Snowfall

After the death of Winefride, I felt I had to see Amar. My heart ached at the cruel injustice it has witnessed. I was confused and alone. I could not turn to the monks because in part I blamed them for Winefride\'s death. They could have pleaded for mercy on her behalf or dealt with her themselves. The church was quite powerful but it did not stir itself for the likes of one peasant who killed her husband in self defense.

I contrived to be out checking on our pack mule during the evening. The priests and Father John left me alone knowing that I had much on my mind. I wandered away from the stables and quietly slipped off the church grounds. How would I find Amar in the city? Always before he had found me but when we reached Rome I became unable to continue our nightly visits. I did not know if he watched for me during this time or not.

I wandered through the alleyways with a little more caution than I had displayed in the last town. So it was that I came upon a scene without the participants noticing me.

There was an aging prostitute in a faded crimson dress. She spoke to the man in a rich alto voice, her words were like honey despite her fading glory. He moved to her and handed her some coin. She smiled and reached for him. I watched in rapt fascination as he embraced her and his teeth sank into her neck. I couldn\'t move, a part of me was horrified and another part of me was jealous, for the man before me was Amar. I had not strayed too far from the church and ,by the looks of it, neither had he.
I watched the woman wondering why she did not scream but she seemed to be enjoying his bite, even clinging to him tighter. Amar held her carefully and eventually released her. The woman\'s eyes were closed and I feared the worst but then I watched the Frenchman prop her against the side of the building and find the pouch she\'d hidden away with her money. He pulled more coins, gold coins, from his own purse and dropped them in hers before returning it to its hiding place.

\"There, My dear, You\'ll not need to do this any longer. I suggest you retire perhaps find a good man to enjoy that lovely voice of yours.\"

He would not have given her money or talked to her if she were dead. How silly to think he\'d have been killing this whole time, certainly with him traveling along side Father John and I, we would have heard rumors of mysterious deaths. News of that nature travels far faster than a boy and priest.

\"Amar.\" He turned at the sound of my voice. Quick as a cat and just as graceful; peering into the darkness at me, he smiled. I watched him walk towards me and as he grew closer my world grew smaller until it contained just him.

\"Mon Cher, I did not think to see you out this night. The priests have been keeping a good watch on my boy, no?\" He pulled me close and led me away, I cast one last glance over my shoulder at the woman; she was just coming back to her senses, a small smile still on her lips.

\"I suppose they have. If by that you mean they would certainly notice my absence. No doubt they\'ve realized I have gone tonight but I can\'t stir up much caring at the moment.\"

Amar frowned at me and lifted my chin to better see my eyes. He was but an inch or so shorter than me. \"Has someone hurt you, Albin?\"

His eyes were so fierce, I saw the hunter then that this man could be. I had no idea what he would have done if I said yes, but I would not have wanted to find out. \"No Amar. There was a woman.\"

This made his frown deepen but the fire changed to confusion. And possessiveness? He pulled me ever so slightly closer to him. \" I am not sure I understand. What woman would you be seeing in a church?\"

I told him about Winefride. We had found a place to sit where we were not likely to be see by a casual passer by. Not that there were many. Amar held me close and stroked my hair. He murmured soothing words in a language I did not know.

Eventually he said. \" Her soul will find peace, Albin.\" I frowned, of course the monks had told me the same thing. \" You see this as wrong and you are correct but we cannot always understand the way of the Gods.\" Funny how his blasphemy sounded so remarkably similar to the wisdom of the church. I was beginning to think that there was not so much different in his views from my own.

\"But why would a divine being let something happen to someone like Winefride? She was beaten, Amar, and then when she couldn\'t take it any more and fought back, she was hung for it. How is this the way of God?\"

\"I believe we make choices in our lives perhaps the Gods know what choices we will make ahead of time but still they are ours to make. Your Winefride she could have left, no? Run away. That would have changed her fate. She would have to place her trust in herself and her Gods to get her through such a thing but it could have turned out differently for her. \"

\"So you\'re saying she abandoned her God by staying with her husband and so she was abandoned in return?\" Sounded very harsh to me but then I had heard harshness from the Church.

\" No, no she was not abandoned. I am merely saying she chose to stay. Perhaps they used her for justice on her husband, perhaps they meant for you to be a healing friend for her when she needed it and perhaps she was for you ,and many others, a lesson. \"

\"How so?\" I did not like the idea of God killing Winefride just to teach me something if that was indeed where Amar was going with this.

\"I cannot say what you have learned from being her friend, Albin, perhaps more than one thing. There might be others who knew her or the monks or guards who also learned something from this. It might have been time for Winefride to go home. While this seems sad to you and she certainly did not want to go consciously. Think what would have happened had she lived?\"

I thought about this. Winefride would have had trouble finding a way to live, no one would trust her, many would fear her. She would likely have starved alone or suffered on scraps in the street, perhaps something good would have come to her but I didn\'t see it likely. She would have continued to have a hard life, more so than most people had to bear. Perhaps it was a kindness that she did not live to suffer more, but to die like that? Was Amar right that it helped teach others? Certainly her hard life would be rewarded in heaven?\"

I asked Amar what he thought. He shrugged. He said he believed souls rested before being reborn. So he felt that it was likely that she was resting somewhere beyond perhaps looking down upon her friend Albin even as they spoke. This talk did not console me into believing any divine beings were merciful at least not in my eyes but it was a better explanation than the \" It was the will of God\" speech I got from each of the priests I spoke to. They never explained why but Amar had done his best to possibly explain things as he saw them.

\"Amar\" I leaned away from him to look up at him. \"I believe I have made my choice now.\"