A Dark and Stormy Night

The pain coursing through his chest felt even worse than all the suffering he had endured up to that point. And it was enhanced by the fact that he hadn’t been the one who had been dumped. Two faint streams of tears trickled down his cheeks as he stormed away from the car. Everything in James that felt screamed at him to turn back and go to her. But, he just couldn’t. He cared so much for her, that he was willing to walk away to keep her from being the focal point of nasty gossip in the whole school. He didn’t even bring his hands up to wipe his face, least he give away to Kat that he was breaking apart. If she found out, then he didn’t know how he was going to stop her from coming after him, much less how he could reject her. After he had rounded the corner to the field house, James stopped and braced himself against the hard wall. Doing his best to control his deep sadness, James wiped the tears from his eyes.

“I’m sorry Kat.” he whispered. “I just…don’t want you hurt because of me.”

That was why he had to stop whatever there may have been developing between the two of them, before it passed beyond the point of control. He had to protect her from getting hurt. Standing there, leaning up against the wall, James thought back to what had transpired last night. He remembered seeing Kat’s sad and tear soaked face as she told him about Marcus and what he had done to her. But he also remembered how she had looked at him with that warm glow to her face. And…what they had shared in the darkness. James collected himself and wiped away the tears. He really didn’t want to go talk to coach Ronald, but at that point, he needed to do something other than think of what he had done, otherwise his mind would crumble under the guilt and depression he had forced on himself.

James went back into the field house with his head hung low. He didn’t really see how things could get any worse, now that all he had to look forward to was more emptiness and pain. James tried to do his best to hide it, but it was plain as the morning light that he was miserable. Coach Ronald wasn’t shy about mentioning it either.

“You alright, James?”

“Yes sir.” James said with a slight nod of his head. “Just tired and a little sore.”
Ronald led him into his office and instructed him to take a seat. When James sat down, Ronald sunk into the large chair behind his desk. “Well now, James, why don’t you tell me exactly everything that happened.”

And so James did. He told Ronald about how it all began, about how Marcus had been teasing him, about what he didn’t mention as that was more his business than the coach’s. He told him how he had thrown a cup of water in his face, and that’s what led to him and some of his friends jumping him after the game. Ronald listened quietly while the whole story was told. After all was said, he inhaled deeply and leaned back in his chair.

“Well, I can guarantee you James that Marcus and I are going to have a long talk about this. Don’t you worry about it anymore.”

“I’ll try sir.” James said. “And something else…”

Ronald frowned. “What?”

“I’m…I’m quitting.”

“The team?”

“Yeah, I just can’t do this any more.”

Ronald nodded. “Well, I’m sorry to see you go James. You were one of the best managers we’ve had around here in years.”

James didn’t say anything, he just nodded his head and rose from the chair. He started to make for the door when Ronald spoke again.

“James, if you don’t mind, I’d like to talk to you for a minute.”

“About what?”

One of Ronald’s eyebrows rose slowly. “I think we both know what.”

“Sir…” James said nervously, rubbing the back of his head. Ronald motioned for him to sit down. James quietly returned to the set.

“I want to tell you something.”

“Tell me what?”

“A story, if you have the time.”

“I…think I do.”

“Good.” Ronald said. His eyes darted over to the picture sitting at the edge of his desk. James followed his gaze, and saw picture of a smiling woman roughly around Ronald’s age. James’ only guess was that it was his wife. Ronald continued to look at the picture for several seconds in complete silence, then he chuckled softly. “Crazy how things work out sometimes.”

“Crazy?”

Ronald looked at him. “Sometimes the smallest thing can have a big impact.”

“Um.” was all James could muster for a response.

“I must have been somewhere around your age. But we were pretty different I’m sure. I was a line man for the football team, and I was pretty popular too.”

Ronald glanced back at the picture again. “Lela wasn’t really much of anything to look at back then. A little skinny girl with glasses and braces who was on the flag team. We never really gave each other more than a passing glance. After all, I was dating a very attractive cheerleader named Dawn.”

Ronald had James’ full attention now. He took a seat and listened quietly as Ronald went on.

“But…Lela, she was always so nice, to anyone. I still remembered the first time she talked to me. My friends and I…well we did the kind of stuff that Marcus and some of the other players do to students like you. We thought it would be really funny if little skinny coke bottle eyes with the metal mouth couldn’t eat a lunch. When we walked by her, my friend with me pretended to trip me, so that this orange soda I had on my tray would spill all over her food. It worked perfectly, so perfectly that it flowed off the edge of the bench and into her lap, ruining her skirt. I told her that I was sorry, but anyone, even her could tell from my laugh that I wasn’t really sorry. But what happened next…” Ronald shuddered slightly, as if he were talking about a ghost or something. “She looked right up at me, without the slightest emotion on her face. And she asked, ‘Does it make you feel good?’ I admit that I didn’t have any idea what she was talking about, so I asked her what she meant. ‘Belittling me, humiliating me, does it make you feel like you’re not empty inside?’ That part really freaked me out. I was so spooked that I just turned and walked away.”

Ronald glanced up at the ceiling. “I tell you, what she said really made me stop and think, about everything that I was doing. What my friends and I did, what there really was between Dawn and me. Everything.” He now looked right at James and leaned across the table. “But do you want to know what really got me?”

James nodded his head slightly. Ronald took a deep breath before continuing. “It was at the beginning of my senior year. My grandfather had died the day before this big home game. Dawn had talked to me about it, but I could tell that she didn’t really care. Sympathetic, yes, but she wasn’t really there for me when I needed her. She said that she was sorry about what had happened, but she had to go practice with her team to be ready for the game. I can still remember how painful her words felt that day. I mean, Jesus Christ, my grandfather was still going cold and all she could think about was a goddam game? I had never felt so alone, so completely empty as I did then, just sitting up there on those bleachers by myself, trying to hold back my tears so I didn’t look like a wimp. I can remember it clear as day, sitting up there all alone, lost in my thoughts, when Lela just sort of appeared out of nowhere. She asked if I was ok, if I needed anything.”

Ronald cleared his throat for a moment.

“I still to this day don’t know what came over me. I just opened up to her, about everything that I was feeling. What surprised me the most was that she listened to me. No lectures or careless gazes off somewhere, she looked right at me the whole time with this incredibly sad look in her eyes. When I was done, she offered me some of the most soothing words I had ever heard anyone tell me, and said that if I ever needed anyone to talk to, she would always be willing to lend her ear. Just hearing that, never having someone ever be so nice to me like that, someone who didn’t even know me, it was like a spark had gone off. I just couldn’t understand it, how could this girl who I didn’t even know, some who I had humiliated in front of the whole school, possibly be so nice to me? I suddenly started seeing that past those glasses and braces, there was a really sweet girl underneath.”

James was completely freaked out now. He hadn’t been expecting to hear this kind of story from coach Ronald, nor had he expected it to mirror his own. It was downright scary to him. But it had also completely captivated his attention. He needed to know what happened next. “And?” he asked.

“Well, I didn’t want to just say thanks and walk away like that.” Ronald said. “I still don’t know why I did it at the time, but I asked Lela if she wanted to come to the party after the game. She was very reluctant about it at first, but after I asked her again, she agreed with the cutest little smile I had ever seen.”

Ronald shook his head softly. “It was a stupid idea, I just didn’t realize that it was at the time. I guess I thought too much of everyone else. That they would actually be ok with her just hanging out with us for one night. I should have known better. After the game, all Dawn could do was complain to me about why I had asked that geeky little flag twirler to ‘our’ party. I told Dawn to leave her alone, we didn’t even know her. She got this pissed off look on her face, and didn’t say anything to me on the way over there. That was one of the longest drives of my whole life. All I could think on that ride was just what in the hell I was doing. I knew that Dawn could be kind of mean at times, but guess I had never seen just how bad it was until then. Well, things didn’t get any better when we got to the party.”

Ronald sighed, rubbing his eyes. “I still feel bad about it to this day. I never meant for any of it to happen, I was just trying to make it up to Lela for all the crap I had put her through. I didn’t even realize that something was wrong until we had been at the party for a while. I was sitting on a couch with Dawn clinging to me, and I saw her across the room. She wasn’t drinking or talking to anyone, she was just sitting in that corner, nervously glancing at everyone around her. That made me feel even worse than when I had pulled that prank on her, because I had actually been trying to be nice to her. I must have watched her for at least a half hour before she finally sulked outside. I didn’t like the thought of having her out of my sight, it wasn’t like she had anyone else at the party. So I got Dawn to go outside with me, just so we could keep an eye on her. I found her sitting around this little fire near the woods that was behind the house. And I instantly saw that something wasn’t right. Two other guys on the team, guys I hardly knew, were trying to get her to drink something. Lela didn’t want to, but they weren’t taking no for an answer. When one of them grabbed her by the arm, I knew that I had to do something. So I stormed over there and pulled her away from them. While I was telling them to leave her alone, Dawn came up behind me and threw a drink right into Lela’s face. Dawn called her a four eyed tramp, and told her to stay the hell away from me. Lela ran off into the woods in tears before I could even say anything.”

Ronald’s face twisted slightly as he fought to control his anger. “I remember screaming at her, wanting to know what the hell was wrong with her. She just told me that it was her or Lela, that she wasn’t going to waste her time with someone that wanted to run after some metal mouthed twerp. I didn’t realize until just that moment how much of a truly heartless person Dawn was, but I finally did, and I didn’t like it one bit. And that was all I needed. I went after Lela without a second thought. It felt like it took me forever to find Lela. She was hiding under a tree, crying her eyes out, her glasses lying on the grass away from her. When I sat down next to her, the first thing she told me was how much she hated her glasses, and the braces. She hated how everyone used them to make jokes about her. But more than anything, she told me that she hated how ugly she was.”

Ronald looked back over at the picture again. James leaned closer in his chair, he needed to know what happened next. “So, what did you do coach?”

“I told her that I thought she was pretty. She said that I was lying, that I was just trying to make her feel better. So I convinced her that I was telling the truth.”

“How did you do that?”

“I wiped her face off with my shirt, and I put her glasses back on. When she looked up at me…I don’t know what came over me. It was like some kind of great awakening or understanding, like I was seeing everything for the first time. I didn’t even realize that I had kissed her until after it had happened. But I knew one thing was certain, that night was the first one for the rest of my life.”

James shifted nervously in his seat. “Coach…I really don’t know what this has to do with me.”

“People talk James. They always do. Dawn said some of the most vile things you could imagine about Lela and me. I lost a lot of friends by going with her. But there was something that I learned in those first few months that Lela and I were together. Do you want to know what that was?”

James gulped, nodding his head softly. Ronald gave him a faint smile. “They’re just words. That’s all. Lela and I really cared about each other, and we knew what there was between us, and that’s all that mattered.”

Ronald picked up the picture and stared very long at it. “Seventeen years we’ve been together. Seventeen years, for just a few months of stupid gossip. And I love her just as much today as I did back then.” Ronald’s eyes looked up from the picture at James. “Don’t worry about what others think or say. All that matters is what you know is right.”

James was sweating bullets now. Had the coach figured out, or at least suspected what had happened between him and Kayla? And what the hell was the story all about?

“Coach…I don’t…”

“I’m done talking.” Ronald said, putting the picture back before rising from his chair. He held out a hand to James. James nervously took his larger hand and shook it. “So long son, we’ll miss you. You go do what you have to.”

Ronald squeezed his hand tighter. “Just remember, don’t worry about what other people are going to say.”

James nervously pulled his hand back. “Ok, sure thing coach.”

James scrambled out of the room like someone was trying to light him on fire. He was stumbling out of the field house in just a few seconds. Feeling his head pounding, James wiped away the sweat from his face as he started to walk towards his car. As he did, his fingers brushed against his bruised eye. James winced from the pain, and felt a stab of pain go into the depths of his chest. Kayla. He thought of how she had brought him those bags of ice, before she had even known him. And he thought of how that haunting melody she had played on her flute had brought a great peace to his weary heart. He had been so sad and empty, but after hearing that tune, he had suddenly realized that there could be a life for him after that soul shattering pain. And he also thought of how she had told him with a gentle smile on her face to follow his dreams…to never let anyone tell him that he couldn’t do what his heart wanted.

All the thoughts of Katlyn were beginning wear down on James. Each step he took towards his car became more difficult than the one before it. As he struggled to get to his car, things continued to swirl through his weary mind. The voices of coach Ronald and Katlyn kept echoing in the back of his mind.

*Do you believe in fate, James*

*It’s really creepy how things work out sometimes, like it’s meant to happen*

*Two little cups brought us to this*

*One stupid little drink brought us together*

*Don’t leave me, please*

*They’re just words. That’s all*

*I don’t care what anyone says. As long as I have you, that’s all that matters to me*

James stopped dead in his tracks when he heard Katlyn’s pleading voice haunting his thought. She had said that with such conviction, such certainty that there was no way that James could mistake the hurt in her voice. It was the exact same way he had pleaded with Clarissa when she had dumped him. And he had sounded that way because his heart was breaking. But if that was true, it could only mean that…Katlyn was in love with him. James’ eyes went wide with that realization and what little breath he exhaled softly. It was insane, absolutely insane. How could that have happened? How could she….after only one night with him? Such a thing happening couldn’t be real, it was just too impossible to be true. The only way something like that could possibly happen…it would have to be fate.

James clutched at his chest with that hard thought. Fate. That was ridiculous, how could there be such a thing as fate. Fate couldn’t exist. But what else could it be? James knew that he should have been there for Kat so many years ago at that dance. Thinking back on that, he was almost completely certain that if he had gone to talk to her that night, they would be together today. They would be. But he had let that opportunity pass him by. And last night…a complex series of crazy events brought them together in that field house. Events that seemed to work out too perfectly for the two of them to have been random chance. Again, James just couldn’t understand why that would be possible. Unless…

He shook his head at the thought. It was even crazier than believing that by some warped twist of chance, Katlyn had fallen for him. James tried to force the thoughts from his mind and go to his car, but his body refused to listen to his desperate commands. He wanted to get away, as far away from this place as he could. Because if he didn’t leave right then, he would realize that how much joy Kat had brought to him, how much she had made him feel alive again, and how a very familiar warmth had spread throughout his chest when he had kissed her last night. If he couldn’t push those understandings away immediately, James knew that he would realize that…

James dropped to his knees and clutched his head. It couldn’t be. It just couldn’t be. After just one damn night, only two weeks after having his heart shattered, how could he possibly be…

…in love.

The thought struck James with just as much force as the sucker punch Marcus had given him the previous night. That one night being alone in that building with Katlyn, had been all it had taken for her to not only mend together the broken pieces of his heart, but also capture the whole of what he was. James weakly rose to his feet, trying to make sense of what he had just discovered. But also the guilt of what he had done. He had pushed Kat away to protect her, without even realizing that he had cut her deeper than any foul words about her ever could have. And he may have just destroyed everything that they could have had.

James spun about on his heels and looked at the far end of the parking lot. Kat’s car was pulling out of its spot. James felt a cold stab of fear strike through the core of his being. If she left now, there wouldn’t be another chance. There was no way that he would be able to get her to speak to him in school. If Katlyn got away from him now, the love that they could have would die. James couldn’t let that happen. He just couldn’t. He wasn’t going to let the last chance fate had given to them to slip by. James started to move towards her, but his legs were still weak and he fell to the ground hard. The pain in his chest exploded, almost paralyzing him. Gazing up through his blurred vision, he could see Kat’s car pulling out onto the service road. He was too late. The love he had just realized slipped through his fingers like grains of sand. She was gone.
James reach out feebly with one hand as Kat’s car turned out of sight. Howling in frustration, James pounded his fist into the gravel. He was about to scream an anguished cry to the heavens, until he remembered something. James didn’t know why it had flashed across his mind, but he suddenly remembered that the service road curved around to the other side of the field, there was no other way to get out. He looked across the field to the road’s exit. He still might have a chance to catch Kat before she left, if he was fast enough. James didn’t know if he could make it there in time, but he had to try dammit.

Leaping to his feet, James was off like a speeding bullet. Each footfall sent waves of pain coursing through his weary body, but James didn’t care. No matter how much he suffered, he had to beat Kat to that exit. He had to. He came up to the waist high fence that outlined the perimeter of the football field, and sailed right over it without the slightest hesitation. James glanced out the corner of his eye and saw that Kat’s car was beginning to make the last turn to the final stretch of road. The true race was on now. Heart jack hammering inside his chest, James streaked across the empty field with the kind of speed that only a wild man would posses. When he made it to the opposite side of the small fence, James already felt short of breath. He was out of shape and hurt. He tried to leap over the fence like he had done with the other side, but his leg caught the pole at the top and he went down hard on his side. The agony that rocked his body knocked the air from his lungs, leaving him gasping for air like a fish out of water. Gritting his teeth, James grabbed the links in the fence and pulled himself up. Kat’s car was halfway down the road, he was running out of time. Without another thought to the pain, the lack of air, James pushed his body to keep moving. The burning in his legs turned to a raging inferno as he rushed the last fifty yards or so to the out lying fence. He slammed against it so hard that he was sure the metal links would crack from the strain. They didn’t.

James looked down the road. Kat was about to pass him by. James frantically screamed out Kat’s name and waved his arm through the air, but she didn’t seem to notice. James felt a great pit form inside his chest. After all that, he was going to fail here, with the very end in his grasp. Unless…

If he had dared to give it even one second of thought, James might very well have realized just how utterly stupid and dangerous what he was about to do was. But he didn’t give it another thought. All he could think of was getting Kat to see him so she would stop. Without concern for his safety, James scrambled up the side of the fence. Each pull that lifted him higher was pure agony, but he didn’t care. At the top of the fence were three strands of barbwire, and they might as well have not been there for all they did to stop his ascent. James reached up and grasped the lowest strand without even thinking, and wince as a sharp pain exploded in his hand. A small trickle of blood seeped down the length of his arm as he kept pulling himself up. With his other hand he clenched the top strand tightly, and was cut again. James had no idea how badly he had cut his hands, only that he could see both of his palms were stained red. He had one foot on the top strand moments later. His head was pounding with near insanity as he drove himself towards the sole thing that he found had suddenly consumed his very life essence.

Kat.

He looked, and saw that her car was about to pass him by. There was no room for thought or concern. James launched himself forward, and hoped that he didn’t land right in front of Kat’s car. The screeching of tires filled his ears as he plummeted to the ground below. There was nothing that James could do except shut his eyes and wait for the inevitable impact. His feet slammed into the ground with such force that it sent shockwaves radiating up through his legs. He crumpled over from the impact, rolling several times through the wet grass before coming to a stop on his back. For a moment, he was completely incapacitated by the pain radiating throughout every portion of his body. James just lay there, for what felt like an eternity.

“James!”

There was no mistaking that voice. A smile formed on the corners of James lips. He had done it. There was still a chance. When Kat’s concerned face appeared just above his, James couldn’t suppress the massive smile that came. Kat didn’t seem to notice it in the least.

“Are you insane!” she cried. “What the hell’s the matter with you J, are you trying to kill yourself?”

James grunted as he sat up. Feeling Kat’s hand rest on his back sent a wave of ease through him. Taking several deep breaths, he looked her right in the eyes, and nearly became lost once more in their gentle magnificence.

“What’s the matter with you J?” Kat snapped. “What are you trying…”

He didn’t give her a chance to speak again. Without a word himself, James leaned forward and kissed her. There was a pause, and he felt her body go tense from the touch of his lips. Their kiss lasted only half a second before she suddenly pulled back. James opened his mouth to speak to her, but a sharp slap across the side of his face that wasn’t bruised shut him up.

The sting of what seemed like rejection hurt James more than the actual physical blow. He cast his eyes to the ground between his feet, unable to dare and look at Kat’s face. “I’m…sorry…”

A faint sniffle tickled his ears, and James nervously looked up. James felt like his heart was being hit with a sledgehammer as he saw two faint trickles of tears flowing down the corners of Kat’s round cheeks.

“What…” she chocked, clearly fighting to force out the next words. “What kind of sick game are you playing?”

“I’m so sorry Kat.” James whispered to her.

“Why did you…”

“I couldn’t let you go.” James told her, placing a hand on the side of her face. “I should have never said those things to you. I was wrong.”

Kat glanced down at his hand, and her eyes went wide with shock. “Oh my god.” she cried, jumping back from him. Her cheek was red.

James was terrified that he had somehow accidentally hurt her. But when she pointed down at his hands, James remembered the barbwire. “James,” Kat said. “You’re bleeding.”

“It’s nothing.” he told her.

Kat clearly didn’t think that it was nothing. She rushed back to her car and came back with her towel. Just as she pressed the towel hard against his hand, Kat saw the injury to his other hand. “James, why did you do this to yourself?”

“I had to stop you from going.” James told her as she placed his other hand on the towel and pressed down.

“You didn’t have to do this.” Her voice was reaching near hysterical tones, James felt so terrible for making her feel like that.

“If I didn’t…I would lose you” James trailed off. He didn’t dare to think how horrible his life would become if he had let Kat leave without repairing the damage between them.

“What?”

“Those things I said to you, I shouldn’t have done that.”

“Then…why did you?”

James looked her in the eyes. “Because I didn’t want you to get hurt. But…”

“But…” Kat repeated, leaning closer. She looked at him with such desperation that James needed to tell her the truth.

“I realized how much I had hurt you by walking away. And I don’t want that to be an end for us.”

“Us.” Kat said in a faint whisper.

“I know…it’s stupid. But…that one night with you…I know that was all it took for me to how much you mean to me. And how I…”

“What are you telling me, James?” He felt Kat squeeze his hand softly. It was all it took to push him over the edge.

“I love you, Kat.”

Shock went all through Kat’s face as if she had been slapped. She fell back from him, landing flat on her butt. There was an eerie silence between them as they stared at each other. Time itself almost seemed to have no meaning for them. With each moment that passed, James wished more and more that she would answer him. Staring into her captivating eyes, dangling on the edge of everything that could possibly go through him, it was ripping James apart. He finally couldn’t take it anymore, and broke the gaze between them. “It’s stupid, I know.” he said. “But what happened, I know the way it makes me feel is real. You made be believe in life again Kat. I…want there to be an us, I want to give you all my heart. But if you don’t want me…then I won’t….”

The tender touch of Kat’s fingers against his cheek silenced James. He looked up at Kat, full of guilt, shame, embarrassment, but also…hope. He felt so awful as he saw the tears flowing freely down her face. Seeing her cry was worse than the burning pain in his hands.

“Kat.”

Before James had a chance to speak further, Kat’s lips were pressed firmly against his. It was more fulfilling than the ones they had shared the night before. This kiss was coming from the depths of Kat’s spirit. In that instant, James knew exactly how she felt about him. Knowing that, James couldn’t stop himself from shedding tears of joy.

“I love you too.” She murmured into his ear. Hearing that, James knew that nothing could hurt him again, as long as Kat was with him. James wanted so badly to take her in his arms, but he needed to keep his injured hands in the towel to stop the bleeding.
Kat wrapped her arms and hugged him tightly, holding on to him like there would never be a tomorrow for either of them. It felt like an eternity before her grip around him eased. She pulled back to let him sit up. James stared at her with immense joy etched in his eyes.

“Kat, what do we do now?”

“Well,” Kat said, wiping her face as she looked back at her car. “I guess I can take you back to your car.”

“Don’t bother.” James said. “We can come get it later.”

“Ok. Then let me take you back to my house.”

“Your house?”

Kat nodded her head. “Yeah, my mom’s got stuff there that we can use for your hands. And, my parents won’t be home until late tonight.”

“Alright.” James said with a broad smile. “Let’s go.”

They both climbed back into Kat’s car. As James adjusted himself in the seat, Kat looked over at him. “James, are you sure you’re not worried about next week?”

“No.” James said. “I don’t care what anyone says. As long as we’re together, then nothing anyone says matters to me.”

“Ok.” Kat put her car in drive, and they started to leave the field. As they pulled out, they both glanced out at the field house. It was scary to James about just how much that building had come to mean to him in just one night. It had been his prison. And the foundation upon which he had pulled himself out of the darkness that had been suffocating him, and found something better. “James.”

James looked over at Kat, and saw a faint trace of fear on her face. “I’m really scared, I don’t know what’s going to happen.”

“What ever does, we’ll go through it together.”

Kat looked at him, her face shinning in the morning light like a divine goddess, at least that’s how it looked to James. And there was nothing he would trade in the world for that image. He leaned across the seat and gently kissed her.

“Right?” he asked.

“Alright,” Kat said, her smile growing wider. “Together.”

(Well, I hoped that you all found this to be a satisfactory ending for these two. I have an epilogue planned, this isn't the true ending of the story. Thanks for all your reviews everyone. SilkenPetal, that slap wasn't in the original ending, I put it in there just for you. Cutegirl, I'm sorry if the story really did make you cry, but I was modeling the character's feelings after real life experiences I've gone through. To all the rest of you, I'm grateful for you sharing your thoughts of this story, and I appologize if it got a little preachy at times about looks and gossip, but that's how I feel about perceived 'beauty'.)