Starting Over

The sunlight was streaming through the window, waking Catherine from a deep sleep. As she blinked, adjusting to the bright invasion on her eyes, she realized an arm was wrapped tightly around her waist. Her brain was still fuzzy from sleep, and she looked over her shoulder to see Batey, eyes closed and hair strewn across his face.

Memories from the day before began taking over Catherine’s mind as she turned her gaze up towards the ceiling. Batey had been so upset, so stunned and hurt. She hated seeing him like that, but she was glad that she had been able to be there for him. He had been such a good friend to her since she had met him – never judgmental, always supportive. Of course, that’s just who he was.

Batey was the most unique individual Catherine had ever met. His cool unaffected demeanor wasn’t a front; he really did look at the world differently than other people. He was intelligent and, as clichéd as the phrase was, he was wise beyond his years. He usually just took things as they happened, never trying too hard to plan or control things. Considering all this, it broke Catherine’s heart to know how badly he had been wounded.

“Morning,” Batey interrupted Catherine’s thoughts. He removed his arm from her waist somewhat reluctantly. “Sorry about that.”

Looking over at him, Catherine shook her head and gave Batey a smile. “No problem,” she told him. “How’d you sleep?”

Leaning up on one elbow and propping his head in his hand, Batey gave Catherine a small grin. “Better than I would have thought possible, thanks to you.”

Rolling over onto her side to face him, Catherine looked Batey in the eyes. “So have you decided what you’re going to do?” she asked gently. She didn’t want to upset him, but he was going to have to go home and face his father eventually.

Chewing on his bottom lip, Batey thought about Catherine’s question. “I have no idea what I’m going to do,” he admitted. “I don’t know if I can talk to my dad, or if I should tell my mom, or if I should call Lauren to let her know that I know.”

Glancing momentarily over her shoulder at the clock on her nightstand, Catherine looked back at Batey. “Well, it’s not even eight yet,” she told him. “Let’s go get something to eat. We can talk more about this before we drop off Emma’s car.”

“That sounds good,” Batey agreed. He rolled over and climbed out of bed. “You don’t happen to have an extra toothbrush, do you?” he asked.

“Under the sink,” Catherine instructed him. “There should be an unopened one. And my hairbrush is on the counter. Oh, and here…” She climbed out of bed and crossed the room to her dresser, pulling an oversized t-shirt from a drawer. “Not exactly stylish, but it’s better than wearing what you slept in.”

“Thanks, Catherine,” Batey said sincerely. “For… everything.”

-----

The next week was undeniable difficult for Batey, but it was made much easier by the support Catherine offered. Surprisingly, his father barely noticed that he wasn’t talking to or even making eye contact with him. He seemed to be in his own world these days, Batey observed with annoyance. Being around his mother, however, was a different story altogether.

“Are you okay, darling?” she asked him at the kitchen table the following Saturday. “You’ve seemed so morose all week, and that’s just not you. We usually leave the grumbling and misery to your brother.”

Forcing himself to give his mother a small grin, Batey shook his head. “I’m fine,” he lied. “I just have some… things on my mind.”

“Is it a girl?” his mother asked, sitting across from him with a cup of tea in her hands. “I couldn’t help but notice that you didn’t come home last Saturday. You haven’t done that in a while.” Her eyes lit up as a thought occurred to her. “Is it Catherine? Are you two dating?”

Figuring that this topic was much easier to discuss than the one actually weighing on his mind, Batey decided to share somewhat with his mother. “I was with Catherine last weekend, yes, but we’re not dating,” he told her.

“Is that the problem?” she asked gently.

Looking at his mother, Batey felt awful. Here she was, worried about her teenage son’s love life when her husband was out somewhere having an affair with one of her former students. Still, he forced himself to continue. He had never been able to talk to his mother about Lauren, of course, and she seemed pleased that he was sharing information with her now. “It’s not really a problem,” he replied. “I mean, I have developed feelings for Catherine recently-”

“She’s a lovely girl,” his mother interjected.

Unable to keep from letting a small smile tease his lips, Batey nodded. “She is. She’s beautiful, of course, but there’s so much more to her. She’s kind and intelligent and has a wicked sense of humor.”

”But she doesn’t reciprocate your feelings?” she inquired sadly.

Folding his hands on the table, Batey shook his head and gave his mother a rueful look. “Catherine has been through a lot in her life,” he explained. “I just don’t think she’s ready for anything serious right now.” Smirking, he shook his head. “Or at least, that’s what I tell myself. Maybe she just doesn’t think of me like that…”

Reaching over and clasping his hands with hers, Batey’s mother locked her eyes with his. “I know this is hard,” she told him. “To care for someone who doesn’t feel the same way about you. But you’re so young, and so handsome, and so wonderful; you should make sure that you find somebody that truly loves you for all that you are, and who will love you, and care for you, and want only you for the rest of her days.” Her voice was steady, but Batey noticed that her eyes were growing glassy and her expression betrayed an unspoken pain.

It was then that Batey realized his mother knew about his father. The way she begged her son to find someone who would love him forever came from the knowledge that her own relationship was not of this sort. Looking her in the eye, Batey squeezed his mother’s hand. “Everyone deserves to be loved like that,” he whispered, and watched as the tears began falling over his mother’s cheeks.

Rising quickly, Batey moved to the other side of the table. He dropped to his knees and embraced his mother as she trembled with hurt. “I didn’t want you to find out,” she choked out. “Your relationship with your father has always been so good.”

“Is this the first time?” Batey asked nervously, unsure if he was crossing any boundaries.

Shaking her head, his mother pulled back to look him in the eye. “It’s been going on for years,” she admitted.

“Then why do you stay?” Batey demanded, anger rising in him for his unfaithful father. “Why don’t you leave him?”

“Because I love him,” she said simply, as if the answer was obvious.

“But-”

“Unfortunately, there are no ‘buts’ in love,” she told her son, stroking his face lovingly. “Your father is the only man I’ve ever loved, and the only one I ever could. So I deal with his infidelities, happy at least to know he’ll be in the bed when I wake in the morning.”

“I’m so sorry, Mom,” Batey stroked her hair.

Suddenly, a thought occurred to his mother. “How did you know?” she asked.

Looking ashamed, Batey explained how he had seen his father with Lauren the weekend before. Of course, he couldn’t tell his mother why the blow struck doubly for him, but that didn’t matter. “I can’t believe he would do that to you,” he said.

“Now, please, Andrew,” his mother begged. “Please, I don’t want you hating your father for this. You can be displeased with his behavior, but for me, please continue to remember that his actions do not negate any of the love he has for you. I need you to promise me you won’t act like your brother did.”

It dawned on Batey what his mother meant. Four years earlier, when his brother had enlisted in the Army, Batey hadn’t understood his action. He suddenly had a flash of memories of the months leading up to his announcement: how his formerly cheerful brother had grown cold and distant from the family; the arguments with their father; the pitying glances he gave his mother over dinner. Not only had his mother had to deal with the indiscretions of her husband, but the situation had also made her lose her son.

“I can’t lie and tell you that I don’t resent him, that I’m not disgusted by what he’s doing to you,” Batey told his mother. “But I won’t say anything to him, if that’s what you want.”

“That is what I want, darling,” his mother reached for him again. “Thank you, Andrew. You are the light of my life. I love you so much.”

“I love you, too,” Batey said as he held his mother close.

-----

Sitting on Catherine’s bedroom floor later that night, Batey looked up at her on the bed. “I can’t believe she knows. I can’t believe she knows and yet she’s staying with him. How could she want to be with someone who does something like that, who doesn’t love her the way she deserves to be loved?”

Looking sadly at Batey, Catherine shook her head. “’There is no remedy for love but to love more,’” she said sadly.

“Thoreau,” Batey recognized the quote. “Still, I don’t understand…”

Ambling down beside side on the floor, Catherine took Batey’s hand. “You don’t understand loving someone you know you shouldn’t?” she asked softly. “Please, of all people, you and I both know that love can cause great pain, and even when you know in your heart of hearts a loving that person is the wrong thing to do…”

“You can’t help yourself,” Batey gave Catherine a small smile. “I guess we both spent the majority of our adolescent years living by that mantra, huh?”

“Yeah,” Catherine sounded sad as she rested her head on his shoulder.

They both sat silently for several moments, lost in thought. “What would I do without you?” Batey asked quietly.

“I hope we never find out,” Catherine looked up at him and gave him a small grin.

-----

Winter seemed to never want to end, but the announcement in late February of auditions for the end of the year play at least gave Catherine and Batey something to concentrate on.

“I’m sure you’ll get a lead,” Batey told Catherine in his bedroom one Saturday afternoon. “Your voice is beautiful.”

Shaking her head, Catherine was nervous. Mr. Martin had chosen “Guys and Dolls” to be performed, and Batey had rented the movie for them to watch. “I don’t know,” Catherine replied.

“Come on, it’s not like you even have to audition for a particular role,” Batey stood next to where Catherine sat on the floor, looking up at the television screen. “You just sing a song. That’s it.”

Looking over at him, Catherine shook her head. “That’s not all,” she told him. “You have to be able to dance, too, and unfortunately, I have two left feet. I can’t even slow dance, and all that requires is moving in a circle.”

“I don’t believe that,” Batey scoffed. “Come here,” he reached down for her, pulling her to her feet. He paused the movie and hit play on his CD player, letting music fill the room as he moved towards Catherine. He reached for her hands, placing them on his shoulders, and then he lightly laid his hands on her hips. “Now, look in my eyes and follow my lead.”

Swallowing, Catherine gave Batey a small nod. She began to feel his hips sway, and she tried to follow his rhythm. Keeping eye contact, she nervously started stepping with him. “I like this song,” Catherine told Batey about the Chris Isaac ballad that was playing.

”Me too,” Batey smiled, pulling Catherine a little closer. “See, you’re doing fine,” he told her, looking into her eyes. A few wisps of hair had escaped from the messy bun she had pinned back, and she looked lovely in his arms.

Letting her arms wrap around Batey’s neck, Catherine watched him silently as they danced. His expression was patient and kind as he slowly moved with her, his eyes so warm. They had spent almost all their free time together since January, but Catherine was surprised to notice for the first time that he had a tiny scar on his chin, probably from a childhood accident. As their bodies moved together, her eyes searched his face. She willed back the thoughts she had been having for the past two months, thoughts of wondering what it would be like to kiss him, wondering why she had been so adamant about their not getting together. She knew she was afraid that if they did and the relationship went sour, she wouldn’t just lose a boyfriend; she’d lose the most important person in her life.

Without even realizing it, Catherine had begun stroking at the back of Batey’s neck, playing with the hair that fell over the nape. Shivers were running down his spine, but he tried to ignore them. His life was finally starting to come back together. Although his relationship with his father was still strained, he had never been closer with his mother. All his college applications were in, so that was no longer a stress. But his friendship with Catherine had made the biggest influence on him. He loved spending time with her. He loved her laugh; he loved her self-deprecation; he loved her tenacity. In fact, he loved everything about her. He knew he was in love with her, but he had resigned himself to accepting their friendship as a great gift and leaving things at that.

Still, when he felt Catherine lean against him, resting her head on his shoulder, he couldn’t help but want more. The scent of her shampoo washed over him as he unconsciously slid his hands over her back and rocked with her. As the song ended and another began, Catherine pulled back and looked up at him. “This is a terribly sad song,” she said, emotion quivering in her voice as they listened to the opening chords of Third Eye Blind’s “How’s it Gonna Be”.

“I don’t think it’s true for everyone,” he said as the singer sang about heartbreak. “Love has to last sometimes, right?” Searching her face, Batey prayed that he wasn’t misreading the look of desire in her eyes. As Catherine rose onto her tip-toes and pulled him down to meet her mouth, Batey stopped thinking and just let himself melt into the action he had been thinking about, wishing for, dreaming of for so long.

Batey’s lips were soft and full. He kissed Catherine gently, innocently for a long time before parting his lips and running his tongue over her bottom lip, feeling its curve and dip. His hands lightly caressed her back, not intrusively, not aggressively, just with the tenderness and patience Catherine had become accustomed to him showing at all times. She rubbed his neck with one hand, and let her other hand wander into the silkiness of his hair as her mouth dropped open slightly in a silent appeal. Her whole body trembled as she felt him tentatively slide his tongue into her mouth, exploring the inside of her upper lip before finally meeting her tongue. He massaged her tongue softly with his, pulling back every now and then to pull her lip between his teeth, scraping softly over the swollen flesh before delving his tongue into her mouth again to feel the intimacy of the moment. They continued like this for several minutes before Batey finally pulled back, pressing his lips to hers one last time.

As Catherine slowly opened her eyes, she saw Batey staring at her with an expression somewhere between longing and terror. She blinked a few times, trying to catch her voice in her throat before she attempted to speak. “Hey,” she finally said, a smile playing on her lips.

“Hey,” Batey smiled back, a look of relief in his eyes.

They didn’t say anything else for a moment, but neither personal went to move, either. Just standing there, holding each other and considering the consequences of what had just transpired, they gazed at each other.

“I hope that was okay for me to do,” Catherine finally broke the silence.

With his face breaking into a great grin, Batey just looked at her. “That was so much more than okay,” he told her. Reaching down, he brushed a stray hair from her eyes. “That was the best moment of my life.”

Catherine’s eyes grew glassy at Batey’s words. She knew now. Despite the fears, despite the possibilities of everything that could go wrong, despite all the pain they had both suffered in the past at the hand of love… she now knew that she loved him, and that was okay.

------

“So what does that mean? What happens now?” Emma asked. Catherine had left Batey’s house a little while earlier, and had headed to Emma’s house immediately. She needed to tell her the truth right away. She didn’t know if Emma would be angry or hurt, but she deserved to have Catherine be honest with her.

“I’m not sure,” Catherine told her. “But you’re… you’re okay with this?” The last thing Catherine wanted to do was injure Emma, who had been the first person at school to reach out a friendly hand towards her.

Giving her friend a grin, Emma reached out and squeezed Catherine’s hand. “I’m more than okay,” she told her warmly. “I am really happy for both of you.”

Throwing her arms around Emma, Catherine took the girl by surprise, and they both began giggling. “Thank you so much,” Catherine said gratefully.

“So really,” Emma detangled herself from Catherine and leaned her head back against the headboard of her bed. “What happens now?”

Shaking her head, Catherine had a smile on her face now that she couldn’t get rid of. “I don’t know. We didn’t really talk about it. We just kind of… stood there… for a while, like we both couldn’t believe it had actually happened.”

“Well, what did you say when you were leaving?” Emma pushed. “Did you kiss goodbye?”

Shaking her head, Catherine thought for a moment. “No, we didn’t. I just told him I was going to go, and he said he’d call me later.” Looking at Emma, she shrugged her shoulders. “Then he walked me to the door, and hugged me goodbye like he always does.”

“I think you two are going to make it work,” Emma said decisively. “You’ve got the friendship and the attraction. You’re so lucky.”

“I know I am,” Catherine grinned.

-----

When her cell phone rang, Catherine was laying on her bed in complete silence, a goofy grin still plastered across her face. “Hey,” she answered, having checked the caller-id and seen that it was Batey.

“Hey there,” Batey’s voice was warm and natural. “How are you doing?”

“I’m good,” Catherine replied, relaxed by Batey’s unaffected tone. “How about you?”

“Well, I’m doing great actually,” he said. “That’s what I was calling about. See, as my best friend, I wanted to tell you about this terrific girl that kissed me today…”

“Is that so?” Catherine laughed. “She sounds a little forward to me.”

“No, not really,” Batey disagreed. “But she is smart, and fun, and really beautiful… I’ve wanted to be with her for so long, I just keep wondering if I imagined the whole thing.”

A chill went down Catherine’s spine and goose bumps rose on her skin as he spoke. “No,” Catherine responded in a low voice. “You didn’t imagine it.”

“Good,” Batey replied, and she could almost hear him smile over the phone. “So, do you want to hang out tonight? We can go out for coffee, or rent a movie and stay in…”

“Let’s stay in,” Catherine recommended. She was growing more serious. “I mean, we should probably talk about some stuff, anyway. I don’t mean to sound like a generic girly-girl, with the whole ‘let’s delve into the root of everything’ shpeel. It’s just-”

“I get it,” Batey told her supportively. “We made a huge change in the dynamic of our relationship today. We should try to figure out where we go from here. So do you want to come over here?”

“I’ll swing by the video store and be at your house in half an hour,” she told him.

“I can’t wait,” Batey replied honestly.

-----

In Batey’s room, Catherine felt very strange. She wasn’t sure where she should put her things or sit down. She had never felt that way in there before. Over the past few months, that room had become a second home for her, a place where she relaxed, laughed, talked, even cried. But now that it was also the place where she and Batey had shared their fist kiss, and she felt a little odd about it.

“Don’t be like that,” Batey asked gently, as though he were reading her mind. “You’ve always been comfortable here. I don’t want that to change.”

Looking over her shoulder at him, Catherine nodded and sat down on the edge of the bed. Batey took a seat next to her and gave her a small smile. “So,” he said softly.

“So,” Catherine repeated.

“Catherine, if this is too strange for you,” Batey began, his voice sounding just a touch nervous. “I mean, if what happened is going to strain our relationship…”

Taking Batey’s hand, Catherine shook her head. “No,” she said decisively, looking into his warm eyes. “This is just a period of… adjustment. But I am really happy.” With her free hand, she reached up and stroked his cheek.

“I’m glad to hear that,” Batey squeezed her hand a little. “And you’re right, there will be a period of adjustment. But in order to make that time be as short as possible, maybe we should just tell each other what we’re thinking about.”

“Okay,” Catherine smiled. “You start. What are you thinking about?”

“I’m thinking about how beautiful you look when you’re nervous,” Batey began. “And how that kiss was… amazing. And how I will do anything to make a relationship with you work. And I’m thinking about how happy I am right now.” He reached over and cupped Catherine’s face in his hands, brushing a light kiss on her lips. “This might to be a challenge, at least in the beginning, getting used to things,” he told her. “But it’s going to be so worth it.”

Nodding agreement, Catherine closed her eyes and leaned forward to meet Batey’s mouth. Like that afternoon, his kisses were slow and tender. Catherine rested one hand on his shoulder and the other tangled in his hair. She felt him reach for her waist, pulling her closer to him. Catherine adored the way he kissed, how his tongue traced her lip line, how he paused occasionally to just breath warm breaths on her moist lips, how each time his tongue met with hers, it felt like an incredibly private and intimate act.

Batey sucked on Catherine’s bottom lip, nervously pressing towards her slightly until she sunk back on bed, pulling him down on top of her. He leaned up to push his hair back and gazed down at her flushed face. He couldn’t believe she was actually there. He teased her bottom lip with the tip of his tongue while arranging his body so he wasn’t squishing her, supporting himself with one arm. Slowly, he began placing little kisses along her jaw line while his free hand nervously slid up and down her side, feeling the curve of her waist. Catherine tilted her head back, exposing her neck, while her hands ran over Batey’s back, massaging the muscles. When she felt his mouth brush against a sensitive spot just below her ear, she closed her eyes and bit back a moan. Batey was tender and unhurried. His lips tickled her smooth skin, his tongue leaving moist spots that were warmed by the heat of his breath. Moving his mouth back up to Catherine’s, he kissed her lips softly, then leaned up to press a gentle kiss on each of her closed eyelids.

As Batey pushed himself up onto his forearms, Catherine opened her eyes and looked at him. His eyes were exploring her face, examining every line, every curve, every detail. His face was flushed too; Catherine tried to remember any other time when she had seen him flushed, but she couldn’t think of any. “I’m really happy,” Catherine whispered, reaching up to slip a piece of hair behind his ear.

“I am so glad to hear that,” Batey smiled. “And I want you to know I don’t want to rush things between us. I want to take the time and put in the effort to make this a relationship that can last forever.”

Knowing her eyes were getting glassy, Catherine nodded. “That sounds perfect,” she said honestly. Batey leaned down to softly kiss her lips once more and then rose up from her, taking a seat on the bed. Catherine pulled herself up to sit beside him.

“One other thing. Since our friendship has been so amazing up until now,” Batey told Catherine. “I really want to try to keep doing things the way we did them before. Like sitting here, watching a movie with you.” He slid his arm around Catherine and picked up the remote, waiting for her response before he turned on the film.

“Yeah, but things are a little different now,” Catherine smiled, reaching up to touch his face and brush her lips against his. “Different and better.”

-----