’ve been trying to wake you for half an hour. You were twitching and moaning. Do you want to talk?”

I shook my head, “I…it doesn’t make sense. I don’t know. I was being chased or something. I couldn’t move. I heard you calling for me and I knew if I could remember your name, I’d be okay, but I couldn’t remember.”

He rubbed my back and I felt myself relaxing against him. “It’s midnight, love. Go back to sleep if you can. I’m here.”

I nodded against his shoulder. He continued to rub my back and I felt myself drifting off in his arms. I sighed. I was safe with him.

~*~*~*~Shidou

I held him for a long time. I didn’t like that he had had a nightmare. I’m not sure if I was bothered or relieved by the fact that I made him feel safe. I loved him, but…I don’t know. What if I failed him, somehow? Or what if I did something wrong? I sighed. I wanted to be with him. But, what if we were moving to fast? He nuzzled into my chest and I tightened my arms around him. I wanted to be with him, I didn’t doubt that. But, I knew we’d be separated for college, so he needed to be able to be on his own, to not rely on me. I wanted him to want me around. I was so confused and starting to feel scared, too. I remembered Touru saying he wrote to think. He was asleep again, only moaning a little as I crawled out of bed and walked around to his computer. The towel from this morning was gone and I wasn’t wearing anything. I looked for our pajamas we’d thrown off earlier, but he’d cleaned up before he’d joined me in bed. With a sigh, I pulled out a clean pair of boxers and sat down to type. It was hard at first, finding the right words, but gradually, line by line, letter by letter, I figured out what I wanted to say. It was almost three am by the time I crawled back into bed. He snuggled up to me in his sleep and I held him, falling asleep quickly.

From: Pilos
To: Thalin
Subject: Midnight musings
Date: Monday 2:49

Hey, love. I had a lot on my mind after you woke up and went back to sleep. I was thinking and couldn’t get my mind to slow down again, so I tried your trick of writing to think. It helped me work through what was keeping me awake. I’m not as good as you are and before you read it, I want you to know I love you very much and you mean a lot to me and I wouldn’t change anything in anyway. I’m not sure if I expressed that well, but it’s getting late and I need sleep. I love you, Touru.

Attached message:

Well, I usually only do this writing thing when I have to, but I have a lot of things going around in my head right now. I guess I’ll just write this like I’m talking to you, Touru. You’re sleeping right now.

I’m not sure how to say what I’m feeling. I guess I’m not even sure what I’m feeling either, but maybe by the end of this, I can figure it out.

I’m a little scared. Everything with you is going so well. Well, that’s not entirely true, but between you and me, for the most part, things are so great. I’m afraid it’s too good, y’know? None of my other relationships have been this good. I’m happy about it….but…I don’t know.

Also, while I’m glad that I make you feel safe, I also worry about that, too, Touru. What happens when we go to college? I don’t want us to give up our dreams. That means four years where we don’t get to see a lot of each other. And, then, I’ll have three years of law school. It’s gonna be rough, we both know that. I want it to work between us, Touru. I know it can. I know we can make it work.

I guess what I’m trying to say with that is I want to protect you and be here for you, not because you need me to be, but because I want to be. I know you’re able to take care of yourself. I want to be there, though to hold you when you have nightmares or whenever else you need to be held.

I’m still not getting to the root of it. Let’s see…what was that thing we did in class that one time? Oh, yeah. Finishing sentences. Let’s see…

I feel…nervous, scared, happy, at peace with you, needed…wanted, too.

I feel nervous because everything’s good, but also because of your relatives being asses. I’m nervous about what they’ll do when I’m gone and I want to be here to help protect you.

I feel scared because I don’t want to find out this is a dream. You were afraid of me being a dream, and now I’m afraid of you being a dream. I’m afraid of losing you somehow, either through something I couldn’t protect you from or through something stupid I do.

I’m happy because you are the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I’m happy that you want me, too.

I feel at peace with you because I can just be myself and say whatever I want and it always seems to be what you need. I don’t have to try with you, Touru. I am just myself with you and it feels so good.

I feel needed because you let me feel that way. I know you are strong, able to handle yourself, but you let yourself need me, you let me fulfill you, and that is the most wonderful feeling, Touru.

I also feel that you want me. I know you told me I was your ideal, though I don’t know why. I don’t think I’m anything that special. But, you…you make me special because you want me.

I guess, then, what I’m trying to say is that I’m beyond happy with you and scared of the future, but I want one with you. I guess…maybe this is just jitters? I do not in anyway regret going all the way with you, not in the least, Touru, but I think that’s part of what brought this up in my head, thinking about what comes next…where are we going to be next year? Next week, even? Never have I wanted to be with someone forever, not any of my old girlfriends. I liked them, but we knew it was just a temporary thing, y’know. This, what we have, it doesn’t feel temporary and I don’t want it to be.

I’m glad we’re going to talk to Joseph. I hope you understand what I’m trying to say. I think I can sleep now, my beloved.

~*~*~*~Touru

I stared at my monitor a long time after reading what Shidou had written. It made me feel confused. I could feel the love he had for me in the words, and his fear, too. I didn’t know that he needed me, too. I didn’t know he felt that way. I brought my feet up onto my chair. That explained why he had boxers on when I woke up when I knew he’d gone to sleep naked. He knew I was a touch of a neat freak. I’d even put on boxers before I sat on my chair. I held my feet and rested my chin on my knees while rereading what he wrote. When I read over the part where he said he just said whatever he wanted, I could feel something in me relaxing, easing. I guess part of me thought he was playing with me, leading me on in some way. I wrote him a short reply before continuing on with my morning routine. I’d let him sleep as long as possible before waking him up. He usually fixed breakfast if his parents weren’t up yet at his place. I don’t know if he wanted to do that here during the week. We’d have to talk about that, but I knew he’d want to eat, so I fixed some toast and sausage. I wasn’t much of a cook, usually microwaving stuff or eating out. I set the food on the table and went in the room to wake him.

I sat next to him on the bed and caressed his cheek, “Shidou, lover, it’s time to wake up. Rise and shine, my heart.”

He grimaced, nuzzling my hand and mumbled, “Five more, please.”

I bent down and kissed his ear. It was then I saw the mark on his neck. I traced it lightly with my finger and he shivered, “Tickles.”

“It seems I’ve marked you, Shidou.”

He scrunched his face and opened his eyes, “Marked me?”

I smiled at him, my cheeks a little warm, “You’ve got a hickey.”

He grinned, “Yeah? Really?”

My eyes went wide, “You’re happy about it?”

“I’m happy because you did it!” He pulled me down and kissed me noisily before releasing me, a slightly worried expression on his face, “I wrote you…”

“I know. I got it. I wrote you back. We have twenty minutes before we need to leave, though.”

“Can you tell me?” he whined as he sat up. He winced a little and I knew he was still sore. But, he didn’t say anything about it so I just hugged him, rubbing his back.

“Not really. It’s okay if you don’t get it until lunch, though. C’mon. I made some breakfast.” I stood and held my hand out for him.

He took my hand and hugged me. I rubbed his back again and he whispered, “Thanks.”

“Not needed. C’mon, lover, let’s go eat.” He loosened his arms enough for me to turn around, but didn’t let me go. His chin rested on my shoulder and he began pushing me out of the room. I laughed a little as we walked into the kitchen.

“You should laugh more. I like hearing it. And, sausage should have eggs,” his voice went from almost seductive to pouting.

“I’m not a cook,” I laughed.

“I’ll cook, then. I like it. Why didn’t you wake me earlier?” he asked as he sat and began piling sausage on toast and covering it with jelly.

“Your email was sent at almost three. I figured you could use the sleep.” I tried not to pull a face at the amount of jelly he put on his sausage sandwich.

“Go ahead and say it,” he groused, a half-smile on his lip.

“Jelly? On sausage? Ick.” I started laughing again.

“Feel better now?” he grinned at me while picking up his concoction.

I laughed “yeah,” as he bit into it, a piece of sausage falling out the opposite side. He grinned at me and picked up the fallen food and popped it in his mouth. I was laughing so much I almost didn’t have time to eat. I felt so much better this morning. I felt empowered, loved, everything.

When Shidou left to get dressed, I cleaned the kitchen and by the time I was finished, he wrapped his arms around me and kissed my neck from behind. I leaned into his touch and asked softly, “What brings this on?”

“Your laugh and your reply.” He loosened his arms and I turned to face him. We both moved towards each other, kissing each other deeply, our tongues exploring, both of us moaning until the timer on the stove went off. He pulled back, something between offense and amusement on his face. “You set the timer?”

“I get spacey. It’s a habit I’ve gotten into.”

He kissed me lightly on the cheek, “And here I thought you expected this.”

“That, too,” I admitted, kissing his neck over his hickey. He shivered a little. I slipped out of his arms and grabbed our bags. “C’mon, lover, we gotta go.”

“Oh, you do good work, by the way,” he grinned at me as he took his bag and went out the door. I blushed as I locked the door behind me. He took my hand and whispered, “I promise.” I grinned at him, my cheeks very hot as I squeezed his hand. We walked to school, hand in hand.

From: Thalin
To: Pilos
Subject: Re: Midnight Musings
Date: Monday 5:56

You are amazing. It’s almost like you’re reading my mind. I have the same fears, Shidou, and the same desires. I want us to be together, our relationship to work. I know, I really believe we can do it. I know I’ve got some issues to work through, and then there’s my relatives, but I know we can work it through. You express yourself very well, my love. I’m…I don’t know…I’m happy, relieved, and still a little scared, but I know…I believe, you’ll be by my side, even if you aren’t here physically.

I love you so much. I think, though, just for the sake of school and stuff, we should wait until Friday until you make me feel like you did. I…on Friday night, I want to be under you. Promise me?

Yours, always,
Touru