Gender Dysphoria: How it Feels to Live a Lie

Chapter X

Two months later……

Today was my day to work. With Carlos no longer in the picture, things have shifted a bit in my life. I’m taking taxis to work now, which by the end of the week puts a pretty nice dent in my savings, but what was I gonna do…..call him and ask him to pick me up? I haven’t seen Carlos since our altercation at my apartment and frankly, I’m not complaining. If I ever saw him again, I wouldn’t know what to do—slap him or run for the hills. I’d quit my ‘call girl’ services and decided to finish up my savings here at the diner. I’d had enough of that. Degrading myself was not what I wanted to spend my life doing. Since then though, things had picked up here at Slim’s and I’d been getting more hours and pay. Good deal, I think.

You’re wondering, “Did you make it to Robert’s prom?” yes, I did. My face and body healed perfectly in time for the big night. And I was so glad, cause Robert was a really special guy and it would’ve pained me to no end if I couldn’t have made it. Savannah and I went shopping and I ended up buying a pure white dress made of satin with a thin lace overlay. It was off the shoulder, knee length, and had a deep rich burgundy sash that tied around the waist into a bow. Robert matched me with a black tux, burgundy vest, burgundy tie, and burgundy handkerchief. Those dark colors did wonders to his olive skin and raven black hair. It was a great night. I believe I had more fun than he did. You see, I ran away from home right around my senior year of high school, so I never got a chance to go to the prom…….not like I would’ve gotten a date anyway. We had so much fun together, I hated it when it finally ended. The limo—yes, Robert’s folks rented us a limo—took us to a nice restaurant to eat, where we sat and talked more about the prom and how mesmerized the other students were at seeing us together and having so much fun. Finally, Robert told the limo driver to take us to some place secluded and we sat in the car and talked, laughing a little at the driver whom we could hear snoring in the driver’s seat. After a while, we just sat there, cuddled together, content in our mutual silence. Daybreak peaked over the horizon and the driver drove me home first. Robert walked me to my door like the true gentleman he was and for the first time initiated a kiss with me. *sigh* it was a great night.

Oh! Now for my other little bit of news. I had an appointment with my psychiatrist next week. In order for a transgender person to get his/her surgery, a surgeon must have two detailed recommendations for an SRS from the doctor—takes nine months-- as well as a copy of my medical history—which would include six months worth of the nine required of doctor supervised hormonal therapy as to the type of hormones being administered, the dosage, and the duration of the treatment. This is it. I’d finally reached the bridge, now it was time to cross it. My plan was to have the SRS then come back three months later and have my labiaplasty portion done. One reason is because the information I had heard over the internet, one day while I was in the library, said that when having labiaplasty, you are intending to feminize the operated area, but it could not be done at the time of the SRS because important blood supply would be cut off from vital tissue. Hey, whatever worked…..as long as it got done.

It was a hot –no surprise—summer day and I was sweating in that little diner. We got so many orders for salads, club sandwiches, and ice-cream Slim decided to turn off the burner. No one was in the mood for hot food that day. Wearing my work clothes and my hair stuffed into a net, I got ready to make my rounds from table to table. But before I did, I made sure I had a pitcher of ice-tea and water, cause these folks guzzled this stuff down like their lives depended on it……well, in a way, I guess it did.

At the counter fixing the two pitchers, I heard a baritone voice say, “Excuse me Miss.” I turned around and saw……..perfection. That’s the only word that suited him. His skin was tan, with full lips, baby doll brown eyes, and a low shaven head with a little dark fuzz on his chin. Based on the jean shorts and v-neck t-shirt, I could easily tell his physique was very athletic. I was in awe.

“Um excuse me…..Hello? Miss, are you okay?” the man waved a hand in front of me and I finally blinked, coming out of my reverie.

“I…I’m sorry.” I pulled out the order pad from my half apron and walked over to where he was seated at a table. “What are you having?”

“Let me get an ice-cream cone and your phone number.”

The ‘come-on’ caught me off-guard and I laughed. “Was that the best pick-up line you could do?”

He shrugged. “Well, for right now it is. It’s too damn hot and my suave and creative juices aren’t flowing.”

“Okay then. I’ll cut you a break.” I wrote his short order down. “Is that all you’re gonna have?”

“Yeah.” I started to walk off but he called out, “You don’t remember me, do you?”

I turned back around. “What?”

He smiled. “I take that for a ‘no’.” snapping his fingers and swinging his arms from side to side in an oddly familiar dance, he began to sing,

“This will be, and everlasting love.
This will be, the one I’ve waited for.
This will be, the first time anyone has loved meeeee, ooooohhh……”

I quickly put a hand over my gaping mouth. “Oh. My. God.” Shit, I knew he looked familiar. “You’re the guy I saw on the road that night with the red Range Rover.” He nodded.

“And you are the girl with the terrible dancing.”

I gasped. “Oh shut up. I was drunk.”

“You’re damn right, you were. You’re voice was nice though. Quite sexy.”

“Wow. This is ironic I’d meet you again.”

“Ironic or ‘fate’?” he smiled this cocky little grin which was a real turn on, but I couldn’t let him know it.

“Ironic.”

“We’ll see.” He stood up and faced me. Whoa. My eyes reached his shoulders. I looked around and noticed a few customers were looking unashamedly at us, grinning, and whispering. “I’ve been wanting to do this since I last saw you at the stoplight…..” he held out a hand and said, “Hi. My name’s Marcus Corel. What’s yours?”

I started to laugh. For a big guy like he was, you’d expect him to be mean or boring. But he was quite silly. He looked down at his hand, studying it. “What? I took a piss not too long ago, but I washed my hands and I don’t have cooties….although, I should be the one hesitant. You’re a bit on the sweaty side today.”

“Shake his hand, dear. He’s a cute one.” An older woman whispered to me.

I took his hand and shook it. “I’m Gwen Pillman. And kiss my ass, it’s hot in here.”

He laughed. “Gwen.” he tested my name out on his lips. Such…….tempting…….moist lips…….snap out of it Gwen. “Well Gwen, now that we now each other a little more, you mind if I ask for that number again?”

I paused for a moment, before I finally wrote my number down on my order pad, tore the slip off and handed it to him. “Don’t take it if you wont call me.”

“Oh don’t worry…..” with one hand, he took the number, put it in his palm, and grabbed my hand to kiss it. “I will.” Backing away from me, he sat back down. “Okay, now hurry up with my cone, Miss before I call for the manager.” All you can do is laugh at him and that’s what I did.

“Coming right up, ‘sir’.” He was so fine.

***

I got a knock on my door later that night. Wearing nothing but a large t-shirt that hung almost as low as a dress on me, I walked to the door. It was Robert. I hadn’t seen the guy in a few days, which was understandable. After his graduation, he found out he was accepted to Yale on an academic scholarship. I was so happy for him when he came to my place with the letter in his hand, smiling from ear to ear.

“Hey, Robert.”

“Hi.” I stood aside and let him come in. “I didn’t catch you at a bad time, did I?”

“Oh no. I was just about to fix something to eat. What’s up?”

He shrugged. “Nothing. It’s just it’s been a few days since I’d seen you and I wanted to stop by before I leave tomorrow.”

“Well I’m glad you did, cause I’d be really pissed if you left without telling me goodbye.”

He laughed. “I could never do that.”

“So, how long did your folks give you to stay out tonight?”

“As long as I wanted. They know this is my last day here at home, so they’re being lenient.”

“Good. So consider this my present then…..whatever you wanna do or go, we’ll do it.”

He smiled. “Yeah?”

“Yep. Tonight is your night, Robert. Where are my shorts?” I started to look around the apartment, trying to find my fitted pajama shorts that I loved to sleep in. I lifted the pillows on my couch and searched there. Nothing, damn it.

“Anything?” I heard him say from behind me.

“Yep. I can’t believe I lost my shorts.”

“Got any ice-cream?”

I stopped my searching and looked at him with a smile on my face. “Like chocolate?”

Robert’s beautiful eyes lit up. “Do I? It’s my favorite.”

I told him to sit down on the couch and served us up some bowls of ice-cream. I squirted chocolate syrup on mine. I think I’m addicted to chocolate. We sat, watched tv, and ate. When we were done, we set our bowls down and lounged on the couch, cuddled up together. Robert’s head was rested on my stomach and I ran slow fingers through his soft ebony locks.

“What are you going to school to be?” I asked.

“I wanna be lawyer. I always had a big interest in learning law.”

“Really? That would be a good profession for you. You plan on coming back here to do it, or are you staying in Connecticut?”

He shrugged. “I don’t know. Maybe New Haven wouldn’t be a bad place to work.” He lifted his head and looked down at me. “but then, I’d probably move back just to see you again.”

I placed a hand on his neck. “You are too sweet, Robert.”

He smiled but it left just as quickly as it came, replaced by a sad look in his eyes. “We’ve known each other for but a little while, but I feel like I know so much about you already. I’m going to miss you.”

I moved the hand from his neck to his hair, moving the loose strands from around his face, back behind his ear. Some odd reason, I couldn’t stop touching him. “So will I.”

“I’m guessing you don’t happen to have any family members in New Haven that you could visit for say……eight years, do you?”

I laughed. “No. sorry.”

He sighed. “I wish there was something I could remember you by.”

After being silent for a moment, an overwhelming urge came over me. I just couldn’t help myself….not like I was trying that hard not to though. I turned us on to our sides, so we faced each other. I caressed his cheek for a second before I leaned in and kissed him. I pulled back and looked at Robert. His eyes were closed and his mouth had slightly dropped open. Taking that expression as a good thing, I leaned in again and gave him another kiss, this time it was longer. “Open your mouth, Robert.” I whispered against his lips. He did so and I kissed him once more, now sliding my tongue in to massage his own.

Robert moaned next to me. Reaching blindly downward, I grabbed his hand and placed it on my thigh. Then I moved the smooth hand up my bare leg, under my big shirt, past my tummy, and up to my bra-clad breast. Robert pulled back and gasped.

“Oh my God.” He whispered.

“It’s okay if you don’t want to do this.”

His eyes grew wider. “No! No, I want this……I definitely want this.”

I smiled. “Good. You know Robert, you’re way more special to me than just a friend.” I peeled his shirt over his head. “You came into my life and slipped into my heart, becoming a very special person to me.” I removed my t-shirt and unfastened the hooks to my bra, tossing them both behind me. I wrapped my arms around his neck, our bare skin pressed firmly together, and Robert wrapped his arms around my waist. He shivered at our contact, but never let go of me. I kissed him sweetly. “You’ve been like my breath of fresh air.”

“I feel the same way about you.” He whispered back. Robert kissed my shoulder, then timidly dragged the tip of his tongue across my shoulder and up my neck. I sighed at how gentle it felt.

Not moving away from our closeness, I reached a hand down between us and began to open Robert’s pants. When I got them open, I reached inside and grabbed hold of his penis. An impressive penis at that. I blinked my eyes and looked at the teen with surprise on my face. “Damn, Robert.” We both giggled.

I began to stroke him slowly and I saw him close his eyes, sighing and moaning, and on occasion pumping his hips into my hand. I gradually began to pick up speed, his generous amounts of pre-cum made the organ practically glide in my hand.

“Mmmmm……Gwen…..W-what…..what about you?”

I kissed his nose. “Don’t worry about me. Tonight is all about you, Robert. So relax, okay?” he nodded.

With a violent shudder and long moan, Robert came. Poor thing was sweating like crazy, but his expression was that of someone who’s eyes had been opened to a brand new world of experiences. He looked reborn. Robert was now a part of the “experienced” group……..well, sort of.

Wiping my hand off on my discarded shirt, I pulled him into my arms and let him get his breathing back to normal. “Wow.” He finally said after a few minutes.

I laughed. “Okay. ‘Wows’ are good.”

“Wows are very good.” He murmured. “You know, you are making it harder and harder for me to leave tomorrow.”

“That’s very sweet Robert, but you’re getting on that damn bus.”

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